I need some support...apparently I am "crazy"...

Elise - posted on 05/12/2010 ( 42 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone, this is my first post, so i hope that its ok.

My nearly 5 yr old son was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD late last year. He attends a preschool, speech therapist, OT, psychologist and we also have an early childhood social worker. I found out today, that the preschool staff have been ringing the social worker saying that there is nothing wrong with him and they think i am just anxious etc. Hello? He has a diagnosis? My son thrives on adult attention so when we see a specialist or his social worker comes around, he gets one on one time with a fresh adult... of course he is going to behave himself! And at preschool, no one notices him anyway? Just because he is not violent doesn't mean he doesn't need help right? (he is more the depressive type). So all i hear is "oh he is fine when i see him" or "he presents well to us!" or "really, he is just normal" but when he is with me he is completely out of control! So now i am wondering why? Why is he only like this with me? I am a good Mum. I know this myself and all the people in my life agree but now i find myself in a sad place where i feel everyone thinks i am crazy and no one agrees with me!

Is anyone else going through this or have done in the past? Any advice or help would be really appreciated. I am feeling very alone.

Thanks!

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Karen - posted on 05/15/2010

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Ok 1st you need to find a preschool that specializes in ADHD and Aspergers syndrome (google it for your area) Also YOUR NOT CRAZY....my son has both dx and you will have a fight with special ed when he goes to school also you are your childs best advocate find a good dr that specializes in both and fight for your childs rights... you the mother are the best person to use as historian if a dr has dx your child with this and preschool wont listen YOU NEED A NEW PRESCHOOL they are doing more harm than good for your child!!!!! consistancy and schedules work well with these children changes in routine frustrates them Hope this helped Karen BSHS.,BSN RN

Susan - posted on 05/14/2010

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I know how you feel, my situation however being, I was a horrible Mother because I was doing nothing to help my child... the teacher actually told me I was a bad mom. they had just put him on medication and he was crawling around under the desks during class. he was in 3rd grade. I think the teachers forget that there are varying behaviors with Aspergers not everyone is the same, they need to go back to school and retrain.

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Tania - posted on 09/21/2011

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this gets me really angry ...how dare they ring and put in there opinion saying he seems fine and normal , you have a dianosis and really children do act differently at home cause thats where they are most comftable , dont let them worry you they are not specialist and you as a mum are a specialist in your owns childs behaviour . i have two boys both have aspergers and one also has adhd and tourettes and guess what he is worse at home ...oh well home is not so structured as school or preschool is it and there are not other children around playing all day its back to reality at home . i try my best to structure home so as there are not stressors but we are only human and guess what life isnt structured . i would march on in there and give them a piece of my mind but thats just me , as parents who are dealing with children that have aspergers or whatever is sressfull enough so it really gets on my nerves. i have been in this situation and well i would have got way to angry so i called a parents advocate and told them what was happening ....they couldnt believe it and they went down and spoke to the school . coming from someone other than a mother they seem to take it a lot more serious. and thats what sucks the most . so all i have to say is your not crazy at all .....best of luck

Lori - posted on 06/07/2011

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It is NOT unusual for a child with AS to "keep it together" and then fall apart at home. If he fits the criteria for the diagnosis, his teacher cannot take that away from him. How long is he at preschool for, a few hours? How long has he been attending? My son attended preschool for about a year before they started seeing him melt down, not tolerate things well. He would come home from preschool and behave horribly- because he had kept it all in during the 2.5 hours he was at school and he just couldn't do it anymore. He loves to please adults, so he was striving to please the teacher, therapists, etc. He absolutely thrives on positive adult attention. His teacher had a meeting with me and told me she sees it a lot, the longer they are there, the more comfortable they feel being themselves. This was a special needs preschool, not a typical preschool. My son has been with his ABA therapists since October for 4-6 hours a week and just in the last month have they seen a lot of his difficult behavior. He is a very well behaved, well spoken child when he wants to be- the things he struggles most obviously with, being a space invader, inappropriate affection, not interacting appropriately,etc., are somewhat endearing if you like children. Really, it is none of the schools business what your child's diagnosis is and you can always rescind permission for them to talk to the social worker, as HIPAA laws should apply.

