GUILT

Terri - posted on 02/04/2010

Michelle, have a solution to that ironing problem, do wat I do and only buy rayon clothing lol! But I know wat you mean, mine is the 6 baskets of washing that seem to never be put away in the family room!

Ruthie - posted on 02/03/2010

you mean Joseph announcing to his kindergarten class on a field trip to a dairy farm "My mommy has udders!" He was so proud! - PS He had a new baby sister at home nursing! Or maybe the one where I was discretely nursing Julia in a restaraunt with a receiving blanket over my shoulder. A little old man came over and saw Julia's feet and arms. He reached over and tickled her. She let go and rared back and (since my milk had already let down) I sprayed milk up in the air and across the table! The little old man walked away with out another word! It was worth it! You are an awesome mommy Jenny!

Shelley - posted on 02/03/2010

Thanks Jenny your lovely if your ever in Australia you should drop in for a coffee

Jenny - posted on 02/03/2010

ps, Michelle, Ironing??? What's ironing??? You mean that strange triangular shaped thing in my closet that I NEVER use has a purpose?

Jenny - posted on 02/03/2010

Thanks Aunt Ruthie!! I love you! You have encouraged me many times to appreciate the moments when I was sleep deprived and exhausted!!! Everyone, this is my Aunt Ruthie, ask her to tell you the funniest breastfeeding story EVER!!!

Ladies, it breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes to read many of your posts. I hope getting it all out and hearing other moms is a healing for you, I know it is for me!!

Ink - posted on 02/03/2010

I always feel guilty for any little minute for myself. I hate to take a shower, I'm afraid he's going to need me while I'm in there. I always end up rushing through and not shaving anything. For the first few months I would roll the bassinette into the shower and constantly peek out at him. He's too big for that now.
I feel guilty for spending any money on myself. I haven't had my hair trimmed since July last year. The only way I could justify buying a nursing bra was because I convinced myself it was for the baby, not me. LOL
I feel guilty for asking Daddy to help. He works all day and the last thing he wants is to come home and clock in and do MY job too. This makes him mad at me sometimes, He feels left out, and I can't change how I feel.
Yeah, guilt is a booger...
but I just remember when the boy is older I will be able to guilt trip HIM for all these things, like MY mother did. :-D

Shelley - posted on 02/03/2010

thanks Ruthie that does put things into perspective
I feel guilty that i initially didn't want either of my children when i found i was pregnant.
I feel guilty for bringing on my labor early and almost loosing my daughter
i feel guilty for having c-sections
i feel guilty for allowing myself to put on so much weight
i feel guilty for being so tired
i feel guilty about the 2 washing baskets of ironing to be done
i could go on forever but the only person this guilt is hurting is me

Ruthie - posted on 02/02/2010

Well, someone once put it too me this way. (In terms of things moms feel guilty about) How will you feel in a year, 5 years, 10 years) When faced with the delema of quitting my full time job making "great money" years ago, I asked myself "when my kids are grown, am I going to look back and say'Gosh I wish I had made more money' or Wow that went by fast..I am so glad I spent more time with my kids and was there for them'. Guess what won? I learned to shop Goodwill for clothes, drive an older model car, garden and grow our own vegtables.....all very small sacrifices. To be at home when my kids were home and hear their thoughts on the day and being the house to hang out at was all worth it. My house is cleaner now, I can get a manicure or pedicure or go out to eat at will, but my heart aches for a game of candy land and kids clamouring around the kitchen waiting on a batch of cookies to bake. I have no wet mittens to hang up or snowboots to dry by the fire, but the memories I have in my heart ...NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE FROM ME! Enough said?

Melissa - posted on 02/01/2010

i'm reading Sherry Shephard's book Permission Slips. It's funny and real. The premise is for we women and mothers to give ourselves permission to be gulty, to let the housekeeping slide, to act silly with our children, to hold our children, to have bad relationships, and so on...I'm not quite done yet. So, my permission slip is for not working out 4 times a week so i can spend more time with my G.
So give yourself permission to feel guilty about whatever, especially if it means more time with your babies and baby daddies!!!

Courtney - posted on 02/01/2010

I think every mother has felt guilt at one point after they've had their babies. I feel guilty if I want to go to the grocery store and leave my son with my mother in law because it would be so much faster if I didn't have to worry about taking the carseat out of the car to shop. I felt guilty the first time I gave him a bottle. I feel guilty that I still want to sleep in even tho my son is wide awake and wanting to play...

