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My first week

Marla - posted on 03/21/2010 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I just made it through the first week after giving my baby to a wonderful family. I have 2 daughters, aged 3 and 20mo, and was already struggling in many ways, but I knew early in this pregnancy that I had to consider all the facets of having another child. I decided based on what would be best for all 3 of my children--continuing to give attention and love and patience to my girls, ensuring my newborn would have all the love and attention it needed and more than I could provide at this time. Also my relationship with the father (same with all 3) came into play, but that's another long story. I know in my heart that I could have done it, raised them all and they would most likely turn out okay...but in that same place I know I would've driven myself crazy trying to be the maximum in every way, probably falling back to habits like those in my relationship with the father. I have already gotten my first picture and it is so beautiful. I knew the adoptive mother all my life and her husband is a good guy too. I trust them to be exactly what their children need (they have 3 already, this is their 4th) and they weren't shy about thanking me and letting me know how grateful they were that I would give them such a gift.

All of that taken into consideration, I still wonder how I am going to deal with this. What will I tell my daughters, when is it okay to talk to them about it? Am I cold or detached if I don't feel sad or want to cry? My family was supportive throughout and is even more so now that it is final...I wonder if they will let it fade into a past decision or still let me talk to them about it. So many things that haven't had time to sort themselves out yet.

I am taking it one day at a time, that wonderful cliche we can all rely on. The counselor told me that since I am a writer that maybe a journal will hep if I feel sad, angry, confused, anything like that. I bought a notebook to maybe get me started but I can't even doodle in it--it's empty and I can't have a single thought at a time or find a starting point to make it come out onto paper.

I'm happy that I made a choice I believe in, but so many what-ifs are plaguing me tonight.

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1 Comment

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Brandee - posted on 03/26/2010

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Hi Marla, I think that we all go thru the "what-if" stage even though we know it was the best decision for everyone. It has been 18 years since I gave my daughter up and every once in a while I ask myself what-if.... If your family was supportive during all of this, the they might be open enough to let you continue to talk about it with them....hopefully. Maybe keep them in the loop by showing pictures and stuff of the baby. My family did go thru a period that they didn't talk about it with me, but I found out that it was because they were afraid that it would upset me if they did. I have an open adoption and most of my family is involved with her and are close to her like I am. I just had my second child a couple of months ago and I plan on telling him everything about his big sister. Since your children were there before this one, I am not sure how to give advise on that one. But they are young and I believe if you are taught something at a young age they will except things easier....maybe keep them involved in the pictures and letters and visits, if you are doing that. They might not understand why their sibling is not home with them, but at least they will know them, if you want them to know

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