Why is so much harder being the step mom.

Debbie - posted on 12/17/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I have two step children and it seems like it is so much harder raising them then it did my own they live with me and it just seems like I can't do enough to make them love them like my own will they ever??

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Karlonda - posted on 12/19/2009

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My step mom use to refer to me as "Leon's daughter" or her step daughter. I never accepted her because I felt those terms meant for me to stay a certain distance from her and that I wasn't good enough to be called her daughter. I sensed rejection. It was very hurtful to feel unacceptable or inferior to her own offspring. So if you can refrain from saying "step" or "my husband's children", it will make a world of difference. And try to be genuine about it, they'll know if you're acting.

Brandi - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Lanaya:



Quoting Karlonda:

My step mom use to refer to me as "Leon's daughter" or her step daughter. I never accepted her because I felt those terms meant for me to stay a certain distance from her and that I wasn't good enough to be called her daughter. I sensed rejection. It was very hurtful to feel unacceptable or inferior to her own offspring. So if you can refrain from saying "step" or "my husband's children", it will make a world of difference. And try to be genuine about it, they'll know if you're acting.






You have to be careul not to step on the toes of the Biological. I refer to my SS has such and that is only to eliminate drama with the mama. She allowed for her son to call her boyfriend daddy and it led to confusion (he thought he had 2 dad's) and hositlity. At times the SS refered to me as mom and I had to politely correct him because I don't want extra drama on top of drama. He calls me by name and is starting to get over the 2 daddy thing now(he is 6 and the boyfriend has been living with her for the last 2-1/2 years and dating for rouglhly 4yrs and dad&I got together about 4yrs ago got pregnant right away and married during the pregnancy) It also and issue because my SS is Bi-Racial. I just try to remind SS that right now(untill BM gets married) he has 3 parents that love him: He has a Mommy, Daddy and a Naya:-)






And your right it is harder because your not only dealing with issues of the child but of the NCP.





The biological parent shouldn't be such a pain. If EVERY adult is looking out for the best interests of the children (and I'm not saying you aren't) then whatever the child calls any of the parents shouldn't cause drama. Kids internalize enough drama for all of you without having the adults act out all of their fears. I NEVER called my stepfather "dad" for fear that I would hurt my father's feelings. If I had known how my relationship with my father was going to end (he and I don't speak and I don't even know where he lives or if he is alive:  His choice not mine) I would have gone ahead and called my "Step" dad Dad. he has always been more like a father to me than my own. I think parents needs to ALL work together and keep the child's feelings in the forefront. WHO CARES IF THE ADULTS HAVE HURT FEELINGS???? Kids do whatever they feel they need to do to feel loved, accepted, and cared for and if to them that means calling their stepparent MOM OR DAD then who is the biological parent to say that's not OK? Children don't ask for their families to fall apart, they are just FORCED to deal with it in whatever way they can figure. Wouldn't it be nice if all the "parents" in a child's life ONLY cared about what the child was feeling about the situation. I commend you on making sure that your SS knows you love and care about him Its a good step. I just know how hard it CAN be on children of divorce when one or both of their parents remarry. It's a confusing time all together and I'm not so sure that believing he has 2 fathers or 2 mothers is necessarily a bad thing.

Brandi - posted on 12/19/2009

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Quoting Karlonda:

My step mom use to refer to me as "Leon's daughter" or her step daughter. I never accepted her because I felt those terms meant for me to stay a certain distance from her and that I wasn't good enough to be called her daughter. I sensed rejection. It was very hurtful to feel unacceptable or inferior to her own offspring. So if you can refrain from saying "step" or "my husband's children", it will make a world of difference. And try to be genuine about it, they'll know if you're acting.


this is just what I was talking about. My stepfather never made us feel like we were outcasts in his home or anything. I really think blended families need to forget all the things that make the "blended" and just make everyone feel like part of the family.  stepkids already have some of those left out feelings without having them validated.

Brandi - posted on 12/17/2009

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Try to look at life from their perspective. Do they see their mother often or at all?? Even if they are estranged, they may feel some sense of betrayal toward their mother if they get too close to you. Are they very young? Kids tend to blame themselves when bad things happen in their familes (like divorce or illness) and may feel that their mother is unhappy that their father has remarried. You can't DO anything to MAKE them love you. Step-parent, step-child relationships, I believe, are among the hardest to form. Your step-children didn't choose you, you were chosen for them. I'm not trying to insinuate that you don't love and care for your step-children every bit as much as you care for you own children. I am a step-child (who of course is grown with kids of my own) and I love my step-father very dearly today. He has always been there for me and never gripes or complains about anything I might need. Not one time in my whole childhood do I ever remember hearing anything to indicate that he felt he was doing a job someone else should be doing. Over time, you and your step-children will form a mother daughter bond. Might I suggest something?? My mother used to always tell us, when we would argue or feel left out of the family (my brother and I) that the only "steps" in our house led upstairs. If you implement that in your family, I would bet that, in time, your step-kids would grow to understand that you are ALL part of the SAME family. My stepfather introduces my brother and I to new friends, acquaintances, whatever as My son, and my daughter. My half sister has never been a half sister to me. She has only been my sister. I believe that if you remove these types of labels of stepkids or stepparents, it really helps to bring cohesion to the family. Also, just be there for them as if they were your own. They may not "get it" or appreciate it now, but I promise, in time, they will come to see you as their mother (or another mother). I don't speak to my biological father anymore, so my stepfather is my DAD. I love him and believe me it took years to get that way. Give it some time and remember that YOU are the adult and therefore, you cannot expect THEM to better your relationship. As they grow older, they will come to know how much you love them and that they can count on you for anything that they could ever count on their mother to do. Stay positive and know that this is as hard on them as it is on you. I believe that in time you all will become the close family it sounds like you so desperately want. Good luck.