Terri - posted on 01/30/2010

I feel guilty for not reading to my children anymore. I do try but dont really do it much. I used to read them a book every night. And my 4 year old says read me a book please mummy. And my response is not tonight. Why because I am so tired. All I want is for the kids to go to sleep so I can has some peace and quiet. And then I feel guilty for thinking that! I guess I didnt realise how hard it would be raising 3 children and a baby when I decided to have that fourth child.

And heres another horrible one, I feel guilty because I often wish my autistic child was normal. I particularly feel this after we went to a party last night and my hubby had to leave early and take my baby home cause she wouldnt settle and my son because he was going off on one of his autistic moments. I was so embarassed I cried. I told my hubby I just wish he was normal so we could go out like normal parents. And then I feel guilty because I should love him for who he is.

Melissa - posted on 01/30/2010

I feel guilty for my vanity. I hate the loose skin, the stretch marks, the weight I have to lose (I'm a reservist so I really do HAVE to lose the weight), the scar. When I look at her, hold her, nurse her...make her laugh...it lessens the guilt but when I'm around adults I have to mentally repeat..."It took 9 months and 4 days to gain the weight, give yourself that long to lose it."

April - posted on 01/30/2010

i feel guilty about leaving my son for any length of time. i was invited to a party about a month ago. one day i was going, the next day i would change my mind and this went on until the day before the party.



in the end, i didn't go. dinner was to be served right in the middle of his bedtime routine. i knew if i went, it meant my son wouldn't be able to go to sleep until i got back. the location was about an hour away, so even if i left early...



(he can't sleep without nursing first...he won't do it)



i feel guilty for even considering leaving him for what would have been at least 3 hours.

Hannah - posted on 01/30/2010

Oh yeah, as for the whole housework thing.... I have to force myself to leave it sometimes and spend time with my children instead, because if I have spent an hour hoovering etc, I then think that I have done the wrong thing as it could have waited. My house doesn't know if it's clean or not, but my baby knows if I am playing with her or not.... but some days I only feel happy and in control of things if I have an ordered, clean room around me!



I just wanted to say to Nicole about Childcare, I know exactly how you feel, I'm back to work in 2 months and having to leave my 2 children at the nursery nearby.

I left my first baby with a relative the first time round, but in retrospect I think she would have been just if not more happy at a nursery, as they are so proffessional and follow guidelines to provide your baby with all sorts of things that aid their development. And they get to socialise with other babies too. The people caring for your child while you are at work soon becomes a friendly, familiar face to your child, but there is the horrible feeling of guilt that you should be the one caring for your child and that your baby will miss you......

I think it is harder for mums to adjust to their kids going to childcare than it is for the actual babies, as we only see them crying when we leave... so horrible.... and then they cry when you pick them up too! But I have spied on them through the window and know inbetween times they are happily playing!

Hilary - posted on 01/29/2010

LOL.. yeah me and my sister call it the guilt factor. I have a theory that we do this because the job of being a mother is so completely insane with out that guilt we would not so willingly do the things we need to do.

I would love to turn this off just for the hour of my sons nap!!

Cristy - posted on 01/29/2010

Well I have to say I felt heaps of guilt with my first baby. A lot of that guilt stemmed from difficulty with breastfeeding. I vowed never to let that guilt eat me up with baby 2 and it hasn't. Luckily, breastfeeding worked out with her but if it hadn't I wasn't going to beat myself up over it. I do think too that successful breastfeeding is a huge bonding experience and I do actually feel guilty that I feel a closer bong with my daughter than I did with my son.

Jenny - posted on 01/29/2010

I can relate to bonding later with my baby. My first son was born almost 6 weeks early and had to be in the NICU. The whole time we were in the hospital I just felt like I was taking care of someone else's baby. Like he belonged to the nurses or something. Then when we got home I was trying to get him to latch onto me instead of taking a bottle. There is nothing like helplessly holding a screaming hungry child and not being able to feed him. One of the reasons I am passionate about breastfeeding though, is that once we got through it, I think it really helped me establish my bond with him. I don't remember having a moment where it clicked, but one day he was just mine. I think with my other two children it was easier because I knew it would come. I did feel HUGE guilt each time a got pregnant again. And I still feel like I'm not giving them enough inividual attention sometimes. Especially my "middle child."

Anyway it feels good to "get it out" right?? One thing that really upsets me is when we as moms add to other moms guilt. Maybe it's because we feel so guilty ourselves. If we can focus on the areas where we are "better" than other moms we won't have to think about our own perceived failures. All the things you've shared, guilt about natural birth, guilt about breastfeeding, guilt about not being home enough. Too much of that comes because of things we've been told about what a "good" mom does. Thanks for sharing, I don't know about you, but it makes me feel better to hear the someone else feels the same way I do!!!!

