My husband is too scared to have another child.

[deleted account] ( 18 moms have responded )

My husband is too scared to have another child. I am concerned of course but I think it would be worth it. I don't know how to resolve this. It's been up in the air for some time. Our child is doing well considering and we are optimistic about his future. I wish he had a sibling. I really don't know how to decide.

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Laura - posted on 10/13/2011

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If this helps you any my oldest son ( 13 now ) is Asperger's -high functioning. I ALSO have a NORMAL 10 yr old son, NORMAL 8 yr old son, & a NORMAL 6 yr old daughter. They all get along together besides the regular sibling rivalry. : ) It was not something we even considered when we had our other 3 children. The odds are so far out there !! I was 32 when my first child was born. The other children are not considered future caretakers for our oldest son. He will have a place with us if HE chooses in the future but that will be up to him. By the way - ALL his extensive blood tests including genetic came back perfect - he could marry & have a family if he chooses.

Frances - posted on 10/18/2011

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My brother is severely autistic. My mom had another boy after him and he is completely normal. I hope this gives you hope.

Stacey - posted on 10/14/2011

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I think there are positive and negative for both sides of the argument. I think that as long as you are being realistic and know that you have a higher risk than that of someone who doesn't have a child with a disorder and you can handle and plan for 2 children who will need help for the rest of their lives then go for it, every child is a blessing! If you have concerns then consider adoption? There are alot of kids who need a mom and dad and you seem to have a passion for raising little angels. Either way, I'm sure you'll make the right decision. Its responsible even asking the question. Good luck!

Fiona - posted on 10/12/2011

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Both my boys are ASD and I have to say that in a lot of ways it is a blessing. The positives of having two ASD kids are:
1) they like the same things - thomas, trains, lego and will play with it for hours on end. They understand each other's games and although we still have the sibling rivalry and who gets to make the rules, they work this out at the beginning and get along really well.
2) Neither has a problem with a completely structured day. It makes it easy on you especially if you're having a hard day as they know what is meant to happen and will go and do it without being asked. (Chores, Baths etc)
3) It makes life easier for me as I can handle them pretty much the same
4) They get each other's jokes. They are now 12 and 8 and I regularly hear them giggling with each other about one joke or another which has to be explained to me should I be silly enough to ask.

Don't get me wrong, it's not easy and there are challenging days. But there are more good days than bad and the younger one will learn quicker because they watch the older one.
Hope this helps.

Melanie - posted on 10/12/2011

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Our son, now 8, was 2 when he was diagnosed with classical autism. He is an only child, for two distinct reasons.
1. With all the other genetic things (ADHD, learning disabilities, mental illness, alcoholism, heart conditions, I'm aspie-ish, etc.) in both our families, hubby and I decided not to have any more children. Our repeat autism risk is high, and we're not young parents anyway, which is another risk factor. We just didn't feel up to the task of more baby-autism-chaos, and I was honestly frightened that my son would hurt me enough to harm the pregnancy, as he was very aggressive at the time. Plus, we had infertility issues.
2. We were ethically queasy about choosing to have a child who, if typical, would be stuck being a caretaker for his/her older sibling without any choice in the matter.

We made the initial decision, and a year later when I knew I didn't have any 'baby-lust', I got my tubes tied. I know this isn't everyone's decision, but it was definitely the right one for our family's needs.

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Lisa - posted on 10/24/2011

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There have been many advantages to having another child to help my ASD kiddo. My NT son is older, so that makes a difference, but it would still be good for the child you have now & for you! As far as the chances of #2 having autism, why not get a percentage from your doctor? That may help if you husband sees that #2 is more likely to be NT. (I think!)

Jaymi - posted on 10/23/2011

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I can understand your husbands' fear, but I can also understand your heart. We have four children, including one severely autistic son. We did have a baby after him that is neurotypical. It was a little scary, but he is fine. Have you all considered adopting if you are afraid to have another biological child? There are organizations that help cover costs to adopt.

User - posted on 10/23/2011

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Hi Pine Apple,

I have been away from the site for a while, but I remember you posting about a second child a while ago...

My advice at the time was to ask yourself, is there someone missing from your table when you sit down for dinner. For me, that is still the question.

The greater question, though, is if your husband's fear is that pronounced then are you going to be okay to not have another child. If you can honestly look at the child you have, look at your husband, and accept that your family is complete...and accept without blame or anger....then that is where you are. It is okay to be sad, and to even mourn what you thought you were going to have....but ultimately, you need to know if you are able to let go of having another child and be okay with your husband. He needs to know if the desire for a second child is something you NEED to feel complete.

No one is guaranteed a healthy child. The only guarantee we have is that when we welcome a child into our lives, we open ourselves up to the greatest joy and the greatest heartbreak known....

I wish you and your family well.

Sheila

Christine - posted on 10/22/2011

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I would definitely have at least one more. I have four children myself and two are on the specturm but the last one a girl is not and I am soo glad my husband talked me into having just one more.

Christina - posted on 10/22/2011

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You only have a 3% chance of having a second child born with autism. However, once you have two autistic children, the percentage that you will give birth to another one goes up to 37% I believe.
I have four biological children. Two have autism, two are neurotypical.
I do not regret having more children after having my autistic child. I had two more babies after her. It is a hard road, but worth it. Even if you have another child with autism, think about it this way; there will be another person in your son's life who can understand exactly what he is feeling.
I have overheard my autistic 9yr old go up to her 6yr old brother and tell him, "It's okay Ryker. I understand. You will be okay, just like me." It was the sweetest thing I have ever witnessed in my life.

[deleted account]

Emma. That sounds very familiar. My husband became worse about it after the new asd recurrence study came out in August.

[deleted account]

Laura, thank you for that. It also makes me feel better about age. Because that was another factor they threw in there that made me worry.

Donna - posted on 10/17/2011

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I fear for all our children, having to grow up in a country that
is in such a dismal state. Without the help of the Lord, our children have no future. Our son and daughter-in-law have
a three year old and financially our son says they cannot afford another child. Kudos to him for being so concerned and responsibly.

Emma - posted on 10/17/2011

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i am in the exact same situation. My three year old son is autistic and for a while now i have been wanting to have another child. i have researched all the pros and cons and the precentage rates and everything and after alot of thought i decided that i wanted to take the risk and have another one, i also think another child in the house would benefit my son quite alot. but my partner is to scared to have another one incase the same happens again! ive tried to speak to him about it but he says he does not know if he could cope with 2 autistic children. My son has recently started nursery school and my partner says once hes about 5 or 6 and we know how hes getting on we could then see about having another child but i know its just his way of putting it off. so i know exactly how you feel but sadly i dont have the answers! if i did i would share them! take care! emma

Susan - posted on 10/11/2011

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I know how you feel. After my son I didnt want anymore kids, I just didnt know if I could handel more than one spectrem child. Then one day suprize! we found out we would be having a second child. My daughter was born heathy in every way. Now 4 years later a 3rd child on the way. I think about the odds of another autistic child but have learned that the kids bring so much to my life it is well worth the risk. I also belive everything happens for a reason and we will never be given more than we can take. Keep talking to your husband onechild with problems dose not meen they will all be born that way. Best of luck!

Cassandra - posted on 10/11/2011

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My husband is the same way, my son was born with Acid Reflux and Colic and was a really hard baby. So he doesn't want the chance of that happening again. But i talked him into it. If I can do it so can you! :)

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