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Arica - posted on 03/22/2012

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I'm sure you have heard the common phrase "You're not my mom!" I've been in a past relationship with a man whose son said that to me all the time. They may be jealous because it's quite possible they had their father to themselves after he and their mother split up, and now that you are there, they feel they have to compete with you for their father's attention. You may try explaining to them that you understand you are not their real mother and that it will take time. You can't force your step-children to love you. They have to do it on their own. The transition isn't always easy. My brother is in his 2nd marriage and has a daughter from his first wife who is now a teenager. He and his first wife divorced when my niece was just a toddler. My brother stayed single for awhile, but then met his current wife, and he admitted it took time for my niece and his new wife to adjust, but they are close now. My brother has 2 young sons from his current wife, and my niece adores her little brothers.

Kelly - posted on 05/12/2010

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I have been with my husband for 10 yrs and have two step kids girl 18 and boy 16. My other 2 kids are 12 and 6. Now I agree it is harder because it seems like they never except you. they used to get me and my husband fighting and almost tore us apart. I always call them my kids not step kids. I always try to include them and i get along really well with their mom.No matter what you wont be their mom but be their freind. I know it is hard. You can do it.

Maranda - posted on 01/02/2010

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I have one step-child and it is harder. I feel like I need to give him extra affection and attention because I'm trying to get him to love me back. I know I'm not his mother but I want to treat him the same as my 2 children.

Beck - posted on 01/01/2010

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If these children are older then 5 chances are they have not bonded with you as much as your children had the chance to, you do sound like you have tried very hard to be accepted by these children, and genuinly care about these children but their feelings towards you will not change over night. It is very tricky dealing with step children because on one hand you want to be firm with them, then on the other hand, you want them to love you and not see you as a wicked step mum. With your own children though, if you were firm they would always love you then they would get over it and that would be the end of it. If these children are old enough to talk to, just tell them how much you care about them and how you will always be there for them when they need you, understand that if they have been raised by there mother for anytime though that they may compair you to her in how you disipline them so just be aware that it isnt their fault that have had two seperate set of rules. Adults wish sometimes that they or their step children could feel the same as if they were biological, but sadly for you their bond may be stronger with their biological parents if they have spent time with them their genes and resemblance make them feel comforted. Dont let this dishearten you though, because you can still have a great relationship with your step children. It wont always be easy but enjoy being able to embrase their lives when and where you can, and keep your sprits up. :D

Brandi - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Lanaya:



Quoting Karlonda:

My step mom use to refer to me as "Leon's daughter" or her step daughter. I never accepted her because I felt those terms meant for me to stay a certain distance from her and that I wasn't good enough to be called her daughter. I sensed rejection. It was very hurtful to feel unacceptable or inferior to her own offspring. So if you can refrain from saying "step" or "my husband's children", it will make a world of difference. And try to be genuine about it, they'll know if you're acting.






You have to be careul not to step on the toes of the Biological. I refer to my SS has such and that is only to eliminate drama with the mama. She allowed for her son to call her boyfriend daddy and it led to confusion (he thought he had 2 dad's) and hositlity. At times the SS refered to me as mom and I had to politely correct him because I don't want extra drama on top of drama. He calls me by name and is starting to get over the 2 daddy thing now(he is 6 and the boyfriend has been living with her for the last 2-1/2 years and dating for rouglhly 4yrs and dad&I got together about 4yrs ago got pregnant right away and married during the pregnancy) It also and issue because my SS is Bi-Racial. I just try to remind SS that right now(untill BM gets married) he has 3 parents that love him: He has a Mommy, Daddy and a Naya:-)






And your right it is harder because your not only dealing with issues of the child but of the NCP.





