I need help to help husband understand

Jeanette - posted on 05/02/2011

My 8 year old son was recently diagnosed with Aspberger's disorder. Part of the reason I had him tested was because my husband felt I wasn't disciplining him enough. I knew that was NOT the problem. I have heard it is harder for fathers to deal with their sons having issues. I would agree about the book by Holly Robinson Peete's husband. Although, I have not read the book, I have heard him speak. One thing I have learned so far is everyone involved in your child's life needs to be on the same page. I just told my husband that this is what was going on and we need to deal with things differently. We are actually scheduled to attend a behavioral class Wednesday night. It came to a point where I knew I could not help my son anymore...I didn't know how! And it was disrupting the family. Once I talked with the psychiatrist and read the report I have a better understanding of WHY my son does the things that he does. It my be worth it to have him tested. And have your husband go with you to the diagnosis session. I always tell people (I also have a 5 year old with Down syndrome!) that you are your child's BEST advocate! If you, don't fight for him, who will?! Good luck!

Becky - posted on 05/01/2011

My son's recommended us going to family counseling with a psychologist who specialized in it, to help our family dynamics. We ended up resolving many issues without going but I know the possibility is there. I know my son is so frustrated dealing with his Asperger's and I've questioned him extensively about what he does and why. Behaviors that seem lazy turn out to be coping. I think your husband needs more info and if he is resistant to reading a book, then the counseling thing could help..............

Rosie - posted on 04/29/2011

I really feel for you my hubby is great and has accepted our daughter's diagnosis but will not help with any of her theory (which doesn't help me in the long run)...If your husband does read then get him to look at Holly Robinson's hubby's book.....it is awesome and great from a guys' point of view...it is hard for every family to deal with a diagnosis of Autism....maybe he needs some more time to deal with the issue...wish you the best of luck....hopefully for your sake and your sons that he comes around....

Bonnie - posted on 04/27/2011

I hear this is a regular reaction from dads when their wives are looking into getting their child who acts out of the norm diagnosed, and even after the diagnosis is given. Some take years to get on the same page as their spouse with how to help and understand their child(ren). My husband thought for a while that it comes down to our child needing more discipline, but as we went through the process of getting diagnosed, and received the diagnosis of ASD, he started opening his eyes, mind, and heart to learning more about what his son is going through. We don't allow bad behavior, but understand when it is something that our son cannot help. Giving him space, exercise, one on one time, or whatever we can to help him. You will have to step up and advocate for your son, to get him the help he needs.
I started with the school district while my son was in Kindy, to get him tested, and then into special ed with speech help. The next step we took, was to ask his doctor to direct us to pediatricians authorized and equipped to test and give diagnosis for possible aspergers. We were referred to a group of behavioral, developmental pediatricians in our area and insurance. Then, I requested my son have a school reevaluation to make sure he is getting the academic assistance necessary for his further growth success. Hugs, and prayers as you move ahead to see what the doctors can share with you to help you, for helping your son. You can find parents of kids with similar issues you may be experiencing with your child. Interaction within this group will hopefully help your husband understand that he isn't alone in his struggle to understand your child, and that it can be better without the need to just jump to what he may have been taught that all kids just need more discipline to improve. Every kid is made different, and needs to be treated as such. No one way is the right way for every kid to learn. I think Kaleigh shared it well.

Carol - posted on 04/27/2011

Have him check out the book by the husband of Holly Robinson Peete. A book by an ex football player talking about how he struggled with his son's dx of ASD is powerful.

Kaleigh - posted on 04/26/2011

Um your hubby and my hubby should go bowling. Sometime's its harder for them because they get this expectation from other guys or their family put on them that the man is in charge of discipline and that a child acting out is a direct reflection that they aren't doing their job right. My hunni's problem is mostly his family with that, they feel that a good spank will set our son right...yes you heard me right a nice good hit will smack the autism right outta him, lovely people. Anyway its hard for him too because he doesn't have dad friends with special needs kids so there's no compassion coming from someone in a similar situation only judgement from people who's kids are all grown and 'normal'. He feels as at a loss as I do but his way of dealing with it is to deny the disorder, on a good day you will hear nothing but that "he's fine, the doctors don't know what they're talking about" in a meltdown though I just ask him gently "so this is fine right? nothing wrong here this is 'normal'?" and he's usually responding with exasperation saying that he doesn't know what to do and he feels like it's his fault our son is acting this way. Open communication and trying to look at things from his perspective helps, just like you have to do with your child as funny as that sounds. I will add that a friend of mine confided in me that almost 20years later her husband is still in denial, he has been very supportive ongoing of her and their son with ppd and their other two sons, he has been on board all along but that no he never quite came to terms with it completely. Sometimes that's just their way of coping with it and wrapping their mind around it...to not to. A big part of why he never fully accepted it is because he feels to treat them as you would any other child will help them surpass limits others put on them, who knows he could be right in his own way. But yeah you're not alone, for our situation I'm just trying to be the one focussing on treatment and I'm letting my hunni have his time to challenge that, everyday he gets a little more on board as he sees that a)the therapists are handling our son in a way he's okay with b)the autism information we're getting describes our son pretty much perfectly and b)the therapy and treatment is helping maybe only a little right now but it's enough of a difference to catch his eye and thats enough for me right now.

Best of luck Lindsay, do me a favour and wish the same back I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need it as we've just begun our journey