Need advice

Sasha - posted on 08/30/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi all! I am a BIOmom AND a Stepmom. We have a large family. My ex husband and I have 6 children, I have 2 stepdaughters, and my husband and I are expecting our 2nd child together.... for a total of TEN! lol



Anyhoo, My 8 children live with us full time, 6 of them visit their dad every other weekend. Here's my issue. Their stepmother does not respect ANY boundaries. In fact, on circle of Moms she's listed all 6 of MY children as HERS. I listed my stepdaughters as well but I checked the box that stated I was the stepmom. She had "THE TALK" with my oldest daughter! I can never get that back! When I tried to talk to her about it, she basically said tough crap. She had everyone at church believing that MY children were HERS. We go to the same church. I clarified that very quickly.



I feel like I'm in the middle of "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle". I don't know how to resolve this because my ex can NOT stand up to his wife (either one!). She likes the attention she gets from letting everyone think she has a large family. Now I let most things go, but having "THE TALK" with my oldest was inexcusable. My husband respects my ex and the childrens' father and doesn't overstep his bounds even though they LIVE with us.



Anyway, sorry to vent on for so long. I would really appreciate some advice on this before I go postal!



Thanks so much!



Sasha

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Kim - posted on 09/10/2009

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sasha,

sometimes we need to vent. i also iam going through a very somewhat similiar situation. it is a very tough thing to have another person in our childrens life, i believe that if the child is not being negleted or harmed in any way look at as though the child is more loved. the children in blended families already don't get to share being with their biological parents so we need not let our emotions especially as women get in the way of our children. i absolutely believe there has to be some boundaries set early in the shared parenting between All parents involved. The biological parents have to be on the same page as to setting those boundaries "if the shoe were on the other foot"

alot of animosity,jeoulosy,and bad feelings have already been in play for whatever the situation may be in the long run it is best to calm the hurt in ur heart b/4 it affects the child. they don't know we as adults do. ur child if handled properly know and love their biological parents even though its tough to share certain events in our children when it may be the other parents visitation weekend. just remember to see the reflection in ur child if maybe u don't feel or see it now garenteed what good u r showing ur child to be that more caring,forgiving,loving person is the reflection even someone breaking boundary rules the pay off in the end is a happy successful loving child.

Remember to pick and choose those battles and if there is some hurt try and be amicable when a battle is between the adults only. its all about the children!!

trust me girl i'm on ur side and it is hard,hard hard but when you decide to state ur point remember is it ur emotion or the childs. like i said ur child loves u know matter if this other person had "the talk", signed up to be class mom, took ur child to the dr. w/out ur permission, seriously i could go on because i have been through it and been to the post office and back a few times, truly the peaceful non-drama route is way easier.

the are many more special moments in ur childs life that u will impact.

Have u talked to the step mom in regards to this? yes ideally she and he should have asked u first but that just shows u they are not on the same page w/ u. just kindly ask that u would prefer if she asked u first how things are being handled in this situation and given u at least the respect and courtesy to allow u to be the one to handle this problem, i'm sure dad had nothing to do with it except for just "whatever" or in that man mode. ask her that u will ask her next time if u need help and maybe when u do it won't be so bad to know u all can work together.

good luck with everything and ur in my prayers with this tough situation,

but when in doubt start praying about some serious strength.

if u need anything i'm here.

kim

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6 Comments

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Christine - posted on 04/03/2010

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I totally get that there are boundries and as a step mom there is a very fine line between what is apropriate for a step mother to do, all depending on your situation. My husband has 50/50 custody with his ex, so I get to see my step son a lot, a lot more than other step moms I know. When it comes to making decisions, I want to feel included too! I am the one who has the most flexible schedule, so I end up picking him up, taking him to the dr, researching the best preschool to send him to along with making sure he does his homework, talking to his teachers on how he is doing in school, going to school functions, but in the end, I have no say on what would be the best for the child I have come to know and love. Is there a happy medium or because I am the step mother I won't get to participate in things like mother's day or which dr is the best or n e thing? I just get to be the errand runner?

[deleted account]

That's awsom Rachael, we should all aspire to that kind of friendship between the parents, it is so great for the kids. It does take maturity from all parties though, so if one is willing and the other is out to lunch, like the sm of Sasha's kids, it just can be sooo frusterating! I have put myself out there way far to be as much a friend to my ss Mom, and as hard as it has been emotionally for me, (she's hasn't been anything but nice to me, it's just scary especially because my husband and her haven't really built many bridges since their divorce) it is definately paying off!

Rachael - posted on 09/28/2009

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I am a step mom but let me tell you what.. i would NEVER do that stuff. I treat the child like my own and both of us laugh when ppl say she looks like me but NEVER would i allow ppl to think she was my biological daughter. Her mother and I both had the talk with her and BOTH of us took her shpping for her first bra. I don't understand where this idea that two women who both love the same kids can't get along came from. I love my SD's Biomom and we try to do everything possible to make things better for her. we even get eachother gifts for mothers day. All I can suggest is to talk to her more. and explain how you feel.

Mel - posted on 09/20/2009

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What an asshole thing for her to do. I would be totally pissed as well. I know how hard it is when it feels like someone is trying to take over your role as a mother. And though you are appreciative of the love they give your child. they are still not their mother. Tell her to have her own damn kids and that no matter how badly she wants to, that she will never be their mother. Because you are never going to abandon your children.



Don't get me wrong on here. Some step moms are totally moms especially when the mother abandons thier children. And I am not angry at all but, how terrible it was of her to take that moment away from you. I think stepparents doing this and taking the firsts that should belong to a mother, brings on a competition mode, where it makes you attempt to be the first at things prior to when your child is ready. Talk to both your ex and the step mom together, letting her know how it affects your kids. Emphasizing "Your kids" in the conversation.

Amanda - posted on 09/05/2009

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I have a friend that just had the same issue with her daughter's step mom. Not only did the step mom have the talk with her daughter, but she also took her shopping for her first bra. My friend was furious. That is such a huge moment in a little girls life and if her mother is there and active in her life then NO ONE else has the right to take that moment for themselves.



I have 2 bonus kids from my husband, and 2 bio kids with my husband and they all live with us full time. I do get to have all of the great mommy moments like that, but it is only because their bm is not involved. She hasn't had a visit in over a year and hasn't called in over 2 months. If I didn't step up and take over as mom they wouldn't have a mom.



In your case, sm does not have the right. It is her job to make their time at their dad's house pleasant and fun, but it is not her job to be their mom. They have a mom. If your ex isn't willing to bring the subject up with her then you may have to. I can tell you I am a very active mother. All of my children are my life and if someone stepped in and tried to replace me I would feel just like you do. And I would probably have to tell her exactly how I felt about it and I can't promise I would be very nice about it!

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