The biological parent shouldn't be such a pain. If EVERY adult is looking out for the best interests of the children (and I'm not saying you aren't) then whatever the child calls any of the parents shouldn't cause drama. Kids internalize enough drama for all of you without having the adults act out all of their fears. I NEVER called my stepfather "dad" for fear that I would hurt my father's feelings. If I had known how my relationship with my father was going to end (he and I don't speak and I don't even know where he lives or if he is alive:  His choice not mine) I would have gone ahead and called my "Step" dad Dad. he has always been more like a father to me than my own. I think parents needs to ALL work together and keep the child's feelings in the forefront. WHO CARES IF THE ADULTS HAVE HURT FEELINGS???? Kids do whatever they feel they need to do to feel loved, accepted, and cared for and if to them that means calling their stepparent MOM OR DAD then who is the biological parent to say that's not OK? Children don't ask for their families to fall apart, they are just FORCED to deal with it in whatever way they can figure. Wouldn't it be nice if all the "parents" in a child's life ONLY cared about what the child was feeling about the situation. I commend you on making sure that your SS knows you love and care about him Its a good step. I just know how hard it CAN be on children of divorce when one or both of their parents remarry. It's a confusing time all together and I'm not so sure that believing he has 2 fathers or 2 mothers is necessarily a bad thing.

Dawn - posted on 12/30/2009

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When a SC is raised by their mother, and they have their child call thier "live in boyfriend" I think that is WRONG, just because they have a child out of wedlock with the "live in boyfriend" their child does have a father, whether they like it or not. There are alot of Dads that do not pay child support and don't want time with thier child. It's hard to be part of your SC'ds life when the mother would rather not have them their.

Dawn - posted on 12/30/2009

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You shouldn't have to buy their love. I have a stepdaughter who will be 18 in March, and she acts like her mother (not good) she thinks she has to have a boyfriend, whether he is good for her or not, he is being raised by his mother also. You need to wheen them off. If you do everything for them they will never learn untill its too late.

Lanaya - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting Karlonda:

My step mom use to refer to me as "Leon's daughter" or her step daughter. I never accepted her because I felt those terms meant for me to stay a certain distance from her and that I wasn't good enough to be called her daughter. I sensed rejection. It was very hurtful to feel unacceptable or inferior to her own offspring. So if you can refrain from saying "step" or "my husband's children", it will make a world of difference. And try to be genuine about it, they'll know if you're acting.



You have to be careul not to step on the toes of the Biological. I refer to my SS has such and that is only to eliminate drama with the mama. She allowed for her son to call her boyfriend daddy and it led to confusion (he thought he had 2 dad's) and hositlity. At times the SS refered to me as mom and I had to politely correct him because I don't want extra drama on top of drama. He calls me by name and is starting to get over the 2 daddy thing now(he is 6 and the boyfriend has been living with her for the last 2-1/2 years and dating for rouglhly 4yrs and dad&I got together about 4yrs ago got pregnant right away and married during the pregnancy) It also and issue because my SS is Bi-Racial. I just try to remind SS that right now(untill BM gets married) he has 3 parents that love him: He has a Mommy, Daddy and a Naya:-)



And your right it is harder because your not only dealing with issues of the child but of the NCP.

Brandi - posted on 12/17/2009

780

12

106

Try to look at life from their perspective. Do they see their mother often or at all?? Even if they are estranged, they may feel some sense of betrayal toward their mother if they get too close to you. Are they very young? Kids tend to blame themselves when bad things happen in their familes (like divorce or illness) and may feel that their mother is unhappy that their father has remarried. You can't DO anything to MAKE them love you. Step-parent, step-child relationships, I believe, are among the hardest to form. Your step-children didn't choose you, you were chosen for them. I'm not trying to insinuate that you don't love and care for your step-children every bit as much as you care for you own children. I am a step-child (who of course is grown with kids of my own) and I love my step-father very dearly today. He has always been there for me and never gripes or complains about anything I might need. Not one time in my whole childhood do I ever remember hearing anything to indicate that he felt he was doing a job someone else should be doing. Over time, you and your step-children will form a mother daughter bond. Might I suggest something?? My mother used to always tell us, when we would argue or feel left out of the family (my brother and I) that the only "steps" in our house led upstairs. If you implement that in your family, I would bet that, in time, your step-kids would grow to understand that you are ALL part of the SAME family. My stepfather introduces my brother and I to new friends, acquaintances, whatever as My son, and my daughter. My half sister has never been a half sister to me. She has only been my sister. I believe that if you remove these types of labels of stepkids or stepparents, it really helps to bring cohesion to the family. Also, just be there for them as if they were your own. They may not "get it" or appreciate it now, but I promise, in time, they will come to see you as their mother (or another mother). I don't speak to my biological father anymore, so my stepfather is my DAD. I love him and believe me it took years to get that way. Give it some time and remember that YOU are the adult and therefore, you cannot expect THEM to better your relationship. As they grow older, they will come to know how much you love them and that they can count on you for anything that they could ever count on their mother to do. Stay positive and know that this is as hard on them as it is on you. I believe that in time you all will become the close family it sounds like you so desperately want. Good luck.

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