I will kill you. I wish you didn't exist.

Jennifer - posted on 12/23/2010

listen my son has mild autism and at the begining he was traying to use that as an excuse for me to be his maid... i read a book call thats my boy it help me a lot it help me found the right tone of voice to make him comprehend im the adult an hes the child. he just turn 8 an hes doing very well more respectful and he do the cleaning an helping in the house. read and try to talk to his dr that help me too...

Sheryl - posted on 12/23/2010

for me i do times outs! and if he keep up with everything he goes right back! 1 min for each year of age. plus i till my son your on the child and i am the adult your not going to treat me like that. i have even taken toys away and even cartoons. don't let him run you! and if you need take a min then do. i hate to ask but do you or is there a father around? cause he need to see how a man should really treat someone and it not like that. my son has seen some other kids say things like that just this moring he told he brother i hate and guess where he butt was at time out. try to stay strong and don't let him get away with this stuff.

Mauri - posted on 12/22/2010

I like what Melissa says here. Nit sur ewhat specific issues your son has but let him throw the fits. I go through some MAJOR tantrums to the point where my 4yr old is throwing up becaus she has worked herself up that much. All because she orders me to do something and i remind her to ask me nicely or she has to earn something first by doing her letters or what not. She has gotten MUCH better and we only face these nasty little hours a few times a month.
Since my aspie is only 4 i still haven't had to brave these issues and to that i am grateful! But i do know i have a LONG road ahead of me. To all of you that are dealing with this just remember you are doing a good job and your child does love you. They just don't know how to communicate thier feelings. You are amazing moms who are raising amazingly special kids! You are doing the work and looking for answers to help you and your family. Good for you and that means you are doing everything right! Keep up the good work mommies!

Lisa - posted on 12/22/2010

I get the same thing from my 6 yr old sometimes too. typically because he is being disciplined for being rude, not following rules or some other behavior he knows is wrong (house rules with pictures are posted on fridge &w behavior reward chart). Also usually because he is tired as well. I agree with most moms about trying to be calm, use chart, model the behavior you want etc. I also tell him that fine, he can hate me all he wants but I still love hiim always. I do also tell him we NEVER talk about wanting to kill someone as that is a bad word ( we have discussed what that means) and if he must think it, keep it in his head, not out of his mouth. He usually apologizes right after ( again remind him that's not the way to treat anyone, especially mama) and I try to let it all go after that. Good luck with this all. And thanks, because now I know it's not just me hearing it or experiencing those moments where I just want to lock myself in my room!

Jessica - posted on 12/06/2010

My autistic son tells his father and I at least 2-3 times a week, that he wishes we would leave and never come back. So one day I said" Well if I did that, then who would make you food, get you drinks, buy you toys, hug you when your sad, etc.?" And all of a sudden it was like a light switch, he got real quiet and I asked him "Now do you reall ywant me to leave and never come back?" he said "I guess No." The next day I left the house for 10 minutes to take his sister to school, and I was gone when he woke up. I came home to him crying saying "You left me!, I looked for you and you were just gone!" he cried for about 10 minutes just hugging me like you would not believe. HE HAS NOT SAID THAT TO ME SINCE! Now his dad on the other hand is another story. But he hasn't ewxplained it to him yet like I have. So he gets that it bothers me, but thinks if no one else is saying anything, then it must not be bothering them. :) Honesty seems to work best.

Kayla - posted on 12/06/2010

My son is only three so i have yet to go through this. I understand getting frusterated. My son doesnt listen. well he doesnt talk so when you tell him something he doesnt understand. He is constantly climbing on things. When i tell him to get down he gets excited when i physically put him down he climbs right back up there and thinks its a game. i know that he doesnt understand but it is so exhausting. The way i get through those days is i just keep reminding myself when he is twenty you will want these days back. Just know that you are not alone in dealing with these issues. i have learned though that if you ignore them no matter how hard that is to do they will eventually come over and set in your lap and be so loving just so they can get that attention.

