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Fiance blaming me for my kid's behaviours

Kate - posted on 10/12/2011 ( 3 moms have responded )

3

0

I've been living with my partner and now fiance for over 5 yrs. We have a 3 yr old togeher and I have three older childen from my previous marriage. Two of my older ones, a 16 yr old girl and my 12 yr old son are living with us too. My 14 yr old daughter is living with her dad in another province.

Anyhow, my fiance grew up as an only child by a very strict and abusive parent. He learned at a very early age to be independent, to feed himself, bring himself to school, and to clean up his dirty dishes after every meal ... all by the age of 5 or else he would be yelled at and hit across the head. He learned to become an ädult at an early age.

He ended up being the perfect child at home (in order to not be hit), but of course took a lot of his anger out upon others in the community, and would beat up the other bullies. He was a bright man and grew up skirting the law, his mom eventually began being kind to him and also didn't want him to date anyone as she wanted him to herself, so for her last few years of life doted on him and did everything for him. She was also secretly pleased whenever his "supposed"long term relationships didn't work out, because then she had him to herself as she had no one in her life.

She passed away leaving him with much guilt and remorse.

But back to my current situation..... my partner has come along way. He used to become angry with me and told me that I was coddling my children for picking them up from a friend's place at 10 PM at night when they were 10 yrs old and several blocks away in the dark.

Since having our daughter, I think he has slowly begun to realize the importance of realizing that kids are in fact kids, and not short adults. IN fact, he appears to be more "soft"with out 3 yr old then I ever was with my three eldest! He almost buys her whatever she wants and spoils her all of the time.

But now.. my partner/fiance is stating that he is feeling used by my two other kids and feels that they are not doing enough around the house, which to some degree is true. They are both very busy with sports and music lessons and we have a crazy busy household. WE both work full time as well. The problem is that he feels that I am not being an affective parent with them, that I should be more forceful with more serious consequences to get them to do more of their part around the house. There is some truth to this as I do get tired of having to tell them and ask them the same things over and over again. I make new chore lists, fo rthem to be just ignored again.

The problems is, is that my partner/fiance doesn't show any upset or anger towards my kids he just starts holding back affection from me and distancing himself from me. He says that he doesn't think that anything will ever change and that the kids will continue to take advantage of both himself and I and that I allow them to do it. So.... basically, it's all my fault.

My fiance now becomes uncomfortable in talking about wedding plans. So for me.... that seems like an indication that he is now having second thoughts on it. But when I approached him about it, he didn't want to talk about it. So. Today I have taken off my engagement ring. I feel that if we can't talk about plans for our wedding which we already have a date set, then there's no point in making any further plans until I know for sure if he is still in or not.

I am just feeling very hurt and sad and that he and I are not acting as a team towards my kids. Its instead as if he is the coach on the sidelines telling me what to do and when a play goes wrong it's all my fault.

He told me that he thinks that my older kids take advantage of me and use me, and therefore drain my energy so I don't have enough time for him or for our three year old. The funny thing is, is that he spends about 3 hrs every night on the computer playing stupid geeky computer games! He also gets upset saying that it's not fair that I don't get upset with the kids for spending time on the computer but that I get upset with him for spending time on the computer. I tried to explain to him that he is the adult and they are the kids and it's he and I who have the adult relationship together, but he didn't seem to get that. It's crazy. This man is a professional.

Looking for some feedback and comments.

Thanks.

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3 Comments

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Sofia - posted on 02/02/2012

263

12

From what you are telling us, there seems to be alot going on here. I will try to share my advice/experiences one at a time.

First, yes it seems like your partner experience having way too much responsibility at an early age, and possible abuse. Hitting on the head is not ok.

On the other hand, I think that as a society, our culture does have the tendency to cuddle our children way too much. We have become a society where we ask our children way too often, "what do you want?" instead of giving them what they "need". Which is structure, discipline and love. So with that said, you need to seriously look in the mirror and figure out if you are letting your children walk all over you and if that is ok.

Your partner, although maybe not in the most appropriate maner, is trying to let you know that he sees something wrong in the house and that the older children do not have enough consequences to their actions. (My guess is that he learned as a child that removing personal affection is the way to show someone you disapprove.)

