Help..I don't know how to help my own child!!

Loretta - posted on 08/10/2012

Lori, My son will be 12 in a couple months I always new he had Asperger's but have just started reaching out for help and support as I am also a single mom. I also know how an ex who does not believe his son has a"real problem "can damage all your efforts. I might be able to help a little, I never knew how hard it was for my son to get threw a day and how upset myself and his little sister made him. I imagine he is a pretty smart young man, try asking him to start writing down things that upset him, smells, noise and situations. I found that my son was angry at all the smells of perfume or even deodorant his sister singing and so forth. In school he just couldn't take all the kids or noise sometimes he could bring his DS and play in a quite place while he ate lunch. Try to get a clear diagnoses and an IEP asap. If you can do those two things you can set up a lot of things at school to help him cope and he will have a lot more le-way with the school system. I see things changing for my son and if it helps at all your son's pain and your's is not in vain, you are helping people like me and my son when you write of your problems. I'm new to cafe-mom and just started replying to post reading your post really hit home.

Joy - posted on 08/09/2012

have him tested for pyrolle disorder and get a full hair mineral analysis. It sounds off beat but you will be amazed what mineral supplements in the right dosage can do for him.

Abby - posted on 03/15/2010

I am so sorry to hear about that and it is difficult. I am a single mother with one son with Asperger's and a daughter with mood disorder NOS and Intermittent explosive disorder and I have a ft job too. I have had to put my daughter in the hospital and my son is 11 and had behaviors much like you mentioned. I have been working with a behavior therapist using applied behavior analysis and finding him a social group. I would definitely try to get someone to give you a diagnosis. Does he have an IEP at school? If not, please request one in writing along with functional behavior analysis. I would also document everything. He definitely needs help and the sooner the better. As for the ex, I know it is difficult but I would try to get someone to advocate on your behalf and if your ex took him against medical advice, then that would be something to bring up when discussing custody and what is best for the child.

Debora - posted on 03/15/2010

That must be so hard for you. Is there any way to come to some kind of agreement with his father about, if he signs for the child to be released, he is responsible for the child's care? It doesn't seem right that you were forced to make what surely was a difficult decision, only to have him take matters out of your hands. I don't think your son will hate you for this forever, but things may be tough for a while (as if they weren't tough enough already!) My heart goes out to you and your boy. I will be praying for you both to find the help you need, that will work for both of you.

Lori - posted on 03/11/2010

Well I did end up admitting my son to the hospital last night which was the hardest thing in my life I have ever done. Him screaming to please not leave him and him telling me that he will never forgive me for this broke my heart. The security guards had to come and get him when I left and he ended up having to get a shot to calm him down. This morning his father (who does not want to admit his son has some major problems) went up to the hospital and discharged him against medical advice. My son does not want to live with his father and his father has a job where he wouldn't ever be around anyway so back home to me he comes. I want him home so very bad but I also know he needs help. I don't know what to do. I feel like all the pain from last night was worth nothing and I feel someday I will be doing it again and I don't want to ever feel that pain again. Well just wanted to fill you all in on what is going on. I thought after last night things couldn't get any worse but my ex proved to me that he still can make life much harder.

Sarah - posted on 03/10/2010

i am in the same boat as u chic, my son is 11 (12 in june ),and has not yet been diagnosed with as yet, although his school has indercated that he is showing sighns of it, I went to my own doctor an asked him 4 help an 2 see if he can go an talk 2 someone, so we are just waiting now an i dont know wot else 2 do. His school sent me to a group with other parents with adsd an autism, but it made me more confused, as he shows sighns of both, so i did not know what courses 2 go on it is so hard with people always thinking he is naughty an does not care, my son has been bullyed throughout his school life, because he is differant, an kids can be so crule.So mine is just a waiting game, i also have a 5 year old boy who copys his brother with some of the stuff that he does, all i know is we both need help my son so he can get on with his life an me so i know how 2 deal with it an help him as much as i can .Sometimes i think is it all my fault did i do something wrong ? i dont know but untill he is diagnosed with as, life is hard on all of us, i did get told one thing though men treat it so differant 2 women they think the child is chaleging his man hood an stuff like that and there r courses out there 4 men 2 go on.There r courses 4 mums,kids,dads and siblings but as i said untill we know what is wrong with our children what ones do we go on xx i hope we both get sorted asap xx

Grainne - posted on 03/09/2010

the poor little guy, he is just coming into the very difficult years for a boy with aspergers, can you organise therapy on a one to one basis, my son has attended for the last year and everyone can see such a happier peaceful boy.
The name calling is terrible as it hurts a child so much, as they are so sensitive. He needs to learn the tools on how to deal with these situations when they crop up. Is there a social skills club for AS children near you that he can join that will show him the ropes and will allow him to feel safe in the group?
Can he hav a special needs assist in the classroom to reduce the explosive situations and bring your son bac on task?
My son is 10 nearly 11 and not looking forward to teenage years. Finding the las couple of wks a struggle but not due to my son. Mainly my own issues which hav been put on the long finger. we all hav good n bad days. You will get there and your son will be happier.
Maybe a school with smaller class size wud be more appropriate...
Hers hoping to many fun times and moving on from the upsetting times.

