sex after birth

Regina - posted on 06/08/2009 ( 23 moms have responded )

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I gave birth to my first baby May 4, and ended up tearing... My husband has now been pressuring me because its been so long, and I'm just not up to it. Anyone have any feelings about this, or experience? I don't know what to tell him, and I feel guilty because I don't want to. I also don't want to get pregnant right away.
thanks

23 Comments

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App+7mnejhu - posted on 06/15/2009

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My husband was the same way with our first, and with all the changes going on with you're body that you've never experienced its the last thing on our minds. I waited till I was on birth control which was 6 wks enough time for you're body to heal . Just talk to him it may take a while for you to get back into having or wanting sex and it is normal.

Brittany - posted on 06/13/2009

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I was really nervous about that also and my husband told me he was "dying" lol but i caved after 4 weeks after giving birth. Truthfully it wasn't that bad, a little uncomfortable the first few times but nothing painful!

Renee - posted on 06/13/2009

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I didn't deal with tearing cuz I had c-sections, but I had NOOOOOO sex drive after our 2nd baby came. We were both very honest with eachother about our needs. I needed sleep. He said that he wouldn't mind if I just laid there and tolerated it and he would be as quick about it as possible. I knew it was bad when he started offering me things/money in return for sex. Having him give me a massage first would help. He finally asked to to pretend to want it- not pretend to orgasm- just pretend to be interested. I felt so bad for this poor man, I went along with the pretending to want it. With that, he got alot more into it instead of trying to rush so it I could get some sleep and it really became enjoyable again. For me, it was the mental stuff holding me back- not the physical.

Lindsey - posted on 06/13/2009

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if you dont want to tell him you really would rather not and explain it to him and if you do end up doing it use something so u don't get pregnant again



i did it 4 weeks after wasn't a problem i didn't tear of anything maybe thats why

Natalie - posted on 06/11/2009

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we i had my daughter dec 17th and we had sex for the first time about two months later ! i soooooo did not feel up to it and told my hubby so ( i tore too, but even you haven't breastfeeding can take away your sex drive, and the fact the another person emerged from your body !!!) I would tell your partner how you feel and make it clear you don't want to just yet.....without sounding too rude maybe do something else (wink wink nudge nudge)instead of full on 'how your father' ?

also I don't think after having a baby that just over 4 weeks is too long at all !!!!

Sarah - posted on 06/11/2009

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I had the same exact problem. I had a really bad tear and my husband waited until 6 weeks to start pressuring me. I finally got up the nerve to just be honest with him and tell him I was scared and that I wasn't in the mood. He was actually quite understanding, so the next week i gave him the ok.. it has been a long road cause we have to go at it slow for a while.... i guess my advice to you is just be honest with him.. hopefully he will understand!

Nancy - posted on 06/10/2009

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My hubby saw my doc performing an episiotomy so he knew it would be a while before we could have sex. Instead of sex we messed around like 2 naughty teenagers, it helps to get that sassy feeling back to just be able to smooch and touch without the expectation of sex. Also, you may want to share with your hubby that him helping you so you get a little "me" time is the best kind of foreplay ever! Good luck.

Dayle - posted on 06/10/2009

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Ha! Ha! Ha! You can share this story with your hubby & maybe it will put things in perspective for him. We found out I was pregnant when I was 6 weeks. At 12 weeks I had to have a cerclage ( they sutured my cervix closed so I wouldn't loose the pregnancy). You aren't allowed to have sex when you have a cerclage. They removed my cerclage at 36 weeks! Yes... that's six months without sex but, it gets better (or worse depending on how you look at it)! My blood pressure had slowly been creeping up throughout my pregnancy but three days after they took out the cerclage my blood pressure went waaaayyy up and I swelled up like balloon but, we managed to have sex twice in the week before they admitted me to the hospital with preclampsia! They induced labor the next day and I tore bad enough to require stiches in three places. Then my poor husband had to wait another six weeks (we cheated by a few days) while I was healing. He hung in there though. While I was pregnant we said the only way he could deal with it was to not cuddle with me at night (or at all actually). After the birth he didn't ask for it too much either. He said, "I saw that kid come out.... I need time to recover myself!"





My son is now 8 weeks and we have resumed activities with care ( the word of the day is lubricant). I know it's hard to make yourself be in the mood. I sometimes have to remind myself that I am still a wife... not just a mommy. But, it sounds to me like maybe your husband should be a little more patient with you. Good Luck.

Vanaye - posted on 06/10/2009

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Awww...I know the feeling. I would suggest talking to your husband and explaining your concerns. Then work hard on feeling beautiful agian. Try taking Evening Primerose Oil and Iron. My doctor told me that childbirth takes a lot of your Iron away (bleeding) so you have to supplement it for a while. The Evening Primerose Oil will help with your hormones and get them back into shape. Its a real problem not wanting to have sex with your husband, so we women have to get in the mood some how. Where sexy clothes or try thinking of a time when the sex was so great you craved more...let this thought cross your mind a few times a day so that when you see your husband you may want to explore being sensual and sexy again. Don't give up...it will pass...we just have to fight through it. Talk to him about it and ask him to be patient and above all pray that the Lord protect your marriage during such a time of struggles. Hugs...my heart goes out ot you.

