My daughter is 9 and has aspergers. She is driving me up the wall!

Laura - posted on 01/22/2011

Hi :) I am not saying this will work, but I will tell you what happened for us, and frankly, I'm shocked. My 7 year son, newly diagnosed had been mooning us for weeks and saying bad words. I asked the Pediatric Developmental Specialist how to deal with it. He said to tell him one time that it was not appropriate and then to just ignore it. I used the word nice instead of appropriate and we made a code word "I" for the other 4 children to IGNORE whatever bad behavior he was displaying. The mooning went away. I was as shocked as could be. He said that any sort of negative reinforcement with these keeps is enough to actually keep them doing the said behavior. Blessings to you. Hardest part for me was keeping my cool, but if you haven't already, just try to reframe the situation...she has special needs and trouble communicating.....you don't and you want to tell her to bug off, or at least I do with my son. YOU CAN DO THIS!! Laura

Katharine - posted on 01/22/2011

its so hard to stay patient and calm when it goes on all the time,not only is each child diff but each parent to. what i may be able to cope with the nxt person may not and vice versa. talking is good but what if they wont listen or reply or just tell u to go away or shut up or scream or shout every time u even open ur mouth. its constant and its getting to the point where i cant take much more. have tried all the things in the replys but my son is still rude and gets violent. i suffer from depression and just find it hard to be consistant 24/7 when the one person i love most in the world treats me like bit of dirt. mean it or not its still soul destroying.

Susan - posted on 12/27/2010

I recently joined, but your story resonates with me. My son was misdiagnosed until age 16, and by that time he had major depression (from not fitting in, being rejected, bullied etc.) Despite reward charts, incentives, counseling etc. what made a huge difference was medication. He takes one to reduce sensory overloade of stimuli and a 2nd one to reduce impulivity and irritable outbursts. The 2nd one was added about 6 weeks ago and the change is really huge- he is almost back to the cheerful boy I thought I'd lost. With AS, their perceptions can be exaggerated (compared to ours in the same situation) and the meds have toned things down- he acts more "neurotypically" and the people around him respond much more positively. My husband and I attended a family to family free program run by NAMI, which helped with our understanding and patience.

Jennifer - posted on 05/02/2010

Hi Laura,
Have you tried the strategy of drawing a picture (it has a name but I can't remember it sorry) about how her behaviour makes you feel and why it is not ok, it has a name and a autism advisor taught me about it as I have a 9yr old boy with aspergers. She is not nasty, just blatantly logical, my son said it would be good when I die cause then he could have mcdonalds every night for dinner. I reminded him that with out me he wouldn't have the money to have mcdonalds. It is really normal for them, they don't see the world with all the emotion we do, but they do have a really interesting perspective. I know they laugh at inappropriate times, be rude and seem so naughty and it can be very misunderstood and very embarrassing for the parents, I know. I now understand that he thinks that if I smack or yell that I don't like him cause in his mind you don't do that to some one you love, and it makes his behaviour so much worse. Aspergers kids are visual learners and that is why drawing works and they also don't have to look at you, they look at the picture and they can concentrate better that way. They seem naughty cause there is all the stuff going on around them and they can't coupe with it all, they become over stimulated and anxious, then they break something or don't think and do something silly. It is really hard to handle I know, but the calmer I have got the better he has got, though don't get me wrong i have my days when I think I am going to explode. Also my drawings are so bad, that does not matter, I have done them about many things, like nose picking, hitting, .etc..!

When I realised I was a good mum, not a bad one, (all the looks from people make you think that after a while) then I started to be empowered. Good luck it is a tough road but they are so worth it.

Amy - posted on 05/02/2010

Hello, I have a 14 year old son with apspergers. He does all the things that you arre talking about. Spanking and yelling don't work and should be considered out of the question with aspie kids.
What works is remaining calm and not letting their words get to you they are using everythin that they have to get control and of course they are not. Being consistant and calm. I hope this helps.

Ember - posted on 05/02/2010

My son has Asperger's. He will be 14 in just a couple of weeks. I could never imagine spanking him or swearing at him. That would never work. If he has misbehaved, we explain to him how that bahavior is absolutely unacceptable, get to the root of the problem, show him what the better choice would have been, and then he has to deal with the punishment (consequence). Usually, it is the loss of his favorite thing for a period of time matching the severity of the infraction. Even with someone without Asperger's, you would lose all credibility once you begin to yell, swear, or hit. Aspies are all about routines and order, cause and effect. I know with our son that the only time he really acts inappropriately is if his routine has gone awry. Sometimes our grownup issues cause it and sometimes there are school issues like bullies or especially difficult class assignments/tests. You're frustrated, and it's making you powerless. Believe me, I am warring with my son's school about bullying, so I know all about frustration. It's hard enough to have children. It's so much more difficult when they have special needs, but you would never allow a stranger to treat your child the way you've described. You need a break, and then you need help. AutismSpeaks,org has a list of support groups and resources on their site. I found it helpful to know that I wasn't alone. We, also, took a good hard and honest look at our lives as a whole. We started limiting video game and television time during the week and have gone outside. Aspies get so engrossed in the violence and sass on games and shows that they mirror it. Getting active is amazingly simple, free, and healthy. Who knew? :) In addition, we have become involved in pet rescue. It teaches humility, compassion, and Aspies have such a capacity for meticulous care. The order involved in a schedule of walking, feeding, and grooming is therapy in itself. Plus, it's a form of community service. All of it bonds the family closer together. My husband and I work full-time, so I am not a stay-at-home parent. I make the time instead of excuses. I had to do all of this for him, and even though my two daughters are not Aspies, I have them involved as well. Please start with your daughter. Something may be going on at school. Aspies are sometimes brutally blunt, and they mean no disrespect. Unfortunately, this can lead to bullying by other kids or even teachers. It could be the root. I hope it all works out for you.

