I'm 27 recently married just found out i'm pregnant

Fanessa - posted on 08/28/2009 ( 40 moms have responded )

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well my husband wants to have a abortion cause we already have 4 kids between us. and he thinks we'll never afford another baby.I know we can't afford another one but i don't believe in abortion or adoption. he says he won't hang around if i keep it.that i should move out on my own cause then the statte will help me more.

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Candice - posted on 08/30/2009

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i dunno man. some of the responses on here scare me. in my OPINION, as a mother, i think it would break my heart to have to have an abortion or give up a child because someone else told me to. and i think i would regret it for the rest of my life. more than i would regret getting rid of a man who was cruel enough to expect that of me.



i agree, give him time to warm up, but in the end, you're the one who has to live with your decision. he will move on...but you may not.



i also agree that he helped you make that baby, intentionally or not, and it seems like a cop out to say "we can't afford it". i lived in a campground with my parents for the first year of my life. parents who loved and adored me and made sure i was clean and fed. my father worked whatever jobs he had to until he found something that could support us all. we got clothes second hand most of our lives...and you know what? i turned out just fine! money isn't everything. regret for giving up a child however...that could eat you alive.

Tricia - posted on 09/01/2009

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Wow, Im so hurt for you. I cannot imagine what I would do if my husband said something liek this to me. If you dont believe in abortion or adoption then you already know what you need to do as far as the pregnancy is concerned. I do not think it's fair or nice for your husband to say that to you. I think you should consult some close friends and family for some better advice and to see who can you help you out because you definitely need to get away to think about what you need to do. Im sorry that you are having to make this decision, good luck.

Chris - posted on 08/31/2009

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Abortion is never an option. That baby didn't ask to be conceived, but he/ she is. If your husband won't support you than leave him. But remind him that he will be paying child support, since he did help with the baby making. He should get a vasectomy if he doesn't want any more kids.

Kate - posted on 08/31/2009

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Wow, wow! It's my personal belief that abortion is wrong and would never be an option for me. That said, this is your choice. However, my family has also adopted 3 kids and I can't imagine life without them. While your child may be "unborn" he/she is still alive, if it were me, I'd rather keep my child and save a life than my marriage. It sounds as if your husband is a coward and if he'll leave you over this he may leave over other things down the road.

[deleted account]

hi Fanessa, Im a mother to 5 children...4 girls and only recently had a little boy....for me every pregnancy is a blessing....we live on a tight budget....1 income family...with 1 special needs child....and we never planned on having 5 children but glad we did....i cant tell you what to do but its very harsh on your partner to say that....it took two to tango and you may need some counselling to get through this rough patch...i wish you well....

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Jackie - posted on 09/25/2009

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Quoting Candice:

i dunno man. some of the responses on here scare me. in my OPINION, as a mother, i think it would break my heart to have to have an abortion or give up a child because someone else told me to. and i think i would regret it for the rest of my life. more than i would regret getting rid of a man who was cruel enough to expect that of me.

i agree, give him time to warm up, but in the end, you're the one who has to live with your decision. he will move on...but you may not.

i also agree that he helped you make that baby, intentionally or not, and it seems like a cop out to say "we can't afford it". i lived in a campground with my parents for the first year of my life. parents who loved and adored me and made sure i was clean and fed. my father worked whatever jobs he had to until he found something that could support us all. we got clothes second hand most of our lives...and you know what? i turned out just fine! money isn't everything. regret for giving up a child however...that could eat you alive.



Well said

Alysha - posted on 09/25/2009

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Keep the baby..dont let him get to you..if it it is what u want then keep it.:-) who cars on how many kids u have all together..he is just not a real man..my babys dad has 2 other kids to 2 other women n he didnt want anymore kids..well he has a third child.

Jackie - posted on 09/25/2009

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Let him go if thats the way he feels! He's obligated to take of the children one way or another. he knew the what the outcome could be when you ,well, did the deed...

God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I'm glad you decided to keep it and I guarantee you WILL NOT regret your dicision no matter what he decides to do.

GOOD LUCK! and my heart truly goes out to you.

Tricia - posted on 09/25/2009

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Fanessa, Im glad that you found the best solution for you. Please keep us updated on your pregnancy and my thoughts are with you. Take Care of yourself!

