Smoking....

Kathy - posted on 11/30/2009 ( 28 moms have responded )

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I don't smoke, my fiance does, but not in the house or my car. Our baby girl ins 10 weeks old and we do what we can to keep smoking away from her, which is one reason we only use my car for the family stuff. However this past weekend we were at the mom-in-law's house who doesn't smoke but didn't really help things any. Her common law hubby smokes, and its "his house" when we asked him not to smoke around the baby we got "its my house" from him and he refused to even avoid smoking around her, both him and my mil said that it won't make a difference because it's in the walls when at least she wouldn't be in a cloud of smoke. We tried to stick to our guns on it and got no where, she defended him with saying that her mom smoked with all her kids and that she smoked with hers, as did my mom. Any advice on how to deal with this without keeping baby from grandma?? She loves her grandma and I know grandma loves her, but we don't want her in that cloud of smoke....

28 Comments

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Kathy - posted on 12/04/2009

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I honestly had though she would understand when we asked him not to smoke around her, But I agree, I think I'm going to be telling them that they have to come here to visit her. Unless we have to go that way anyways and am going to be near there I'd rather keep her out of a smoke filled house. What I actually found really sad was also that he smoked with his mom there, she has COPD and won't go outside for her either. If I were his mom I'd be telling him off, what a way to disrespect your mother than to possibly kill her....

Jamie - posted on 12/03/2009

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I would just tell them if they want to see her then they will have to come over to your house and visit. If they don't like that then oh well. Your baby and her health come first.

Kelsey - posted on 12/03/2009

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Quoting Hadleigh:

I can see his point as much as i hate to say it. I would just not take my bub to a house like that. Instead explain your point of view and let grandma know she is always welcome at your house. Good luck!



She is right, its not worth your daughters health to make him happy. Thats really rude of him btw. Just tell grandma how you feel and tell her she can come to your house to visit her granddaughter. If shes a normal motherly person, she will understand.

Karlee - posted on 12/03/2009

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To be honest i would just not bother going around there if that is his attitude. I would let them come to you to visit.

Hanna - posted on 12/03/2009

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i spoke to our pediatrician and he said that any kind of smoke is really bad for the baby. my husband doesn't listen though, smokes in the car (with windows open, but still), steps outside to smoke (again, washes his face & hands when he comes in but i can still smell it). we're on the verge of a divorce over this, because i don't want my son to be sick because of his father's bad habits. if i were you, i wouldn't go over to your in-laws house and let them see the baby outside or in your house & they'll have to abide that they can't smell like ashtrays when they're around her. good luck!

Deanna - posted on 12/03/2009

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Let them see her at your house only if they are discrepecting your wishes. The smoke is dangerous to the baby.

Ashley - posted on 12/02/2009

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I'm sorta in the same situation. My husband actually stopped smoking before Jackson was born but his parents are chain smokers and they smoke in the house. Although they stop smoking while Jackson is there, I still don' like taking him to their house very often. I was told that 3rd contact smoke (smoke in the walls, furniture, etc.) can be just as harmful as second hand smoke. It can cause respritory problems in children, make them more prone to get pneumonia. My best advice is to maybe have grandma come to your house to visit the baby. That's what I do with my mother-in-law. I find myself feeling bad for not taking him to visit them more but Jackson is more important to me. Sounds like your husband feels the same as you so if your in-laws get upset, let him be the one to talk to them about why you feel so strongly about keeping baby away from smoke. Hope this helps a little.

Iysha - posted on 12/02/2009

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I think it is real inconsiderate of them. I have an uncle that smokes cigars...he tried quiting cigarettes and went on chocolate, then gained too much weight and now is on cigars. lol. anyway, I didn't even need to say anything to him...as soon as they found out I was pregnant, he smoked in the garage. I have him and my aunt watch my daughter once a week while I'm at work. They knew my daughter was going to be there often and knew wht to do to help keep her healthy.

Have visits in your home or visit hers and stay outside. If they don't like it, tell them that you tried to have her in their home, but that they wouldn't comply with your rules about your daughter and because of that, you decided that this was a good compromise. It may be their house, but she's yours. They have a right to say what goes on in their house and you have a right as to where they can visit with her and what goes on around her.

