Why do Birth moms hate the step mom so much

Penny - posted on 01/27/2010 ( 38 moms have responded )

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I am trying to figure out why my Husbands Ex hates me so much ?

She will just literally glare at me when ever she sees me , Is it because I am with her ex ?

Or maybe because I have the time with her son she use to have ? She gets him every other week .

she will ask the ss all the time about stuff going on over here , I feel she prods him for information .

Just wish I could understand why she is so hateful

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Birth mothers don't hate step-mothers. From my experience it has been the other way around. It looks like step-moms feel like they have to compete with the birthmom and are blinded to the fact that we dont care about petty issues such as what they do in their home. They also seem to think we want our ex husbands back. They are ex's for a reason hun.

Lori - posted on 04/11/2010

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Okay, I'm on both ends here so I hope you ladies don't proceed to tear into me. I'm a stepmom and a biomom of a child who has a stepmom. It's difficult. From what I've managed to read it sounds like your former men married people who are highly insecure. Happens a lot of the time with a lot of people. Hopefully, my experiences here will help both sides. My husband I became friends in 2001. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and I have two children from a previous relationship. I explained to my husband that I have never been a stepmom, never been in a situation that involved "step" other than the things I've seen and experienced through friends and other relationships because my parents have been married nearly forty years. I knew entering into the relationship that he had a child. I do not know nor do I understand how or why woman enter into relationships where they can not accept children into their homes and their lives inequally. I'm not saying that there hasn't been issues between myself and my daughter's biomom because I'd be outright lying. There are differences. But there's open communication all the way around. It works very much the same with my son's stepmom. There's open communication and respect for one another and we work together trying to make things as smooth for the kids as possible and when we hit difficult points we simply have to agree to disagree and try to make the decision for the children. We leave the step crap out. It's mom or dad or son or daughter. My daughter does not call me "mom" but Lori is fine, respectable, and understandable. My 12 year old son still stumbles when he comes home from his dad's with "Jenny, I mean mom, I mean~ugh!" I just assume he call his stepmom "Mom" then to have him feel like he's doing something wrong. The way we see it is our kids have 4 parents who love and care about them and they are blessed to have that. My sons are no less their stepmom's children as my daughter is mine when she's in my home and last year she added a new dad to her primary home and we feel he is no less her father or dad than my husband is. One suggestion is to be used as an icebreaker. Invite your ex and their signifigant other either over for dinner or out to dinner to get to know that person on a personal level. You have no clue what is being said regarding the past relationship and I hate to say it but kids are not 100% innocent in situations sometimes. There have been times when my son or daughter has mentioned things to the other party and it been completely misinterputed. The best thing to do is keep your cool, discuss with the child and discuss with other parents involved. Do not try to resolve conflict by becoming defensive in the situation or resolve conflict in the other parties home. When conflict arises in the other home we bring it right back to whichever party the conflict has arrisen. Another way we keep the conflict to minimal is to let the other party know what conflict if any has arisen over the course of visitations or periods of time when we have the children most. That way if the child mentions school problems or problems at home it's refered back to the correct party. We do not pry into any particular aspect of the other parent's personal life.

Lucie - posted on 04/19/2013

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Jealousy, that you have time with her son or ex. My husband's ex puts me down and ridicules me often. The kids tend to say things that she says and it is so hurtful but I just consider the source. We don't do that in our home, we speak and act respectfully and know in time the kids will figure it out.
My SD feels a strong loyalty towards her mom rightfully so, so she feels she has to put me down ( not right) and hate me to keep that loyalty and her mother's acceptance. Her mom, the bio mom, if she were more mature would encourage her daughter to be respectful but instead she encourages hateful, mocking behaviors. Sad. Her, the bio mom's attitude and behaviors are teaching the children very poor habits of disrespect. We have to rise above this and keep behaving honorably and in time you will be rewarded, probably with a better relationship with the children than what she will have.

Hollie - posted on 07/07/2011

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have you tried to talk to her? Be nice? Do you always side with your DH (naturally)? I always stay out of my DH's "divorce." thats on him!

