Is there a way to unspoil a baby?

Casey - posted on 01/20/2010 ( 29 moms have responded )

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My baby always wants to be carried or she will start crying til she gets picked up or she will cry herself to sleep. I was to told to let her cry to unspoil her??

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Crystal - posted on 02/28/2013

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my daughter is 5months old and i held her alot from the time she was born, now she cries ALL the time. She will spend about 10nminutes in her swing or bouncer before she starts crying. its a bit much for me. What should i do because it does drive me crazy sometimes?

Courtney - posted on 05/31/2013

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hi i have a 4 year old that crys when i leave his sight he crys for no reason and i dont knpw how to stop him from cryin about every little thing can anyone plz help me he crys when i dont holf him or when i go takr a beth or use tha bathroom about everything he crys about

Jessica - posted on 09/16/2012

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Hi I agree 100 percent I have 2 children and with my first she would cry and cry and i would of course being a mother rush to all her needs but it got to the point where it was so bad at 6 months she wouldnt try to branch out and start crawling she didnt want to do anything independently even with me right by her egging her on and sadly as a mother wanting to tend to her every need i let this go on i spoiled her to the point she would want attention she wouldnt sleep threw the night and this is at 6 months of age she would scream bloody murder inless i came in there with her everynight and i keep doing it. When she was one she still refused to crawl let alone walk and her Dr pulled me asaid kindly and said she understood that i love my daughter and want to do everything for her but that i was spoiling her and that i wasnt helping her by doing this. At first i thought she should shove it and that was hard to come to terms with but i noticed she was right it was actually starting to get in the way of her developing and i keept ignoring it thinking i was doing her best but really looking back i realize i wasnt at all i wasnt helping her cope with the reality of life which is to be a little one year old to explore crawl around even sleep one night threw the night and lets face it, i made it really hard on myself as well and it didnt have to be. With my 2nd child which came 2 years later i did everything different I obviously cared to my childs needs but realized that i cant come to every cry esp the ones that were just for attention you spend all day feeding a baby so dont ever think like i did that you arnt spending time with your baby if your ignore one cry. A baby needs to learn how to self soothe and sleep on its own and to feel comfortable not on ur hip a baby need to learn how to branch out and crawl and be independent lets face it as much as us moms want to always be there in life there is going to be plently of times we arnt going to be there. Something might happen at school or with a family member and you wont be there a baby needs to be used to a little space and his or her self because if a baby can calm him or herself down the baby will be a lot happyer in the end. My 2nd child was so much easyer she sleept threw the night at 3 months i wouldnt pick her up at night inless i had to i would place her in her crib let her cry for 5 min check on her see if she was fine than another 5 minn same thing she eventually would stop crying and fall asleep and after a few days of that wala she didnt need me anymore she fell right asleep. I also would let her stay on the floor and when she wanted to be picked up i didnt pick her up. Of course it wasnt easy at first she got upset but after a while she got used to it and there was no longer any problems unlike my first by the time i realized what i had done it was a lot harder to break the habbits than it would of been if i started to break them earlyer.

Nicole - posted on 01/22/2010

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You can't spoil a baby less than 3 months old, they aren't capable of manipulating you or long term learning yet. She is just a baby who needs to feel secure, try wearing her in a sling or carrier during the day. If you think about it she was cradled inside you for 9 months and she still doesn't understand that she is a separate person from you yet. Just be patient.

Jessica - posted on 01/22/2010

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Hi, this is, word-for-word, what my peadiatrician printed out for me when i had this exact Q.

You cant spoil a baby period. Until they are old enough for you to explain things to them, and for them to understand you, they CANNOT be spoiled, dont be told otherwise. Your baby cannot understand that when u put her down you arent leaving her forever. you are her world and if your world walked away from you how would you feel? the only way for her to learn that you are NOT leaving her forever, is by coming back, over and over if necessary.in time she'll learn "hey, everytime i cry mum comes back to me.. i must be pretty special, so i dont need to cry now, i know im loved." this builds her self esteem and confidence, meaning she needs to be cuddled and held LESS, as opposed to the commonly thought "hey, everytime i cry mum comes back, ill keep right on crying just for attention," babies do NOT know what attention is,they know affection, two very different things.letting them "cry it out" only makes them feel vulnerable, alone and to begin losing trust in you. Why would u come when she cries in hunger and not when shes lonely or frightened? arent they equally important for babies development. it is hard, but cherish the fact your baby likes to be cuddled, because she WILL grow out of it one day, and you at least want the memories!

i hope this helped! i just go back to her and talk in a soothing voice nd rock her bassinet, if that doesnt work i pick her up only until shes calm again then put her back. now i have no problems! good luck

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Amanda - posted on 01/25/2014

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I need help with my 7 month old daughter. I get zero help.with her. Everyone keeps.telling me I spoil hrr.she is at point where she wont sleep in her bed anymorr what can I do?please help

Tine - posted on 12/15/2011

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That's a terrible bit of advice, although one that is heard too commonly.