Do'Che - posted on 06/10/2009

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6-8wks should do it of course it might be uncomfortable so dont rush into it, im actually scared to have sex now because i have had 3 babies back to back and i dont want no more, just talk to your husband he will understand, just be honest about the whole thing and when you feel comfortable it will happen for you and things will go back to normal

Regina - posted on 06/10/2009

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thank you all so much for your comments. i have my six week appointment next week, so i'll put him off for at least that long

Elizabeth - posted on 06/10/2009

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Dont feel the need to have sex when you are not ready for it. There are also other ways to help him. I tore terribly with my first born and took nearly 4 months just to be normal again and have sex. Giving birth is an amazing experience but has its negatives on your body. If he loves you he will understand, besides you gave him the most precious gift anyone could ever give him, a perfect little baby. Good luck!

Toni - posted on 06/09/2009

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When i had my little 5lb i had a couple small tears nothing bad they said 6 weeks to wait but literally only waited a week and there has been nothing wrong its now going on 7 weeks after i gave birth and im perfectly fine..but you husband should be understanding of what u just went through and respect the fact that u want to wait...

Nicole - posted on 06/09/2009

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I agree with all of you! I was literally sore for 9 weeks after....Men men men, cant live with them cant live without them lol
Stay Strong!

User - posted on 06/09/2009

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Quoting Sara:

I think a lot of women have been in your shoes. I had a second degree tear with my baby and to be honest, depending on the position, 8 months later it can still be uncomfortable there. I also have no sex drive 99.9% of the time. All I can say is that you need to discuss your feelings with him. Is there something else you can do for him that will satisfy him that isn't intercourse? I know that it's hard to get in the mood, and he needs to be sensitive to you, but also remember that sex is important in a relationship. This may sounds bad, and my husband does not make me do anything I don't want to do ever, but sometimes I give in just so he'll shut up and leave me alone for a week or so. Part of the sacrifice of marriage I guess...but do what makes you feel comforable. Good luck!


god i right there with u. I absolutely have no sex drive and do it sometie to shut him up. Ive even tried different things to help. But taking care of the baby every day by myself really leaves me with no energy for sex. just try and talk to him though its  all u can do.

[deleted account]

We waited 5 weeks and it hurt pretty good for the first few seconds. It's been 11 weeks and I have to make myself get in the mood sometimes. I just don't wanna be touched sometimes. My hubby understands, but I feel his frustration. I just try to do the best I can, and talk to him about how I feel.

Diane - posted on 06/09/2009

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I waited until I got the okay from my doctor before my husband and I had sex. After my first, I did go thru a "I don't wanna be touched phase". The only way I could think of to explain was that my touch meter was full. It's like you spend all day and night taking care of this new little person that needs so much. Not only does it drain you physically, but also emotionally. After spending so much time taking care of her, the idea of having to give a loving touch to anyone else just seemed to much. So we worked out days off for me. My husband would take full baby duties for the whole day while I took the day for myself. I'd hide out in our room and watch TV or lock myself in the bathroom for a long hot bath, taking the time to do all the stuff you do when your a woman and not a tired mommy. It really helped me decompress and be more in the mood to spend time with my husband. It also really helped my husband to bond with my daughter. To this day she still acts like the sun rises and sets in him.

Sarah - posted on 06/08/2009

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The Dr. will tell you, you should wait 6 wks after giving birth but, I think my husband and I waited 4 weeks, it all depends on how comfortable you are. I remember not wanting anything to come near that area for a long time. It hurt the first few times but by the 3rd time it was back to normal. lol

Ashley - posted on 06/08/2009

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i made the mistake of trying too soon. and when i went for my 6 week checkup my doctor told me i tore a little bit. i didnt have a sex drive i was just trying to make my fiance happy. with my second child i didnt even try until i went to the doctors but it was still very uncomfortable because my stitches still werent gone. i had that uncomfortable feeling for at least 6 months after i had both my kids. i just didnt let my fiance pressure me. i pretty much told him that i just gave birth to a child not him and if he did he would know how i felt.. but im a forward person.. maybe this will help..

Toni - posted on 06/08/2009

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my doc told me 6 weeks- i gave birth May 25th and I had 2 tears- he said it needs to fully heal first, or the tear could reopen, and possibly get worse. I think your not being up to it is very normal as well- i mean youve got so much else to think about! I dont think you should feel guilty, he should want whats best for you-not just what satisfies his needs... maybe you could try other types of lovemaking for now...

Sara - posted on 06/08/2009

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I think a lot of women have been in your shoes. I had a second degree tear with my baby and to be honest, depending on the position, 8 months later it can still be uncomfortable there. I also have no sex drive 99.9% of the time. All I can say is that you need to discuss your feelings with him. Is there something else you can do for him that will satisfy him that isn't intercourse? I know that it's hard to get in the mood, and he needs to be sensitive to you, but also remember that sex is important in a relationship. This may sounds bad, and my husband does not make me do anything I don't want to do ever, but sometimes I give in just so he'll shut up and leave me alone for a week or so. Part of the sacrifice of marriage I guess...but do what makes you feel comforable. Good luck!

Laura - posted on 06/08/2009

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My husband was actually the complete opposite with the first. I tore with my first but not my second. I felt like he was pressuring me but he wasn't. You need to talk to each other about it. Because it may just be the way he's saying it. And right after we have a baby our hormones are just starting to get back to normal so we take a lot of things a lot differently than we did before and during our pregnancy. Just talk to him about it. Let him know where you are emotionally, physically, and mentally. All three of those have a big impact on how you perceive things. After I talked to my husband after our second and told him how on felt on all of those levels he understood and backed off. Because when it comes down to it they don't want to hurt us or make us feel like a piece of crap. And they don't always realize when they're being jackasses so to speak. So just talk to him. Hope this helps.

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