Cheryl - posted on 05/01/2010

Hi laura, my daughter is 6 and she has alot of different things wrong with her, so ive been told. If me or her teachers make her angry as she ses ill kick your head in. I dont know wot to do so i try my hardest to ignore it, it aint easy especialy when she ses i hate you to me. My daughter has violent outbursts so i have to be careful with her, I have found that unless im doing something that suits her she just misbehaves and like you i am goin crazy. My daughter is bein transfered out of school already and im tryin to juggle her behaviour with finding a new school and home, it aint easy and i have no answers sorry but keep your chin up and head high x

Lisa - posted on 05/01/2010

This was so strange for me to come across this article. I had just posted on another community “Aspie Moms” the other day something similar.

I have been raising my son alone since he was in kindergarten and he was diagnosed with Apergers when he was in 5th grade. I have always been his advocate and his best friend, through most of the years, it seems like his only friend. My son gets sassy with me, almost like he is a mean verbally abusive husband! But every day several times a day he tells me he loves me and hugs me! I ask him why he is cocky and he now at age 17 is able to tell me that he doesn’t understand what the word “cocky” is. I was told before in the past from counselors that he is acting out at home where he feels comfortable to “be himself”. At school he is a model student, maybe even more than the “model” student. He is polite, helpful and gets wonderful grades. The schools perception and mine differ, it’s like we are dealing with two different children most of the time. Sometimes I cry. I just want him to appreciate me and respect me as his mom.

Please read what I posted on Circle of Moms “Aspie Moms” Community:

http://www.circleofmoms.com/e_Y_13210/As...

Ok here it goes. I always try to have a positive attitude no matter what. Very few will ever hear me complain. I hate to do it here but I think I am really tired. I am a proud, loving, caring and devoted mother and I never ever wish to imply otherwise. Have any of you encountered being treated very badly by your Aspergers child? Sometimes I just want to cry. I have tried counseling repeatedly and it has never worked for him, he is not happy and makes it very well known in the home.

My scenario in the house the other morning… He yells, “WAKE UP AND GET MY BREAKFAST (this is exactly 6:0am)”, I get up. He yells, “TIME TO GET MY CLOTHING TOGETHER AND PACK MY LUNCH (this is exactly 7am)”, I get his clothing and lunch together. He yells, “COMB MY HAIR, IT’S A MORNING ROUTINE NOW LEARN IT (this is 7:10am)”, I finally snap back, “DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT”. He replies, “I WILL TALK TO YOU ANYWAY I WANT”!!!!!

I always cook separately for him and cater to his pickiness; it’s always been this way since he was a baby. I make him his spaghetti dinner, plain with marinara sauce. I get him bread. I cut it up and make sure its bite sized. I get his apple juice in his special cup. I serve it. He said, “Would be nice to have a tv tray”, I get him one. I walked passed after a little bit and he said to me, “WOULDA BEEN NICE TO HAVE A NAPKIN”!

As I am typing this he just said, “hey, I have to use the bathroom”.

I have been told that this is because of things he has witnessed with the past men in my life treating me bad.

Please tell me that this is just a typical teen thing and it will pass. I was just in need of venting.. Tomorrow I will have that perfect attitude again, tomorrow will all be better.

Valerie - posted on 04/28/2010

Hi there, My son is 9 also and has Asperger's. What has helped him most is socialization therapy through speech therapy. He has worked with a speech therapist for many years and they teach him how to react in situations through games. It REALLY has helped. He is now in a speech therapy session with another Asperger child. They learn how to speak with respect to one another, how to form an appropriate response, how to take turns, etc. I have noticed that over the years my son is learning to not be so rude. He stops to think before he speaks most the time. We do have our moments though! If you haven't tried this then talk to your pediatrician and ask about socialization therapy through a speech program. They will point you in the correct direction. Epecially at this tender age and gearing up for the tween/teen years. Never too early to start in my opinion. I really hope that helps you!

CHris - posted on 04/28/2010

Hi, this is not an ordinary child so ordinary methods of discipline are not going to work with her. Spanking, although I spank my other children will not work well with a kid with autism as it will make them more aggressive and that is the last thing you want. One thing you should be aware of is that kids on the spectrum think in pictures. Another thing is that until someone has taught them order, before, after, consequence, sequence etc. they do not understand punishment or consequence. They don't have the ability to understand that because I have done such and such, this is the result. The best way that I have found to teach my daughter these things has been the Davis Dyslexia Solutions Autism Program. Look it up and see if it is in your area. They are based in California but have facilitators all over. Don't despair, and don't give up. You know it's in there somewhere, the brain is just wired differently. The other thing you should be aware of when talking to her is that certain words that do not have a picture attached to them will not be understood or remembered, especially if your child is youngish as she is. The word don't has no picture so she will not remember it. The word the doesn't have a picture with it, so will not be remembered. The word play does, the word jewelry does, etc. So think about the language you are using with her. This can be overcome with that program, they do it in clay. Email me for more info. Message me privately and I will send it to you. Chris

Violet - posted on 04/28/2010

My 4 yr old daughter is very mouthy too . we are excited that she expresses her self since her two brothers have speech delays but on the other hand, she is a handful so what i do is i let her know that if she wants to play her favorite game or go outside and play, she has to complete her homework or clean her play area

Katie - posted on 04/28/2010

Just had a thought - spending time with teens and adults with Asperger's if very helpful. While no two Asperger's people are the same it somehow helps me as a parent to "normalize" what I am experiencing and to give me hope. Sometimes I watch the movie "Mozart and the Whale" and it helps or the Temple Grandin movie on HBO! These give me hope!

