Sabrina - posted on 07/03/2010 ( 1 mom has responded )
When I was fourteen, I knew that I was pregnant. No one else in my family did. I knew, if I told them what this would turn out to be. So I did everything in my power, to hide it from anyone and everyone. No one knew, until I was six months along. When that time finally came, and my mom found out, she tried to make me get rid of my child. Well, that was not going to happen. What was a kid going to do? I knew I couldn't support my child, no matter what I wanted to do. I was only 14.
My mom hid my pregnancy from anyone, and everyone. I wasn't allowed out of the house, nor allowed around anyone who did not live in the house. I'll never forget, the time, someone came over to the house, and they were not expected to come. We were eating dinner. My mom threw a pillow in front of me, as fast as she could, to hide my baby bump.
I missed my first semester of High School. The doctor wrote a letter, saying that I had mono. Excuse after excuse was made for this. Lies, were weaved upon lies. People's lives were tainted.
On September 1, 1992 I turned 15. Six days later, I would go into Labor. My mom had finally taken on the stance, that I was not giving up my child the way that -She- wanted me too. Instead, I opted for adoption.
We found a lawyer, who gave me books to look at. The first 10, I didn't like. Not at all. And then. Later on that day. I found them. I found his parents. As soon as I started reading their book. I just knew. But low and behold, they did not know.
It was really late. I remember that much. I started feeling the pains. I woke up my mom, and she took me to the hospital. Everything seemed so surreal to me, at that point. I knew in my mind, that I was going to have this child. But I did not want anyone around me when I had the baby. But I really did not have a choice about it.
I remember when the Anesthesiologist came into the room. My hair was very long at that time. He told me "You have such beautiful long hair. And you're not crying out in pain. So different to hear."
My son, Jeremy was born six days after I turned 15. We both share a few things in common. Both of our birthdays fall in September. And they both fall on Labor Day.
His parents, did not even know about him yet. They did not even know, that they had been chosen by me, to adopt him. They would soon be in the shock of their lives.
I remember holding him, all night. Just so I could try to remember exactly what he looked like. Knowing that I would not see him again. It really broke my young heart. But at the same time, there was no way that I was ever going to be able to raise him right, for one thing. And the other. I was NOT about to let him into the situation at home that I was in.
I left the hospital 24 hours after he was born. Going home. Alone. Then came the day that I would get to meet his amazing parents face to face. I knew, that they were the right people. Even more so. They were so amazing. And just so, loving.
I knew I got some letters. But they made me cry when I saw his pictures. I found out much later on, that my mom started hiding the letters from me. Until one day, I checked the mail first, and found out that they were moving to Kansas. After that, I just cried and cried. Really, I wasn't sure why. But I just lost it. My mom found me on the bedroom floor, curled up. Crying over that letter. I will never forget the words that she said to me. "If I had known, that was coming in the mail, you would of never of gotten that letter." Needless to say, I never saw another letter after that day.
After I graduated High School, I moved out. After I turned 20, I contacted his adoptive parents again. I just needed to know, how he was doing. Things at this point, were so hard for me. There was NEVER a day, that I did not think about him. He was always in my heart.
I was in a bad place in my life at that point. Not only, was a piece of me, with an amazing family. But I had just lost my daughter. She was stillborn. I just wondered over and over, what had I ever done, to deserve this. Why me? I did not understand any of this at all. I lost myself in grief for a long time. I lost contact with his parents, because I could not bring myself to let others see what I was going through. It made me feel even weaker.
I truly believe, that my thoughts of Jeremy that I had everyday, helped me through those very hard times.
Over eight years ago, I meet my husband, Dan. Things really started to change. But for the better. No more abuse. No more downward spirals. No more negativity in my life. Someone that actually loved me, for who I was. Me.
I was still healing from the loss of my daughter. He helped me to do that everyday. I told him all about Jeremy. He encouraged me to get in touch with his adoptive parents, to see how he was doing. I finally did again. For the last three or four years, I have been talking to his dad. Seeing how he is, from a distance. Knowing he was doing well, helped so much.
His dad, contacted me this year. Nothing new. Until he told me that he wanted me to meet Jeremy. Oh... then I started getting nervous. So very nervous. What if he didn't like me? What do I do? What if he is mad at me? I can't blame him! What do I tell him about my past? I need to be honest with him. But that is going to be so hard!! But I so want to see him.
It was a few months later, that his dad called me back again. Telling me, that Jeremy had gotten engaged, and was getting married in September. I was blown away!! And then he told me, that they wanted me to come! HOLY COW. But me... I am scared. I hear it from his dad, but not from him. I am going to be stepping on toes. I so do not want to do that. Ever.
And then, this last week has been just so amazing, and a roller coaster of emotions. Jeremy added me to his Face Book. That was the first step. And we started talking. Every time I talk to him, my hands start to shake. And I have this HUGE grin on my face. So scared, yet so excited at the same time.
Then, I get to talk to him, on the phone. I was so scared that I was going to say something wrong. I know we were both very scared, yet we both need to know about one another.
Today, we decided that we are going to see each other in August. I'm nervous. Scared. Excited. He is such an amazing young man. And, I am so over joyed that I get to be a part of his life. I am so over joyed that his parents always told him that he was adopted. I am so VERY blessed, to of had the chance, to have him. My past, is not that wonderful. But my future is. It is bright, and shining. I am so Blessed to of found his parents. I would never change anything in my life.
I love my son, Jeremy. And his amazing parents. And there is not enough ways, that I can say thank you to them.