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Kirstin - posted on 06/27/2014

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Don't know if this is still an active conversation. I have been with my now husband for 4 years. We recently got married. He has 2 daughters from his previous relationship (was never married) The BM and I never got off on the right foot. I don't agree with many choices she has made in the last 4 years. I've tried my best in all situations to be respectful of her. i do not ask for information on her via the children, i do not talk poorly about her around them or to them. My husband works away and is gone for long periods of time. I would like to see the girls even if for a day or for lunch or for dinner. I asked her and she said they would be busy all summer with lots of plans and I would see them when their dad was home. I replied to her that if at any time they have a free moment it would be really nice to see them even if their dad wasn't home. I just want some advice on how I can try and make a bridge towards the BM .... should I sit down and talk with her, right her an email? I'm not trying to replace or be better than her. I love the girls so much (I don't have any of my own) We enjoy spending time together, most times when they are over for their visit they spend more time with me than their Dad. I just want her to know she doesn't have to hate me...as much as she does.

EW - posted on 06/26/2014

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Not to be impolite, your stepchildren's mother is not a birth mom unless she placed them for adoption. She is their mother.

EW - posted on 06/26/2014

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My prospective:

1. You left my children with an uncle. He took a belt to my kids. Their father defended you.

2. You fail to adequately supervise my children and use mine to provide day care for yours.

3. You smoke in an enclosed vehicle and around my children when I have asked politely, repeatedly, for you to cease. Their father defended you on this.

4. When their father is spending time alone with his children, he must usually rush home to deal with your issues.

5. You post on the Net how proud you are of 'your' daughters~ which is amazing concerning one has met you twice, and the other never.

6. You introduce yourself as my children's mother despite their asking you not too. Their father defends you, again.

7. You held my son down and force fed him his medication.

8. My daughter has a medical condition and you assume your an expert.

9. You force yourself on my kids rather than allow them to warm up to you.

10. My daughter asked to be compensated for watching your children~ and you refused. You're cheap.

11. Said daughter asked for a bathing suit~ money is "tight," so you offered her one of yours, after you went shopping for something else.

12. You stand in the background when I attempt to resolve issues with my children's father and dictate how to raise my children.

13. I have tried to co-parent with you, and was somewhat successful until the child support stopped....despite him collecting an income. He managed to support YOUR children, but not mine. But I'm the vindictive one for taking him to court. (By the way, I notice you did the same thing!)

15. You aren't my children's mother and frequently overstep your boundaries. You have no respect for REASONABLE requests, so why should I like you?

Leslie - posted on 06/26/2014

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I think every situation is different. I have open communication with my sons father and his soon to be wife. We do everything for the benefit of our son and his happiness as well as his wellbeing. I do not have any jealousy towards his soon to be wife. She is great mom to her own son and as long and she treats my son the same we will never have conflict. Which she is a wonderful lady so I imagine it will be unlikely. Now my Fiancé's ex wife is a straight up psychopath. Most of her issues are due to her insecurities but she absolutely hates my guts. We live in a small town and she tells everyone what horrible people my fiancé and I are. I know it is because she has zero custody of her two children but she made that choice as she has repeatedly abandoned them...however she blames us. I can't even wrap my mind around her thought process. So I gave up. I have encouraged her to do things that are great for her kids as well as her but somehow it is my fault and my fiance's fault that she chooses not to be around them. It's just crazy.

Julie - posted on 12/18/2013

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I need advice... I have 2 kids my husband has a 3 year old that he recently got custody of. When she goes to her mother or mother's family she comes back very hateful, I dont love you, and acts out. Because of her age and her mother is very immature with the situation. I seem to get blamed for everything when i have done nothing but the best by her daughter so she puts these things in her head and the 1st couple days of her coming back home same action.. after a few days she is the same loving child she was before. I dont know how to respond when she says and does these things

Fire And Ice - posted on 12/06/2013

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I would have to say that it isn't always "hate". There are more opinions that differ between BM and SM and this is where the difficulties lie. There are also SMs who will overstep that invisible boundary trying to nurture and care for the stepchildren when BM is very active and able to provide the mother-role. It is in these situations that BM wishes it to be clear that she is mom and stepmom is like an extended family member. Someone who can support the children and be an example for them, but not a parental figure. Kind of like an aunt or cousin even.
Other times, BM has difficulties seeing her ex with another woman and hurt feelings that he can love someone else get in the way. It could have been BM who filed for divorce too. But that is beside the point. Women are emotional creatures who show their emotions vividly. Men will withhold and hide the raw emotions.