Fanessa - posted on 09/02/2009

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Well ladies thanks for all the help i really needed someone to talk to. I've decided i am keeping this baby no matter what the end result! My husband will either deal with it or leave. I have faith we will make it. Just gonna take it one step at a time. Once again Thank You all.

Jennifer - posted on 09/01/2009

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I love what Tricia said . . . I, too, hurt for you. you have had children - you know the love that wells up inside you when your baby smiles at you for the first time, or nuzzles your neck. I wish I were there beside you - you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please have your baby.

Laura - posted on 09/01/2009

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I think you need to re evaluate your marriage as your husband shouldnt put you in that postion to either lose your unborn baby or lose him. I personally couldnt have an abortion but if thats whats best then it should be done but it doesnt sound like thats what you want you dont want to regret it for life. I think you would figure out how to afford another baby, i know its hard but things always work out.

Tonya - posted on 09/01/2009

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U have to do what u want to do since u will carry the baby and if he wants to leave becasue of another child then it's his loss and maybe he wasnt the man u thought he was in the beginning.

[deleted account]

Fanessa, I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position. There are some hard decisions that have to be made here by both of you. I agree with Amanda that you need to weigh all those factors (with your husband) to come to a joint decision.

While your husband's response was a bit harsh, it may have just been a knee jerk reaction. I can understand that too. He's just joined up with you to provide for a family of 6 and now "surprise!" it's turning into 7. That's no small task. You need to talk to him and make sure he explains what his thoughts are too.

All of us in COMs can give our opinions, thoughts and advice on what we think you should do, but only the two of you can really decide what's best for your family. You may not be able to afford another one, so what is the solution? Your reaction to put your foot down about abortion and adoption is just as severe as your husband's reaction.

Someone can tell you "abortion is wrong" or "god doesn't give you more than you can handle", but that person doesn't have to feed, clothe, educate and mother your children or be a wife to your husband. I've read that it costs $250,000 to raise one child and you already have 4. I'm not advocating abortion, nor am I against the idea. I'm simply saying you need to keep all your options in mind as you go through this process.

As someone posted here, you and your husband have made a decision to become one, so you and he should act as one in coming up with a way to solve this problem. It's not yours alone to bear and he needs to realise that he has to take half of the responsibility in this process too.

Talk, think and act with your head, keeping your heart as a close consultant. You obviously love your husband (or you wouldn't have married him), so give him time and have a real heart to heart with him. You two will come up with a solution that will work for your family.

Good luck.

Kira - posted on 08/31/2009

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Fanessa -



When I first read the subject line of your post, I was so happy to hear that you are pregnant! I wanted to congratulate you on the good news...But then I read the body of your message and was completely shocked.



I will definately side with the majority of the other replies that you've gotten and say that to be blessed with such a gift is a miracle. It is truly a GIFT from God, and should not be tossed aside simply because of a presumed lack of precautionary measures being taken by you and your husband. You didn't mention in your post whether you and your husband were trying to prevent a pregnancy. And you also didn't mention whether the subject of having more children was discussed prior to your exchange of vows..(??)



I am not (nor is anyone else) here to judge you or your husband in your circumstance. So, I will only say this. There are many people out there, who would love to be in your position. You should not base your decision to keep this baby on whether or not your husband is going to "stick around". In fact, if I was in your situation, I would most certainly be asking whether I really wanted him to "stick around" after such an idiotic declaration, and think about getting "rid" of him instead! ;-)



In all truth and seriousness though...Take it to your Higher Power, sister. I don't think we're ever given anything in life if He knows we can't handle it. He is giving you and your husband a test. You are husband and wife, and in that you have made a decision to become one.



A scripture worth pondering:



Ephesians 5:28-30



"In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife."



Hope my input helps. I hope you get the answer you're looking for.

Ask and it will be revealed!

Jenifer - posted on 08/31/2009

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I say screw him your child comes first my partner didnt want my 10 month old when he found out i was preg but i didnt abourt and he got over it. My dad didnt want me but my mum wouldnt abort either my dad even tried getting her to adopt me out once i was born i am one of 4 children i am the youngest if it wasnt for my mum i wouldnt be here. Keep the baby and he can go get F****d . putting it nicely if he loved you he wouldnt make you chose.