Sharleen - posted on 04/28/2010

Hi Laura

Please dont go crazy. I would guess after 4 children of my own (one with Aspergers) she is totally unable to understand what feelings she is creating in you are. As part of this syndrome is an inability to understand feelings
My son wanted to do what he wanted when I died ...He now lives alone and says its hard work and often he forgets things like Loo roll which we need all the time!

Some of this behaviour looks to me like attention and prehaps some "special" time with just her may help. Sometimes all these books dont help so often just satying calm is best and not taking it to heart also helps REMEMBER her condition ..dont voice this to her but keep it in mind yourself
Sometime if my sons bad behaviour was to much I would say ...people dont like that in our country and you may be hurt yourself by someone who is made sad by your comments

Good Luck
sharleen

Ferne - posted on 04/26/2010

just role model want you want her to say and try to ignore her ---the rudness is the aspergers and lack of social skills

Cher - posted on 04/24/2010

Your child is looking for attention. Negative attention (such as spanking and yelling) does not work with kids like ours. They just tune you out. And in the end, you become the bad guy in their world. That's not what you want. These kids often use creative imagination to create a world were everything will be peaceful (and fun) for them. Repeating the words you said above: your child wants to be in a world where she "can do whatever she likes." She calls it death. But death is not what she really wants. She is looking to have fun now. Fun: All kids want to have fun. There is nothing wrong with having a little fun. But most adults realize that life is more than just having fun. There are chores to do, lessons to learn, and we don't want our children to be laying around like lazy slobs on the carpet. We want them to grow up to become well adjusted adults. So what do we do? I'll tell you what I did:
I, like many parents, tried to use the demand and reward methods. I made the charts. I gave stars. I took things away when that did not work. I put Jon in the corner. I felt frustrated. But, nothing really worked that good for him.....until....One day I was watching my son rollerblading. He was having fun. His attitude was cheerful. And that night it was easier to get him to clean his room. Lesson learned. Life is a game of give and take. My son wanted to have fun. I wanted the chores done. In order to get everything done, there would have to be some kind of compromise. I would have to meet some of his needs in order to get my needs met. I chose to find a way of making his life fun. I began to study my son. Once I knew what he wanted, I found ways to put those things into action. I needed the dog walked. Jon took the dog rollerblading. Job done. I also found out that my son had fun creating stuff for what he called the "general store". I needed the shelves of the kitchen organized. Jon wanted to play store. I made the kitchen his store room. He organized my shelves. We worked side by side to get the job done. And had a lot of fun doing it all. Give and take worked when nothing else did. And Jon had fun.

And isn't that what being a child is supposed to be all about: having fun? So why not make your child's life a little more fun? Ask yourself this question: What is the something that my child wants to do? What does she feel like she is missing out on? What does she need to be happy? Once you have that answer, then find creative ways to making the chores more fun. And be willing to work with your child. Working side by side brings parent and child together, and makes the task seem less daunting.

By the way, to make a long story short: Jon is now 21, graduating from collage this year, married to a nice girl, and interning as a sound tech at one of the areas popular radio stations. I say this to point out that: Asperger children can grow up to do wonderful things. So hang in there. With your positive influence, your child will live, and grow, to become a well adjusted adult. And life will become more fun for everyone in the family, if everyone works/and plays together. Good luck.

Kristin - posted on 04/24/2010

SHE DOESN'T KNOW THERE ARE ESTABLISHED RULES EXIST OR WHAT THEY ARE OR WHY THEY EXIST THAT'S ASPERGER'S SYNDROME. TRY EMAILING HER IN VERY SIMPLE, NON-SARCASTIC WORDING WHAT YOUR MOST IMPORTANT RULE IS. WHY IS IMPORTANT. WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO SPECIFICALLY TO FOLLOW IT. HOW FOLLOWING IT WILL MAKE HER LIFE BETTER.

Kimberly - posted on 04/23/2010

Hiya. I got a 10 yr old aspie who has found his "big boy sass" as well...lol. I know it can be trying. Can I suggest behavior therapy? This was suggested to us by a previous child physcologist and since having been stationed (we are military too so the constant disruption is a new subject all on it's own...) here in Kansas we sought out a speciality therapist that's area is children with Asperger's and ADHD (we were doubly blessed to find out he has both as well and lives a productive and happy life with children, and even grandchildren so that gives our son another view that he CAN and IS normal... just needs special attention). It has helped tremendously. He goes once a week for an hour to talk about what happened during the week and to be placed on the biofeedback machine teaching him with a visual HOW TO CALM DOWN... It has worked for us. Perhaps it will work for you. We also have learned through our family therapy (which is what it is as Asperger's affects the WHOLE family - we also have an 18 month old daughter) other techniques such as asking in a low calm voice (using their name) "are you okay". It stops him in his tracks and forces his brain to think of something else showing him we are empathyzing with his plight. It has helped. But we are still learning. I hope this helps... and as you can see, you are not alone. God Bless you hun. And keep your head up. With the right attitude and patient training... we will all get through this. I often say he is extra special and put on this earth "different" to teach everyone that we all deserve compassion and understanding in learning that everyone is different and special in their own way. And that we are ALL EQUAL in our inequalities. Good Luck.

