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He knows he is different...

Jenny - posted on 01/05/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

Hi, I am Jenny Gaviotis and this is the first time I have really broused this site and wow do I love it! My husband and I have four children. Our son is twelve years old, the youngest and was diagnosed at 5 years old with Autism and PDD-NOS. He is very high functioning. We live in a community that is deprived of special services for Autistic Kids. We drive 225 miles for medical care etc. We are in a postion where we cannot move and so it is refreshing to find this site and read others struggles, solutions and support.

Over the years Academic team and us have been able to work through alot of struggles in school. We have been able to bring Andy from the kid hiding under the desk with his hands over his ears to a productive and valued member of the classroom. Our school system is definately not the best. Ranked third from the bottom in the state. However up to this point we have been truly blessed with a fantastic IEP/Special Ed team. We are allowed to hand pick my son's teachers every year. This year has been a tough year as Andy is a sixth grader and the demands are much more extreme. At the sixth grade level they are really trying to prepare the kids for the Jr. High School level.

I was reading a post from Amanda Pete, originated back in October. She was struggling with her 5 year olds melt downs after coming home from school. The advice and suggestions given by our peers were all really good. At the end she wrote a post about how her daughter's non-autistic PDD-nos peers treated her snubbed her at the park and how hurtful it was to watch as her daughter who at this time does not understand why they treat her the way they do. At the end of the post she makes a statement to the effect of , "I am not looking forward to the day that she realizes she is different."

WELL, WE ARE THERE AND IT IS HEART WRENCHING! Up to this year our son has been able to "connect" with at least one kid in his class. This one single connection has made him feel accepted and part of the class. He would get up and look forward to the school day. This year however, he has not made that connection after three months of school and it is killing his self confidence, his love for school and his academics. As Andy is not free with his emotions, it has taken us a while to figure it out. We have been focusing on possibly issues with the teacher that we so carefully selected.

Last night at he finally breached the communication barrier and just blurted out that he hates school because he has no friends and everyone hates him. When he talks to people they look at him like he is stupid and then go back to their conversations completely igonoring him. No one will talk to him at recess or allow him to play with them. He then goes on to tell us that we have failed him because the skills we have taught him are not working this year. (we meaning my husband, I and our three girls) Our entire family has worked endlessly practicing social skills and conversation skills with Andrew. He has a dendancy to talk to himself 24/7 and he uses this tool to help him reason and rationalize situations. We asked him why he had not said something before to us or his teacher. His reply was, "Because I don't want anyone to think I tattled. They already know I am different and don't like me because of it!"

I immediately contacted his teacher at school. He was completely taken a back. He had noticed some slight changes in Andy's attitude but like us had not clue that he and his peers were having issues. Today he has taken steps to move Andy to a different seating group closer to his desk with a group of students that he feels will be accepting of Andrew.

I would welcome any suggestion on how to help our son to cope with the rejection. We know we cannot make people be his friend and we know that this situation will only become more complicated at the Jr. High level. He will be dealing with seven different teachers and seven different combination of kids through out the day. The chances of him connecting with a kid in each class in almost unheard of.

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Kate - posted on 01/11/2011

I agree with both Brooke's and Shelia's suggestions about getting him linked in with online networks and activities with "like minded" peers. Perhaps the activities he is engaged with are fun... but don't really provide him with a peer group with whom he can connect... they are just other kids like his school friends, who don't "get" him. Online forums are often the best place for these kids - or role play clubs/games and computer clubs. As these are things that are predictable and Autistic kids know what is expected of them.

If you haven't already told him his diagnosis, I would strongly suggest you do, as it is often worn as a "badge of honour" for "aspie" kids (which I assume he is, as from you're explanation he seems "high functioning".

I recently read a book by John Elder Robinson, called "look me in the eye". He is the older brother of Augusten Burroughs, who wrote Running with scissors. It was a fasctinating insight into what life is like for someone with Aspergers. John, did not get diagnosed until he was in his 40's, so it was very confusing for him growing up. I would strongly recommend it for everyone who lives with someone who has autism.