Lori

Amanda - posted on 05/31/2010

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Hi Elise ... and everyone!

I have smiled so many times reading the responses to your original post. I recognize so many of the experiences here.

The upside of the growing "autism awareness" is that everyone wants to talk about it. The downside is that lots of people wrongfully think that they're now experts because they've watched a whole season of "Parenthood" on NBC.

Be patient with them. Give them as many facts as you can, information from doctors, therapists, and even reputable websites. Explain to them that your child is just as representative of Asperger's, if not more so, than some of the popular media images they have in their heads.

And then politely demand the support and services to which he is entitled and needs.

If the biggest problem is just that they keep harping about how "normal" he seems to them, explain to them about sensory process disorder: Sometimes, in a less comfortable setting, a kid with SPD is using all his little resources to hold it together. And the second he walks through his front door to home, he can finally relax all that tension he's been holding in, all that effort his nervous system has been expending to be a "good boy" and he can be himself.

The upside: he can hold it together in an academic setting. The downside: Mama gets to pick up the pieces at the end of the day ... but how lucky he is to have such a loving mom to do just that.

A mom on here once told me a funny saying that I've repeated many times in the past few months:

"You know what they say: If you've met one autistic kid ... you've met one autistic kid."

Hang in there and let us know how it's going.

All the best,

Amanda
Blogging for Billy at www.AmandaBroadfoot.com

Tammy - posted on 05/31/2010

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Hi Elise yes i and going through this at the moment my son is also Aspergers and everytime i ask how was he they just say he s fine or he s a good boy my sons problem his he has no social skills outside of places he feels comfortable in like our home his nanna, aunts home other then those places he doesnt not talk to anyone or play with other children he completely shuts down i have asked them does he play with other kids and they say no not really like it doesnt matter. It really upsets me cause i to feel he gets lost at daycare because the other kids are so much louder or are noticed more. At home he his very full on and exhausting with at times meltdowns that can last for ages this can also happen at his nannas house to. So no you are not crazy unless that makes me crazy to hehehehehehe

Deanna - posted on 05/30/2010

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Hey Mom,

I have a daughter with Autism...So our experiences are different, BUT I have struggled with her acting differently at school than at home. She is more independant and less melt downs...This is where I learned that I was avoiding conflict by being too passive of a parent blaming some of her behavior on her Autism and not being strict enough and laying down some strong boundaries...It has been a year now since that BIG wake up call and yes she still does more for the teacher than me, but some of the things she did that I thought were hopeless and never going to change have! You would be having services breathing down your neck if they thought wrong of his diagnosis...so structurize your life and your relationship with your son it will only make it easier on you!

Deanna

Joyce - posted on 05/29/2010

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Actually there is research that this does happen. My oldest son who has ADHD behaves at school but when he comes home and is coming off his medicine he starts to loose it. IT is believed that because he feels safe with you and feels that he can unwind, where has to hyperfocus around people he doesn't know very well.

http://www.bsos.umd.edu/psyc/clinicalpsy...
This link leads you to U.Maryland and discuss the mother and child of adhd relationship.. You are going to have to research on internet, I though I had saved the files on this and I hadn't but there are several universitities who have done studies on ADHD and noted that the relationship between ADHD child and Primary Caregiver (moms) can be extremely stressful...
and yes I do know of a child with ADHD and Aspergers who does this as well here...

Elise - posted on 05/29/2010

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Wow this thread has grown! Thank you all so much for your encouragement and advice! I hope you are all coping and giving yourself a pat on the back too!

[deleted account]

Outsiders must be sensitive to the spectrum of the disorder, as well as to the nature of observed interactions. The key to autistic behavior is not just that the person does interact, but the relational quality of those interactions. For example, an autistic, ADHD child may speak to others endlessly about their obsession without awareness that their audience is unresponsive -- an autistic person views others as accessories to their obsession; they are not communicating WITH others, but TO them. Some may present extremely well to a new person, but after a period of closer association become unable to conceal the behavioral idiosyncrasies of autism.