Megan - posted on 12/04/2013

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My 7 year old step-mom always post things like " My baby" or " My son"... It's my son. her step-son. I have asked her repeatedly not to try to tell people she is the biological mom. What should I do? She posts the things on a daily basis. people are even replying he looks just like her!! WHHHAATT!!??

Liz - posted on 11/16/2013

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BM and SM's I think normally fight b/c each person was raised differently and has differently beliefs on how to raise a child. And another reason some BM's and SM's don't get along is you have some telling the children well I don't have to take care of you well guess what you decided to get in a relationship with a person who has a child, by doing so you can either accept the responsibility that comes with being with that person or you can move yourself along. It is not the child's fault by any means. This is what really bothers me about the subject. I deal with something somewhat similar its a step mother in law and we are not on good terms mainly b/c she's self righteous and feels she can do no wrong, and is controlling and manipulative and feels she has excellent parent skills even though she never had her own children. That's another thing you can be a great parent without having children but I feel for some it is difficult to really understand what it is of being a parent. So many ppl out there who honestly should not be parents just like so many should not be pet owners.

Rebekah Aka Strong Stepmom - posted on 10/14/2013

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I have no idea! The Biomom in our case hated me from day one. She played it very well till after my wedding then she flipped her lid. I'm not sure why they hate us so much.

Annonymous - posted on 09/13/2013

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My situation is similar in some ways and dissimilar in others. I am a Bio Mom of three older children 23, 20 and 18. Their father is not in their lives so my husband is the only dad figure they have. They all love him but they call him by his first name. They consider him a great role model who loves them and "fathers them" but they hold on to the idea of having a bio dad too even though he is not in their lives at all. My Step-son is 14 but he came into my life when he was 7.5 years old. We love eachother and have a good relationship but his bio mom is difficult to deal with. When my husband finalized his divorce (which was due to her cheating on him and other reasons such as disrespect for finances etc.) she was in and out of her son's life. She was the one who filed for divorce and tossed my husband and his feelings to the curb but then I met him and we fell in love and we got married. She became jealous - even though she had boyfriends etc. After putting on a show for the court system to so that she could get alimony and child support, she eneded up just dropping her son off at our house about 75% of the time. She would go on several vacations a year with her boyfriend and then she would take a class in something that she would never finish and never seemed to have consistent time for her son. She told him that he better never call me mom and manipulated his mind and made him feel guilty about loving me. It was terrible for him. She is a bully with him and then talks baby talk to him and tells him she loves him. It's nutty if you ask me. Eventually we obtained full custody of my step-son and she only sees him for 2 overnights a month. Not b/c that is what we asked for but b/c that is what she is willing to give him. I never pressure my step-son to call me mom or behave any certain way. He loves the consistency he has at our home and the fact that we live in the town he grew up in so he still has all of his friends etc. His birth mother moved away to be closer to her boyfriend. We do all the schooling, all the feeding and healthcare and sports and party pick-up and drop offs. She didn't see him for Mother's Day and she didn't show up to his 8th grade dance and there are lots of things she has missed out on but she always tells him that she is his mother and I am not. She speaks of me as though I am a hired nanny to care for my step son 99% of the tiime so that she can take him to a movie once a month and remind him who gave birth to him. My husband and I call her the "egg donor" who has issues with reality. When my step son was home sick with 103 fever during the Christmas holiday, she came to see him once for 10 minutes and then left. She can be very impossible and yells at him when he doesn't remember to call her when she says he should. She is not the mom she should be but makes him feel guilty for not responding to her and giving her glory as his "real mother". Meanwhile I am the one who in reality is doing everything for him. He has a Mom/Son event for his football team coming up and I am on the committee to plan it. She does not participate in anything. He said although he loves me he feels weird if he was there with me instead of her and then he said but he doesn't want to tell her about it b/c she doesn't deserve to be ther with him so he would rather skip the entire thing. Her behavior has destroyed him emotionally. It is sad to watch b/c he loves her and wants her to be the mom he pictures in him mind she should be, but she never comes through for him. Being a mom comes easy to me and I have great relationships with all of my birthchildren and my step son, but having her in and out of our lives making very little effort but wanting all of the glory is really tough for me. My husband supports my role in his son's life 100%. He deals with the ex as much as he can but always reminds her who I am in her son's life despite what she feels. The reality is that I am the one there 24/7. I work full-time and yet I spend more time with my step son than she does. She also has another older son that she did not raise either. That boys father also raised him and she only had visitation in the summer and sporadically throughout the year. I could never imagine life without my child in my home full time but for her...it's all about her and her needs and her life. Being a step-mom in this situaiton has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. She was very nasty to me in the begining and then she was nicer but never really genuine. I had hoped she would change and that we could have a better relationship for our son's sake but she is not really interested.