There are also a number of resources to help children understand their diagnosis, and for children who have siblings or peers with autism which may also be useful.
Here is a link for some of these resoruces, you'll have to search through to get to the books, but you'll see what I mean.
Sorry it's an Australian site - i imagine you should be able to get the books somewhere near you though. :-)
http://peoplemaking.com.au/book_list.php...

The thing that we need to remember, and maybe even to help him understand is that most people don't have to 'think' about how to interact socially, whereas he has to think every step of the way! This makes it much harder for him, and also means that socially he will come across as unnatural to other people, and most people don't understand and find it difficult to accept these difficulties.
He may need to explain to potential friends about his difficulties, and give his friends permission to "tell him" when he is talking too much, or doing his ASD thing :-) .
Naturally people are too polite to tell others when they are being annoying, but for someone with ASD they may prefer to get told (assuming they don't get offended, or angry!) rather than make mistakes and put people offside.
It will be a long road through adolescence for him, but when he gets out the other side, and finds his place in the world, things will get better (not really different to most teenagers really - just with added complication of autism!)

Good luck. I'm sure with loving parents who are trying to keep open dialogue with him, things will work out :-)

Jenny - posted on 01/08/2011

Hi Brook and Sheila! Thank you both for your suggestions! Brook, Andy has great computer skills and was really open to this suggestion. Shelia...Andy does participate in outside activities. He is in 4-H shooting sports, piano, is an altar boy in our church and is going to start Karate next week. He just has a hard time connecting. We attempt to "assess" kids that he might connect with and encourage any natural connection that he makes. Our other delimia is our town is "booming" becasue of the natrual gas business and people are coming and going like a train station right now. Seems that he connects and then they move. Thank you for the suggestion of "job/school vs. home friends". I really think that terminology will be very effective with Andrew as he already asks where/what "his job" is. All of his sisters work and so dad and I. We all have co workers we enjoy but keep our social and work lifes distinctly seperate. This may just fill that hole for him.

Again, thank you ladies! I wish you the best with your families!

Jenny

Sheila - posted on 01/08/2011

837

Hi Jenny,

This is so hard because I know we will one day be in this position. My little six year old considers his older sister's friends, his friends....and they are wonderful. I don't think this will be the same when they are 12 & 14.

Is there an interest that your son could explore outside of school? For example, rocket building? (this was my older brother's hobby when I was a child and he attended club meetings, rocket launches, etc) This gave my brother (a typical person, but looking back I know that some members of his club were definitely not "typical") But they had a common interest, and friendships were formed.

It is hard, but school his "his job". If he sees it this way, and that he goes there for his job...but he forms friendships away from school based on finding others with common interests...school might be easier? My typical daughter is quite shy at school, and we always focus on her "at home" friendships because friendships based on a common class have had a tendency to end when they are split into different classes after a year. So, we always say that the friends we have at home are the friends that "really count." (if you know what I mean).

I wish you,your family, and your son well.

Sheila

Brooke - posted on 01/07/2011

183

For a start, it's good to hear that his teacher is willing to work with you on this, that will be a major factor this year, at least.
I know there are communities on the net for Aspies, maybe you could help him find an online buddy, or a pen-pal? If he can talk to someone else who has the same problems, it might help him realise he is not alone. Also, check out the net, there are some web pages designed for kids with Aspergers, that explain exactly what it is, and what the main isssues are. i know when I told my son that he had Aspergers, he told me "So THAT'S why I'm so different!" He had already noticed the difference, and seemed quite relieved to know that there really was a reason.
Also, you would be surprised how many people have it, even in a small town. Maybe you could advertise in the local paper, if you can find an older person with Aspergers, maybe they could give your son some tips on coping strategies that worked for them.