Outside observers must be taught that there is no typical autistic person. Autism is a spectrum disorder, where patients display a wide range of abilities and variety of symptoms. This quality is why the symbol ribbon is made of pieces of a puzzle -- there IS no typical way to be autistic.

[deleted account]

Too many people think Autism means "Rain Man"! Don't let armchair therapists divert you and your son from receiving the therapeutic care you need.Those who invaded your medical privacy by contacting your medical professional need training, in addition to disciplinary action. It was unconsciounable for them to intervene in such a manner!

I am Sunday School/VBS teacher for a precocious autistic 3rd grader. This child obsesses about the Titanic and is also extremely verbal about family events, concocting elaborate fantasies. Most people find this child attractive, superficially charming and highly communicative. Due to the misconceptions of autistic behavior, many people have "shared" their opinion that this child is a genius who has been woefully misdiagnosed.

Because I have a teenaged niece who is also autistic and shares many of the same traits, I quickly recognized this child's behavioral pattern as some form of autism. In fact, I was prepared to gently seek a private conversation with the mom to determine if SHE was aware that there were developmental problems. Thankfully, she had already received a diagnosis and the child was in therapy.

A trained professional would have approached you directly with a casebook of observations to support their opinion. Don't become discouraged by diagnoses made by amateurs. Most are basing their opinions on popular magazine articles, movies/TV and health program sound bites. Would you allow a person with those credentials to create a prognosis for a cancer? 'Nuff said!

Dawn - posted on 05/27/2010

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Actually contrary to popular belief just because a child is diagnosed as autistic and asperger's, doesn't mean they act one certain way. Your child sounds just like my daughter and as her in home therapist told me, they are on the spectrum for various reasons and behaviors. There are "defining" features amongst all autistic kids, but they don't all exhibit them at all times. My daughter is an angel with her dad every weekend, but with me, it's holy hell.......Autism is one of the most misunderstood disorders out there. Don't start doubting your parenting, because if there wasn't a need, the Therapists, etc, wouldn't be out doing what they are doing.

Erica - posted on 05/27/2010

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wow! reading some of these posts i see my 6 year old to a t! his thing is wrestling! He honestly can tell you anything you want to know about a wrestler or a match. Just name one and off he goes! He's been getting in trouble since he was two( at daycare and then school) and was sent home. He would sit down, rock back and forth and just chant "fucker asshole bitch" over and over and over. Nobody could break this chant; the school had to call me and as soon as i spoke his name, the spell was broken and he would break down bawling. breaks my heart and pisses me off how some people look at him and treat him He can't help it and what's so sad is that he knows that. he'll tell me mommy i want to be good but i just can't mama i can't"

Erica - posted on 05/27/2010

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Since my 6 yr old son started Strattera and Risperdal together, his behavior has improved, especially at daycare. BUT they've seen his behavior before. He's destroyed an office, kicked holes in the wall, broke a kids arm by pushing him off the slide, the list goes on. He used to cuss like a sailor too. People tell me now that he's doing so good and maybe he's okay. I'm like HELLO yeah he's okay ON THE MEDS! off the mes omg he's totally wild, violent and out of control. I feel for ya!

[deleted account]

I feel the same way. I have a son who's 12 and a daughter 5 just diagnosed with Aspergers/ADHD. My daughter's teacher's swear she is not any form of Autistic. We go out to eat she is under the table or running around like a wild child. Major drama all the time. From the seat belt being twisted, to she wants chocolate milk, or something to cry about.
Her teacher's tell me just to be firm with her. If they only knew. They only spend 2 hours a day with her, and it is the same routine every day. They also change activities often.
You are not alone, some people will never understand what we are going though.
lol this is my first post also

