Am I the only with a husband like this..??

Hannah - posted on 10/20/2009

Good to get it off your chest isn't it!

It is so hard having 2 children to look after, it is nice to have your efforts appreciated, but it sometimes seems any attempt to get recognition for your hard work ends up being a competition over who has the hardest life and things can sound very bitter.

Our second child is now 3 months old and our relationship is getting easier as our baby also gets easier to care for and we get more time in the evenings with each other etc. But it has been hard, children mean not having the time to work on your relationship, and things can easily be left unsaid and resentments build up. The only time we spoke would lead to an argument as we were both stressed and tired! And being told 'you chose to breastfeed' is totally missing the point!

Any chance you get to try to put your point accross to your husband, calmly while also looking after the male ego and showing you appreciate what he does too, should help you both feel better. I think mothers and fathers feel like they live on differenet planets, our worlds are so different, getting your partner to appreciate what you are going through without soundinmg like you are complaining is something I found hard!

Rachel - posted on 10/17/2009

Quoting Conni:

Well my Nimrod decided to appologize to me for his idiotic comment last night and I think I'm going to approach the lack of support with the breastfeeding thing tonight over a home cooked dinner. Maybe a relaxed setting will help me not to be so defensive about it and help him see my point of view without feeling like I'm attacking him. I do ahve to say that I may come on a little strong when it comes to talking to him about breastfeeding, because I feel like he doesnt really listen or care to know much about it. He always says things like "I dont think he is getting enough, maybe you should give him some formula to top him off" or "If he is eating so often maybe your milk doesnt have the right nutrients to make him feel full" I need to find a book for him to read...Ive looked for a book that was specifically for fathers of breastfed babies...but to no avail. Maybe I should write one!

Good luck, Conni!  My husband didn't really understand why I was so adamant about breastfeeding because his first wife formula fed.  He became a fan after the first few nights when there wasn't any heating/mixing/washing/etc to feed the baby.  Open shirt, latch on, done :p  But whenever we hit a little bump in the road or if I was tired during growth spurts, he'd suggest we just use formula.  The thing that got him to be more supportive for me was education :)  I walked him through the health benefits for mom and baby.  I taught him about growth spurts and how important it was for me to nurse him as much and as long as he wanted to get the extra stimulation so my body knew to go on to the next level of nursing and that it wasn't about hunger as much as it was about baby's body letting my body know it was time :p  www.kellymom.com was a great resource so he had something to look at and read.  Once he understood how everything worked and why breastmilk was so much better and that formula increased the risk of so many problems, and that I NEEDED his support at all time, he became a huge lactivist :D  Our first is 4 years old now and my husband is still proudly telling people that we never used formula and that we nursed until 27 months and that our five month old will get to nurse as long as he wants, too.  Things are so much better with our second because my husband has been my advocate from the second our 2nd baby was born.  I didn't have to do anything this time around to get hubby to be the support system I needed!

I hope all goes well with your husband and that you can get him completely on your side :D

Janice - posted on 10/16/2009

I have breast fed all of my 3 kids. My husband can also be a nimrod at times and even though he supports my decision to breastfeed he has also suggested switching to formula anytime I complain. I think it's his way of trying to help take the pressure off, they love us in their own special way. They don't realize that after a full day of having a baby attached to one nipple or the other, wrangling other children as well as all the housework, bill paying, shopping etc, that maybe we just need to vent, like they do after a long day at work. My husband last year got a wake up call when he decided to change jobs when I was working full time making good money and he ended up staying at home with the kids, only two at the time. He's a whole lot better now that he understands. My advice...take a day off, let him take care of the whole shebang, kids, house, whatever. Make him a list of things that need to get done in the normal course of your day. Pamper yourself, go to the gym, do what you want for the whole day and enjoy the welcome he gives you when you come home, I can guarantee he'll be glad to see you.

Vanessa - posted on 10/16/2009

Men!! Ack! Tell him if you formula feed he will need to get up and help you make bottles and if you breastfeed you have to do all the night feeding! That will shut him up for sure! And as for your vent I know how you feel! I work full time as a nurse so I cant bring my little one with me. All of my breaks ( a 10 min and a lunch for an 8 hr day) are spent pumping my milk so I barely even have time to eat! Then I get home and care for the baby, clean the house and feed her all night! And he grumbles if I simply even ask him to change her daiper at 5 am!! Sometimes he is helpful and sometimes I could just kick him in the head! Mine likes to head off to the gym too and work on his classic car..arg!!

Conni - posted on 10/15/2009

Well my Nimrod decided to appologize to me for his idiotic comment last night and I think I'm going to approach the lack of support with the breastfeeding thing tonight over a home cooked dinner. Maybe a relaxed setting will help me not to be so defensive about it and help him see my point of view without feeling like I'm attacking him. I do ahve to say that I may come on a little strong when it comes to talking to him about breastfeeding, because I feel like he doesnt really listen or care to know much about it. He always says things like "I dont think he is getting enough, maybe you should give him some formula to top him off" or "If he is eating so often maybe your milk doesnt have the right nutrients to make him feel full" I need to find a book for him to read...Ive looked for a book that was specifically for fathers of breastfed babies...but to no avail. Maybe I should write one!

