What Do I Do?

Charlotte - posted on 06/27/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My partner and I have been together for nearly 7 years. When we found out I was expecting our 1st child in September last year, I was apprehensive but happy. When I told him, he seemed happy. Then a while later, he told me that he didn't want the baby and wanted me to get an Abortion. To which I told him that I would NEVER abort a baby of mine. He was in a mood about this for a while, then seemed to start liking the idea of becoming a Daddy. Every so often during my pregnancy he'd get upset/angry and talk aout how he still wished I get an Abortion - even up to about my due date (I went 1 week and a half over). He was great when I went in to be Induced and was really supportive during my labour. He cried when our daughter was born.

She's now 6 weeks old and he's been going on about wishing I'd had an Abortion - on and off.

When we're around other people, he acts really happy and acts like a doting Daddy. I keep asking him that if that's how he feels, then why are we still together, but he either just grunts or says "I don't know". I love him and he says that he loves me.

But, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by staying with him. I keep wondering if I'm just waiting for him to make up his mind. Or just wasting my time. I know I don't want my daughter to grow up with parents that just stayed together because we have a child.

12 Comments

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Rachel - posted on 07/01/2009

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I am so sorry that your going thru this. I agree with the girls above. If you can get him to go to counseling then I hope it would really help him. But also think of it this way...ask him to go by himself. Afterwards, act like its just the random appointment and don't ask him anything about it either. See if a few visits alone will help the situation.

My husband and I had the normal issues, there was an opportunity for him to go by himself to counseling. Just a few sessions, and the ways it helped him were incredible. He was able to talk about all the things that he doesn't need me to hear. And sometimes there are fears or insecurities that a person can't feel right disclosing in front of a loved one or that you would ever be able to forget.

Otherwise, you and your daughter do not need the mental abuse of such indecision. Your also still in the thick of the new baby experience. He loves the good, sounds like he just gets pinched when it gets sticky. But his terms of discord are unforgivable. Anyone who sees the beauty of such a baby and wishes it dead does have issues. Make him realize what he's saying. Abortion is death, not the lighter - never happened in the first place.

Also, and no absolutely NO offense, cause it took me four years to marry my husband. Seven is a long time to not "commit" to someone. There are many reasons not to get married, I in no way know yours or judge...but this baby is the permanent commitment that he may have always avoided before this. It just could relate to why he's in love but lingering on the fence to yesteryear freedom.

BJ - posted on 07/01/2009

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I am so sorry this is happening to you.But you made the right choice to keep that beautiful baby.Me and my husband were married for 7 yrs before we had our daughter.He never really wanted kids.He was never as excited as I was when I was pregnant so I always worried how it would be once she was here.But as soon as she was born she changed him.He is the best dad ever,and I am so blessed.I cant understand why your husband feels the way he does about your baby.I really think he needs help.Prayer is the best thing you can do for him.Pray for God to change his heart...I hope it all works out for you....

Mel - posted on 07/01/2009

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sounds like you and your daughter deserve much better but i know when you love someone its so so hard to just end things especially when it has been that long. i do hope it works out for you and that whatever happens is for the best

Ez - posted on 06/28/2009

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Oh my.. you poor thing!! I'm a single mum to a nearly 5mo daughter, and became on because her father didn't want me to go through with the pregnancy and I refused to terminate. Our relationship was complicated (long distance) and we hadn't been together nearly as long as you and your partner, but it was still very hard going through my pregnancy knowing he was not supportive. Given that we live in different cities now there was only so much he could pressure me, but the sentiment was there and it was terrible.
Trying to understand why a man rejects his own child is futile... as women we just can't. I think you've certainly got your work cut out for you if you decide to stay with him, and there's no way I would tolerate him openly wishing your daughter wasn't there!! That's just hideous. What if he says things like that to her as she grows up?? Imagine the damage that would do to her??
Raising a baby alone is tough, but sometimes its our real only option :)