Gra.

Debora - posted on 03/09/2010

Some children with Asperger's also have symptoms of bipolar disorder. If you haven't already explored treatment for these symptoms, maybe that will help. With my son (almost eleven), I have found that giving him a safe space to calm down and pace works much better in helping him recover from melt-downs (wherever possible) than physically restraining him. Restraint would tend to make a child MORE angry, not less. Unfortunately, physical restraint is a popular method of dealing with melt-downs right now.. and a lot of people (child included) get hurt using this technique. Please study what your local hospital will use to control your son before you think about hospitalizing him. And I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to smooth his path as much as you can without actually letting him rule the roost. It's a lot easier and more effective to head things off before they turn into a full-blown melt-down, than to try to de-escalate once he gets there.

Miracula - posted on 03/08/2010

First of all, give yourself a GREAT BIG HUG!! Next thing, know that it's not his fault. I'm not a pusher of meds at all but please get him treatment as soon as you can. In the meantime? Read read read. It's your best defense. And please remember, we're here. HUGZ!

Jessica - posted on 03/08/2010

My brother was diagnosed with aspergers when he was about that age. Sound similar, bouts of anger for small things and even cut himself. After attacking another student in school with a chair he was taken to the hospital for a phychiatric eval. There he got his diagnosis and the help he needed. School was the hardest for him and my parents switched schools to one that could better handle his disability. They did have him on meds for a while but i beleive his couselor was the best thing for him. I would suggest you do as the couselors say. Its hard but it will help in the long run.

Dree - posted on 03/08/2010

My son was hospitalized the first tim at age 12. He was exactly like your son...has since gotten alot worse though. He was hospitalized because he expressed to his therapist that he no longer wanted to live. We didnt like the idea of putting him in the hospital but sometimes we as parents have to do the hardest things in order to keep our children safe. Has your son ever mentioned any ideas or ways he would end his life or possibly die?? If he has then you MUST get him into the hospital. Normally stays are only 72 hrs just to get them over the rough patch that they are going through. While they are there the staff will teach him coping skills and better ways to express his anger. They will also meet with you and him at least once during his stay. That way you will be informed of what he is learning and learn how to get him to use them yourself once he returns home. Hospitals dont have to be a bad thing...dont think of it that way!! I wish you luck with your journey

Teresa - posted on 03/07/2010

Lori, I have raise a grandaugher with bp and mood swings ,ADhd...I lot you wrote sound like Suesinray when she frist came to live with me at the tender age of 2.over the years of working with the mutt tream and putting her in the hosptail help a lot to get thur it all.all she need to lernto conolr her temper and anger.You some things have to do things you do not went to do to help your child get better.that called tough love...

Angela - posted on 03/07/2010

My daughter just turned 13 but went through very similar bursts of anger and depression. Kaleigh has been diagnosed with PDD/NOS but fits most of the symptoms of Asperger's, just at a very high functioning level. Honestly the counselors did help her quite a bit, but what really helped us the most was getting her set up with a Pediatric Behavioral Psychiatrist. It was through him that we found out that a lot of her irritation and frustration actually stemmed from her ADD but that because of the Asperger's the medication level for her ADD wasn't working for her and needed to be adjusted. He has done wonders with her and really takes a lot of time counseling with her, and pays such close attention to how each thing going on in her world affect her.

I'm not sure if your son is already seeing a Pediatric Psychiatrist or not in conjunction with his counselor, but it might be worth considering.

Yneah - posted on 03/06/2010

Hello Lori,

My name is Yneah. I can relate to what you are going through. I have had to place my 11 yr.old son in the hospital because of agressive behaviors and needing his meds changed. I know that it is very hard to make that decision for our child but this does not mean that you don't love your child or that you love them any less. I have endured staples in my head, busted lips and bites up my arms because of behaviors. I have learned that as I children grow they become stronger. I have to physically restrain my son when he goes off so, that he does not hurt himself or others. We are only human and we want to be there for our children. I have no regrets because things can and may get much worse ( he could really hurt you or someone else). I hope this will help and hope to hear from you.