Michelle - posted on 10/15/2009

I think we all have a NIMROD in one way or another. Mine is in the other extreme. He is very pro nursing. To the point that I have woken up to my husband latching my daughter on to me. He just reaches over and pulls it out. He has even done this walking thru the store and trying to hold a blanket over me. Kind of like they are "our breasts" to feed "our child". It is weird.

This is our 5th and last baby and he often speaks of nursing her til about 2. I am totally for it but sometimes it feels like he has made the decision for us and I will let him down if I stop earlier!!

Tammy - posted on 10/15/2009

it's ok.... vent.

Claire - posted on 10/15/2009

I just spent the last 9 weeks educating my hubby and family about my decision to breast feed , now they seem to finally get it. The fact that my son is progressing so well has really helped , proving to them what i keep banging on about. I really sympathize , why do people have the attitude that breast feeding is making a rod for your own back.
and it is So NOT !! an excuse to not help. feed them then its over to daddy for winding etc . explain how much better babies settle with daddy away from the smell of delicious milk. this worked a treat for me !!! X

Nadine - posted on 10/15/2009

My husband has a strange attitude towards breastfeeding, too. I stopped breastfeeding my 2 year-old when he was about 3 months old because he would nurse for 50 minutes and want more one hour later. Now my second child I wanted to nurse for 6 months because they say after 6 months they got pretty much everything they need. She was fine taking a bottle sometimes but right before I wanted to wean her off she decided not to take a bottle anymore. To me it was ok to nurse longer but everytime I complain that it's hard for me to leave the house without her because nobody else can take care of her he will say that it is all my fault and now I have to put up with it. And that it is mean towards my first one because I only nursed him for 3 months and it seems like I love my younger one alot more because of this. It's BS though. I had to stop nursing my older one it has nothing to do with loving one child more than the other...Shortly said, when it comes to nursing my husband is pretty unsopportive himself. Maybe it is jealousy though because I have the ultimate weapon to keep her calm and quiete and he can't......who knows

Jessica - posted on 10/15/2009

Try telling him that you would like him to support/encourage your breastfeeding. Make sure you do this when you aren't upset w/ him.

I too have a nimrod. He's totally supportive of my breastfeeding. Our son is 13 months now & my nimrod is starting to wonder when I'm going to stop; I'm letting our son self-wean. I have the problem of him using my breastfeeding as an excuse to not take care of our son (so I can have a break). It's not like our son ONLY has milk, but that's the way he makes it seem. He also doesn't like how he fusses when I'm not around, which he wouldn't do IF he had stepped it up from the beginning & helped do more...but NOOO. *sigh* Nimrods are wonderful! My nimrod also doesn't help around the house as much as he needs to & expects me to miraculously do everything (clean house, laundry, dishes, take care of baby, do shopping, & have a job). Sometimes I feel like I have 2 kids, not a nimrod & a son. Soon I'm going to have a full & part time job & I bet I'll still be expected to make dinner when I get home (among other things), even though he will have been home for at least 4 hrs before I get home. Will he get our son out of day care early? Nope, b/c then he'd actually be taking care of him & heaven forbid if he ever had to do that....Venting is good!!
Unfortunately, I wouldn't hold your breath on him having a change of attitude, men are aliens (for lack of a better term, my brain isn't working) & they think the same of us.

Ariane - posted on 10/14/2009

Hi Conni



Sorry you are feeling this way. It's hard work with a 6 week old bub without having support of hubby.



Looking from the otherside of the story maybe your husband is frustrated that he can't be home with the children and that is how he is venting.



In regards to the b/feeding - men can be like they - very black and white. They think when we 'complain' that we want a solution whereas often we just want to be heard. Let him know this and maybe he will look at it from a different angle and just support.



It certainly can be true the saying that 'men are from mars, woman are from venus' which often leads to a lot of frustration between the sexes.



i hope hubby sees the light and offers you a lot more support (sometimes you just need to 'guide them' into the right direction - some people might call this training lol).



Good work on the breastfeeding - keep it up and get prof help if you need it. YOu are doing the world of good for your new baby. :)

Minnie - posted on 10/14/2009

As the wiffe of a fellow sometimes-nimrod myself... that's just the way some men can be. Some men are empathetic and totally into attachment parenting- and some just aren't.



My own husband likes to feel like he's in control of something. If it doesn't have a quick-fix where he feels he's actively DOING something to make it the way he wants it- well, he just can't accept that.



Breastfeeding hasn't been an issue here- he's fully supportive of my decision to allow our daughter to self-wean. But that's probably because I have had no trouble, it's been very easy-going for us. What HAS been an issue for us is discipline. We both came out of a very punitive background parenting-wise, and it has been an uphill battle trying to remove those punitive tendencies out of our systems. Because of our background, my husband still sees the negative in our three year old's behaviour, tends to think of her as manipulative, and turns her current behaviour into all sorts of horrible future behaviour he thinks it could be.



So you're not alone in husband problems, haha. We have different ones, but I think they stem from the same source.