Joyce - posted on 12/06/2010

Just wanted to add a few words to what Kate said....the reward chart is a good idea, but our counselor (an awesome one!) suggests that we make everything very short-term. In other words, make the rewards happen quickly. My son was introduced to on-line porn at school (lovely!) and now is obsessed with it. I have gone through a gamut of emotions and reactions, but Brett showed me how to make little token cards for quick rewards. 5by7 card, using 3 to 5 tokens with velcro. I wrote "If I get 3 tokens...then I get a Reeces pb cup". The trick is to catch them doing the right thing. sometimes you have to make it quick before they mess up again. Over a period of time, they will become retrained in a new kind of behavior. Hope I've made this clear. if you want more explanation, Let me know. I'll try again.

Christi - posted on 12/06/2010

I would definatelyd talk to his doctor. My sister has Asperger's and we didn't know until later in her life that is what she had, but now that she is properly medicated and goes to regular therapy and Tie Kwan Do to work out her aggression, she is the sweetest my loving lil girl you will ever meet.

Kate - posted on 12/06/2010

just a quick thought... You could develop a reward chart and make sure the 'reward' is something he really wants... then set some rules about what he needs to do to earn stars and once he's earnt a certain amount he gets his reward.... then you can have the 'behaviour' in question as something he gets a star for e.g. going to the toilet by yourself, getting your own breakfast, doing all your jobs in the morning before school (and have a list by his bedroom door that he has to do by himself before he leaves). It will be a lot of work at the beginning, and it may take a little time for him to realsie it works... but if you are consistent it will eventually get your the desired outcome!
good luck!

Marilyn - posted on 12/02/2010

My son also acts this way occasionally, but we are gettting him to understand that he hurts my feelings when he does this. However, we have noticed that most of it is not because he wants a "slave", but because he needs some form of reassurance. I am single mom, who also works a full time job. So my parents help out alot. Most of my son's anger is when i get home, it is from feeling neglected and alone. He turns very clingy, and when I explain that I need to cook or clean he gets very upset. But after asking him to take his relaxation breaths, he calms down. I know it is frustrating, but you just need to keep working with him and let him know that it hurts you. Being direct is the best way to handle him. And you are not the only one who "loses it". Some days we need to take several relaxation breathes and calm ourselves down also.

Melissa - posted on 12/01/2010

I don't understand why parents train their children to treat them like that. My son has thrown fits because I didn't do what he wanted, but he has gotten past it every time. I am the parent and I am here to raise my children, not to appease them. I don't let my children get away with murder (as it were) just because of a diagnosis. It is doing more harm than good to teach your son that's the proper way to treat people. Spoiled children don't generally grow out of it. They grow into it. Today it's you, but in the future it may be his teachers, employers, or his spouse. You can develop one tool at a time to replace the tasks you do for him.

Joyce - posted on 12/01/2010

Can't say I know the answer to your problem, because I have the same one. I read that we are the "primary" for our kids. They run everything through us like a filter. They live by rules, so I'm just trying to, calmly (ha!) inform my son of what I expect from him. I even try to remember that he has to be reminded that his tone and words show disrespect to me. I have been told that a kid on the spectrum can learn anything, but it must be taught over and over for a long period of time. Don't give up. Keep teaching. Try to focus on what he needs to learn instead of feeling hurt, yourself. That's probably the hardest part for us. We feel used, abused, and insignificant. God must have a special jewel for our crowns in heaven! Thanks for sharing.

Annette - posted on 12/01/2010

Thank you everyone for your response.

Deb - posted on 11/30/2010

There are a lot of us. To add to it, I work at the jail, so my son tells me that he is going to have the people I work with arrest me. I got to a point where if he says something rudely, I tell him that I don't understand. It took a little while, but he gets it now. He certainly has those days where he is pretty mean to me, and I lose it too. It can be extremely frustrating, especially when you're tired. You're doing fine.

Sam - posted on 11/30/2010

So I'm not the only one! Sounds just like my 6 year old son.