Mandy - posted on 04/23/2010

HI I have a 13 yr old daughter with asperger's and she thrives on loads of praise and rewards at the end of the week ... she was very rude and threatening to self harm but has calmed down a lot since I have tried this... they also respond well to routine and repetative reminders of choas etc etc ... once you shout at them then they have won the battle .. If you go onto the parenting asperger's site there is a mini parenting course that you can sit down and read through which gives you a bigger picture of whats happening I have tried this and now understand more about there world and how they feel... let me know how you get on ... mandy

Beth Ann - posted on 04/23/2010

While I don't know your whole situation, I understand what you are going through. My 12yr old son is doing the same thing, he has Aspbergers, High functioning Autism, and ADHD. Is your daughter on medications of any kind? His Doctor had put him on Vyvance, Strattera, Sertraline, and Abilify just to get him through the school day. none of this seemed to help. I have a home behavioral specialist that comes in once a week as well as a school behavioralist that he sees. They seemed to help a little but none of it was getting the results we were looking for. I ended up taking him to a place here in Ohio called Laurelwood where they pulled him off all his medications and started him on Medetate during the day and Seroquel at night. He is doing better but still needs re-direction. However, with the change in medication he seems to respond sooner. One of the things I found seemed to work even before the intervention I had to take was removing all stimuli from his room and change to walls and carpet to a neutral color. Keep the routine the same everyday including on the weekends. I also found that smacking an aspbergers child does absolutely no good especially when they get older. The only thing the child ermembers is that they got hit but they don't understand what or why. It is very frustrating, but try and remember that your daughter is not "being bad" on purpose much of it is that she is frusterated with herself and does not know how to tell you what she is feeling. My son does the same thing and many times once he calms down I can get him to use small words to tell me what is going on. Sometimes it is as simple as being teased by a kid at school to being upset because he didn't get his way. It goes in cycles. Hang in there, as I think of more things that seem to work I will post them. Right now I would tell you to just keep letting her know how much you love her and that you are not mad at her but at the aspbergers. If you focus your anger at the disorder, she will start to do the same and you will find a common ground to direct frusterations at. Hope this helps, even a little. God Bless!

I have a book called kids in the syndrome mix...I love it! It helps with a lot of ideas and I found that many times children who have one disorder also have pieces of others as well.

Eva - posted on 04/23/2010

Hi Laura!
Your daughter has aspergers. Does that mean that you´ve educated yourself about that? Have you ever asked her what´s up, how she experiences things, how she´s feeling?
There are so many things that are different when you have aspergers that is so hard for "not yet diagnosed people" to understand. I know because my daughter also has aspergers. One thing is for sure that the more you try to understand her perseption of the world and implement changes to fit HER the easier time both you and her will get. You can´t change her by stressing or abusing her, you need to help her to find herself and teach her about herself and how the world around her functions. You need to love her for what she is and you have to help her selfconfidence, not forcing her into the box of "normal".
Your daugther is exeptional and you have to learn and speak with her and give her all the respect she deserves. You have to change YOUR behaviour to your daughter if you don´t want her to have a even more hard time.
Be loving and support your daughter. Be on HER side! Be parents!

Eva

Kim - posted on 04/23/2010

Hi Laura,
I have a thirteen year old aspie boy and an eleven year old daughter with global delayed development. I work with autistic kids in a mainstream school. I use a reward base system where good behaviour is highly praised, the bad behaviour is dealt with swiftly and without arguement. It takes two to have an arguement if your child disagrees with you send them off to their room. If you argue over things like cleaning the bedroom/chores then you both will be frustrated and only agitate each other. their has to be some form of incentive to have their room clean. my child has a set level of pocket money which gets reduced when chores are not done. I also believe you need to include your daughter with her younger sibling. It may be as simple as having the whole family watch a movie together in the same room. Your daughter needs to be part of the whole family. Excluding her from activities with the baby will cause resentment and the misbehaviour of attention seeking. Give her some responsibility for helping to look after bubs, maybe reading a book at bedtime with baby sitting on your knee (so you are close enough to supervise both). Tell her how important stories are for babies. It sounds to me she is feeling excluded from the family by the invasion of this baby. I really think this could help.

Katie - posted on 04/22/2010

Victoria, I found the same thing with physical punishment did not work at all. He would get a terrible adrenaline rush and not be able to hear a thing I said and he would just go wild. Hitting was extremely detrimental

Katie - posted on 04/22/2010

I guess because it was posted under the Asperger's section I just assumed.



My son also has an ADHD diagnosis with out Hyperactivity. The paradox is that from age 9-12 he had terrible periods of hyper-arousal at night (often in opposition to bed time) when my sweet boy would turn monsterous. Most people would not believe me when I described the situation because he was gregarious most other times. He was diagnosed once with oppositional defiance - but that didn't really ever make sense. It never fit bipolar description. Finally, doctors said it was "like"post tramatic stress disorder with no existing trauma" - that his body made adrenaline and norapinephrine inappropriately and that his body did not break it down correctly so the effects lasted a lonnnnngggg time. Where as if I have an "fight or flight" rush I take care of the emergency then immediately feel depleted and drained. My son would stay elevated for an hour at a time. The Doctors put him on blood pressure medicine - to control the brain chemical release - but that made him really uncharacteristically depressed and down. Then we tried Ritlin (it was before Concerta) for the ADD and he learned for the first time to monitor his own behavior - that he had a choice how to respond.



Then someone gave me the book Positive Discipline and I learned to pick my battles and not inadvertently support his behavior (little did I know at the time that the Asperger's side of him did not really relate to my being upset at his behavior - but that I was quite entertaining when I got mad- which was rewarding his misbehavior) So when I learned to ignore certain behaviors our days went better and his behavior consequently improved. Now the hard part of it is that adults around you can think it is unexceptable to not address every single behavior infraction. So reading Positive Discipline with spouses and grandparents, etc. is encouraged. By the way, the original Positive Discipline book that I read did not have anything to do with disabilities - but it was still the most helpful thing I had as a parent.