Roxanne - posted on 08/31/2009

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I think you have already decided what you want to do. The question is what he will do. I say hope for the best but prepare for the worse.



Like they say we become mothers when we pee on a stick but they become fathers when they hold the child in their arms.



If you leave, he may realize what he has lost. If he doesn't, move on with your life.

Michelle - posted on 08/31/2009

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I would do just about anything to keep my marriage together, but asking me to kill or give up my child absolutely crosses the line. I would tell him, calmly and without anger, that WE are having a baby. That there is no chance of having an abortion or giving the baby up. That he is this baby's father, and that even though it may be hard and require sacrifice you did not plan to make, the best thing for that baby and the other children is for both of you to stay and make this work. That you hope he will not walk out on his child, and that you are not willing to give up. And finally, if you are willing to take steps to permanently prevent future pregnancies, now might be a good time to talk about doing that.

I also would not suggest any plans to defraud the government. This baby is your responsibility and his, and he should not think he can get out of it by dumping you off on the welfare system.

Christie - posted on 08/31/2009

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We had an 18 month old when we found out we were pg with twins... Yes, we were trying to get pg, but never expected twins. The last 3 1/2 years have been rough, financially, but as I watch my three children, I couldn't imagine life without any one of them. All three of my children are miracles and true gifts from GOD. He will see you through this!

Courtney - posted on 08/31/2009

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thats so nasty.. i was 17 and my boyfriend was 16 when i fell pregnant and he went really funny was gonna move away and not be apart of it i finished yr 12 and he had a full time apprectiship and i did not believe in aborion i jus could not do it and i told him mum that and she made me go to councilling i did nto think that helped one little bit but he came around and whiel i was pregnant he went out alot to i was pretty much home on my own the whole 9 months on the weekends =( but he did coem around an endlessly apoloigising about his actions and we have a gorgous little girl whose nearly 6 months old he we live outta home and wher making it happen i no its only one child to 4 or 5.. i knew if i got rid of bubs it would be to make him happy and i new i would resent him in the end and we wouldnt of worked out so i gave him the choice to stay or to go. good luck and keep us updated if u keep bubs

x

Amanda - posted on 08/31/2009

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Quoting Kylie:



Quoting Amanda-Lynn:

Though I agree the choice is yours and not his, but that doesnt mean he doesnt know what he is talking about. There are two of you in this relationship, and two of you that will have to raise theses 5 children together. You really need to sit down with him and talk this out, instead of being on COM's getting advice from woman who have no clue what your home life is like. There are many factors you really need to consider before you decide abortion or adoption is not an opition for you.

1. Can you afford another child?
2. Can you afford the education for all 5 children?
3. Can you truely be the best mother you can be with 5 children over 4 or will your children start to lose out on things because of an extra sibling?
4. How important is your marriage to you? Is it more important then a unborn child?





She should have asked and answered all those questions before having unprotected sex. Where is the personal responsibility there?
I think Fanessa should research adoption before your ruling it out. It may be difficult to part with your newborn but are giving an amazing gift to your child and to a family who really want and can afford the baby.






I couldnt agree more about the unprotected sex! But I have 3 children, two where produced during PROTECTED sex :0) So that is why I didnt bring that up, someone woman get pregnant just by a man walking by LOL!

Shelley - posted on 08/31/2009

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wow! Sounds like you need a new husband. I'm so sorry that he is putting you through this. Remember this baby is a gift from God. I'm glad you do not believe in abortion, do not let him convince yo to do that, because you will never forgive yourself or him. Turn to your family, friends, and church for support and help. God will get you through this and if he leaves, then he didn't really love you and you and the baby will be better off.

Fatsyclien - posted on 08/30/2009

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well aint he a fuck tard. you should hack off his wiener with a meat cleaver.

Svetlana - posted on 08/29/2009

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Because you just found out that you are pregnant give your husband a chance to way all the pro and con on the issue, man get shocked with the news alot worse than we are. When I found out that I am pregnant with my forth child my husband was all for abortion too, was saying that we cannot aford the baby. I gave him sometime to think about it and than we both decided to keep the baby, now my son is 2 months old and my husband loves him to death. Of course all of us can give you advise to keep or not to keep the baby, but ultimately it is your decision to have or not to have. Think hard and speak again with your husband, and I hope both of you will come to some decision. Good luck!!!