Michele - posted on 06/28/2009

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He definitely sounds ambivalent! There must be a reason he has those flip side feelings-counseling may help him work it out. Most guys I've known bottle it up and don't communicate well about this stuff. My husband gets better every year- with time and maturity. Seems giving him something to think about then giving him time to do that before discussing it again helps. Like ask him a specific question, tell him to think it over, and drop it awhile- like 2 days- then ask him at a good relaxed time what he thought about what you asked him. Like " I know you love me and our daughter and I know you have feelings of not wanting a baby at the same time. Can you give some thought to what makes you feel these ways and get back to me? " Maybe some of the reasons he's anti- is fear of responsibility, of not being able to provide, of not being a good dad, of letting you down somehow, of losing his freedom/having to be more selfless, etc. Some of those things you could reassure him about (ie; we can learn to be good parents together) and some of the reasons may need more work like in counseling. Only you can know if you are wasting your time or not. Partner for 7 years hints at commitment issues maybe? My guy and I were together 4 yrs when I sat him down and said I wanted to have a baby but not until we were married, so... and he actually agreed with me and we got married 3 months later and had our first baby in March. I think you would regret not trying everything you can to work it out, you owe that to yourself and your daughter. If it doesn't work out then, you know you tried everything and can look back at it without regret- you will always be linked to this man now forever. It would be great if it was always without regret- with or without him.

Sarah - posted on 06/28/2009

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It's difficult because you still love him. I think mentally that you are probably waiting for him to make his mind up but i think Catherine is right in saying you should try counselling. It sounds like there is hope if he seems happy some of the time. However, if he doesn't agree to go to counselling with you then if it were me, he'd be out the door. I really feel for Melissa and hope your beautiful daughter won't have to suffer the same. I hope he agrees to go to counselling with you for your sake, his sake and your daughter's sake. It may be repairable but if not you have to think about your daughter as hard as it will be for you because you love him. Please let us know how it goes xx

[deleted account]

If it were me, he'd have been out the door the first time he made that comment once my child was born.

He sounds like he has a lot of insecurities and rather than face up to them himself, he is just looking for blame.

User - posted on 06/27/2009

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sry if you get offended but what a waste of a man! u need to leave him...there will jsut continue to be more problems. what if you were to get preggo again what would happen!!!

Vanessa - posted on 06/27/2009

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Honestly I'd leave him. If he loved you he'd love the cute lil girl you 2 made together. There are so many real men out there that would love to be a daddy and be with you both, so don't be afraid of being alone. She is very cute and God has blessed you so much. Take care!

Melissa - posted on 06/27/2009

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all that i can offer on this is the point of view of a child that was in ur daughters perdiciment. my dad never wanted kids. but he got my mom pregnant and my half sisters mom pregnant. im 3 yrs older than her. our moms kicked him out when he said "its me or the kid" well they chose us over him. even now all my mom and dad do is fight eventhough he lives an 8 hour drive from us. ya he did come to my graduation and to see my son when he was born. he has told me numerous times i never wanted u or your sister.it really sucks. the best thing our moms did was divorce him.

Charlotte - posted on 06/27/2009

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I'll try to convince him to go to counseling with me, not too sure if he'll go though.

He had a bit of a relationship with his dad. His parents split when he was about 8, and his visits to him started off well, but they got less and less over a couple of years. Don't think he's had contact with him for about 13 years or so. I ask him why he's the way he is most of the time, and he just isn't very responsive.

Thank you.

Catherine - posted on 06/27/2009

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I'm sorry your guy is so cold! I think the best thing you two can do is go to counseling. If you can convince him to go- I would say just forget him but if you love eachother and he's happy some of the time about the baby then maybe there is something else going on with him, maybe he's scared of the responsibility or that he won't measure up as daddy. Did he have a relationship with his dad? I hope he will go to couseling with you. It's really hard to be a new parent mommy or daddy so sometimes we all need a little bit of help. Best wishes and congratulations on your beautiful new baby girl.

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