Tammy - posted on 07/28/2013

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My husbands ex hates me also.... I've tried getting along with her... But my trying always ends in her being angry because I treat the kids as my own. I'm the woman raising them... They live with us and she sees the kids maybe one weekend a month. She has threatened me and called me names.

Cee - posted on 05/29/2013

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My husband's ex-wife, the mother of his 2 daughters, told me once that she blamed me for him talking to her the way he does because he didn't do that when they were married. She also often says that he chose to follow me to live in my home state instead of following her to her home state where there children lived. The background on this is, she left him & took the kids while he was away training in the military. She didn't tell him for about a week after she packed their home & was gone. He had a lot of resentment toward her for this. I can't blame him for his feelings toward her but I also tried to stay out of that. She began emailing me nasty messages talking bad about my husband in an attempt to get me to leave him when the kids told her Daddy had a girlfriend. Even on our wedding day, she was texting me.She told him in an email that I would probably leave him because of what she had told me about him. I had determined that I would learn on my own & discovered that most of the tales were not true, she told me years later that she was just angry that he didn't follow her to be a family. She & I have had our disagreements over the years, mostly her talking bad about us to the kids. We found out when they came to visit & said "Mom said you & Daddy...". This bothered me, so I called her to try to talk things out with her about it confusing the kids. She told me they are her children & she will say whatever she h3ll wants to them. The straw that broke the camel's back was after we got married. The kids asked their Dad if they could call me "Mom" now, he was overjoyed & said yes, if I was okay with it. Then they asked me. I told them that if they wanted to, it was ok but they needed to remember that I was not their Mother & I just wanted them to feel like they had an extra "Mom". When they got home from their visitation with us, she flew off the handle after they told her they have 2 Moms now, punishing the kids for calling me that, calling my husband screaming at him for it & then emailing me some more nasties. I told her what I told the kids & said, I was not trying to take her place. She then called my mother in-law to ask her to talk to her son about the disrespect toward her we were allowing. She told her that she should be happy that they have a stepmom that loves their father AND them enough that they feel comfortable with calling me that and that she should be happy that the kids feel loved in both homes. Occasionally the conversation had come back up when she gets mad, frustrated, or whatever because she is still alone. It has been an up/down "battle". The interrogation from the bio-mom has happened in our home too. We've told our kids to just tell their mother to simply "Ask Dad" because they don't want to be in the middle. She was furious with that response. It took some time but the questioning eventually stopped/slowed. Now, after 6 years, she has given us custody of the oldest child and in the future, the youngest may come too (it has been mentioned in the past week).
My point is, you will never really understand why she acts the way she does & it can be exhausting trying to make sense of it. The best thing I can suggest is to continue to be fair & loving to your SS. Remind him that things may not seem fair right now or seem uncomfortable but everything will get better in time and that all of you love him.It will take endurance, patience & thick skin on your part. I hope this helps.