Alexis - posted on 08/29/2009

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Honey if he is willing to leave you because of that then he isnt a keeper... when you took your vows you said rich or poorer, and better or worse. I feel that you should keep the baby, the baby deservs a chance at life just like we do. If your looking at the situation as..."we cant afford it" then you cant... but if you look at it as "we will afford it!" then you will! In every situation i have been in and thought to myself, how are we going to get out of this one. Something always comes thru and everything is ok. So keep your head up and keep that baby!!!

Kylie - posted on 08/29/2009

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Quoting Amanda-Lynn:

Though I agree the choice is yours and not his, but that doesnt mean he doesnt know what he is talking about. There are two of you in this relationship, and two of you that will have to raise theses 5 children together. You really need to sit down with him and talk this out, instead of being on COM's getting advice from woman who have no clue what your home life is like. There are many factors you really need to consider before you decide abortion or adoption is not an opition for you.

1. Can you afford another child?
2. Can you afford the education for all 5 children?
3. Can you truely be the best mother you can be with 5 children over 4 or will your children start to lose out on things because of an extra sibling?
4. How important is your marriage to you? Is it more important then a unborn child?


She should have asked and answered all those questions before having unprotected sex. Where is the personal responsibility there?
I think Fanessa should research adoption before your ruling it out. It may be difficult to part with your newborn but are giving an amazing gift to your child and to a family who really want and can afford the baby.

Amanda - posted on 08/29/2009

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Quoting Iysha:

I think that is an awful thing for him to say. Im sorry. Talk to him about it. there are always ways to afford another child. I was 20, a full time student, had a boyfriend that worked way less than part time, and we could barely afford to have a roof over our head, let alone have a baby. The government did help us out a little, so did our families and we're doing ok. If he's still saying the state will help you out more if you are living in a different house, just say that you are renting from someone else and put your parent's address as your address. There are ways to get around things.

If he's still being a jerk about the whole thing, sit him down and try to put him in his place. Let him know how important having your child is to you and that you ARE going to have your child. Don't give him an option. If he doesn't like it, he can do whatever he wants without you. You are the mother and you make the decision, not him. If he wants you to move out, tell him to get a divorce and he can pay child support and you get half of everything (good thing you two are married). Tell him that way, you will have no problem with money then.

I told my boyfriend the same thing... that I was going to have my baby, even if he didn't want to be there for us. I told him I had no problem with it, I wouldn't be the first, or the last woman to be a single mother and even if I wasn't with him, I could still be happy.



Do you think suggesting frauding the government is a good idea? Do you think it is a good idea to have children if you can not afford them on your own? Where in the world did personal responsiblity go? I am all up for people getting help when it is needed, and they qualify for it, but its people scamming for more money, which causes higher taxes, and lower amounts for people who truely need help.

Iysha - posted on 08/29/2009

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I think that is an awful thing for him to say. Im sorry. Talk to him about it. there are always ways to afford another child. I was 20, a full time student, had a boyfriend that worked way less than part time, and we could barely afford to have a roof over our head, let alone have a baby. The government did help us out a little, so did our families and we're doing ok. If he's still saying the state will help you out more if you are living in a different house, just say that you are renting from someone else and put your parent's address as your address. There are ways to get around things.



If he's still being a jerk about the whole thing, sit him down and try to put him in his place. Let him know how important having your child is to you and that you ARE going to have your child. Don't give him an option. If he doesn't like it, he can do whatever he wants without you. You are the mother and you make the decision, not him. If he wants you to move out, tell him to get a divorce and he can pay child support and you get half of everything (good thing you two are married). Tell him that way, you will have no problem with money then.



I told my boyfriend the same thing... that I was going to have my baby, even if he didn't want to be there for us. I told him I had no problem with it, I wouldn't be the first, or the last woman to be a single mother and even if I wasn't with him, I could still be happy.

