HELP!!!!!how do i tell my step son's daddy i think he is autistic or something to that effect and we need to have him tested?!

Missy - posted on 07/19/2012

I had the same issue with my husband about my son. It went on for years and my son didn't get diagnosed until 9. Actually I just submitted a post about this last night. He missed out on a lot of early interventions because of it. We had social workers at our house and my husband would contradict or dismiss everything I said about my son with the exception of the intensity of his meltdowns. 3 years after that he finally got his diagnosis. Before his diagnoses I was honestly convinced that I was a crazy mentally abusive mother causing damage to my child in some way I couldn't grasp. 6 months after his diagnosist my husband accepted it, although he waxes and wanes because he behaves so "normally" at times. He allowed him to begin therapy because he was threatening to kill himself. When he saw how the things we were doing caused more "nt" behavior that lasted for longer periods of time he really began to accept things. Also though, when the meltdowns, rocking, echolalia, etc return, he does yell at me that the therapies are not working, and the doctors and I are nuts wasting money. I don't know if that was helpful, but you should know you are not alone. :-)

Danielle - posted on 07/18/2012

i appreciate you ladies so much!!!!i'm really hoping with this being the first time he's heard anything about this that he will be thinking about it and come around.it would really help andrew if as many people in his life as possible will support him,especially his daddy.

i've already encountered issues in the learning department as well. i've been trying to get him to learn to identify his alphabet and numbers for about 2 years and the only letters he can identify are "A" and "P" and the only number he recognizes is "1".also i have been trying to teach him how to spell his name for 2 years and still to this day if i ask him how to spell his name,he says "i don't know".and i say "yes buddy,you know how" then he goes into hysteria mode and starts screaming and clawing his face.

Cherish - posted on 07/18/2012

ALOT of men like to live in denial land..lol
Ok,so if he does have "autism" then he is High functioning....
If he is 5 now,he is going to start having trouble in school,when that happens then maybe you can address it with your husband then.(I guarantee if there is a issue school WILL bring it up)
Have you read "The explosive child"?It is very helpful at addressing behaviors.Also the book "The out of sync child" is good at explaining sensory processing.

Janet - posted on 07/18/2012

I just wrote something out and CoM didn't post it lol.

Long story short - I'd take his "you can have him tested" stance and run with it. He may need some time to adjust if there is actually a diagnosis - plus, when someone comes up to you about issues like this regarding your child, they can be hard to take as there is a lot of guilt and most parents (myself included) get defensive because they assume you're saying they are a bad parent. Which, of course, isn't the case. You're not saying that, and he isn't one.

If he doesn't come around, then your son will still have someone (you) who understands what he's going through and can help him figure out how to navigate this world. Getting an autism diagnosis (if it turns out to be Autism) can help him in school as well because a school can modify their teaching practices so that they teach him in a way that he is able to learn - WHAT he learns will be the same, but the way in which he learns it, should be different. Even if your husband doesn't get on board, doesn't mean you should stop looking out for his son - granted, if he forbids it, there's not much you can do, except make him go to all the doctors appointments and school meetings and have all the professionals look him in the eye and tell him what's what :)

and hopefully this will post :) Good luck.

Danielle - posted on 07/18/2012

so i talked to my husband this morning about it and he said that me and the doctors were full of it.there's nothing wrong with andrew,he's just a kid being a kid and that the doctors just want more money.he said i can have him tested just so he can prove me wrong.he said even if the test is conclusive for anything,he won't put him on meds,treat him any differently,or discipline him any differently.he said to never bring it up again.so now what?

Janet - posted on 07/18/2012

Okay, first things first. Breathe :) You're looking out for this little boy and that's awesome. If the pediatrician sent you things, that can help back up your theory.

It really depends on how heavy the issue is, and how deep seated the potential denial might be. Autistic people aren't stupid, they simply process things differently than others.

Frankly, I didn't want to believe that my kids had Autism. My family doctor mentioned that it might be a possibility and I shrugged it off... he sent me to a pediatrician, who confirmed it was very likely, and I was worried, and then the specialists ran lots of testing sessions and confirmed it. For us, it seemed that one baby step led to another step and the process to diagnosis was slow.

If you are the one who takes your son to the doctor, then just let your husband know "this is what the doctor said and that some further evaluation is needed." I wouldn't jump out with "Autism" at first because he may just have Sensory Processing Disorder, which is slightly different than Autism and doesn't generally come with the complete panic that Autism instils in others (Mainly because its not as common in the media).

That said, there are lots of things you can do to help your son deal with things now instead of waiting for a diagnosis. Almost all of the things you've listed are very likely "Sensory" issues.

Transitions are always difficult. Try to let him know what's going on, what's coming next and how long he has at an activity. Visual timers and visual schedules are excellent tools to help get this point across.

In the car, what helps my kids is to have their own set of headphones (Soft ones that cover their entire ears) - it helps to block out unwanted sounds and reactions that are out of the norm with the other passengers. Not every likes to ride in a car with no music, or the windows constantly up. I have two kids on the spectrum, one likes music when she's happy, the other likes it when she's overwhelmed. Headphones work wonders for when they need the opposite sensory input.

Public places can be incredibly scary - the hum of the florescent lights, the whooosh of the ventilation system, the click click of other people's shoes, the sheer number of people and the business of the spaces can be incredibly overwhelming for sensory affected children (and I only mentioned sound out of the 5 senses!). If its possible, bring them to a location for short periods at first, until you see that they are visibly becoming agitated, and then remove them. Sometimes this isn't possible, and if you could, it would be better to leave the home because a meltdown is imminent. Sometimes this just isn't possible though, and then its just good to be as prepared as you can be. Give them something to look forward to at the end of the ordeal, try to lessen some of their sensory input (headphones are good to bring into a store if you're able, even with no music in them) and possibly a distraction item (My kids use my android phone when they're really upset, it helps them focus on just one thing and they've gotten better at blocking the rest out).

Food can be a texture thing (they like or don't like the way something feels in their mouth). Encourage him to try new things, but start slow. Even just getting him to accept something new on his plate (without actually eating it) is a good start. Then go by one bite... and continue. If he still hates it after two weeks of trying it, then its entirely possible its just something he will never eat. We all have our likes and dislikes. However, be cautioned that children of this nature generally will "dial down" their diet until it is one or two things (an entirely white diet, or a liquid diet if they get that far) and it is important to monitor this so it will not happen. Its easier to keep an accepted food going than try to get it accepted again once it is refused. Also make sure he's getting a vitamin and if you're really worried that he isn't getting enough nutrition, try a children's "Boost" type drink. They really do help.

Clothing may always be a battle - try to pay attention to the types of fabrics or things that he doesn't like about clothing. Generally a regular cotton shirt may feel like knives on their skin - I'd want to get that off as fast as possible too! LOL. They have to learn tolerance. Plus, I give my children strict rules but allow them some time to be "free". They have to wear clothes outside, or when there is company, but the rest of the time they can just be in their underwear, which they accept.

Lots of people find weighted blankets to be a help with sleeping, the weight gives them some sensory comfort when its time to go to bed. When my kids were younger, I needed to lay with them and hug them so that they would go to sleep, and I am too cheap to afford a weighted blanket, but an old sleeping bag works wonders too. They are heavy enough to have an effect.

Now I've probably completely overwhelmed you - just try to ease into it and see what works for your son (and your husband)! Good luck!!