Beranda - posted on 05/22/2013

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Unless the step mother is a horrible person, I find it has more to do with the insecurities of the bio-mom. My husband has 2 older girls by two different women and we have a child together. One if them HATES me and claims its because I'm bitter, jealous, and think I'm better than her and the other mother. Funny thing is, the other mother and I get along just fine! It sounds to me like she is the one who is all those things especially when she says things like, "you have the life I was supposed to live". PLUS I think she's upset because "her" daughter never wants to come home. But it's not that one place is better than the other, it's just that thy are completely different atmospheres, our happens to be child focused (due to my teaching background), and her is adult focused because of all the adults that live there. I have tries to include her and her other children in our activities and she has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me and if it were up to her, her daughter wouldn't have anything to do with us either.

Ginny - posted on 12/31/2012

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my husbands ex hates me too-but if i have ever had anything unkind to say to her-and i have a few times-i personally write an email. even my steps tell me they have NEVER heard me badmouth their mom. the birthmother in this situation is a jealous, insecure, manipulative, greedy liar. she is also an alcoholic-and when she gets really ripped her kids see her for who she really is. they are in their 20s-they are not stupid. she is only driving them further and further away with her antics-and i have NOTHING to do with it-but she sees me as her nemesis-the bane of her existence. she better straighten up-or she is really going to turn her kids away from her. she thinks i am trying to "steal" her children. they are men for Gods sake!

Sara - posted on 07/21/2012

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Just keep smiling and making your own home comfortable for your step son. There is really nothing else you can do with BMs like this. I am in the exact same boat, have been for going on 8 years. I tried to open communication. I used to say hello only to get glares and gritted teeth responses so I feel that makes for an uncomfortable situation for SS so I just leave her alone. She is just threatened by my presence with her son. I've spent a lot of time trying to understand and trying to find the answers like you are, but honestly, don't waste your time, energy, or heart. Distance yourself as much as you can. Don't ever talk bad about her. She will most likely lie about you and your husband and, as in my case, tell your SS to hate you. I just respond with I don't understand why she thinks that, she must be mistaken, and then tell the truth but don't go on. Don't push for or expect anything more with her and just know you are doing everything right and have every right to be in your SS's life. I used to feel guilty for anything I did and it took talking to other step moms, as I never had one myself, to learn I was doing what I was supposed to and that I was pretty normal and actually not over stepping any boundaries. Just understand that whatever difficulties you and the Dad are dealing with, your Step is probably dealing with it a lot harder. There can be a lot of heartbreak in this kind of situation. Also, it was helpful to learn as much as possible about Parental Alienation, which is what the lying is trying to accomplish. Know and understand all of your husband's rights. Once I was in the picture my DH had to fight to have anything or be included in anything.

Diana - posted on 07/20/2012

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I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now I have 4 kids of my own age is 2118 15 and 9. My 9 year old lives with me the older 2 are on their own already in have a baby in my 15 year old son is in japan with his biological father For a few years because I thought it would be a wonderful experience for him. My boyfriend has 2 daughters ages 11 and 9. When I met them their mother was not a part of life at all for the past year because she was off with her boyfriend Then she decided to become a part of their life again Which is good because I firmly believe that both mother and father should be a part of their kids life. They recently went to mediation for their divorce finally because she was pregnant and in texas cannot get divorced while she is pregnant. My boyfriend has always been the primary person involved from day 1 in their life And the girls have always express they want to live with him and I. The past few months their mother has been coaching them and telling them what bad people we are and turning the girls against him. They told him 2 weeks ago that they prefer to live with their mother full time even though they're mom and her boyfriend fight all of the time and their mother is constantly verbally abusive And has had to cps cases against her for hitting her kids. It has really upset my boyfriend And he decided to give her primary custody and just see them every other weekend. I feel he should of fucked harder for them to be primarily here since we have them about 75 percent of the time But their mother has brainwashed him so he just pretty much gave in
Now that it is all said and done is the older daughter is calling him everyday and texting everyday to him saying that she does not want to be with her mother anymore and he basically tells her that she is going to live in the bed she made for a while. I never say anything negative or bad about their mother and neither does my boyfriend but their mother is always bad mouthing us. I am not sure if it is because she was out of their life for so long and came back into it and is trying to get even with my boyfriend For some reason. Mother has convinced the girls that my 9 year old daughter is taking their father away from them which is not true we treat each and every 1 of the kids equally. It is just frustrating because I don't know what to think or anything like that because I am finishing up my psychology degrees so my boyfriend is always asking me my opinion. I give him my opinion but always let him know that it is ultimately what he feels and thinks is appropriate not what I think and feel. Anyway I just think it's kind of odd that now that the divorce proceedings are done the girls wanna come live with us now and step mom all of the sudden has no issues with me picking them up or Zen coming over here at all anymore it's like it just all of a sudden stop

