Helping daddy "understand"

Sherie - posted on 01/09/2010

Hi Sarah,

I feel for you. It's already difficult being a mum, what more, a mum of a special child. I totally agree with all the posts here, do all that. I have something to add on something for your spouse though. A man do not always understand what we feel. You need to communicate with him. My husband is totally supportive of me but he also makes lots of mistakes & sometimes whine that I am too critical sometimes. I'm trying to let go of paranoid feelings & let him discover our son on his own way. Encourage him instead. I know, easier said than done. Find blogs/books from other dad who has a child with asd. Some examples;

http://autism.blog.co.uk/
http://autisticdad.blog.com/(no longer writing but his blog is great)
http://autismforparents.wordpress.com/bl... (list of many sites)

Some self help sites :-
http://autism.change.org/blog/view/on_th...
http://www.autismus-online.de/

Give him a chance to grieve as he will shine once it's over. Good luck.

Sherie

Sheila - posted on 01/09/2010

Hi Sarah,



So many men have difficulties accepting that their child has special needs....even during the "best of circumstances." He didn't experience the growing awareness that you did, so even though you did your best to prepare him, it is like he has been hit by a truck.



Even so, that does not excuse his lack of patience. He has to get on board, and get up to speed.



He needs to walk away if her screaming frustrates him to the point of becoming angry. It is VERY hard on all of us when our children go into meltdown mode, but we are their anchors. If we get caught up in their chaos, there is no hope for them to learn coping strategies.



Does your husband understand that your child has a neurological disorder? Would he spank a diabetic child for feeling faint if their sugars dropped, or a child with epilepsy if they had a seizure? He needs to understand that her meltdowns are a result of, simply put, messed up wiring.



Does your daughter get any therapy? Is she at all verbal? Have you any communication supports for her? Weighted blankets for sleeping?



I know you are waiting for your stuff, but can you get online and order a sled from Toys R us? Or could a relative just ship you one? I hate the sound of your isolation.



You MUST get your daughter out. It is very important to get our children used to the "outside" world where they need to adapt. Yes they will be noisy, very noisy. But just tell staff, my child has autism (much more understandable to most people than PDD-NOS). A children's librarian will have met many children on the spectrum, so they should be good to go.



Your husband also needs to adjust his expectations of being able to live as if he doesn't have toddlers around. A three year old, typical or not, is a curious child who will explore, find left drinks, food, etc...They will spill this and that ALL the time because they are just learning! As an adult, I have turned my wrist to look at my watch and spilled my drink. You need to find the poem that is about little hand prints, and there's a line that is something like....I know you get frustrated because my hands are very small, and they leave all sorts of messes on our pretty wall...the message being at the end that hands are small for such a short period of time, value those little hand prints. There is another poem specifically for dads about the steps they take are very big, your hand so big and warm.....again, just about the need to slow down and be gentle with the little soul that their entrusted with.



A slap on the bare bottom, in anger, is too much. It hurts, it teaches her nothing, and probably makes him feel awful in the end. In a calm moment, ask him how he would feel if someone three times his size slapped him for a mistake. She feels the same way...walk away before causing harm, just walk away.



If there a doctor on base that can explain autism to your husband? Someone he respects? Do you have counselling services/parenting groups. I cannot imagine the horrors of what he witnessed while deployed...or the stress that would come with such an assignment. My nephew leaves for basic training (Canadian Military) this Thursday....after four months, he could be anywhere.



Your husband must grieve the loss of his perfect little dream child. I denied that pain for too long, and then it literally brought me to my knees when I finally accepted that my son had autism. You have to say good-bye to the preconceived ideas of what your child's life was going to be and prepare them to make the best of what they will be...he is grieving because he doesn't "know" her yet. He will get to know her beyond the crying and the meltdowns...and when he accepts that child it will be easier for him.



Does he feel he has done something deserving of punishment? He has to get away from that thought. Does he think the sins of the father will be visited upon his child? Tell him, if he says that again, that you have never heard of anything so self-centred in your life and that God does not "nit-pick" If He was going to punish him, it would not be through his child. There are so many worse things that can happen to a child, and believe it or not, I know enough to be thankful that all I am dealing with is autism. I have to take my son to Sick Kids hospital in Toronto for a fairly mild eye disorder. While there, we see the sickest of the sick children....heart patients, cancer patients, full paralysis...NEVER think that this is the "worst" thing that could have happened....there is so much more out there that makes autism look like a walk in the park.



