New here, looking for advice

Carrie - posted on 01/14/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hi, my name is Carrie, I live in England, I'm 29 and I am hoping to meet moms in a similar situation to me. I have a 10 year old son who's needs have been very demanding since he was first born. He constantly screamed as a baby, and as he got to toddler years he would smash things up in a temper, attack his older brother (22 months older than him) pull furniture apart etc. I know these things can sound crazy when you think of a toddler causing such chaos, people probably wonder why I didn't stop him or give him time out but I tried and he was so physically aggressive and strong that it was difficult to do anything with him. He started nursery just before he turned 3 and I was soon being called in because he was smashing everything up in the classroom, it was so bad that they were having to take the other children out of the room. since then we have been in touch with health visitors, psychologists, psychiatrists, paediatric care, educational support, behaviour support teams and 7 years on we are still struggling. He has physically harmed people and us too. It was suggested that maybe he was on the autistic spectrum in 2007 but after the assessment they came to the conclusion he wasn't, however 18 months ago he was re-referred for another assessment but we are still waiting to be seen.



Obviously as he gets older, he's getting bigger and stronger. I am very worried for his future. He can be loving and kind but he has a very different side too. He can also have times where he looks like he's not really aware of what's going on around him, like he's in a world if his own. Academically he is very able, not always willing to learn but does have the ability too. His IQ was done a few years back and it was above average for his age. He was put on risperidone about 3 years ago, he then started refusing to take it for a while but went back on it a few months a go. His behaviour is starting to get worse again and I guess I just want some support and advice from other parents who may understand this. It's hard because he has no diagnosis so we don't really know what we're dealing with. One thing I do know is that he can't carry on like this. Please, any advice you have I would be truly grateful.



Thank you in advance.



Carrie (England)

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Carrie - posted on 01/18/2012

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Thanks for your reply Bec, yes we have tried very hard to seek help but it feels like we're getting nowhere. We have been seeing many professionals ( psychologist, psychiatrist, specialist health visitors, paediatrician, behaviour support the list goes on!) but 7 years on and we still have no diagnosis. We have had specialists visit us at home and do reports, but they all come to the same conclusion in that we are a stable, caring family but our son has very complex needs. To be honest if they told me it was down to our parenting or the way we live or something at least we would be able to do something about it but we have always had very positive feedback on that side. Is there an England part on here? I haven't come across it if there is.

Bec - posted on 01/17/2012

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i have heard in england that they have schools for kids with disabilites and alot of support for kids with in special schools with autisum or spectrum diag. maybe go there for direction even to find a propper pshic or doctor to give you the propper diag to get the propper suports for your son to me it sounds you and your son have tryed but someone in the medical field have let you down and not been supportive. when you find a a propper doc. stick with it so they can form a pattern of behaviours and link them up to former doc notes but only if you feel that wont cause prgidace as you really want for someone to have a propper look at your family situation and give a true diag to open up doors for help. find that door you will have a new kid. maybe with the correct diag and meds he will flourash. I went through shit with the medical field till that door openned for us and my son went from being expelled in kinder and trouble at home to being balanced and teachers telling me what a delight he is. I woukld be bashing on doors to get a proper doc to diag. get that your lives will change. I have no information for england maybe make that your next thread zone in on parents that live in england to give direction??

Carrie - posted on 01/15/2012

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Hi Lareina,



Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, and I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with your son too, although it is reassuring to know I'm not on my own, I hope that maybe I can be of some support to you along the way too.



I couldn't imagine where we were going to be back when my son was 5, it is so up & down that I just prepare myself for whatever happens. It really is incredible the strength that children can have isn't it. I hope it may reassure you to know that whilst my son is still struggling with things, he has made some major improvements. They haven't happened easily it has taken a lot of time and persistence from us and to get him the right support at school but he really has made some great improvements, and I hope your son will too. I think being able to get strong support in school is important, we are lucky in that we now have a good team working with our son. He has 2 support teachers and they work closely with us to keep us updated on how things are and if we can help with ideas or advice they do listen.



When my son was 5 he wasn't aloud to be in school full time as they couldn't cope with him. He only attended mornings and they wouldn't even let him stay for lunch. Some mornings I wouldn't even be able to get to the end of the school road before the school would phone me to go and collect him, so some days he was home by 10am. He has hurt so many people from doctors to strangers, teachers and us and I understand how upsetting and hard this is.



My son has had his hearing tested (but thank you for the suggestion) they tested his hearing early on and also he had a speech and language assessment but all was fine. His speech and language assessment picked up a lot on him not having the understanding of social situations that he should have and he still lacks a lot in that area. Yes he can talk, his speech started quite early but he lacks the understanding of expressions, and situations, he can take some things very literally. Does your son talk? How long has he had his diagnosis?



Your message has helped, it helps just to know that people will take the time to send some words of encouragement. Thank you Lareina.

Lareina - posted on 01/14/2012

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Hi Carrie,



I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely child, I can just imaging what you are going through, I have a son with autism and at times he could be aggressive and would at time have his tantrums, he could be violent toward himself and others, including me. He does things that a normal child wouldn't do. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of work to raise a challenging child like him. I understand what you are going through, when you are in situations with your child, not understanding what may have been bothering him, and the frustrations he may have gone through with no one understanding what he needs or wants, they may not understand how he feels. I don't know if my son would be like yours when he gets older, he is only five years old now, and he at times concerns me when he started to hurt himself and others around him. He has incredible strength at times, believe me, I know what you are going through. Maybe the child is feeling depress, angry. Maybe you should take your child to see if he had a hearing lost. I read on a www.drpaul.com and he told someone who had similar situation like you, that a hearing loss caused his patient to become aggressive due to ear pains, because of fluids in the ear. Try having your child to use words to substitute the physical aggression towards someone, have a no hitting rule. I have no idea what else it could be, maybe bipolar ? I don't know, this is the best advice I could give. I hope my advice help somehow. Be strong and never give up, keep loving your son. Do your son talks ? Maybe, he is frustrated by not being able to express himself. My name is Lareina

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