because she states that her affairs are justified. She is a very controlling and manipulative person and I really feel bad for the girls. They are now be coming a little upset because they feel my 9 year old daughter is going to be calm his primary focus

User - posted on 01/13/2012

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Read 'I Hate His/Her Ex' By Alex Cooper. I was having loads of problems with my fiance's ex and after reading this book, have resolved nearly all of the issues that were causing a problem in my relationship. :) xx

User - posted on 01/03/2012

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I just read I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper. You can get it on Amazon or other bookstores. It helped me to deal with so many issues that I had with my fiance’s ex - who I really hated!! Now, my relationship is perfect :) xxx

Lana - posted on 09/25/2011

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Hi, I am new to this site and i have to say thank you, thank you, thank you. I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man that has 5 children from a previous marriage three of which were not his biological children. His ex started cheating on him and when she left she left all of the children there. I am still trying to wrap my head around that whole concept. They were seperated for 4 years before i came into the picture. She made no intentions of getting back together until we started getting serious. Fast forward to now it has been a long year and a half of games and back handed things. What i dont understand because i came into the relationship with two children of my own is how do you with hold your kids from seeing the other parent. Why do people use their kids as leverage. He pays child support and still cant see his daughter. He has court appointed visitation but it is never followed. What can be done??? It hurts him everytime he calls for his child and he can hear his ex in the background prompting the child to ask all kinds of questions. If he says one thing that she does not like that we cant see her. Thank God all of the other children are older and can make choices for themselve. Please, any helpful advice you can give i will take.

Penny - posted on 09/10/2011

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I have tried to talk to her , She has been texting me issues and not dealing with DH so much . This seems to help some what .

I tell her I want to work with her for the sake of our son .

Tara - posted on 09/07/2011

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We have my step daughter full time and her bio mom tells everyone I'm her bes friend.....It was not easy but I felt it was better for Samantha if we got along. I always call her to update her her on school, doctors and anything going on in Samantha life. I can honestly say our friendship is real. My husband and I have a 3yr old son who calls his sisters bio mom Aunt Melissa and her 2 oter daughters(not my husbands kids) his cousins. You have to try to make it work remeber YOU were the person she did not know who is now a big part of her childs life. How would you feel if you were in her shoes. I'm not saying its easy to start the friendship but now we don't have to work at it it is as natural as my other friendships. We even have gone out for girls nights. We made it work for our child. She will always be a part of your life not just until your SS turns 18 so try to make it better.

Mechelle - posted on 08/22/2011

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Not all BM are the same. I am a BM and was a SM twice. I gave the BM in my situations complete access to their children never denied contact, informed of appointments both school or dr, school activites.I was on good terms with the BM's.In my situation it helped taking the middle man out which is the husband/ boyfiriend. Have a friendly chat with the BM to set boundares woman to woman. Now dealing with the current SM, when I first meet her, she told me how I need to raise my daughter or she will take her away from me.Needless to say we started off on the wrong foot. I am the type that I will stand up to ya. It was like to goats butting heads for awhile. Then I realized I need to be better person. Now I smile and compliment her,say great things about her to my daughter and it has done wonders for my daughters relationship. However, The SM still nam calls, bad mouths, talks abou the past as thoug she was there for every minute. Hope this helps just remember notevery one is the same.