Cheryl - posted on 05/20/2010

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Don't ever think you're crazy or that it's just you. I have Sensory Integration Disorder and when I was in school it was largely ignored until my mother threatened lawsuits. Now my 3 year old son is having problems, has really since he was born, and I am having a hell of a time getting the preschool to listen to me about him. I have no official diagnosis because he behaves in front of adults and is very high functioning, but there are problems. He didn't talk until he was almost two and that was after speech therapy, he never expresses actual emotion, only a "copy" of someone else's, he has never liked to cuddle or be held and when he throws a tantrum, he has to be physically restrained to keep him from hurting himself or his baby brother. His older brother had a few of these problems too, but he seems to be creating his own copings skills just like I had to. I sincerely wish that Autism and Autism spectrum disorders were more commonly talked about so that people didn't think they were dirty words and so that the teachers could be more helpful with the kids. I'm not knocking teachers that do try to help, but it seems like there are too many who just don't want to believe that "their" kids have trouble.

Brandie - posted on 05/19/2010

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some people just dont get it... if he has a diagnoses, they cant refuse him the extra help he needs. some people have this set immage of autism.. and nothing else could possibly be. you say he preforms well with a fresh adult.. do they realy think it is "normal" for a child to be so social, and co operative with complete strangers? if i take my son for a walk he will approch every person we pass by and ask them there name.. that is not typical child behavior!! lol. some people need to realise not every autistic child does hand flapping, or throws abusive melt downs, screeches, and cant talk.. there all very individual, with individual obsticles... some people need to be educated outside of a book. stick to it, get what you need done, its a long hard battle, but dont give up cuz its only your child that will suffer... NO YOUR NOT CRAZY!! (altho them im not so sure :/ )

Kathryn - posted on 05/19/2010

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hey hun! take a deep breath! no one saw 'abnormal' behaviour in my child either..even tho she is 7 , people don't notice it! hang on there lovey and stick to your beliefs!! xx

Susan - posted on 05/19/2010

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The worst thing in this all is that NO one wants to diagnose Autism, Aspergers, or any other Mental health issue with a young child, not that we want them too, I know that many of us actually wish it was in our head that we were crazy, but in reality we are not and our children have been diagnosed. how many of you have had your (for those with boys) boys checked for Fragile X, I was told it is now one of the tests they should be doing in boys that have been diagnosed. honestly both male and female can have this But from what I understand boys are mostly affected. DO NOT hesitate to go see a neurologist it might be in the best interest of you and your child.

Linn - posted on 05/18/2010

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I am so glad that I am not the only person who goes through this. My son is only 3. His teacher says his behavior is good at school. Then he comes home and stims, he fights wit his little sister, get physically aggressive. or will simply hide because the world is just too scary for him at that moment. The staff at school act as if nothing is wrong. But when asked what Ethan does at school they admit that he hides under the play equipment outside rather than plays. He yells out his teachers name. He spits on the floor, etc. He has had a few full fledged tantrums at school where he has refused to do things but the teacher blows it off like it's no big deal. Now the school wants to move him to a mainstreamed class next year with no supports. My son cannot handle alot of noise. He also does poorly in crowded areas. Once he grabbed a lady's butt in public because he was trying to manuver in a crowded store and couldn't figure out were he was in relation to other things sround him. ( he has sensory integration disorder). I can just imagine the call I'll get when he grabs another child. right now he is in a self contained classroom with8 other kids with varying special needs.

Aimee - posted on 05/18/2010

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One thing I have learned is that most teachers do not know what they're doing when it comes to special needs children. My son has PDD-nos, and is high functioning. We've been very lucky that we have had good teachers so far, but it's my biggest concern each school year. The thing about autism/aspergers is that no two children will present the same way...and they can't be approached the same way, either. That can be quite the inconvenience to the teacher. Stand your ground and do what you have to so that your son gets the help he needs. And no, you're not alone! Good luck and God bless!

Karen - posted on 05/18/2010

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The first time I took him (I had to be pre-qualified (the worst word in the english language) to a "Family Therapist" she said I was being draumatic because I had broken up with my boyfriend; and when I FINALLY got him into a neurologist......... he said.....get ready....and I quote....."Oh Asperger's, you don't want him to have that." There is a SPECIAL place in hell for those people!! and a special pleace in heaven for people like my son and the people who fight for him to have a better life.

