husband does not believe

Krista - posted on 03/03/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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What do i do when my husband does not believe in our sons diagnoses of aspergers he is 14 now,and he thinks he just needs harder discipline,we fight all the time as i try to explain to him that he doesn't mean it and all i get is that i am not supporting him.

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Krista - posted on 03/05/2010

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thank you all for your wonderful and encouraging comments i am so glad that i have found this forum it helps heaps in deciding what i am going to do. thanks to all,i must close this conversation as it notify s me on our email we have together and if my husband sees it, oh my god all hell will break loose. thanks to all

Amber - posted on 03/05/2010

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I face this same problem with my life partner and most of "his family and friends" ...my people are pretty much on board. We have had great success with speech therapy and Partners in Autistic Learning class for our 3 year old son. However, my partner will tell me "SEE! I told you he want Autistic!" It goes to show that my partner isn't involved in the hours of therapy and hard work. It's like the progress works againts the diagnosis sometimes.
I have found comfort and support through meeting almost weekly with other mothers in my community that have children with Autism. We have coffee or breakfast and discuss whatever is on our minds.
I am sorry you and your Husband arent on the same page... I know it drives a wedge between my partner and I. .

Carolan - posted on 03/05/2010

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oh my love i sooooooo no how you feel i had a tough time with all the members of my toni family her dad and i split up years ago so i really brought her up on my own it took toni 16 yrs for her dad and all to stop being in denial . but it was too late the damage had been done if ur hubby doesnt try a bit harder hell end up pushing himself away . i tried everything sent social workers to talk to him , solictors letters adventualy tonis physogolist had a talk with him but he rarely sees her and doesnt really know her so how can he ever understand her maybe if ur husband took over from you hed know how how to deal with ur son better ignorance is bliss eh men

Thomasine - posted on 03/05/2010

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In my case my daughter was diagnosed because i noticed something was not right, her dr. said it was'nt Autism let's just say Mother's know best. Her dad just thought she was being hard headed wanting to do what she wanted and it came to a point where i had to say look this is what it is, it's not as hard for us as it will be for her if we don't support her (because they need ton's of support if we don't look out for their best interest who will) it came to a point where i decided if he could not join us then i would have to do what was best for her and leave him. I started printing symptoms and signs for him to read and he started seeing that it was more then just being stubborn and misbehaving. For me your child or children come before anything keeping them around negativity will not help but harm. Best wishes to you and your son and i hope everything works out.

Amanda - posted on 03/04/2010

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Men are hard-wired to try and "fix" things. Most of them get very frustrated if they can't fix stuff or tell us how to do it.

Moms are hard-wired, on the whole, to nurture and support.

A discipline problem is something that a Dad thinks he can fix, I would imagine. While having a child on the spectrum is a scary unknown that can't, at this point, be "cured."

I can't imagine how frustrated you must be, but supporting your son is the right thing to do. You've got enough on your plate; I like Sheila's comment about "Get beside me, get behind me, but don't get in my way." Any husband worth his salt will appreciate the Mama Bear in you!

Thinking of you ...

Amanda
Blogging for Billy at www.AmandaBroadfoot.com

Barbara - posted on 03/04/2010

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I understand where you are coming from my son is 14 and autistic. The other night my huband said some really mean things to and about are son. Which to this day has not apologized for. Men can see cerebral palsey they can see down syndrome you cant unless you have been around it see autism. Talking to a doctor I dont think help because my husband has gone to doctors appointments with me. As mom's we just need to stick together and support our sons with or with out the help of our hsubands

Krista - posted on 03/04/2010

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thank you all,for your comments but i think in my case that i have been fighting this with him for 10yrs and that is more then enough time for him to deal with it. i have to say sheila i would have to agree with you and i love your straight forward comment.I am at the stage i think i would be better on my own with my son.

Amanda - posted on 03/04/2010

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Mothers seem to be the first to be able to accept their child's diagnosis, fathers and extended family are usually a lot slower and find it more difficult, maybe it's because we have no choice but to pick up the pieces and do what our child needs us to do.

Give him time to come around, he might not show it but it is painful for a father to admit there is something he can not protect his child from.

Beth - posted on 03/03/2010

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I know where you are coming from - unfortunatly for me it is my ex-husband which makes it even harder to communicate.

Try to just point out facts and not debate emotions. For example if your son repeats phrases, flaps, spins etc begin by focusing on these points first, then expand on whatever your current concern is (behavioral or not). Your husband sees the same child you do, so try to make sure you can use examples of things you know he has witnessed and why they are related to your sons condition.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

Cassandra - posted on 03/03/2010

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What you need to understand is its difficult for any parent to hear there child has a problem... Worse of all its hard for the father of that child to accept it. In there eyes, everyone else is wrong and they are right and that their child couldnt possibly be not perfect.
Maybe get some medical person to explain things to your husband. I know it sounds easy enough to say it on here then to actually deal with but to be honest every one of us on here have been through this one time or another.
Your not alone ....

Best wishes to you and your husband and hope you sort it out soon xx

Sheila - posted on 03/03/2010

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Tell your husband to grow up.



I am probably the last person to give any type of advice on this issue because I am so sick and tired of these fathers who refuse to accept that their children have neurological disorders. Painfully, it would be easier for them if your child had a life threatening illness like cancer, or diabetes because then they can comprehend it.



I would tell him (as I have told my husband) you're right, I am not supporting you, I am supporting my son.



Get beside me, get behind me, but don''t get in my way.



I just can't get over it, they don't "believe" it...like it's a debate over the Loch Ness Monster or something. Tell him when he receives his degree in childhood development, and has met with hundreds (thousands in a career!?) of children and can assess their needs, than maybe you'll listen to him.



Like I said, not the best person to give advice...unless you want someone to tell you that your husband needs to grow up and get with the program....then I'm the perfect person! LOL



Really Krista, my heart breaks for you and your son because I know what it's like to climb this hill....it is exhausting, and you need your safe place where you can find strength.....that safe place should be with your husband.



Good luck and best wishes,



Sheila

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