Carrying your baby isn't spoiling her, it's natural, and it's really important for their social, physical and emotional development to be carried and be helped to sleep. Using a soft carrier like an Ergo, a ring sling or a Baby K'tan makes carrying them easier and more enjoyable and lets them nap in there while you go about your business. I( find the Ergo the best, I used it with my daughter until she was 2, and have my 5 week old son in a K'tan.

Leaving babies to cry to sleep results in them being extremely distressed, as they are genuinely frightened (think what would happen to a baby left alone that way in the past, our ancestor's babies would have been eaten by wolves, so they have a point!).

It's deep in babies psyches to cry to get mum to protect you if you've been left alone, and leaving babies to cry to sleep causes massive amounts of stress hormones like cortisol to actually physically change their brains and not in a good way!

Please read 'The Science of Parenting' by Margot Sunderland (an easy and excellent read) or anything by Dr Sears, Pinky McKay or 'The no-Cry Sleep Solution' for kind help with parenting and sleep.

Kinda - posted on 12/11/2011

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Ive been told the same thing i have my 2month old son and he always wants to be held Ive tried the letting them cryit out thing but i feel bad and pick him upafter 2 mins. what is the longest amount of timeyou should let a babycry for?

Aniesha - posted on 12/10/2011

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Keep carrying her & cuddling her, it's obviously what she's needing. She'll grow out of it in time. Every baby is different. If your affection is what she's craving, I wouldn't deny her. I don't think it's possible for a baby to be spoiled, they just want to be loved:)

Helene - posted on 12/10/2011

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try a sling or carrier babies are meant to be held and comforted all they know is you and the more secure you make them by meeting their need the quicker they will be to try and explore by themselves. both my babies are attachment parenting babes and i always get comments on how happy well adjusted and confident they are (my little dare devils lol!)

Emily - posted on 02/02/2010

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Who cares if you do spoil your baby?! I rather spoil them than have them learn that I won't cuddle them when they need me!

Brittney - posted on 02/01/2010

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The reason why she wants to be held by you is because she is use to your smell and if you are breastfeeding you have the smell of milk. Babies are use to being in a tight area and that is why they like to be swaddled and held close. Imagin going from a room that was made just for you and then being taken out of it and put into a room way to big. Hold your baby while you can because before too long she will be too big.

Laura Renae - posted on 01/27/2010

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You can't spoil a newborn; but I disagree with the fact that you can't spoil them until you can explain to them what the deal is. I have four kids, and after 6 months you have to cut out whatever you don't want your baby to do then, because believe me they will start getting spoiled and then it's hard to break them from it. I have four children; My oldest is 7 (almost) and she got a little spoiled and breaking her from that habit was a pain. It hurts more breaking them from the habits you created than breaking them before they realize what's going on. My 5 year old was spoiled by my mother and it was totally hard to try and break her. Now I'm having to try to break my 1 year old from being up my butt all the time from "babying him"

Amanda - posted on 01/24/2010

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i agree! dont pick her up everytime she cried, i have a 6 week old son, when i brought him home i fed him soothed him and put him down, when he cried i would of course pick him up to see if he wanted to he but sometimes u have to just let them cry for like 5 mins on there own, its good for there vocal cords as well, its not bad to hold ur baby once in awhile and soothe them and talk to them but dont make it a habit of picking her up wen ever she cries cuz you wont ever get anything done let her cry it own so she knows, and alot of people and doctors say babies dont learn tht if they cry they will get picked up i think thts b.s cuz babies deff kno lol

Leiani - posted on 01/24/2010

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I've been wondering the same thing. My daughter is 5 weeks old and constantly wants to be held. We've tried swaddling her and it used to work in the beginning but she fights her way out of the swaddle. My husband thinks we're spoiling her but yet he still picks her up when she cries. Everything I've read says you can't spoil a baby this early in life. It's good to read that other mothers agree

Gidgit - posted on 01/24/2010

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I will agre that you CANNOT spoil an infant. Please take into consideration that children who do not get the comfort and soothing they crave from being picked up and cuddled when they cry develop Reactive Attachment Dissorder ( RAD). This dissorder causes temper tantrums and keeps the child from forming positive attachemnts to thier caregivers and with others as he/she grows.
Cuddle, swaddle, hold, rock, talk to, and meet your baby's needs!!!