Natasha - posted on 05/17/2010

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Hello. Trust your instincts because you know your child better than anyone else. I too have to sons on the spectrum. My 7 year old with Asperger's, and my younger son with a severe case of autism. Be encouraged-:)

Karen - posted on 05/17/2010

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My hubby and I are the gaurdians of almost 7 yr. old twins who have a variety of problems. We are know looking into possible low spectrum autism. We have, between the two of them, adhd, odd, anxiety, who knows? Their mother is bi-polar, both parents have depression and addictive personalities. It is my observation that they, like all children, behave better out than they do at home, although they have shown some of the behaviors at church and school, they are worse at home. We have major meltdowns. I think it's b/c like everyone else we show our true selves to those we are most comfortable, and feel safe, with. If you have a diagnosis, you have a diagnosis. Those people don't live with your child.

[deleted account]

I hate when child care workers are so short sighted.
Of course he behaves differently in the classroom. The environment is entirely geared toward children. There other children there to provide distractions and a lot more structure. Day care centers follow a notoriously structured routine which someone with Aspergers and ADHD would thrive on.
Also, there are how many other children in his class? I am almost positive they are probably missing some things. I know that I as a child care professional myself was more observant then every co worker I worked with.
It was so frustrating. And I can remember having similar arguments with coworkers over children who were diagnosed with special needs and whether or not the parent was right or wrong.
It pissed me off then and it pisses me off still.
If it weren't for the fact it would be hell on your son, I would suggest changing centers to one with staff who are more supportive to both you and your son.
If you think your son would cope alright with that kind of change, then look for a new center.
These people are not doing your son any good or you.

Good luck!

Denise - posted on 05/16/2010

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I have a daughter diagnosed with ADD, mild mental development delay (may I add that it is b/c a Dr. didn't want to recongnize the signs of a baby and mother in destressduring labour) due to brain damage caused at birth from lack of oxygen. I am also a Child and Youth Worker...which in Ontario means I am a form of a social worker who understands and can help with child and youth (ages 1-21) who have emotional, developmental, cognitive and physical issues or delays. Like my child, it sounds like your child is trying so hard to do their best for the "most important" that when they are home they are more comfortable and able to be more relaxed, showing their true personalities.



I would take this as a compliment. It shows that your child respects others; especiually adults, wants to do his best in an educatiional setting and intelligent enough to know that that is what they expect of him.



My daughter is never behavioural, always doing her best at school. It has taken me 7yrs to get her the supports she needs without dismissing her as a child who will outgrow her 'disabilities'. I know it is well worth the fight though I also know she would have benefited more from them LISTENING TO ME.



It is a challenge, but it is well worth the fight to see your child succeed. Keep fighting and don't back down. You know you are right. Sometimes the well educated don't even know the answers. Do what you know is best for your child and don't let the secondary people in his life tell you otherwise.

Claire - posted on 05/15/2010

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when my daughter who is autistic was at nursery , they said too me i dont think anything is wrong with her , she just stands in the corner of the room playing by herself ( i was like hello and every other child in the room is playing ,whats normal about that ) so their are people out there that think they know more than us but they arent with them 24/7 , also i have 3 on the spectrum and they are good at school but at home its like world war 3 ,which i think is good i can cope with my days knowing they are not hitting biting attacking there friends or teachers . but i do have to laugh when they flip at me if they have had a bad day people faces are a picture , and i think too myself yes this is what we have to go through when you dont see them .

Suzanne - posted on 05/14/2010

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The one constant is that we are all told to varying degrees that we are crazy, bad parents, or just plain wrong. Fourteen years later and I still have battles with schools and teachers. Have faith in yourself and know that you are not alone. You know the truth and your doctors know the truth. Hang in there and like the other lady wrote, welcome to Crazytown.