Cynthia - posted on 01/29/2010

@ Hannah.



I know exactly how you feel....



I didn't know what to expect or if I was doing it properly being that I am a first time mom. Suddenly, here I am responsible for a little life, his every need dependant on me. I was overwhelmed, not to mention exhausted. All he would do is eat, sleep, poop and cry. Did I mention the eating? I am breastfeeding him and he's quite the little eating machine and very demanding about it! He nurses every 2 hours, sometimes every hour. The first 6 weeks was a blur for me; one day would run into another that sometimes I wouldn't even know what day it was. I didn't leave the house for weeks because of the constant demands of my son.



The reason I feel guilty, I didn't truly fall in love with my son until he was about 7 weeks old. Don't get me wrong, I did love him those first weeks but it wasn't the all encompassing love you feel for your child. Like I said the first 6 weeks were a blur and I was running on automatic and going through the motions. I then woke up one morning (more like woken up...lol) and looked down into my son's face, he looked up at me and gave me one of his gummy smiles and "pouff" my heart melted and it hit me like a ton of bricks...I would die for this child and my heart felt like it would burst with love!! Thankfully, I had a friend who went through the same thing which she told me about while I was pregnant so I knew on a small level that I wasn't alone. Sometimes it just takes time to get to know your baby before you reach that level of love.



I also feel guilty about not being able to get the housework done as well. I used to stress out if I wasn't able to get any cleaning done but I came to terms with it. My son comes first, housework is way down the list now...lol.

Nicole - posted on 01/29/2010

Wow! I never knew guilt until I had my son. He's only three months old and some days I feel I'm suffocating in guilt.



I had a c section as well and did feel guilty for the same reasons Sara did. Our breastfeeding didn't start well and I felt guilty about that. My partner works away, which is the only thing keeping us financially able for me to keep my maternity leave and I feel guilty about that. Mentally preparing for when I will have to go back to work makes me feel horribly guilty. I'm going to abandon him at a baby warehouse so I can work... or that's how I hear it in my mind.



Then there is the issue that my partner has kids from a previous marriage. I feel guilty that my son doesn't get to enjoy that first born glory that other first babies get. I feel guilty that we can't afford to endulge him or spend on him like a first born because there are expenses regarding the other kids that have to come first.



Really... some days I wonder if there is anything I don't feel quilty about.

Good Day! - posted on 01/29/2010

I know what you mean. I'm a stay at home mom (ex teacher like you!) but I have a home based business and do about one party a week to make ends meet. I feel guilty leaving her with her daddy for 3 hours once a week, even when she is sleeping most of that time!

I also felt so very guilty for having a c-section. Sounds so irrational now! I cried for weeks about it. My daughter was breech and we didn't know until my water broke at 10 cm. Doc broke my water so I could get ready to push and ,"Don't push, all I feel is butt!". Another dose of epidural and straight to the OR. I had no time to mentally prepare for it, it just happened. The guilt was over not being able to have her vaginally which is the way God intended it. Afterwards, I felt guilty that I could not get out of bed to change her diaper and pick her up but I felt so good that I could breastfeed her! Then she wouldn't latch for 12 hours and I cried and felt guilty for not being able to do anything for her! I felt so helpless! Thankfully she latched the third day and we had 11 beautiful months of breastfeeding!

Hannah - posted on 01/29/2010

I always like to think that if you didn't ever feel guilty, you wouldn't be a good mother, because you wouldn't be thinking about what you were doing.

I especially feel guilty that I have to just leave my second child, Connie, to just 'get on with it' while I tend to her more demanding elder sister. When I think of how we hung on to our first babys every coo and gurgle... and the number of photos we took of her! I do often feel that Connie is neglected because of being pushd to the side, but then I just tell myself that I do my best and she doesn't know any different, poor thing!



Oh and another, kind of darker guilt I sometimes feel, is that I never felt the big rush of love I was expecting to feel when I gave birth. Instead it grew over time.

I suppose my brain is just wired differently, and I never felt that it made me a 'bad' mother exactly, but all you ever hear about motherhood is how much love you will feel, and when I gave birth both times I just remember thinking ' thank god that's over, and oh yeah, I now have a baby. OK'.

I have spoken to other mothers, and although I think I am in the minority I know I am not the only one to have experienced this, but as well as guilt I also feel really sad that I missed out on feeling that way.