My personal experience: I have a 16 yr old girl who got spoiled because she was an only child until recently. I now realize the error of my ways and I'm trying to toughen up. She has chores she is expected to do or she doesnt get to go out with friends. If your children dont do their chores do they still get to go to dance, sport games, visit friends? If your answer is yes, then there's your problem. Why would any child feel the need to do something they dont WANT if they dont HAVE to? Dont be so quick to change your chore list to accomadate them. No time for chores? Then no time for dance lessons, sport teams, video games etc.

If picking up your children from their friend's house instead of letting them walk because it's 10pm and you are concern for their safety is an issue, again, DO NOT change your life or your schedule to accomodate them. DO change their curfew and have them walk home at earlier time where you feel their safey isnt an issue.

Take this from a mom of a single child, I use to bend over backwards and change things to accomodate my child and did not give her sufficient consequences for years. It creates a monster who does not appreciate the sacrifies you do for them and instead see it as "your suppose to" do this because your mom.

I'm happy to speak to you more if you think it will help.

Sofia - posted on 02/02/2012

263

12

From what you are telling us, there seems to be alot going on here. I will try to share my advice/experiences one at a time.

First, yes it seems like your partner experience having way too much responsibility at an early age, and possible abuse. Hitting on the head is not ok.

On the other hand, I think that as a society, our culture does have the tendency to cuddle our children way too much. We have become a society where we ask our children way too often, "what do you want?" instead of giving them what they "need". Which is structure, discipline and love. So with that said, you need to seriously look in the mirror and figure out if you are letting your children walk all over you and if that is ok.

Your partner, although maybe not in the most appropriate maner, is trying to let you know that he sees something wrong in the house and that the older children do not have enough consequences to their actions. (My guess is that he learned as a child that removing personal affection is the way to show someone you disapprove.)

My personal experience: I have a 16 yr old girl who got spoiled because she was an only child until recently. I now realize the error of my ways and I'm trying to toughen up. She has chores she is expected to do or she doesnt get to go out with friends. If your children dont do their chores do they still get to go to dance, sport games, visit friends? If your answer is yes, then there's your problem. Why would any child feel the need to do something they dont WANT if they dont HAVE to? Dont be so quick to change your chore list to accomadate them. No time for chores? Then no time for dance lessons, sport teams, video games etc.

If picking up your children from their friend's house instead of letting them walk because it's 10pm and you are concern for their safety is an issue, again, DO NOT change your life or your schedule to accomodate them. DO change their curfew and have them walk home at earlier time where you feel their safey isnt an issue.

Take this from a mom of a single child, I use to bend over backwards and change things to accomodate my child and did not give her sufficient consequences for years. It creates a monster who does not appreciate the sacrifies you do for them and instead see it as "your suppose to" do this because your mom.

I'm happy to speak to you more if you think it will help.

Sofia - posted on 02/02/2012

263

12

From what you are telling us, there seems to be alot going on here. I will try to share my advice/experiences one at a time.

First, yes it seems like your partner experience having way too much responsibility at an early age, and possible abuse. Hitting on the head is not ok.

On the other hand, I think that as a society, our culture does have the tendency to cuddle our children way too much. We have become a society where we ask our children way too often, "what do you want?" instead of giving them what they "need". Which is structure, discipline and love. So with that said, you need to seriously look in the mirror and figure out if you are letting your children walk all over you and if that is ok.

Your partner, although maybe not in the most appropriate maner, is trying to let you know that he sees something wrong in the house and that the older children do not have enough consequences to their actions. (My guess is that he learned as a child that removing personal affection is the way to show someone you disapprove.)

My personal experience: I have a 16 yr old girl who got spoiled because she was an only child until recently. I now realize the error of my ways and I'm trying to toughen up. She has chores she is expected to do or she doesnt get to go out with friends. If your children dont do their chores do they still get to go to dance, sport games, visit friends? If your answer is yes, then there's your problem. Why would any child feel the need to do something they dont WANT if they dont HAVE to? Dont be so quick to change your chore list to accomadate them. No time for chores? Then no time for dance lessons, sport teams, video games etc.

If picking up your children from their friend's house instead of letting them walk because it's 10pm and you are concern for their safety is an issue, again, DO NOT change your life or your schedule to accomodate them. DO change their curfew and have them walk home at earlier time where you feel their safey isnt an issue.

Take this from a mom of a single child, I use to bend over backwards and change things to accomodate my child and did not give her sufficient consequences for years. It creates a monster who does not appreciate the sacrifies you do for them and instead see it as "your suppose to" do this because your mom.

I'm happy to speak to you more if you think it will help.

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