Let him "mourn" but tell him he has to get on board.



I am really interested to know if you have any therapy services. If not, see what is available. I would be happy to give you ideas if you are on a waiting list.



Good luck and best wishes,



Sheila

Emilie - posted on 01/09/2010

Nothing can prepare anyone for the unique challenges of being a parent of a special needs child. I also highly doubt that anything you say is going to make that lightbulb go off. Just like coming to where you are was a process for you, it will be one for him. Parents often react differently and on different timelines to their children's issues. It's definitely a good sign that he is trying. I'm giving advice that I know from personal experience is tough, but I still think it is good advice. Give him the time and space he needs to work this out for himself. As for better interactions with your daughter while you are waiting - try giving him just one or two tips before an interaction. Don't hover or interfere during their time together and don't overwhelm him with a laundry list of do's and don'ts. Neither of these are helpful for him or your child - plus both would just add to your frustration. Helping him have positive interactions (even if they seem staged or forced to you) will help him to see both the positive and the challenging aspects of your daughter that you have been seeing over the last year and a half.



Anyway, from one mom to another, that's what I've got. It has worked for me with some family members and failed with others, but I haven't found anything better.

Kristy - posted on 01/09/2010

Are you getting any early intervention for her Autism? My son does his share of Headbanging and screaming. I should say more like howling! I know its all hard to take, but keep in mind that you husband has been away for a long time and is now learning how to deal with it. Its always difficult to deal with these things, but you need to remind him to be patient with her.



You both really need to read up on the subject as much as possible. I know its very difficult being in Germany and going through a major move and all, but the more you know the more you will be able to help. When I had my son tested, and got the official diagnosis of Autism with metal retardation, it was like somebody dropped a bomb in our laps. We immediately both begun to question everything. So we read up on the subject as much as possible. I recommend Healing the New Childhood Epidemics: Autism, ADHD, Asthma, and Allergies: The Groundbreaking Program for the 4-A Disorders. This book really helped out it was very informative. You might want to try putting her on the gluten and casein free diet for her autism. I have my son on a whole array of nutritional supplements including digestive enzymes which seem to make all the difference.



If you start with figuring out what sets her off and what makes her act more normal, then you can start taking steps to making her more functional. Who knows you might even be able to put the genie back in the bottle so to speak. We started out with a diet diary, where we would wrote down everything that he ate and his behaviors through out the day. Pretty soon we begun to see patterns and we started eliminating what he would would have reactions too from his diet. We figures out that he has many food allergies that have to be dealt with. He is also going to a special needs preschool where he isn't the only kid there with autism or some other issue.



I know its hard for you. Sometimes its hard for my husband to be patience with our son and sometimes I feel that he can be a little harsh in his discipline of our son. I often have to step in and remind him to try to be more understanding of our son. Try getting into a support group and maybe even a little bit of counseling for the two of you. He left when she was 18 months before she had a problem in his mind. You have been her with all this time and have had to learn through trial and error what you can and can't do. He left when she was a baby and now he's come back to a 3year old. Even a normal child would be completely different than just a taller happy 18 month old. He hasn't been there though all the melt downs and the fits of rage and all the heart ache. He needs to understand that you have and that you know what works and what doesn't in the line of discipline.



I have two children my 3 year old Autistic son and a completely normal 19 month old daughter. We can't leave drinks around where she can get to them becuase she will spill them all over herself and everything under her. They both have their moments and sometimes they take turns driving us crazy. You are used to all of this he is just learning. He has a steep learning curve to go through and a lot of catching up to do before he can truly appreciate the citation.



Maybe if you started saying the there is nothing wrong with her she is just special and has special requirements it wouldn't seem so bad to him. Also tell him that Einstein suffered from Dyslexia which is also on the autism scale and he turned out to be a genius. I understand that this his hard on both of you, but don't give up.



Good Luck



~Kristy