Amanda - posted on 03/06/2010

Hi Lori,

I can't imagine how hard your every day is right now ... having to deal with this happening to your baby, while working full time and doing it on your own ... I just want you to know that you are stronger than I could imagine being.

Does your insurance cover a neuropsychologist? Ours did, once we received a referral from our pediatrician. And our pediatrician was happy to make the referral once we identified the psychologist, based on the recommendations of our local Center for Autism and Related Disabilities.

A neuropsychologist could help your son learn to manage his emotions. And if medication is needed to help him --- and I'm NO big pusher of meds, but sometimes they can help kids and adults when nothing else will -- the psychologist can make that recommendation (though not actually write the prescription).

Hang in there, and please keep us updated on your son's progress ...

All the best,

Amanda
Blogging for Billy at www.AmandaBroadfoot.com

Michelle - posted on 03/05/2010

my older sister has mr my son has autism and i work with adults with disabilities . do not put him in the hospital cause hes going to feel angrier for that and it will stay with him forever. maybe counsiling or more positive re inforcement that him telling was not wrong and the kid calling him a name was but that does not make hitting ok. sometimes my son gets easily aggravated or mad at himself because he dont feel understood. try things like squeeze balls and pillows for him to get ager out and dont be affraid to be firm if hes out of control because if he fears you or the consequences he will not be bad.always use positive reinforcement though because positive =positive .

Lori - posted on 03/05/2010

He is in counseling. He actually has 2 different ones but because in his eyes everything is "ok" when he is not mad but piss him off and watch out. And you never know what is going to piss him off. I feel like I tip toe around and pretty much let him do what he wants (within reason for the most part) just so I don't piss him off and have him go off. I know I need to stop this now cuz he is getting older and if I don't get something in place now its going to just get worse and then its going to be harder to get him help.

Anyone have any ideas on how to incorporate ft work in with a child like this? I don't have the energy or mental ability to work ft and also have this going on. I have only worked a few days in the past 2 weeks. I am about out of leave time. UGH. Parenting is not fun right now. Thanks for your understanding. It is nice to hear your not alone.

Debora - posted on 03/05/2010

counseling is very important, if you can get the right type of counselor for him. Unfortunately, as you mention being a single mother, it may be difficult to afford a really good one. Try and meet with them and sound out their philosophy before he meets them. Also, as angry as he seems to be right now, I think you really have to discuss with him reasonably why you are insisting that he go, even though he doesn't want to. Just trying to make him do it will probably not have good results, as he will just resent you more (and as the one who loves him unconditionally, you're his easiest target to take out his frustration on... not fair, but very true in practice). I'd say, bribe him if you have to, as long as he goes with some sort of an idea of cooperating as much as possible. And if you can join a local group where you meet with other parents with similar situations face to face, it will help you not to feel so helpless and alone. Even if you just have a good friend or two who will offer you a hug or a few minutes' break on tough days, it will help during those hard times when he's blaming you, or yelling at you for things others have done. Sometimes I just say to my son, "why are you yelling at me? I didn't do that, (offender's name here) did." That helps him think about what he's doing, and then he usually says something like that he is frustrated or angry with the situation, not angry at me.

Still, it's very hard, I know. I encourage you to push for a diagnosis as soon as possible, as the school will have to work with you with more understanding if they have a diagnosis on paper you can point to. Best, positive and caring thoughts for you and your boy.

Nicole - posted on 03/05/2010

my nine year old has aspergers and he acts the same way... get him into therapy he is going to resist but with the right one he will open up... and since with aspergers there is no empathy recognition nor do they understand and or get other peoples emotions confused. they dont know how to act. also think about is he going through puberty that is a huge factor it helps since with aspergers they can procces intelectually well to have him write a journal and when hes pissed have him write a story or draw a picture about why hes mad or what the kids did to him.... then talk to him about it if hell let you .you have to keep your emotions out of it aspergers comes with no emotianal recognition calm flat tone with non verbal comm is best smile and hugs or just a pat on the shoulder and say im proud of you because you are you.

Tammy - posted on 03/04/2010

i agree get him to councelling asap. I know its hard but dont give him the choice of going or not he needs to go. He has you although he s angry at you at the moment dont despare he knows how much u love him..:)

Krista - posted on 03/04/2010

my son is 14 with aspergers,i would recommend counseling as well there are all different types but with my son i took him to one that helps him with his anger and teaches him about emotions and strategies for him how to deal with them.It is a difficult age as they don't want to be different and hormones are crazy, i found also i read a lot on the subject and did the strategies in there.
i feel for you

Cindy - posted on 03/04/2010

Please get him in to counseling as quickly as possible! He needs it! He doesn't have a choice as to if he goes or not! Make him!