How can I help my son with social skills?

Joanne - posted on 08/24/2011

This is one of the hardest part of the condition, seeing them on their own and how other children pick on them. My son is 6 and we are still going through assessment for ASD as his social skills are poor. He was dignosed with ADHD last year but because of his social and lack of understanding it's still ongoing. Last September he went into Year 1 and mixed with a lot of new children, there were 2 I knew where trouble and it didn't take them long before the problems started. They picked up that there was something different about him and my son didn't understand that they were being horrible. I went straight to the teacher and put a complaint in and this was dealt with quickly. I know that this is just the start of the bullying that he's going to get through school but I try to limit the amount of 'friends' that he has.
I arranged a small group of mum's with their son's who have some problems and I don't know if this was a good idea at the time but they seem to have an understanding of one another. It has taken about 4 months before they actually started to play together, maybe only for 5 minutes but it was an improvement. I needed to be able to do this so he would feel safe and hope that they will look out for each other at school even though they are not in the same class. I know we want to let our children choose their own friends but I think we need to help them be selective and not mix with the bad ones.
It will come that he will start to play even if it is near other children whilst on his own, my son's teacher said that over the past year he has gone from being on his own playing, to still on his own but will talk to others near him. This is such an improvement and I'm so proud that he is beginning to socialise. Give him time and try to social in small groups, don't pressure him into it but when it feel right for him , he will speak to them maybe a couple of words and go off again but you will know he is feeling comfortable.

Sheree - posted on 08/23/2011

My son is almost 5 and is in the middle of being diagnosed with aspergers and they think he might have adhd but wont diagnose til he is 7. I have found when he gets upset i need to help give him words to use in each situation - eg. someone snatched my toy. I have also tried visual cue cards and have had some for the main struggles he has and everytime those difficulties come up I get the cue cards and read them to him and then he sits there and goes through the pictures - he seems to take that in alot easier

Julie - posted on 08/23/2011

I highly recommend looking into Michelle Garcia Winner's series of publications. She is a pioneer in the area of social skills for individuals with autism.

Patty - posted on 08/23/2011

My eldest son is 12; he was d/xed at 8. The biggest help has been a safe, low-dose method of detoxification called the Cutler protocol. There's a Yahoo group: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Rec...

He has changed so much thanks to that. I tried social skills classes and other stuff too, but getting the toxins out made the lasting difference. Michelle Garcia Winner has books on the social skills stuff which are good though.

Rebecca - posted on 08/23/2011

I recommend going to SocialThinking.com

Michelle Garcia-winner has easy to read books not just for patents but also for kids.

Start with Thinking About You Thinking About Me

If you're not sure which books are appropriate give them a call. I did and it was really helpful.

There are also some great apps and PC games to teach social skills. I found an app yesterday for initiation of social skills "conversation builder" that my 6 yr old daughter loves. My almost 8 yr old aspie thought it was funny to use it to record him farting... I'm hoping he will use it for it's intended purpose. He is aware he is different and does everything possible to try and fit in. He starts 3rd grade tomorrow but is socially more at a k-1 level.

He does a lot of sports skills classes and is starting a social skills group as well. Structured social time is helping build his confidence and friendships for when unstructured play occurs.

Kim - posted on 08/23/2011

We have found that there are some children who "get it" and treat our child very well even when he isn't at his best, even patiently helping to model the appropriate social skills to our child. We have made a point of making as much time for our child to "hang out" with these kids as possible. We will continue to hand pick our child's friends for as long as we can, limiting the time with the kids who are mean, etc.

Vanessa - posted on 08/19/2011

Hi Carol, thanks for your post. My son does the exact same thing. Just today, he was at his gymnastics club and as usual, he was fidgeting, twitching and playing around with some rope thing. Another child told him to stop being annoying, in a nasty manner. My son stopped briefly then carried on anyway! After, I asked him what the girl said to him - he firstly said 'nothing' and then when reminded he told me what she said. I asked him if she was nasty - he said 'no, nobody is nasty to me'. This is sooooo not true! And happens so often. Just like you, I always explain things to him after and he seems to understand, but then things don't ever really change?? I often wonder whether he is blissfully unaware of these negative responses from others or whether this is just setting him up for a massive fall in the future. I guess the key is to keep explaining, reassuring and comforting our children, in the hope that one day it will sink in....

Carol - posted on 08/19/2011

My son is almost 11 and last school year was the first time I cried myself to sleep after seeing how the beastly kids treat him. I'd suspected, but one night I got to see it. What was worse is that he says he didn't notice. We were at a roller skating/lazer tag place and I stood a few hundred feet away (he knows enough to know that moms aren't cool). I saw 3 kids standing around him asking him questions and then laughing in his face. When we got back in the car and I asked how the night was and who the kids were he said that they were his friends.
I've found that if I see or hear him doing something a little off I'll wait until we're alone and explain how it's socially unacceptable. ie When a kid tells him he doesn't want a toy or to play a game or even candy, he should not try 20 times to make him take it or do something. I'll explain that the boy told him to go away after asking the 10th time because he was mad that he didn't respect his wishes. I can see the wheels turning as he thinks back to how things went. It seems easier if he has kind of a script of do's and don'ts.
I know that there's a set of cards for social situations that you can buy that try to help introduce things common for kids - birthday parties, first day of school, etc. My understanding is that you read them with your kid and then act them out and discuss appropriate actions. Good luck. Stay on top of the bullying!!! Last year was horrible and the teacher claimed to never see anything. Spy if you have to.

Cheri - posted on 08/17/2011

It is really hard to see! I hope so too, I wish you and your son the best of luck

Vanessa - posted on 08/17/2011

Hi Cheri, thanks for responding. My son also attends play groups, a gymnastics club and he is in mainstream school also. Like you, I also have other kids over often so he has plenty of time to be around other children. He loves to play with others so he does get upset when children don't react nicely to him. Just like you, I see other kids don't play with him when he tries, even when he hasn't really done anything odd. It's like they just 'know'. Really hard to see right? I hate it! Maybe what we're doing will have a positive impact over time. I hope so. Good luck!

Cheri - posted on 08/17/2011

I have my son in play group once a week and also I babysit 2 times a week. So then he has to get use to other kids. I do see that other kids wont play with him when he trys. But for the most part he could less but I'm hoping being around kids will help