Casey - posted on 01/23/2010

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Thanks for the advice ladies! I'm a first time mom and I needed the advice! My baby is 6 weeks now she sleeps in a bassinet right beside my bed I swaddle her every night before she goes to bed now. Only time she wakes up is when she wants to eat.

Charlotte - posted on 01/23/2010

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Hi Jessica, i'll have a look on the website.. 'cos to be honest i don't want her to be "over attached" but i don't want to her to feel abandoned neither.. but i have other responsibilities as well.. and she's only just came to the world..but i want to cuddle her as long as i can (altough she's my first i've spent a lot of time with my nephews n nieces n they grew up soo fast..:) so ahh i'm just confused! :) but your post helped really.. probably i should "separate" her first in our bed, then put her in the basket, then put her in the cot, then put her in her room after 6 ish months? thanks for the advise i'll try :)

Krystal - posted on 01/23/2010

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you cant spoil a baby, Some just need to know you are around because they believe when they cant see something it is gone forever. It wont hurt to let her cry it out sometimes, but all the time will stress her out. Let her know she is safe and enjoy the time together because when she stops wanting to be held you will miss it. I know, I have a 2 yr old daughter and 6 week old son.

Jessica - posted on 01/23/2010

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Hi Charlotte, Have you tried swaddling her tightly? Shes so new to the world shes probably decided that she doesnt like feeling all this air and hearing so much noise and seeing so much all of a sudden after being all cuddled in your warm tummy. You are the only familiar thing to her, so she wants your cuddles! Keep giving them to her, she might grow out of it as she grows more confident. In the day, try a sling, that keeps her close and leaves your arms free for everything else! Show her that the world isnt too bad, walk around with her in the small snatches that shes awake and talk to her to get her interested. Try swaddling her then laying her down while shes still awake but sleepy, then if she cries go and talk to her or pick her up, still wrapped until she calms down but not until she falls asleep, then put her back down. you may have to do this ALOT at first and it will seem tiring, but you will eventually get results. It worked for me! (my bub is 7 &1/2 weeks now and sleeps on her own everyime!) If all else fails, there are attatchments you can buy for co-sleeping with babies so you dont need to worry about squashing her. Also have a look at the SIDS websit for safe co-sleeping, it might be the answer to your problems! good luck!

Charlotte - posted on 01/23/2010

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We have the same (ish) problem with our baby. she was born on new years eve so she's 22 days old n from the very first night she doesn't want to sleep alone. my hubby said we should just put her in our bed and she'll be just fine. altough i totally disagreed with him i was way to exhausted and sore to argue.

i'm still sore but my mouth is fine :P so i'm just thinking that i know she's too tiny to tell me what's her problem, or me to explain it to her that only cos she'll have to sleep in her basket we still love her into bits.. but i'm afraid that one of us will roll on her or anything like that so i have problems with sleeping, so i'm knocked all the time. but if we're not close to her (or most of the time holding her) constantly she just cries and cries.. most of the time she's sleeping on my chest (even now whilst i'm writing this) but i can't lay in bed all day with her much longer, and anyway i need to be held as well sometimes but she makes it quite impossible. any idea ladies? xx

Jennifer - posted on 01/22/2010

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i went to a new parents class and they said after 6mos of age wut ever you want to cut out thats the deadline to do it

Raina - posted on 01/21/2010

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I was told by my son's dr to cuddle and hold him as much as possible. It helps them trust and makes them feel secure in knowing you will take care of them. My son doesn't like to be left on his back at all and I have to either put him in the swing or his carseat so he can see everything around him. He does on the other hand have to be held to sleep or rocked to sleep most of the time. Good luck.

Kelli - posted on 01/20/2010

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I heard you cant spoil a newborn so dont feel bad. I put my hand on my sons chest when I put him in his crib and hum lullabys to him until he closes his eyes, but it usually doesnt take more than a minute for him to fall asleep. Also if he is extra fussy I swaddle him tight. It seems to make him feel more secure. Are there things that soothe your daughter that you could use? Hope it helps :)

Brittany - posted on 01/20/2010

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I was told the same thing. Although, it hurt to see my daughter cry she did grow out of it. Keep doing it she'll grow out of it.

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