Another big break through that I went through was to start to discern (reading books about ADD and Asperger's really helps with this part) when he was not really connecting. For example, "Fernando, come on we are going to the store now. Will you please turn out the light when you walk to the door?" Fernando walks right by the light switch to the front door.



At first I looked at examples like this as a moral issue. Fernando choose to ignore me. Fernando choose to sassy, provoke, etc. Then I learned that he just did not really connect and hear both parts of the instruction - it was like he heard "store - door." or he really did not understand how to interpret tone (didn't I already say he was never too concerned when I was upset) So I started saying things like (repeating) "Hey, Fernando will you turn out the light!" He would kind of startle too and say - Oh, ya mom." Ha, that was much better than before. Imagine this, "Look young man when I tell you to turn out the light - you had better turn out the light - I do not just talk for the benefit of hearing.....you had better learn to mind....I don't know what gets into you that....yada yada yada." As you an imagine that by the time I finished that speal he would be furious at me because he had little idea what he had done wrong in the first place and he would sass off - then get in trouble for that - then say something worse - and get worse trouble for that - then throw something and refuse to go to the store - then he would really really be in trouble - and it had all started over a light switch that I made into a moral issue rather than recognizing it as the neurological problem that it was.



For improper expression/tone/words. I would learned to say things like "those words sound impolite - or use your pleasant voice please. - or I will answer when you use your regular voice. Ah, things went so much better.



Now I am not saying that I never held my son to a moral code - of course I did, but I learned when and how to address the issues and how to tell the difference from his perception problems and moral choices.



Oh, and I learned to savor and hang on to every pleasant moment and to every time he behaved well for someone else!



Well, all our kids are different and have different strengths and expressions to their disabilities. Just make sure you differentiate between intelligence, neurological wiring and morality because others around you will assess your child based on only intelligence and their idea of right and wrong.



Oh, and one more thing if I offered my son a reward system - he would not do a thing - it did not mater what I offered him. One time it was a dollar a day and I taped the dollars for him to earn to the closet door so he could see them and really understand that they were for him to earn. Three months later - there were the dollar bills still stuck to the door. (It took me awhile to get it - that this common system used on most children was NOT going to work on my son. He had to do it for internal reasons- and Positive Discipline helped me the most in nurturing his internal sense of right and wrong. But, like I said I had to quite jumping down his throat for every little thing for him to take over and gain internal control to make good decisions.



Wish you the best~

Victoria - posted on 04/22/2010

I'll give you my 2 cents as well. I have a high functioning 9 yr old son with Autism. We have found with him that he doesn't understand that it's ok for you to hit me but it's not ok for me to hit you. Like someone else said they live in the world or mirroring, they copy what they see. My son also has a mouth on him and uses it whenever he gets angry or doesn't want to listen. For him he doesn't understand the difference in reality and pretend sometimes. He'll watch bugs bunny on tv and then think it's ok to act like him so we take his cartoons away until he can prove he can act like a little boy and not a cartoon. But most of the time all I have to say excuse me when he says something inappropriate and he will immediatly apologize because he knows he will get in to trouble. I think you need to be consistant with telling her very camly you will not speak to me in that manner go to your room until you can speak to me camly and ignore her until she can speak nicely. ASD live in the world of ME and everything must revolve around them. If you ignore her when she speaks rudely she will hate that worse than any other puishment you can give her. Also if it comes to things like she won't get off the computer count to 5 and if she doesnt get off then make her go to bed 5 minutes earlier then count to 5 again and if she doesnt get off then take away her computer for an hour the next day and just keep going until she listens. IF she ends up losing her computer for a week then thats what happens and you MUST follow through and keep up her punishment because if you give in she knows you will always give in and she will always treat you with disrepsect. Follow through is key with ASD kids. Don't make empty threats and don't make promises you aren't going to keep. I learned that early on and it has worked. Sorry I like run on sentences and hate proper grammer, lol. I hope some of what I had to say helps just remember consistancy is the key. Our kids thrive on it and on a scheduale. If you have to make a home scheduale and a list of rules and post them on the wall as a reminder then do it. Our kids think first and act second most of them time and its having the paitence to deal with that and try to teach them to think first. Best wishes and prayers to all because Im sure we could all use them.

Kim - posted on 04/22/2010

Hi. I am wondering how you knew your daughter had Aspergers? My daughter supposedly has ADHD, but nothing is working, meds, therapy, behavior intervention. She sounds a lot like you've described, and then she turns around and is super sweet. But no amount of punishment or award does any good for the behavior...and I mean all out scary tantrum physical behavior, screaming, mean, etc. Any suggestions?