Susan - posted on 12/02/2009

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Quoting Kathy:


 



I wish there was, I mean theres his sister and her partner are there too but are rarely around. If he can't accept that we can't risk her health with his smoking in the house when we are there we'll likely have to keep the visits to a extreme limit. My mom is only an hour away, she smokes too, but she doesn't smoke in her house at all, which is good!!






sorry you're in that situation. a little exposure on rare occasions is probably not going to harm her, but it's something only you can ultimately decide on. good luck with your decision and congratulations on the new baby!

Christine - posted on 12/02/2009

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my grandmother can no longer leave her house without an extreme amount of difficulty and i told her that if she wanted to see my son she could not smoke around him. in the summer and fall we stayed outside but now that it is cold that is getting more difficult. she has smoked for 60 of her 72 years around my dad and uncle and there is no telling her different. she will not smoke for about an hour while we are there. as soon as she lights up we leave. we showed up to thanksgiving an hour late so all we had to do was eat and go. everyone has choices. if she chooses not to see the baby that is her prerogative.

Nicole - posted on 12/01/2009

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That's so sad... If it were me, I'd try to remain calm and just appologize to grandma and keep baby out of that house. It may seem a bit harsh, but not nearly as harsh as it must seem for baby to be trapped in a cloud of smoke. Who knows... maybe after a short while, he'll come around and agree to smoke elsewhere when you visit. My younger brother had severe respiratory problems as a child. I didn't and I attribute this to the fact that my smoking mother worked several jobs and I stayed with my non-smoking grandmother. Mom was a stay at home mom to my brother as well as a pack a day smoker. He had to use inhalers and a misting machine every day. When Mom returned to work and he went to school, his problems cleared...

[deleted account]

The only thing I can think of is saying that if they can't do it then you won't come over. It is a really bad thing! I had an aunt die from smoking related illnesses. It's a matter of health and safety, if they can't respect that then you need to do what is best for your baby.

Kathy - posted on 12/01/2009

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Quoting Susan:



Quoting Kathy:

My hubby & I had decided on the weekend that if we go there its going to be limited visits, they are 3 hours away and his mom doesn't drive. but because of how they reacted I don't want to tell grandma that we're not coming no more and break her heart. I know smoke gets into her daddy's clothes but he hardly smokes, last smoke is when he's leaving work and he changes his clothes when he gets home






sorry, i didn't see this post.






 






3 hours away!! is there nowhere else near them that you can stay when you visit without going to their house? like suggest meeting for lunch at a restaurant or something? or visit when her husband is out of the house?





I wish there was, I mean theres his sister and her partner are there too but are rarely around. If he can't accept that we can't risk her health with his smoking in the house when we are there we'll likely have to keep the visits to a extreme limit. My mom is only an hour away, she smokes too, but she doesn't smoke in her house at all, which is good!!

Andrea - posted on 12/01/2009

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I had this with my son and my mother in law, sister in law and brother in law.. We would go to visit and they would just light one up.. I asked them many many times not to smoke around him.. They told me that it wasn't going to gurt him and that i was over reacting.. I got very upset and said something to my hubby (we weren't married at the time this was all going on) So i think that thought what i was saying didn't really matter.. Harley my son is now 2 years old and I my daughter Jaya in 8 months old... Jaya spent 7 weeks in the NICU and she can not be around smoke at all and i told them all that if they could resepct what i was asking then as much as it hurt me to i told them they would not be able to see either of the kids.. My mother in law passed away from cancer on 9-8-09 and she stopped smoking so that she could spend her last 6 months with her first granddaughter and my son.. I never had to stop taking Harley up there she just would go outside and smoke.. I would just tell her that is very important that they not smoke around your daughter.. My and My Hubby's friends even go outside to smoke when we visit them at there homes.. Otherwise you can always do what i did with Harley.. He got RSV and i had the doctor write a note saying they couldn't smoke around him.. I aslo had the NICU do this with my daughter when she got to come home so they knew it was true.. Hope this is helpful.. Take care and Best Wishes...

Susan - posted on 12/01/2009

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Quoting Kathy:

My hubby & I had decided on the weekend that if we go there its going to be limited visits, they are 3 hours away and his mom doesn't drive. but because of how they reacted I don't want to tell grandma that we're not coming no more and break her heart. I know smoke gets into her daddy's clothes but he hardly smokes, last smoke is when he's leaving work and he changes his clothes when he gets home



sorry, i didn't see this post.



 



3 hours away!! is there nowhere else near them that you can stay when you visit without going to their house? like suggest meeting for lunch at a restaurant or something? or visit when her husband is out of the house?