Karmi - posted on 05/14/2010

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For starters, I don't think it is the preschool should have any right to call the specialist that observes him, without calling and asking you for permission first. They have no right to think you are crazy either, you are a mom doing that you think it best and you are doing a GREAT job. I worked in preschools and daycares for many years and have seen children that are different at home than at school or the other way around. I don't know much about aspergers, but I think the specialist thinks it is a problem and the doctors think he was diagnosed wrong then they can say something. Bot a preschool teacher who isn't trained to do so. Also if you are asking for certain routines or discipline skills to happen with your son they should do so! I would never not do what a parent said, that's why you are his parent, so you can pick and chose how you want to raise him not them. Keep your head up I'm sure it will all calm down sooner then later :)

Christi - posted on 05/14/2010

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my sister's school told us she was just a bad child when she had a meltdown and psychotic break. she is autistic/has asperger's and ADHD and is also epileptic and biploar. so many teachers would tell my mother that she just needed better discipline and no one was willing to work with her. it took her having to spend a year in a live in care facility before they took it seriously. they would push her on things that she could not understand and it would push her into meltdowns. i made me so mad that they thought she was just stupid and mean. now they see what she is like when she gets the help she needs.

Andrea - posted on 05/14/2010

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your not crazy. but they sure will try to make you think so. I went thru alot of this with my two kids. they are now 18 and 20 and doing really very well. I am now glad I never gave up and I listened to myself. even though at the time i drove myself crazy second guessing myself all the time. I was not willing to wait until a behaviour became a big problem. I tried to be proactive and address things as they came along. I don't know that what I am saying to you is helpful but hang in there our kids are worth it.

Suzanne - posted on 05/14/2010

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You are not crazy.. it is still early and school is new to him.. home is comfortable and familiar so of course that is where the majority of the meltdowns will occur.. however, as i have seen withmy 11yr old step-son (PDD and ADHD) he was perfect the first part of the school yr and as the yr progressed he became more familiar with his teachers and peers and then all of a sudden the meltdowns started happening at school on a more regular basis as well.. he cools off quicker for them than he does here at home but that is just the way ot goes.. i am having issues with consequences for bad behavior .. all he wants is rewards for good beahvior ( i blame that on the school lol) but God forbid i tell him no, then all hell breaks loose.. or God forbid i tell him he has lost a video game priveledge for slapping that kid on the school bus.. an explosion happens.. im 8 mos pregnant too and at my witts end over here so its very nice to have you ladies to compare/contrats stories with an interact with! God Bless and good luck! xo Suzanne

Nancy - posted on 05/14/2010

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I can confirm your not crazy, I had the opposite problem with the homeroom teacher when my son was in 1st gr. The teacher in that class kept saying that he would not listen ir that she didn't have time to learn little new ways to help.(her excuse was that she was retireing every soon) I kept harping with the princaple, and the Special Ed Dept. since he was diginose and one on one was in his IEP. Took a little while but he got the help he deserved. He is now in 7th gr and doing well with his peers. Have a meeting if you can with everyone present also if you can, school staff that work with you child as well as your outside help, maybe there seeing your child the same way, and this way you and everyone else will ALL hear this same thing at once. DON'T GIVE UP

Elise - posted on 05/14/2010

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Thank you so much for everyone's in depth, caring and encouraging responses. I appreciate them so much. I am touched and feel so much better knowing i am not alone in this, I am not crazy and that I have finally found a group of people who understand what it is like. Thank you all so much again xx

Sue - posted on 05/13/2010

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Hi Elsie, your not crazy at all. Its very common for a child with Aspergers to act differently at school than at home. they need a very strict routine which they get at school, so they arn't stressed out and act "good"...well they need routine at home as well. It will cut down on the meltdowns and the stress level they feel.

