New blended family needs help...

Cristina - posted on 05/04/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I am totaly confused about blended families. Growing up I always liked my father's significant others and not so much my mother's they never treated her right snd I lived with my mom most of my life. I was married and had a kid at a young age of 21 his dad passed away 4 years ago so my son and I have been through hell and back . I now have a wonderful man in our lives and we have been together for 2 years now. after 8 months of dating we moved in with my bf and been trying to adjust to things my son had started calling my bf dad last june my sons 5 . my bf has an almost 14 year old girl that lives with her grandmother ( her mom's mom) . My bf and his ex had unstable relationships for the longest time so the ex's mom thought it was in the daughters best interest for her to live with her indefinatly. the daughters mom has another child from another man that resulted from her cheating on my bf. up untill the child was 3 it was believed that the child was the bfs but after a paternaty exam the child turned out not to be his and this child lives with the ex. The daughter visits every other weekend . my bf is an awesome father figure to my son I love all the progress hes made with him very supportive. I still am confused about our family dynamics as he sees himself as my sons dad but am not to sure about my role. The kids get along great. I adore his daughter. The other day I listed her on my fb as my daughter because I have my sons relationship with me on my fb profile . the bf recently noticed that I have his daughter listed as my daughter. He made a comment about it and sed I don't think her mom would agree to see her daughter listed as my kid on fb. I could really careless about what the woman thinks as I don't really talk to her and the relation is between her daughter and I. My bf often talks about us getting married which is wonderful but. Whats good for the goose seems not to be good for the gander. the step daughter has recently not doing so well in school and I have no say in that wich I find totally unfair because my bf has his say in everything to with with my son. after the comment he made about the whole facebook situation I deleted his daughter off my relation status and then feeling rejected and confused I asked him how he expects that we would someday marry because of his concern with his ex's reaction. I asked him how could we ever plan to get married with the ex's approval.

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Tracey - posted on 10/25/2010

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I agree that having a blended family is one of the hardest things. for my husband and i, agreeing on how to disipline the kids is our greatest obstacle. i just try to be supportive, but if one of his kids says or does something inappropriate i feel it's okay to speak up because i wouldn't let anyone say inappropriate things in my house whether they are my step children or not. my kids are younger than my stepchildren and i ask them to set an example for the younger kids. it has never been easy and my husband and i don't always agree. however, we have tried to come to an agreement on how to discipline with certain behaviours. i mostly try to let him discipline his kids with me backing him up and he lets me mostly discipline my own kids with him backing up me. if we disagree, we try to talk in private so that the kids see a united front. good luck to you.

Kris - posted on 10/22/2010

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Hi Cristina,
I am a step mom to two children and have been for a year and a half now. My husband had two kids and I had one kid of my own. We have custody of all three.
I am here to tell you that being in a blended family is the hardest thing I have ever done and it's difficulties are most unimaginable. I find there are struggles with our family and getting the dynamics tweaked just right on a daily basis. Just when you think you have got it down and things have been good for awhile something will happen to make you feel like you are starting all over. I do not agree that parents should just be friends to their step kids as they already have parents. I had step parents growing up and they were just as much the elders I was expected to respect as my parents were. I think it is ludacris to think that you cannot have more than 2 parents because honestly once that immediate family is broken it'll never be just the 2 parents raising the kids. Just as you have already seen with the grandmother being the legal gardian of your step daughter. I think that unfortunately you and your man jumped into a relationship (living together) before marriage which makes for the complication of.... should things be tough you both have the freedom to walk away without any legal process to make you have to think twice about it. Now I am not suggesting that it is imorral to live together believe me it would have been nice to have some foresight on the things I didn't know until we were married and living together (and I have lived with others prior to my childs birth before marriage). I am just saying it would be very difficult if your mate was to decide he no longer wanted to be in the relationship and your son has already made him a parent and become emotionally tied to him.
I do think that you and your mate need to sit down and come to some agreements and air all of your feelings with one another.
Bust of luck and welcome to the hardest thing you will ever do.... step-parent and have a blended family.

Cristina - posted on 05/06/2010

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Thanks Gloria finaly someone who understands my situation. Its though because I see my b being more strict with my son as opposed to his daughter. Its just so complicated because I am just leanring how to function and we dont have the greatest communication. I feel him and I are on different pages. I feel that change needs to happen. I rely on his help in raising my son because I don't drive and I work in a place that is not flexable I did find a part time job working from home so I can be more involved. Theres so much going on right now it feels like arrrrrrrrg lol

Gloryanne - posted on 05/05/2010

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As a widow who remarried someone with 2 boys, I completely understand your situation. There is difference - you fb's daughter has a mother who is alive. Yes, you do not have a say as she has both a mother and father. All you can do is be supportive to your boyfriend.

As far as your bf's relationship with your son - you are very fortunate to have a guy who is willing to take on that responsibility - not many are willing to do that.

You will have to deal with his ex if you want the relationship to move forward. Although you should not get her permission to marry, you will need to interact with her regarding your fb's daughter. If you are not willing to concede that, you need to question if you are willing to move forward at this point in time.

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