Antoinette - posted on 11/30/2010

@Florida Taillon You are spot on as the Brits say. The only difference I have done with my DD who is an aspie is when she demands something instead of asking politely I don't ignore her. I've found that just makes matters worse. Instead I tell her that I can't carry her backpack to use the case Annette has because she needs to ask me properly.
We all are quite familiar that Aspies don't understand that they are speaking or acting in ways that commonly are considered rude. I've heard that it's best to directly tell them that they are being rude. That is more akin to how an aspie's mind works.

Florida - posted on 11/29/2010

I feel for you. Nothing quite like that at home, but my daughter tends to not listen and often acts like she doesn't like me. That doesn't make me feel good either.
Is your son doing well in school ? How is his dad with him: or any other significan adult in his life ? Any possibilities he might be imitating what he sees ? TV ? Anything new that's hard to deal with in his environment ? Is he autistic ? Does he grasp the meaning of what he is saying ? Is he violent at school ? Maybe he needs a counsellor to listen to him...
These are just questions for you- I don't expect an answer... As for doing tings for himself, I would praise him when he does, and encurage him to do things for himself.For dresing and putting on winter coats, I would ask him to show you how he does it. To try and keep trying. I wouldn't carry his back pack, unless he was exausted after school and he asked politely. I would let him know how you would like to be asked when he needs help, and ignore any other ways of asking if it wasn't polite- let him ask away, and if you feel it's right, remind him how to ask you, while staying super calm. If he doesn't ask the way you want, it's your prerogative to say no. Just say no more often. Other than that, if he makes a mess, let him (or make him) clean it up. Make sure he knows how and knows where the supplies are, and demonstrate if necessary. If he refuses to comply, take his hand in yours and lead him through it, while staying calm. Staying calm is the hardest part. I don't believe children respect people who fly off the handle very much (it happened to me a couple of times too- I should have just breathed and counted to ten, instead of ranting and giving a whole bunch of verbal info that wasn't warranted.) Be calm and consistent. I would actually wait till he's asleep and make myself a list of guidelines: what action warrants what consequence, and uniformize it. Keep it consistent. Is he allowed to get his own drink from the fridge or the tap ? How about snacks: does he have a range of things he can pick from that he can get by himself pretty much when he wants ? Do you have a plastic pitcher and plastic cups or water bottles he can have, so that there are no breakage accidents that will happen while you are in a rush, so you won't get upset because you have to clean more... I would send him to his room if he spoke to me disrespectfully to think about how he is supposed to treat others. A time out, of sorts, so for six minutes I guess. Is he scared in the dark ? Ask him. You never know... My son is turning 5, and every so often he is scared of something, though not consistently. I think there's a part of your son that would really like his mom's attentions and he just doesn't know what is acceptable: I guess they have to be thought. If he gets away with treating you like this, he might treat his partners like that too, later on. Then he'll either be unhappy that he's alone, or unhappy that he is with a kind of person that will accept this kind of treatment. I strongly encourage you to put your foot down on the rules, be consistent, stay calm, and as much as possible until your relationship is mended, show him love. I believe children do want to please their parents. And I understand this isn't easy. Please be strong, for yourself, your relationship with him, and really for him too, for now and for when he's a man. Watch some tv with him, if you can. Find out ho his peeers are treating him and who he hangs out with at school.
These are really just suggestions. I wish you the best,
Respectfully,
Florida.
PS: Who can afford it... but maybe you need a litle time to yourself, something that makes you and just you happy (I haven't really figured that one out for myself, but I know when I do it will help me be more relaxed and poised ) It will help you feel like you are worthwhile and you're not just a maid or a mom, and it makes the children maybe respect the person that you are more: you have a life, or something you like to do outside of them. Put a night light in the hall and/in the bathroom along with paper towels for your child to clean up his pee. Asides from that, if he is six cognitively, I would start giving him tasks to do around the house, like making his bed, helping clear the table, dusting, maybe even drying the dishes. Teaches responsibility and maybe respect too.