How can I convince my husband that having a gf for us is not a replacement for him?

Denise - posted on 06/11/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I am a bisexual mom who has never had any real experiences with other women.My husband knows this about me and was pretty accepting until recently.I asked him if he would mind if I found us a girlfriend.I want someone who can be a good friend to both of us to talk to and hang out with and sometimes do more with just me or all 3 of us.

He actually said yes we could do that and suggested I try looking on bi dating sites.So,I joined one and started finding people suggested as matches.I told him about anyone I was interested in to decide whether to contact them or not.After a few weeks I was getting discouraged at the lack of options for people in my area or with similar interests and he must've noticed.He confronted me about it and got more upset as the conversation went on.He began saying that I was putting too much into it and it should be something to do every now and then for fun.then he told me that I was on an emotional roller coaster everytime I found a match or didnt see anyone interesting and he wonderd if I would be that unstable if we found someone.He even went as far as saying that he worries that I'll end up falling in love with the girl after we start fooling around.The one that took the cake was when he said that he feels like he cant trust me now and wonders if I already found someone.The conversation ended with him telling me I'd better delete my acct on the site or we'll have a huge problem.

Unfortunately,he was right about a few things he said so I just took the verbal beatdown quietly.I admit that I was quite excited when I saw that it may actually work to find someone.I probably should've limited my time on the site a bit more and not let it get to me either way.However,in my defense,I only suggested it in the 1st place because I feel like I need to embrace my sexuality to feel complete.I still want to have experiences with women but I dont want to do it without my husband knowing or being involved.I also need something different for myself.I am a SAHM of 2 young kids and I have virtually no social lifeI told my husband that although my goal is to find a gf for us,I could always just be friends with someone if it doesnt work out for more.I looked at it as a win/win situation.

Now it has been a few weeks since the big fight and my deleting my dating site membership.I can honestly say I feel somewhat duped.Most guys would love to have their SO approach them with an idea like this.I actually want my husband to allow us to have threesomes with another woman.I dont know if he just has serious trust issues but I cant believe he would accuse me of cheating.I wanted to ask him how in the hell would I do it with 2 kids all the time and no one to keep them for me.

Well,as you can see,Im getting upset again just recalling the story.Anywho,I feel like he is holding me back from being who I am.We've been together 4yrs and married for 3.I have never given him any reason to suspect anything or think I want to be with someone else.I just want to do this for something fun we can experience together.I wish I could just forget about the whole thing but I cant get it off my mind.Is there a way to approach the topic again without upsetting him?Should I try to explain that it's something I need to do for myself?Any feedback is appreciated-good or bad.

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Denise - posted on 06/12/2012

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Thanks for responding ,Louise. I definitely understand your point and have thought about this before. I am only shocked about his reaction because of his stance on the issue in the past. I actually had a bi friend of mine who I kept in touch with from college and decided to stop flirting with her since meeting my husband.However,she contacted me sometime last yr, while I was pregnant with my younger child ,and wanted to come over.I told my husband about it and he actually tried to set up a sexual encounter for her and me by sending her racy texts from my phone when I wasnt around. We did end up fooling around since I knew he was ok with it.He even walked in from work and saw us and decided to join in.

The whole thing actually turned out to be a horrid experience for me because I was not even remotely turned on by her anymore.She had a weird smell and was way too rough and couldnt finish me off.So after that I told my husband that I was giving up on having things happen with other women.He actually told me I just needed to find the right person and even suggested going out to a bar or club and finding a girl to bring home with us.We never did anything since the incident last yr but he knew I wasnt really over it.

He always told me that he would support me in doing whatever makes me happy.He said this when I asked him about looking for someone almost as if I didnt need to ask his opinion.I was actually trying to move on with our life together but since he kept trying to set things up for me I finally let myself believe it was okay.Now that I actually want to try again he makes a big deal about it.He was fine with it when he suggested it and I refused but now that I want to ,suddenly I cant be trusted.I may be kinda rambling on but I dont understand why he changed his mind.I feel like he's playing mind games with me instead of telling me what he really feels.I've been completely honest about everything from the beginning so he has no reason whatsoever to question my loyalty.

Louise - posted on 06/12/2012

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I think it has to be difficult for any man to accept that he is not enough for his wife. He is feeling hurt that you have brought this up after 3 years of marriage. Maybe he thought it had gone away and that you were settled. I know he agreed to you finding a female friend but at the end of the day he must feel quite hurt about it all. How would you feel if he was looking for a straight woman to mess about with? He loves you and wants a normal relationship. You have a desire to explore more, until he is comfortable with this you are going to have to tread carefully.

May be your marriage is not strong enough to support another person in it. Think very carefully what you want more, a marriage and life with this man or to explore your sexuality, I am sad to say at this present time, it looks like you cant have both!

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