My grandson has Aspergers he is 8 now but wasn't diagnosed until he was 6. Those first 6 yrs were a nightmare for me because I had no idea what was wrong with him, only that I knew something was and couldn't get anyone to believe me. He was a slow talker, past 2 1/2 yrs and talking giberish, then it hit and he has never stopped talking, literaly talks in his sleep most nites. Plus his vocabulary was so "grown up" that the dr kept telling me he was highly intelligent, and I just had to be consistant and he wouldnt have meltdowns. I WAS being consistant to the letter, it didn't help. I went in crying to the dr one day and told her she HAD to send me/him to a specialist.

There I got an answer and went home and looked up Aspergers on the net and found my grandson to a T.

I took pictures of facial expressions, things, places, because he see's things in pictures. Like if I say the word "house", he doesn't think of a bunch of houses he may have seen in his life, he only sees our house. He can tell you more about dinosaurs or pokemon than anyone else in the world I think...lol

I make a schedule for every day and its posted on the fridge, "get up, eat, brush teeth, get dressed, go to bus, go to school, come home have snack," well you get my point. Every hour is layed out for him. His melt downs have cut down from every couple of hours to once or twice a month. They can be brought on by the simplist thing. This morning it was because I cut his pancakes up for him (which I do most mornings), or I can move a toy in his room when I was cleaning and he will notice and wham another melt down.

I am still learning as I go, I have had no help of any kind since the diagnosis, it was like "this is what he has now go home and deal with it". What I have learned is that I'm not crazy.. you arn't either. It does get easier...

Sheila - posted on 05/13/2010

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Hi Elise,

Welcome to Crazytown, home to moms who know something isn't right, moms who worry too much, read too much into what they see, and expect way too much of their children. It would be a lonely place if there wasn't so many of us! lol

My little boy is diagnosed with autism. How can that be, he smiles, he laughs, he hugs people, he's so smart....I started speaking with our family doctor when he was 18 months old. At the family doctor's he was a perfect little boy....and I do mean perfect. At home, self injurious, violent meltdowns....repetitive behaviours, flapping, stimming....you name it....then perfect little boy...wouldn't utter a sound, just pleasant little toddler.

It took the intervention of an Early Years staff member, and a referral from Community and Social Services to get the ball rolling....not a medical professional...but a preschool developmental specialist. Then, thankfully, what I was seeing was witnessed by the professionals.

Your little guy sounds like mine in many ways. He does not act out at school. He keeps it together....but my nursery school teacher knew enough to recognize the other behaviours that he was displaying....depressive, withdrawn...this type of behaviour is as needy as the more "in your face" behaviours that others on the spectrum display...that's why it's a spectrum....we see it all in our kids...

I sincerely doubt that, no matter how wonderful your ECE teachers are they are as qualified as the individuals that assessed your son and provided the diagnosis. You know what you know, and you know your son's needs.

Sometimes our little guys work so very hard to hold it together that when they get home, they have a safe place to crash. All the frustrations, the confusion, the hurt, the silliness...just everything comes surging out because our children know we are there to get them through that chaos...

At home, try really hard to have a consistent routine so that he knows...groceries on Tuesday, library on Saturday...etc...Post a little schedule at the beginning of each day with six key points as to what will be done and their order...Impose some order on the chaos of the unexpcted.

Meanwhile, if you wish to run for Mayor of our happy little town, I am sure you will find much support. We all know a little something about what you are going through...

Sheila

Céline - posted on 05/13/2010

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It is easier for the school to "ignore" and say that he is normal cause they do not want to have to pay for any extra help..ect.
Do not give up...you will do fine...it's usually a long battle but once everything is settled...it will go a little better. Keep your head up

Kimberly - posted on 05/13/2010

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No you're not crazy..As my sons' pedatrician tells me and told me before my son got his diagnosis of Autism..You're the mom, you're with him more than anybody else and you know your son..So don't let others who are around him for short amount of times steer you from what you have observed and notice in your child. My son say his neuroligist yesterday and she finally got to see some of the overenergetic little boy he can be and this was shockin to her cause in the past he's usually calm and you would think nothings wrong..Don't give up on your son, keep on them to do what's best for him to you ....Good Luck with everything..And no you aren't alone with the variance in behaviour from home and other places either...