Heidi - posted on 08/29/2009

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I real man and a real loving husband, hugs you and supports you in hard times, he doesn't threaten to leave you and kick you out of the house. This looks like a sign of your future and his role in it. The children come first and what you decide should have no bearing on his love for you and his children. He had no problems having unprotected sex with you (which by the way is both of your faults) if you weren't expecting more kids then you both are old enough to know better. There is no such thing as an "accident" when your old enough and already have children. Regardless of that, he is acting completely inappropriately and you not only have to make the decision to keep the baby or not, but to stay married to a guy who is so negative and heartless. Is that the kind of future you want? Someone who brings you down......good luck with your decision I hope whatever you decide that you and your children are happy!

Kira - posted on 08/29/2009

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I think that it is unfair of him to ask you to do this and then to say he will leave if you decide to keep the baby, that just shows you his true colors. It is yuor decision, but a baby is always a blessing not a inconvience and something that should be taken care of. If he didn't want anymore children then he should have been "fixed" We are mothers and we can make anything work out b/c we have all the love in the world for our children and even unborn children. I am sure you will make the right choice for you. Hang in there

Amanda - posted on 08/29/2009

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Though I agree the choice is yours and not his, but that doesnt mean he doesnt know what he is talking about. There are two of you in this relationship, and two of you that will have to raise theses 5 children together. You really need to sit down with him and talk this out, instead of being on COM's getting advice from woman who have no clue what your home life is like. There are many factors you really need to consider before you decide abortion or adoption is not an opition for you.



1. Can you afford another child?

2. Can you afford the education for all 5 children?

3. Can you truely be the best mother you can be with 5 children over 4 or will your children start to lose out on things because of an extra sibling?

4. How important is your marriage to you? Is it more important then a unborn child?

Johanna M - posted on 08/28/2009

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HEllO MOM...! Fanessa, you know what to do. The ONLY person who can make this decision for you is YOU! As a mom you know how you feel when you become pregnant AND I can assure you that you will NOT like the way you feel AFTER you have an abortion. I am NOT judging either way because you are ultimately responsible for having this potential baby AND you will never WALK AWAY. We have 7 children in our family.. HIS, mine & OURS. We have ALL 7 with us. We have had hard times and not so hard times. There are MANY ways to get help if you need help. I KNOW what it's like to be in your position.. I personally birthed 4 but care for 7. If you feel that he is not going to support YOUR decision and you have help... I suggest you keep and leave. BUT I am not in your shoes... jmdegarmo@gmail.com if you need to talk... I wish you the best!

Cari - posted on 08/28/2009

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I don't think he is acting fair at all to this situation. To be a father and a mother is the greatest gift on earth. To be a father and want to abort one of his children just amazes me!! Hand-me-downs, coupons, store brand products, and your family can all help take part in taking care of this little one. They are blessings from God and this happened for a reason. I hope y'all come to an agreement and make the best decision that suits y'alls interest. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless!!

Fanessa - posted on 08/28/2009

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well yeah we've been together for 6 yrs just takin by suprizeby how he responded and i about can't take it

Kylie - posted on 08/28/2009

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Well thats a pretty nasty thing to say. Was he there when this baby was conceived? if he didn't want any more children that badly why wasn't he wearing any protection? You may not think you can afford another baby right now but you will manage and make it work because there is no other option. It will be a challenge but if you can come together as a family and support each other it will be easier. Give your husband time to come to terms with the reality but let him know he will supporting the child financially even if he stays or goes. He can be a real man and suck it up and make it work and see this baby as a blessing or he can leave. It must be a bit of a shock... did you realize what you were marrying into ?

Fanessa - posted on 08/28/2009

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thank you it's just hard to convince him it'll be ok

he always has a bad outlook on life

Elouise - posted on 08/28/2009

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Quoting Fanessa:

I'm 27 recently married just found out i'm pregnant

well my husband wants to have a abortion cause we already have 4 kids between us. and he thinks we'll never afford another baby.I know we can't afford another one but i don't believe in abortion or adoption. he says he won't hang around if i keep it.that i should move out on my own cause then the statte will help me more.



i dont think that you should have an abortion and if he really wants you to leave he obiously doesnt love you that much i am 22 and i have a 2 year old and a 1 week old baby and its not easy my husband and i got married and found out i was prego a month later and then my husband lost his his eye site and he had to stop working and its been hard thank god his eye site got better and he has the worst luuck finding work and we are broke living with his mom and we make it work  there is a saying in my family were 3 eat 4 eat and were 6 eat 7 can eat.....



 



well i wish you good luck



Elouise

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