WHAT 2 DO WHEN SON DROWNS WHILE IN RESPITE???

Tarsha - posted on 02/19/2010 ( 30 moms have responded )

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My 11 year old autistic son was in respite had escaped and found face down in a creek less than a km up the road. How are you meant to deal with such a HUGE loss??????

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Marge - posted on 02/25/2010

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Well, I can't imagine what it feels like to loose a child but maybe your loss will help others? FIGHT for it never to happen again, focus on raising awareness so your loss will not have been unnoticed. No other parent should have to go through this! Respite needs to have one to one supervision for all children so that this will never happen again! Let your sorrow be your guide to focus on the positive. Take care!

Hope - posted on 02/24/2010

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You need to take it each day at a time. First of all don't blame yourself. As mothers it is hard not to. I am really sorry for your loss. Take care

Joann - posted on 02/23/2010

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Sorry for your loss my thought and prayers are with you. My best advice would be to Fully realy on god as hard as it might be right now but that would be the best thing.

Stephany - posted on 02/22/2010

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I am so entirely sorry for your loss. As mothers of special needs kids, we all take every possible precaution when it comes to the safety of our children. We do everything we can to surround them with a safe, loving environment, and I can't even imagine the betrayal you must be feeling right now that the respite center let you and your son down. I know you said that they haven't even apologized yet, and that is unforgivable. They are compounding an already tenuous situation.
I think the idea of a living memorial to your son is wonderful. Find a therapeutic way to remember his spirit, and to allow others to join you in this difficult time. Now is the time to accept help and kind words- they will get you through. I hope I never experience what you are now dealing with, and I pray that you are somehow able to find peace.
You are in New Zealand, I assume? I'm not sure what the laws are there, but here in the U.S. you would have a major lawsuit. I know other moms have suggested that some good can come from this, that laws can be changed and/or enacted to prevent this from happening again, etc. I fully agree, and sometimes the best way to start such a campaign is in the courtroom.
Best wishes, and you are in my prayers.

Sheila - posted on 02/22/2010

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Tarsha, I want you to know that I posted Julian's story to my facebook through the link you posted.



I hope you receive justice for your son. Since you are in New Zealand, I am wondering if you have something similar to Canada where there is a Coronor's Inquest (I wonder because I believe we both take a lot from the British Parliamentary system)...or a public inquirey. You can lobby for this, and it would help to get information. Any evidence given during a public inquirey is given without thought to prosecution...it is meant to reveal the truth. Perhaps this will begin the changes necessary to keep other children safe.



My prayers are with you.



Sheila

Vicky - posted on 02/22/2010

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I am so sorry, i wish i had the answer to help you. I will pray for you. I am truly sorry for your loss.

Suzanne - posted on 02/22/2010

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I know these word will offer little comfort at such a devastating time but I am truely sorry for your loss. Dealing with something as earth shattering as this can only be done on a 1 day at a time thought and with the help of family and friends who can feel some of your grief and pain. I sincerely hope you will 1 day find some peace in these exeptionally tradgic day ahead. With love from 1 mum to another xx

Tarsha - posted on 02/22/2010

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If people are wanting to read the article on Julian it is in the New Zealand Herald. Here is the link to put into your browser. www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10625691. He was in care and 10 mins before I had arrived to pick him up he had disappeared. We had all searched for him for around 45mins then the police had found him face down in the creek. There were alot of safety problems with the house from staff not watching the kids properly, gates that don't self lock and then having 3 gates that lead out out the house from the backyard. Two staff members where doing handover while one was left to watch Julian. They still have not said sorry it is our fault.

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If that happened to my child, I would have to keep my mind busy on positive things. I would spend every waking moment trying to help fix whatever system broke down that let this happen. You may possibly change laws to help save hundreds of lives. I dont know all the details, but that is NOT supposed to happen. I am so very, very sorry for your loss and the anger you must be feeling. Please reach out for support. Take Care

Kellie - posted on 02/22/2010

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I am so sorry.I think that you can only take it one day at a time and to remember that your son will never be gone from you,because it is our memories and love that keep them with us.My thoughts are with you.

Tracie - posted on 02/22/2010

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Tarsha, sorry i dont have the words for you look to your higher power for answers, your God loves you and is holding your hand.

Again sorry i can not say anything will make you feel better.

Just a Mom, Tracue

Hugs to you and your family

Tarsha - posted on 02/21/2010

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THANK YOU all so much for the encouraging words that you have all expressed. We are slowly dealing with things day by day. All we can do now is get justice for him. The respite house is not giving us proper answers all they can do is try and blame someone else for what has happened to our little angel. He will always be around helping us get through day by day. I have set up a group on Facebook called Justice for Julian Stacey, please help us in our fight to try and get some justice for our little man.

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First let me say I am so sorry for your loss.....I would take comfort in the fact that he is in a better place.. He no longer is suffering, but at peace.......My heart & prayers go out to you and your family.....

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Tarsha I am so very sorry for your loss. There is nothing I could tell you to ease your pain except that other parents who have lost a child are your best source of support. Is there a grief/loss group in your local area?

