my 5 year old is giving me a very hard time....

Sydney - posted on 12/23/2009

You need a new set of rules, the time outs aren't working? You need to find his "currency." What he really likes and THAT is what you remove. For instance a note from teacher means no TV today or video games. Having to ask you something twice and having you be non-responsive is another day. It might be that he loses a week of shows, has his Legos removed from his room and locked in the garage or something else. If you EXPECT him to behave at home and school and have consequences for him when he doesn't it will eventually sink in. Ask for a conference with his teacher and find out how she wants you to support her in the classroom.

Tally - posted on 12/20/2009

You already received great advice.... but I wanted to add that it is extremely important that you gain control now... if you don't it will be too late. If the time out is not working.... you need to be creative and not back down. Maybe change the spot. Maybe put some of his favorite toys in time out. I do believe in spankings, but it's got to be done in a very controlled way and not in anger. You will need to agree together with your husband on how to handle things, and then have a sit down together with your son, when things are going well and explain to him that if he behaves a certain way these are the consequences, etc.
Another thing to consider in behavior which a lot of people overlook is sugar intake, food coloring, and the right nutrition. I have 5 children, and I started to give them high quality vitamins about a year and a half ago. Not only do they not get colds and such, but they are able to concentrate on their work better and have a more even mood throughout the day.

Amy - posted on 12/20/2009

Consistency and boundaries are going to be the most important things. During a couple of my classes I worked with first graders that were very challenging. The common issue for all of these students was the desire for attention. They acted out to get the attention they wanted, children don't seem to care if you're angry or happy as long as you are focused on them. As a teacher you learn to ignore the small stuff if it isn't dangerous or causing an interruption overlook it for now and save your energy for the important issues. Second, and this may be more for teaching, if an item is causing the issue just calmly walk by and remove the item, then walk away. I make a little game out of it to avoid causing a fit I smile and hold out my hand like, he he I caught you now back to work. Removing distractions and ensuring that over stimulation is not an issue is HUGE. I'll never forget seeing my mentor teacher in the middle of a lesson turn a student's desk around so that all their supplies were no longer facing them to distract them. She didn't miss a beat and she didn't let it upset her she just removed the distraction / stimulation. Sometimes we have the best intentions but we give our children too much. I remember before I started taking classes to be a teacher being so aggravated with my daughter that I removed all the toys from her room, she was so happy! She could find things and her room and it was so much more calming even I enjoyed being in there. We regularly go through her room now and remove the extra clutter that builds up together. You would be amazed how over stimulation can be a big cause of behavior issues, things like leaving the TV or radio on in the background for entertainment or company but not really watching it. I walk around with my MP3 player in one ear I get my music and my daughter gets the peace and quiet she craves / needs. We limited TV and video games when she was little, none during the week and only with us on the weekend. Yes that did mean I sat down to watch cartoons and Disney channel but it did two things, once again it removed excess stimulation and it created quality time for the right kind of attention. As I said before kids crave attention, good or bad they don't care, make time for the good attention. I know that in our busy lives it's hard but it really is important. You're never going to be as good at this as you want to be, but catch your kids being good and play with them when things are going well it may help reduce the times when things aren't going so well. I could write a novel on this, one last thing do your best to avoid telling your child they are a bad child, I don't know where I picked this up but it has made all the difference in my daughter's life, she's now 11 with very few behavior issues. I tell her that I don't approve of the choice she made or that I don't approve of her actions but I never tell her that she is bad. I even go so far now as to tell her that I love her after any conversations regarding behavior adjustments I would like to see her make. Even at five they understand when you tell them that you love them, you would just like to see them make better choices. Talk with them see if they know why they are behaving this way, at five it's going to go something like this 1. wait for them to calm down, 2. ask them why they did that 3. they are going to say they don't know probably or they'll give you a reason, remember that reason even though it may not seem important to you is important to them 4. let them know you understand how they feel and you're sorry they feel that way 5. give them options on how to express themselves in a better way next time or a behavior that would be acceptable in the future 6. let them know that you love them. Hindsight is 20/20 and going to school to be a teacher has taught me allot, you're never going to have a perfectly behaved child 100% of the time, but that would be so boring you wouldn't enjoy yourself. I tell people all the time that as a teacher I've realized my most challenging students are also the most rewarding, I know it's harder at home because you don't get as many breaks but challenging children are also creative, funny, loving and extremely smart in my experience. Enjoy your challenging child, they grow up too fast.

Lorie - posted on 12/07/2009

I also know how you feel. I think kids go through a bit of a testing phase around 5 where they test the boundaries of just how bad they can act. It's a phase so stay firm and consistent and they will learn the boundaries. Someone told me that kids actually love boundaries and structure. It's predictable and comforting but that doesn't mean they won't test them! My sons there too and it comes across to me sometimes as disrespect toward me and/or his father, mostly me, but I try to remember "this too will pass". However, in the meantime, I try to keep firm on those boundaries.



The reward system mentioned below is a good idea, especially for behaving at school and when you are not around. For example, he gets a sticker each day the teacher does not send home a note. When he gets 5 stickers he gets a prize (some little of course - not a spending spree at Target!). But to address the immediate disciplinary issues, I use an "escalation technique", for lack of a better term. I've used with my son when he gives me a hard time (such as talking to Mommy bad or throwing a fit which he does rarely). You have to be firm and consitent. Sometimes (most times) I feel like the bad guy but there's a lot of love there, too, and he knows it. Most importantly, do it without getting angry. It combines a couple of concepts and you have to remember to always be firm, no anger and consistent!!!!! This is what I do:

1) When he's not minding, I give him the count down. "If you don't do it by the time I count to 3 you will be in time out." - OR - If he's getting into trouble, I will give him a last warning. "Carson, this is your last warning, if you do that again, you are going in to time out."

2) Time out - If he doesn't mind or ignores the warning, he goes to time out (one minute for each year), so he's 6, he goes for six minutes. Some times, I'll make it 10 if it is his second round in time out. Rules for timeout are that he has to sit in the corner and no talking or crying (sometimes he cries and often he will beg to get out saying he will do better). He has to apologize when he gets out of timeout. But if he were to yell and scream in timeout that would immediately escalate him to the next level which is losing privileges (getting grounded or restricted).

3) Losing Privileges or Restriction/Grounded - I've found at his age that it is effective to take away privileges such as Nintendo DSi (which he rarely uses), TV (especially Phenis and Ferb) or Playdates (he loves to play with friends). I've only had to do this a few times for him to get the point.

4) Spanking - I don't think that spanking at their age is a good idea and try everything to avoid it.



It may sound tough but let me tell you there is a LOT of love in our family. We tell each other this often and our son knows how much we love him! So remember to stay strong, be firm and consistent. And say I love you.

Stephanie - posted on 12/02/2009

Have you tried a reward system... by using a chart and stickers. also take things away and dont be afraid to tell him how u feel

Katrina - posted on 11/21/2009

Kara-lee, Seems like you 5 yr old knows how to run things at home and at school. Try other things besides time out take play time away, no tv sit down a ask him what is wrong. It could be the adjust to school have to kind of figure out when, why and how this all started with him. Remeber don't yell at him talk in a nice suttle voice.

Jessy - posted on 11/19/2009

not sure about giving you advice but i'll let you know I know exactly how you feel. My son is almost 6 and he's terrible these days, he's always been so good and kind these days he cries for pretty much anything, he hits his little sister and never listens, he'll listen to dad but with me he plays up like crazy, so I know how you feel, all I can say is that it will pass they are milestones they need to go thru to drive us crazy but it will too pass