Kyleigh - posted on 07/18/2011

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i agree maybe she needs to let out all the "unfairness," that she thinks your DH has done in the past, once that is out on the table maybe she can overcome all the frustration. Im very frustrated with my ex. He thinks he can get away with just about anything!
If I were to have a family meeting I sure wouldnt want his wifey around shes pro him of course and not open to hear anyone but feel her "dh's," side.
Talking to my ex will not help matters, like at all! so thats out of the question for both of our households. He simply doesnt do what is best for the kids.

Penny - posted on 07/18/2011

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I have tried to talk to her several times , When I see my DH being unfair to her , I tell him ! or vise versa if she is not being fair I tell her that we all 4 her and BF me & DH need to work together for the sake of SS . I have been the one to schedule family meetings between the 4 of us if something needs to be discussed .. They are still so spiteful granted its only been little over 2 years since the divorce . if we have the ss on a week and its her birthday DH Wwouldn't let her have him for even 2 hours for a birthday dinner , and vise versa . I tell DH it has to start someplace someone has to step out in faith and be nice ( BE THE BIGGER PERSON ) He says she won't return the favor next time on his Birthday . I tend to have to agree

For the past two years she has refussed to let us see the SS on his Birthday , But I have told them both they are only hurting their son ... He shouldn't be kept from Brithday celebrations with his parents just because they have issues , And their issues aren't his !!! So I try to listen to both sides of the fence on issues they each have and try to make things work for everyone ..

Kyleigh - posted on 07/10/2011

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This forum is for BM s who deal with SMs.
There are tons of SM 's communities but to answer your question i dont have the "SM," of my children, I just strongly dislike her for many good reasons. She knows and lets abuse to my child....I left him because of the abuse, now she is scared to have "nothing," and refuses to leave because she doesnt want to work. He isnt that GREAT of a provider. I know she see's the abuse of BD s bad temper, angry violent ways but she is JUST as guilty for letting this behaviour go on!!! Plus the CONSTANT bashing about me to my childs school is dispickable!

Bernadette - posted on 06/07/2011

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Sounds to me that she is very insecure with the bond you have with her child.

Lindsey' - posted on 11/28/2010

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Hello!

I am a BIO mother, and I also have a step mother, and my daughter has a step mother. I do not dislike my daughters Step Mother. Sometimes I find her annoying, especially since they have taught or coached my daughter into calling her "mommy". But we can be in the same room, we can talk, it isn't forced or strained. I speak my peace when I feel necessary. I told my daughter's father that as long as he and his wife respected me and my child they would never have interference from me.

Sometimes it is the BIO mom who is at fault. They harbor old feelings and see the dad doing the things they wanted him to do while the were together. This can easily create resentment towards the Step Mother. She is getting the 40 acres and the mule, while the Bio Mom has to watch. But hey, life if life and you get over things. The longer Bio Moms hold onto those bad feelings the longer they will be unhappy. And I must admit, sometimes the Bio Moms feel insecure themselves. Or intimidated by the Step Mom. Being a mother is a consuming feeling, no one likes to question if there is this new person over there doing something different or better.

Oh, and you want to talk about the dad's finding clones... my daughter's dad found one with the same birthday as me. I tell her Happy birthday every year =)

Elizabeth - posted on 10/06/2010

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Megan,

Its so funny when my sons stepmom first saw my picture i had short highlighted blonde hair. She had very brittle blonde hair with dark roots. Well anyway she goes out and got her hair cut super short, tight perm and dyed it red. she looked like a poodle lol.



I guess she didn't want to look like me.