Susan - posted on 12/01/2009

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some people are rude and ignorant like that! sure, it *might* not harm your little girl, but who wants to take a chance? he isn't showing that he cares for you or your daughter... if he did then he would respect your request, even if it is his house. protecting an infant from harm should be a natural instinct for adults. when an infant or child can't stand up for themselves and make the decision whether they want to be exposed to second-hand smoke or not then you've got to stand up for her! it's better to be away from the smoke than it is to be exposed to it...we all know that. my mother inlaw is a heavy smoker but she has the decency to go outside when i bring my girl over. she even airs out the house for a bit before we visit! that and i always ask all smokers to wash their hands before handling my baby. i hate that smell left on her and the toxins on the hands can't be a good thing for a baby!

yeah, do what other people on here are suggesting. invite them over to visit so that you can lay your own ground rules...stay away if they can't respect the fact that you're trying to keep your child safe!

Kathy - posted on 12/01/2009

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My hubby & I had decided on the weekend that if we go there its going to be limited visits, they are 3 hours away and his mom doesn't drive. but because of how they reacted I don't want to tell grandma that we're not coming no more and break her heart. I know smoke gets into her daddy's clothes but he hardly smokes, last smoke is when he's leaving work and he changes his clothes when he gets home

Line - posted on 12/01/2009

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It's definatly a subject that gets different oppinions. I keep my daughter aways from smoke as much as possible. My fiance smokes and does not smoke in the house or the car neighter. She was only exposed to smoke once for 15 min and I did feel really bad for her. I remember when I was a kid my aunt used to bring me at one of her friends house and they smoked like crazy. I hated it I would cry not to go there. So I don't want my baby to get her lungs filled with smoke. I would tell her that you only want the best for the baby and would prefer if she came to visit at your house so she doesn't get exposed to smoke. If she does want you to come over that they have the respect of going outside to smoke. Won't kill them.

Loretta - posted on 12/01/2009

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in vite them roud yours instead, then you can say "my house my rules" and tell them where it is acceptabe to smoke. i make my parner and his brother smoke outside

Taryn - posted on 12/01/2009

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how you handle this entirely depends on how committed to the health of your baby. you already know that its not good for the baby. there is no use in getting into a debate with your mom or her husband. he is right, it IS his house. (that doesn't mean he isn't an inconsiderate @$$) but it is his house and we can not change other people. we can only change ourselves. let it be known how you feel and then if you feel strongly enough about keeping the baby away from smoke, have the gatherings at an alternate location or let your family know you just won't be attending. i know people often are aware of the fact smoke can cause respiratory problems, but it can also cause issues in a baby's ears.stick to your guns mama. you have to be the voice for your little person.

[deleted account]

well best think i can say is to tell grandma to come over and visit. but they are right about it being in the walls even if your husband smokes he may not be smoking around her but he caries it in his clothes which is just as bad. I only recently have learned how bad it is because of my son being put into the hospital. Now my son can go to my mother in laws because her boyfriend smokes in the house and he cant be in the house. so if she wants to see him its in my house. dont know if that helped but its an idea...

Jocelyn - posted on 11/30/2009

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Don't take her to the house, plain and simple. Just make sure that grandma knows that she is always welcome at your house.

Mary - posted on 11/30/2009

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I agree with the ladies above. It drives me nuts to because my fiance has a billion relatives and all of them smoke. If they do it inside the house most definately stick to your guns and don't take your little one over there.

Megan - posted on 11/30/2009

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I would say that i'm not bringing her over there if he's gonna smoke around her but that they can come see her whenever they want.

Sarah - posted on 11/30/2009

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Yeah its hard to deal with that. My mom smokes but she does put the air purifier on before I come over because I make a big deal out of it. I hate the smell and our pediatrician said there is a thing called 3rd hand smoke which is the smoke on items like clothes and stuff and they did studies and found thats not even good for babies. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/health...

Stephanie - posted on 11/30/2009

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The smoke definitely makes a difference despite what they say. Second hand smoke caused my sister's, who smoked like a chimney unfortunately, son to develop severe asthma. I'm not trying to scare you with horror stories but you are right to stick to your guns. If he refuses to take his smoking outside for the duration of your visits then those visits should be moved to your house if possible. Smoking is terrible for adults' health much less those tiny, newly developed lungs!

Hadleigh - posted on 11/30/2009

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I can see his point as much as i hate to say it. I would just not take my bub to a house like that. Instead explain your point of view and let grandma know she is always welcome at your house. Good luck!

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