Kristina - posted on 02/21/2010

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My heartaches for you! I cant imagine what you are going thru and pray for you and your family, that you can find peace over time. Please remember though a lot of us fear this with our children, we dont fully know the pain of when it happens....but we are here for you....please remember that and reach out if are needing to talk....our words and prayers will hold you up when you feel you cant stand on your own! Remember Julian is smiling down on you everyday, has the mose beautiful wings and is not alone....you will see him again....he will tell you then how you are the best mother he could of ever had!! Much Love, Hugs and Prayers sent to you and your family during this hard time.

Peggy - posted on 02/21/2010

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Words can't express how sorry I am for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, that the Lord will send his divine peace upon you, guide you through this difficult time, and lead you to people who can help you process your grief.

Camie - posted on 02/20/2010

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I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine such a tragedy. I would really encourage you to reach out and join a support group. It won't take away the hurt, but it will help you cope with this terrible loss.

JUNE - posted on 02/20/2010

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HELLO MY NAME IS JUNE AND YOUR LOSS IS MY LOSS,IAM SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SON,MY HEART ACHES FOR YOU.I LOST A TEN YEAR OLD GRANDSON NAMED JAMES SUDDENLY AND SO FAST EVEN AFTER NEARLY THREE YEARS THIS JUNE 18,IAM DEVESTATED.ALL I CAN SAY IS IAM HERE FOR YOU,AND ITS BEEN THE LORD JESUS WHO HAS HELPED ME DAILY OR I COULDNT HAVE GONE ON.MY I REFER YOU TO A WONDERFUL WEB SITE THAT HAS HELPED ME SO MUCH? ITS CALLED "BROKEN HEARTS AND HEALING HOPE" CAROL RENNIE SHE LOST TWO SONS.WE ARE A GROUP OF FAMILIES AND WE ARE BONDED IN OUR LOSS AS MOTHERS GRANDMOTHERS AND ALL FAMILY MEMBERS,IT HURTS AND WILL HURT FOREVER.I NOT ONLY LOST MY GRANDSON BUT HIS MOMMA HAS NEVER BEEN THE SAME HE WAS HER FIRST BORN SON.I CRY ALOT.I CAN TELL YOU THIS DEAR,ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW SPECIAL YOUR SON WAS AND IS AND ALWAYS SHARE HIS LIFE WITH OTHERS TO KEEP HIS MEMORY ALIVE,THIS HAS HELPED ME WITH OUR BELOVED JAMES.AND TO THINK HE WAS WHERE HE WAS AND SUPPOSED TO BE BEGING WATCHED.IAM SO SORRY PLEASE EMAIL ME ANY TIME IAM HER OK.MY OTHER EMAIL IS godlygranny@yahoo.com (In CHRISTS JESUS JUNE-godlygranny)GRANDMOTHER OF JAMES BENTON AREY III

Michelle - posted on 02/20/2010

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My heart is breaking for you. You will be in my prayers. My son is 10 autistic and has respite care, He has 2 respite workers each time, cause he is so active. but i will definetly be reminding them to watch him at all times !!

Becky - posted on 02/20/2010

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I just wanted to say, that my heart is breaking for you. What a terrible tradgedy. If you feel you need more support - send me a message, I'd be happy to offer you support during this difficult time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Keri - posted on 02/20/2010

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There are no words to offer you during this horrific time. I urge you to call your local Hospice Agency, they provide Bereavement Services to the local community free of charge and can help you begin your healing. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

Amanda - posted on 02/20/2010

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Tarsha, I can't even begin to imagine how much you must be hurting right now. Stay close to the people you love, friends and family, talk and talk to them, let them hug you and hold you and take care of you for as long as it takes.

And please let us know how you're doing.

With love,

Amanda

Sheila - posted on 02/20/2010

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Hello Tarsha,

My sincere sympathy to you and your family. My heart breaks for you.

I honestly don't think we are meant to deal with the loss of our children. It is a not supposed to happen this way.

I think if you are up to counselling, go. It doesn't have to be formal...maybe there is a support group in your area. Or talk with your pastor, or family doctor. Don't keep it inside.

I think when you have a loss like your son, you just need to get through the day, or maybe even the minute. Just try to move forward and honour his life. Celebrate the child you had, and create a living memorial for him...like a walk in his honour every year on his birthday.

Your son's life touched many people and by sharing his story, he will continue to touch many more.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sheila

Tammy - posted on 02/20/2010

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i am so sorry for your loss. I cant imagine what your going through. my thoughts are with u and ur family...

Heidi - posted on 02/19/2010

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I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing that can be done to bring back your child and for that I am truly sorry. Maybe, and Im sure this is hard to see right now, your loss will help save the life of another child and prevent another parent from going through the same devastation as you and your family are. Maybe there can be some kind of good and laws can be changed or fixed to ensure that another child isnt lost to ineffectual care.
I hope that you are able to receive some form of counseling for this, as I know if this was my child I would be devastated and need some support. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Samantha - posted on 02/19/2010

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I am so sorry for your loss. I really don't know how to possilbly begin to cope with the loss of a child. Family counseling is my only thought.

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