Tracey - posted on 05/13/2010

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If you are crazy then so am I and so are a heck of a lot of other mums I know. My son is the other way round, fine at home but out of control at school. Is the preschool mainstream or special needs? Most mainstream staff don't know the first thing about autism, I give college lectures to support staff and all they know about autism is from watching Rainman 10 years ago.
I assume your son goes to Primary school in September? Make an appointment to see the SENCo before he starts to discuss his needs and call the LEA about getting a statement which guarantees entitlement to help at school.
Your son could be totally overwhelmed at pre school as there may be 30 kids running around and this is why he plays up at home, he is letting his frustration out on you.
Send me a message and I'll see if I can help.

Paulette - posted on 05/12/2010

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Hi Elise



Please don't think for one minute that you are crazy because in my opinion those people just don't know what they are talking about. From what I have been told by Specialist and from my own experience with 2 boys on the Spectrum that it is quite common for them to be well behaved while they are out but once they get home that need to release all the built up stress and anxiety from the day and unfortunately we bare the brunt because home is a safe environment for them to do so.



My eldest son started Prep last year and I went to the school on numerous occasions to discuss problems he was having when he got home but they kept assuring me he was fine. Since receiving an official diagnosis the school have been really helpful coming up with strategies to assist me when he gets home. We have been very lucky this year and my son's teacher is very insightful and she has actually started noticing herself his differences which has made life a lot easier.



Don't feel sad you are not alone and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job helping your son.



How I deal with people that think their is nothing wrong with my boys is to keep asking them questions like:- so is it typical behaviour for a child of this age to be doing "xyz" (of course I know that it is not) and after I have asked a lot of questions they end up having to admit that their peers are not doing "xyz" (really what a surprise lol). In my opinion a lot of typical people are very slow to understand (if at all) the complexities of such beautiful minds.



Best of luck

Paulette

Elise - posted on 05/12/2010

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Hi Krista, thanks for your reply. Yes i have observed him at preschool and there are definetly behaviours that do unoticed by staff. I think they take it upon themselves as a failure or something if they admit he is having trouble with something. For eg. i ask, how does he do in group time? They said, great! He will sit there for 20 mins no problem! I say, what was the topic, they say trains. (Trains is his obsession). I say, well what about when the topic is not trains? They say, oh well probably he couldn't do that then.... So if i hadn't have asked that second question you would assume he would sit there for 20 mins everytime wouldn't you? Another example is his interupting. (It is adult attention he loves remember) So he will want to tell the teacher something and he will not stop shouting her name until he answers. I asked the preschool to use a laminated small hand (a "waiting hand) and for them to give it to him when he starts calling (assuming the teacher is busy or talking to someone else) and then take it back when she is ready to answer him and give him lots of praise for waiting, Now, i observe this everytime i am at preschool. The teacher refused to use the "waiting hand" and said that during the day she would just stop doing what she was doing and answer him but i really dont think he does it that much. Again she is trying to cover up the problem. Even when the teacher is talking to me he stands there yelling "BEC BEC BEC" and even though he is doing it right in front of me they deny it!
As far as fights go... if someone takes his train for eg. he wont fight or take it back. He will go straight into depressive meltdown mode. He will start making frustration noises and look around for an adult to complain to (in a whingy way) and if no adult is there he will just start sobbing and move to something else mumbuling "i am never going to get to play with trains again, i am never ever going to see the train again" etc.

Krista - posted on 05/12/2010

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i do have to addmit, it is a bit unusual for a child with aspergers and adhd, in which my son has who is now 14 yrsand was diagnosed with adhd at 5 to be fine at school and good at home.This is my opion only, have you observed for yourself his behaviour at school and interaction with other children, i hate to say so but if he is interacting will with his peers and not having fights with them or getting introuble at school all the time, mybe the teacher is right.I was a single mum and looking back he did play on this to extent even though i was a good mum and took him everywhere and did everything i relize now that i made it harder for us both by trying to be sooo good at being a mum. i hope you feel better it is hard as we want the best for our children.

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