Problems with sad 22 year old son

Jenna - posted on 11/05/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My son seems to be sad all the time. I think he has very mild autism, clenches his fists sometimes, walks on the tips of his toes, above average academically but has very little social skills and very awkward.

He has been complaining to me for years about how he can't get a girlfriend, but has little to no friends (male or female). He goes on and on about how girls are racist (we are pakistani-american). I'm tired of listening to this. He calls himself a "kissless virgin" also sometimes "beta", and is jealous of boys who are "alpha" and get girls.

He went to a prestigious university math program at 18, dropped out pretty quick because a girlfriend didn't magically appear. Tells me he is only interested in preppy white girls who are also academically smart, but has never made an effort to actually date one. He says, "Why would I try, they'll just reject me because I'm brown/ugly."

So I got him into a prestigious federal (US) military academy which is 80-90% men to minimize the distractions. And he made it through the freshman and sophomore year, and is now continuing with his anger about this issue. What can I do to make it stop?

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Anne - posted on 11/10/2016

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I am so glad you felt the freedom to unload this heavy burden you carry. I am a mom too, and watching your children experience inferiority, rejection, jealousy, and low self-esteem can be very heart-breaking as a parent. My very first thought is to take him to a qualified specialist who can evaluate his behavior and give him a proper diagnosis. That will at least point you in the right direction as far as seeking out treatment; physically and emotionally. Once you have that information, you can begin to weigh out your options for integrating him into social settings that will encourage him as an individual. Right now he needs to see himself as a valuable person with gifts, strengths, talents, and potential.

Right now he can't help but compare himself to others, which robs him of his own personal value. He only sees what others have and uses that as a measuring gage to determine his own self worth. That is a tragedy many young people his age fall into, because the influence of success in others is a glaring reminder of what they lack themselves.

I would like to recommend you begin a journey to help your son to see himself the way God made him. Did you know that your son was born with certain tendencies that are there to be his strengths and not his weakness? God instilled those gifts into your son the moment he was conceived and your son will display those tendencies throughout his lifetime, possibly without even being aware of it.

Let me give you an example. I was born with a very introverted personality and was inferior most of my life. It is called a meloncholy personality. (very sensitive, needs loyalty, is faithful, likes things somewhat predictable, stays deep in thought alot, etc.) I too saw what other people had and all it did was magnify what I didn't have. I saw what other families did together, and because my family was so broken, I was sad all the time and began to hold that against my family. I wanted to be happy but didn't have a clue in the world how to be happy. My depression became severe during my young adult life, and I began to lose all hope that I would ever be a "somebody". During that time, I became a Christian, and for the first time, realized I had been using the wrong measuring stick to dtermine my worth. I always saw what I wasn't, instead of seeing who I could become.

I began to develop my interests and hobbies, and discovered I was good at certain things! This was liberating for me and I began to like myself. I went to art school, and got deeply involved with giving to the community. Giving to the community took the attention off myself and on to other people. I was beginning to use a different measuring stick to define my worth. I was able to use my sensitivity for good instead of letting it destroy me.

I would like to encourage you to help your son discover his capablities, his hobbies, his interests, and when he notices that he can impact those around him, he will begin to value himself.

Once your son recognizes his value, it will flow out of his life naturally and effortlessly. He won't need a girl to decide his value, because he will already know his value. See if you can get him involved in community classes for fun, or sports activities, or volunteer work, or whatever you think will help shift his attention onto his strengths. He can't see his strengths now and has convinced himself he doesn't have any. But that is a lie. God equips every human being with talents and gifts to be used in this world.

Let's pray together about this; Father in heaven, you can see the situation I am in right now, and I cannot change my son in my own strength. I don't know how. But you made my son and you love him beyond what any words can describe, so I ask you right now to intervene for me, and show me how I can encourage my son to become the person you created him to be. Please put some ideas into my mind that will help steer him towards recognizing his worth; to You and to himself. I need you now God, and I place my trust in your loving care towards my son. Amen

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