What top 3 questions should you ask...

Claudette - posted on 03/08/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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yourself BEFORE you enter into a committed stepfamily relationship?

I know many of you are already stepmoms. But I would like to know, what should you have asked yourself BEFORE becoming involved that might have made your life a little easier?
Or if you are someone thinking of becoming a stepmom, what is it that you are asking yourself?

I'll start:

-What do you (my partner) expect from me in terms of taking care of the children?

-Should I be responsible for driving my stepkids to their after-school activities?

-Should I be expected to pay to my stepchildren's dental bills, college fund, marriage?

-Should I be expected to entertain the biomom in my home?

Next...

I will compile these questions into a list to make it easier to read. Remember, someone might be wondering what do I ask myself and find this very helpful.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kris - posted on 10/22/2010

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1. What is his parenting style vs. yours. My hubby and I found out after the fact that we do not agree at all about how we go about raising our kids.
2. How are you going to handle loosing 1 on 1 time with your own child as you assume responsbilities of the step children, and how will you feel about things being "fair or not fair". I was excited to have step kids and a sister and brother for my daughter. However I really started to resent the step kids wanting my undivided attention and the competition it created between them and my own child. I had a hard time with the idea that I was going to miss out on some intimate things with my own daughter now because the step kids had their wants and needs too. In my case we have custody of all the kids. So it was hard to go from laying in bed with my daughter at night and reading her a book to the other kids wanting me to take turns with them doing the same.
Also it was difficult for the kids when one set of parents would buy something that the other didn't. We had to just go with life isn't fair and I am my daughters mommy and you have a mommy so there will be times when I will be meeting her needs first. Just as there will be times when your daddy will be meeting your needs first because my daughter has her own daddy already too.
3. Do you and your soon to be spouse agree on discipline. My spouse and I did not agree here either.
4. What is the schedule between bio parents and children and how do you (and children with other parents) fit into that. Do you intend to have the kids going to other parents on the same schedule so as to create your own family enviornment and have some alone time with your spouse. Do they back you up on that? How flexible are the other parents?
5. Are you looking for a family or just a committed relationship with your man. If you are not ready for the challenge of a lifetime don't get into a step situation.

Claudette - posted on 10/15/2010

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Thanks Elizabeth for this. If a man cannot respect the mother of his children, it can be pretty hard to ask him to do the same for you. If he is supportive in the raising of HIS children, chances are he will be supportive of you also. Thanks for sharing.

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6 Comments

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Tracey - posted on 10/25/2010

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i think the first thing i would have asked was how well my partner gets along with his children and his ex. also do they agree on how to discipline the kids. i would have also taken more time to see if we shared the some values in raising kids.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/15/2010

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Its been my experience that the same way they treat the ex, will be the same way they treat you if you become the ex. If anything the new wife/girlfriend needs to know what their expectations are. Spend time with the dad and the child, is he out with his friends after work? and you're home with the child or children? If you're bringing children from another marriage/relationship into with your Sig other/Husbands kids..If you expect him to support your kids, than you need to do the same.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/15/2010

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If I were to get involved with a man with kids AGAIN.
Things important to me would be, do you get along with your ex? respect her? etc. This is important because I can't stand men that bad mouth their ex, grow up already.
Are you looking for a nanny or a wife? A lot of step moms it seems are live in baby siters. Are you (the man) doing the nuts and bolts of parenting? Do you view having kids as a blessing or as a chore?

Stacie - posted on 03/21/2010

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#1. Do you REALLY know what you are getting yourself into?

#2. Do you REALLY want to do this for the next 18 years (in my case, the youngest was 5 1/2 mos old)?

#3. Do you handle stress well?

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