Michelle - posted on 04/22/2010

Wow - what a fabulous group of comments. I too have a son who has Asperger's ADHD, ODD, LD and gifted. He is 14, gorgeous, loving, courageous, thoughtful, and brilliant. He can also be a total pain, argumentative, devious, etc..... I think there is some great advice here, and I like all the ideas I am seeing. I find patience, although the hardest thing to have at times, and staying calm is the best way to diffuse any situation. We always try to look at what is really driving the behaviour, and try to pull in examples of situations where his approach didn't work in the past. I think it is important for you to get professional help too. I had two nervous breakdowns, but I now know what to do to avoid them, and this is key for you too. Look after yourself, treat yourself to something special, recognize that you are the parent of a very special child, and that guiding this child will be tough - you have to give yourself the rest, and respect you deserve. Your job is ten times harder than parents of kids without these conditions. It always amazed me when people used to look at me like I was a rotten parent because of his behaviour - to them, I say "you have no idea". And if they want to judge, that is their problem. The one thing I would STRONGLY caution all parents of Aspergers kids is to remember that many teachers, and administrators THINK they understand Aspergers. But they don't. If your child is in trouble at school, NEVER let the principal inteview your child without you being there - I learned the hard way. NEVER let them bring in a police liason to caution your child on anything, as the meeting will constitute a formal police warning. I bet you didn't know that either. Also, make sure your child's IEP is up to date, accurate and being followed. You are your child's best advocate, and yes Aspie's see the world in a different way. We have become involved with the law as a result of an interview gone awry, and when all is done I hope to help parents with Aspie kids to understand how lack of social skills/reading cues can affect them, and how they have to make sure they are aware of their child's right to an education. Know your child's rights under the YCJA - Aspie ADHD kids are extremely vulnerable, and very often misunderstood. Good luck, and remember you are not alone.

Katie - posted on 04/22/2010

Well, I can't tell you what to do to change your daughter, but I can suggest the techniques that worked well for my development as a mother. Think about that for a minute - we sometimes get so in the grove of trying to change our children that we do not attend to ourselves. My Aspie son is now 23 years old and we have a good relationship ~ so I hope that gives me some "street cred!". Now, don't get turned off~ I'm going to recommend a book - or rather a theory "Systematic Training for Effective Parenting. (STEP)" The book that help me regain my dignity and effectiveness was "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelson. Many other authors have written books following the STEP theories that were established by Alfred Adler. Investigate! lifematters.com

Rebecca - posted on 04/22/2010

I so agree with what Tanya is saying. Communication and tone is the key to relating and defusing the situation. My son is 11 and was diagnosed with Sensory Intergration Disfunction when he was 2, a symptom of Autism spectrum, but not totally autistic. I have to explain everything to him and how things and words relate to other people and how his actions and words affect them. He is not being mean-spirited, he truly believes he is being helpful in his "honesty" Using a calm tone and having him take breathers and time outs to calm down til he is ready to talk is the key to him being a great kid. Took much, time, energy, patience and wrong moves on our parts to figure this out, but we are all better for it and he is a much loved kid and friend. We have also been very honest when it comes to the class-room. I have spoken to his k-3rd grade classrooms in the beginning of the year to "explain" him and all the kids and friends know that if he is having a rough moment/day they too know what he needs and gives him that safe place and all know it as a "normal" thing and they move on. He has never been made fun of or bullied for it. His classmates and friends accept his moods like they do the change of weather. Being upfront and honest was the only way and best way for us. He simply says....Hey guys, I'm having a bad body day" And they all get it. Good luck and God bless all the parents and care takers of these great kids. It is frustrating, difficult and yet so rewarding and definetly not dull!

Denise - posted on 04/22/2010

Tanya Lackey seems to hit the nail on the head. I am a child and youth worker by education (trained to work with 1-21yr olds with all forms of emotional, behavioural, psychological disorders) and a mother of a child who recieve mild brain damage at birth due to lack of oxygen which not only affects her memory but her self-control, behaviours, temperment, lack of respect, impulses and I'm sure much more. Every child is different and what works for one doesn't work for another. Unfortunately, at times, the family has to conform to the child and not the other way around (like it is in your case). Trying to find out what interests your child could help and feed into it. In our situation, though I don't always recommend it, the use of pharmasuaticals has helped along with a diet focusing on whole grains, fruit, vegetables, lean meats, Omega 3's and Melatonin (something our body produces anyway and is now available in herbal section of stores). I have witnessed great gains when children have gone on elimination diets or been diagnosed with allergies such as: wheat, corn, soy, milk, sugar, nuts and eggs. What has been happening is instead of the child displaying what we would common think of as a reaction through rashes, upset stomaches, sinusitis, unable to breathe; the allergic reaction is emotional, physical aggression, behavioural, ect.

I can't recommend because I am not a Dr. these could be specific things to look into and fight with the Dr.'s if necessary to get done and see if it at least helps. It won't be the complete answer as aspergers is what it is but it 'could' make things a bit more livable and happier for you, your family and your child.

Pray for guidence and wisdom. You are already taking an amazing leep of faith by asking strangers for some advice.

Aimee - posted on 04/22/2010

I have a 9 year old daughter who is an aspie and I know it can be a challenge. However, have you tried printing out the rules and posting them throughout the house? I could talk my child's ear off, but unless she sees some visual cues, it won't make a dent. Also, Aspie children need lots and lots of exercise to deal with the sensory overload issues and I found that when my daughter has ridden her bike, scooter, or bounced on a yoga ball for about 15 minutes, it helps to calm her down and she is much more receptive to what I need to say to her. And try, I know it's hard, not to take what she says personally. It is really the only way she knows how to communicate with you and the fact that she trusts you enough to say those things to you means you are her safe harbor. Hang in there!

Nicole - posted on 04/22/2010

My 5 yo HFA/ADHD daughter does the same! It's starting early! Mommy is mean, I don't "understand" her and favorite saying of late is "you are not the boss of me." She perseverates about how people don't "do what I want."

JUNE - posted on 04/22/2010

I FEEL FOR YOU MY SON IS 10 HE DOES THE SAME THING

Shelley - posted on 04/21/2010

we use the social stories too. I forgot about that. my son also has a reward chart and it can also work.

