Marla - posted on 03/21/2010 ( 1 mom has responded )
I just made it through the first week after giving my baby to a wonderful family. I have 2 daughters, aged 3 and 20mo, and was already struggling in many ways, but I knew early in this pregnancy that I had to consider all the facets of having another child. I decided based on what would be best for all 3 of my children--continuing to give attention and love and patience to my girls, ensuring my newborn would have all the love and attention it needed and more than I could provide at this time. Also my relationship with the father (same with all 3) came into play, but that's another long story. I know in my heart that I could have done it, raised them all and they would most likely turn out okay...but in that same place I know I would've driven myself crazy trying to be the maximum in every way, probably falling back to habits like those in my relationship with the father. I have already gotten my first picture and it is so beautiful. I knew the adoptive mother all my life and her husband is a good guy too. I trust them to be exactly what their children need (they have 3 already, this is their 4th) and they weren't shy about thanking me and letting me know how grateful they were that I would give them such a gift.
All of that taken into consideration, I still wonder how I am going to deal with this. What will I tell my daughters, when is it okay to talk to them about it? Am I cold or detached if I don't feel sad or want to cry? My family was supportive throughout and is even more so now that it is final...I wonder if they will let it fade into a past decision or still let me talk to them about it. So many things that haven't had time to sort themselves out yet.
I am taking it one day at a time, that wonderful cliche we can all rely on. The counselor told me that since I am a writer that maybe a journal will hep if I feel sad, angry, confused, anything like that. I bought a notebook to maybe get me started but I can't even doodle in it--it's empty and I can't have a single thought at a time or find a starting point to make it come out onto paper.
I'm happy that I made a choice I believe in, but so many what-ifs are plaguing me tonight.