Angie - posted on 04/16/2010

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I am both a bio mom and a step mom. My older two kids live withn their dad and their step mom full time and I love her to death for being there for my kids when I can't be. The first time I met her, my ex husband gave her and a few minutes alone and I explained that I knew she cared deeply for my ex and our kids and while she would be seeing them every day, I would always be their mom and as long as she was good with that we would never have an issue. My ex MIL even talked to her and explained that while she is a part of the family, I am mom 100% of the time. She was great about it. She knows how hard it is for me to be away from my kids and has never tried to be their mom, just someone who loves them very much and cares about them. My ex and UI talked to the kids together and explained that they are to mind their SM and respect her just like she is me, but I am always there for them. My hubby and I go to my exes house for visits with my kids and we take our whole family (akll 4 other kids) and SM is always very kind to us. She and my ex have recently had a baby of their own and and I could not be happier for them! My ex and my kids are 19 and almost 17 and now they have a baby to help with. I tease the SM that she may have just helped us more then any of us ever could imagine with birth control education! My hubby, my ex ,SM and myself all do what is best for the kids. We know we are joined for life thru our kids and we can either make them great together or tear them apart! We celebrate the milestones of our kids together. At my son's graduation we all sat together and cheered him on....My parents, his parents, my brother, his brothers family, my uncle, my hubby and our kids, my ex and his pregnant wife, her parents and her brother and his partner! My son was very happy we were all there for him!

If I could change one thing, it would be that SM would include my daughter a little more in "girl" things....like going to scrap book parties and movies and such. Both share those interests but the SM does not invite my daughter to join her. I think both are too shy to ask the other but they do scrap book together at home.

As for being a step mom....Oh baby....i feel you there. My husbands ex wife HATES me. She would like to blame me for their entire break up and has said things like I am the reason they are not back together but what she does not understand is she had plenty of time to do what needed to be done to keep her marriage and she made the choices she did to destroy it. She went out and got pregnant 2 times before the divorce was final. She fought my husband every step of the way through their divorce and made his life a living hell afterwards also. She has been living with her boyfriend for longer than my husband and I have even known each other but she still trys to get time alone with my hubby. It never works. He has no desire to be around her and after some of the things she has pulled we document everything. I know there is nothing I can do to change how she feels or what ever stuff she wants to pull so I just let it go for the most part and its happening less and less so she must be getting bored or realizing that she is not getting the attention she wants. I just focus on the kids and making sure they know I love them no matter what. Most recently Bio Mom made comments about my daughter and I was at the end of my rope that day. I called her with my husband listening and told her that it was not acceptable for her to say anything about my child and I would not tolerate it. I told her that I have 6 children, hers included, and I would never let anyone do anything that hurt any of them. She was totally surprised that I confronted her and told her if she had a problem she was welcome to deal with me on a one on one basis, but that none of the children were to be involved. She does not have to like me but I damn well derserve respect and she will give it to me.

Hope things get better for you!

Penny - posted on 02/19/2010

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Well we both had kids before we met , I love my step son and have only been his step mom since Sept . Although I have been living with him and my husband since June of last year . I don't do any of the stuff you were talking about . My husband and I try to work together for teh good of all kids .

My frustration with the BM comes from her holding my stepson back . I feel she baby's him way to much and makes it hard for us when he comes back to our home .

She is even still letting him use toddler forks and spoons . I am trying to get him use to being a big boy , And he says his mom baby's him

He is 5 years old , We have tried to even have a family meeting with her and her Fiance' to see if we could get the same structure at both homes so he has the same routine .

But she won't have it , She seems to have no structure at her house at all where he is concerned .

I am very concerned about him .

Megan - posted on 02/19/2010

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OK being on both ends of the stick here. I can say that I personally dont like my sons step mom for a couple of reasons.

1. she brow beats for info on me and my personal life.

2. she has said some hurtful things to my son (only for sons word) but when he comes home in tears you can kind of beleive it.

3. She tries everything to copy me from hair to color of hair right down to nails.

4. she treats my son totally different then there together children.

5. my son feels like an outsider in there home.

6. refuses to let father handle things ei with me

oh the list can go on trust me. lol

but on the other foot

I realise its so hard walking in to a ready made family situation. I let my step daughter call me megan or mom really which ever she likes as long as it respectful. I have been in her life for 2 years and it hasn't been all peaches and roses let me tell you.

I just told her from the get go that I'm here because I love her father and I'm not wanted to take place of her mother. She has one but I'm willing to be her friend. So far things or calm but things always happen right. I pretty much let my boyfriend Jim deal with issues pretaining to her and her mother and it works.

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