Katt - posted on 04/21/2010

2 ideas. The first is IMMEDIATE, CONDITIONAL INCENTIVE. You use two types of statements, "If, then" and "When then". Like "If you do ___ You'll get ___". It works especially well in the "When/then" form. When she asks for something, put a condition on it. She asks for ice cream, your response is "When your room is clean, then you get ice cream".

The other tip is to IGNORE UNWANTED BEHAVIOR. Kids lash out for attention. If they don't get the attention; they lash out less. Just be physically close to keep her safe.

From a mother who has a daughter with the same condition!

Gianina - posted on 04/21/2010

You may want to use the Positive Behavior Approach..and social stories. Get a Behavior specialist that could help you out.

Shelley - posted on 04/21/2010

wow a lot of us with the same issues. I would love for the rest of joe public to get this information, then the dirty looks at the supermarket will stop. My son has started yelling at us in public to try to get his own way. He writes lines. I warn him twice because the process takes awhile. Then he gets to write I will not scream at my mom. It keeps him focused on other things and he forgets why he was screaming. I also tell him that yelling at me is not working for him so stop. My husband warned him a lot of times (have to unfortunately) and he got two hard smacks on his bottom. He is 10. He stopped yelling at us, because he did not like that. I am neither for nor against spanking. I believe do whatever works for you and your child. Enough critizing parents who are trying their best. Keep a sense of humor, praying does help and hang in there.

Angela - posted on 04/21/2010

I've had a couple of different thigns that really helped me with my now 9 year old son. The series of videos that Model me Kids puts out are fantastic. Another is abook that put AS into sub-categories and really helped to me to identify my son's challenges better. I don't agree with the whole book - just as many others that I have read - but there is a lot that is very good and it offers suggetions based on what type of AS your child seems to be . Parenting Your Asperger Child by Alan Sohn and Cathy Grayson. I had an incredibly rough patch with my son where both of us would end up crying for a long period of time this book helped and also he is on medication now to help control his outbursts.

Paula - posted on 04/20/2010

My daughter was just as rude at the age of nine until we got her diagnosis when she was 14. What we ended up doing was sending her to group therapy with other kids having the same problem. Our kids, even though they know the rules at the house, are having a time trying to realize that this is inappropriate behavior and are striking back (at least Kay was) at everything because they know that they are different but don't understand why. The group therapy really did the trick because now Kayla thinks more before she acts out and it has been pleasant (even with teenage angst).



Also, yes, SCHEDULES ARE A MUST!. Kayla will tell you that if she is not on schedule, it really upsets her. She doesn't like too much change and is almost obsessive/compulsive about it. Now, being mom, I occasionally change up her schedule (sometimes for amusement sake) just so she has to try to adjust herself, (she needs to learn that for college). Give that a shot and see what helps.

Heather - posted on 04/20/2010

Regarding schedules, I wrote an article on how to set up a schedule for your Aspie kid. Hope no one minds me sharing the link: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article...

Becky - posted on 04/20/2010

Try reading the book, "Freks, Geeks, and Asperger's." It was written by a teen with Aspergers and is fascinating. All of those smart mouthed comments from their perspective.

I wish i knew how to fix this...my son is 9 and an Aspie and beginning this. I don't think it is always intentional, but I've tried telling him what is acceptable and what is not. Behavioral training so to speak. This is the appropriate thing just so you know... and then drilling it it. We did this with manners when he was young and now hes like a robot with the yes, please and no thank you, clearing his dinner dishes.... the new stuff is what you would think is sarcasm but is really just matter of fact. (frankly sometimes I think its funny, but don't tell him that!)
Oh and videotaping DOES work. He saw himself flipping out once on tape and said, I look like that?!? I got him to stop at least that time :)

Jenni - posted on 04/20/2010

My daughter is 9 as well and was never disobedient until recently. The best advice I can give is to make sure she has a schedule and stick to it. If my daughter's schedule is disrupted at all, she freaks out. My girl loves video games and if she gets mouthy the only punishment that works is taking the video games or making her write sentences. The sentence writing definately works. Trust me...she writes until her hand is sore sometimes and doesn't want to do it again. Spanking doesn't work and yelling only makes it worse. Also if I tell her she has really disappointed me...it really gets to her. Good luck to you and I hope it gets better.

Brenda - posted on 04/20/2010

Hi Laura :)
My son was dx pdd-nos at 4, he is now 13 and I had noticed that his behavior was getting worse through the last 2 years. He was test by the school last year and given a mild to moderate asperger/autism rating. I found the machine that produces alkaline water. Since I put my son on this water, his behavior has improved drastically and he is communicating with everyone on a more tuned in level. I am amazed daily at his progress. If you want to know more about this Machine, you can go to http://www.bweiss002.yourbodyiswater.inf... Sign up for the free e-book and newsletter. This was a life changing experience for me and my son. Hope this will help :)
Brenda

Laura - posted on 04/20/2010

We have good routines and rules that have been established for years but she is the one who refuses to add hear to them. We have written a book of all the rules and the consequences so that it was clearly spelt out what is expected of her and why but she just ripped it up.



Maybe i should just give up!

Laura - posted on 04/20/2010

Hi brenda,

Thanks for your comment. I guess the only reason i get so angry with her is because she refuses to listen. Therefore a can not explain anything to her like why certain behavours are anacceptable. I don't want her to grow up into and adult that can't function in the main stream world. I know she is not ententionally being rude but if she were to say the wrong thing to the wrong person she might get a kick in the head or stabbed or who knows what. Boses wouldn't tolerate answering back, being rude she would lose her job. So what do i do? Do i just let her do what ever she wants. We have a 1 yr old and i have had to not let sarah play with her because she does stupid things that are going to end up hurting the baby. But she wont listen to why she shouldn't do it. I am losing patience! If i ignore her then she things she is allowed to do it. Your saying to shout, smack or punish her in anyway! What do you suggest i do.

Jana - posted on 04/20/2010

My daughter (12 yrs old) doesn't have aspergers, but our son (6 yrs old) does... The thing is, I know we can not expect the same behavior out of both children because they are so different... And although I expect our son to be worse, he really is not! He has set routines that have helped regulate his behavior because he knows what to expect... I must say some of the issues you are going through with your daughter are typical at this age and get worse as she gets older... We have been there with ours, and now at 12 she has gotten to the point we are furious... We have resulted to telling her she will go away to a boot camp during the summer, all-girl military boarding school next school year and have taken away her regular clothes and replaced them with school uniforms (and she goes to a public school!!)... So far we have seen improvements and then she takes a huge fall and goes back to the way she was... But staying on top of her and being consistant is the key!

Maggie - posted on 04/20/2010

I'd have to agree with Brenda. They are going to mirror your example. Pertaining to my grandson, his parents (and siblings) shout, curse and throw tantrums, so he follows their lead. When he's in my home, we speak to each other, making eye contact and there's no shouting or cursing, even when we disagree. He's sure of how things run @ grandma's house. Basically, my home and school are very consistent. At home, rules change depending on the mood of his father. Consistency is your key! Apsie children are not wired (if you will) for "rolling with the bunches" or "dealing with ANY change. They REQUIRE routine!

Brenda - posted on 04/20/2010

I'll have to say that it feels a little like she is mirroring your behaviour...You shout at her, hit her, swear at her and call her names...I'm not quiet sure what you would expect in return?!
Children with Aspergers have feelings that are magnified, so everything seems like a huge drama over nothing, but to them it is all consuming, If you are shouting and screaming at her, she will respond like for like.
Finally, your daughter isn't being rude, she is not equipped with the same social skills as you; she craves structure and consistency, so she will say how she feels and react to the production line of techniques you are inflicting. She will not learn the ‘rules’ that she should know by now, because it seems you keep changing the structure or the consequence, she will perceive that as the rules changing.
I think the whole family need counselling for anger management, not just your daughter, I am speaking with some experience,, My son, husband and myself are all on the Autistic spectrum.. Good luck, I really do mean that.

Maggie - posted on 04/20/2010

First of all, Aspie kids are NOT being "rude". That is the definition we "grown" folks give it, but for THEM, it's just matter-of-fact. (i.e. an overweight person = fat, an unattractive person = ugly, an unusual action = weird, etc) They DO NOT mean to be rude or hurtful. They are just stating what is obvious to them! I really think that their view of the world could best be described as "no frills". Just your everyday, run-of-the-mill, plain Jane, basic point of view. Personally, I wish everyone were more like them.
My 11 yr old grandson is an Aspie child. His parents have 4 other children and have chosen (long ago) to raise them as a group. So, the ONLY time he is really "in his element" is when he's @ school or here. We've ALWAYS had a very good relationship. And the common denominator (here and school) is that we're able to celebrate his differences and quirks. When he gets "hyper-stimulated", we allow him to go to a quiet area and cool off, at his pace. When he's home, there are MANY stimulations going on simultaneously, so his "melt-downs or episodes" are both more frequent and more severe! I would recommend that you look into a website I belong to http://parentingaspergers.com/blog and check out the movie Mozart and the Whale. I have received a great deal of insight from both sources.

Connie - posted on 04/20/2010

i'm on the bandwagon. my almost 9 yo son is right here w/ me. he's very argumentative and thinks anytime something happens to him, he needs to blame someone else, or it was on purpose. (ie this am, he came rushing out of his room. i was gathering laundry and place a basket in the hallway to collect it. he tried to go around the basket and scraped his arm on the corner of the wall. then turned around and yelled at me saying he was blaming me). MEH.

i pick my battles with him. somethings i do not let slide at bit but disobedience & disrespect is not one of them. i simply blocked him in the hallway and spoke calmly and said, "you may blame me if you feel need to, but you will do it RESPECTFULLY!" then i made him take a deep breath and tell me again how he felt in a respectful tone & manner. i too, ground him from the computer, his favorite toys, playing with friends, tv, etc. we usually start with a day and work our way up. one of the most effective methods i have found that works for us, is if he throws a tantrum for being grounded for a day, i'll add another day to it. sometimes that's enough to make him take his breath and realize that his behaviors are costing him. Sometimes not and we end up with a wks grounding from almost everything. Sounds harsh i know, but his therapist suggested this b/c i have to reinforce that I'm the parent and in control. the other thing is, he's allowed to yell and scream if he wants to, HOWEVER, he has to do it in his room with his door closed. he may not say ugly vulgar things as that will lead to grounding and he may not throw things or tear things up, as that will lead to punishment. it's so frustrating for me sometimes, i just want to escape. but when he's good, he's golden. i hope your "golden" days come closer and closer together soon!

~connie

Karyn - posted on 04/20/2010

I hear you loud and clear. I have five children, two of whom have Aspergers. They're 12 and 16, and they are at war with the entire world on a daily basis. They both pre-empt being blamed for anything by declaring loudly 'I DIDN"T FKN DO IT" when the slightest thing is mentioned - usually nobody specific is in the firing line at the time. Both are very intelligent (in different areas from eachother) but by the time I go to bed at night I am worn, wasted and out of positivity. Nothing I do seems to work - I'm a teacher by training, am well read, have researched till the proverbial cows come home, put all kinds of strategies into place.... and I'm in the same boat as you. If nothing else... you're not alone.

K

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