Co-sleeping/nursing to sleep 11 mo DD affecting my DH and my relationship. HELP!

Stacey - posted on 03/09/2012

I understand your frustration. DS slept in our bed until he was 2, and night nursed until I got pregnant with DD at 20 months. It frustrated me that I couldn't get him to stay in his own room, but looking back I'm glad I did it. He needed me. I never figured out that he had trouble digesting dairy, and he nursed for comfort(which was contributing to the problem), alot! It was overwhelming, but needed. DH had the same issues as your DH, but we finally came to an arrangement that after DS fell asleep in our bed, I'd move him to his crib, and then we'd have our alone time. The first time DS woke, he could come back in our room, which only took a couple hours (8pm-12am). Try and change your view about it. If you enjoy it, and your son enjoys it, thats should really be all that matters. The nursing relationship is between you and your son, not your husband. If you can figure out a way for you and your husband to have alone time in addition to cosleeping and nursing, that should be enough in my opinion!

Holly Janelle - posted on 03/07/2012

Sounds like we are having the same kind of issues just in our own way. Again what you said gave me relief and made me feel better. Your such a hood mommy and wifey! Your DH is lucky that you devote those two hours on Wednesday some DH would die for their wives to do just that.



Your right everything does change when you have a baby. The problem is we decided to get pregnant 2 months into the relationship and that's exactly what happened! We NEVER had time to ourselves :( crazy decision uh ya do I regret it? heck no I would never take it back even if i had the chance to go back in time. I'll just keep trying to make the best out of these crappy situations and hopefully I'll see something positive changes sooner rather than later :)



Woohoo date night for you tonight!! I wish you a wonderful night full of cuddling and fun times :)



Thank you again Lori!

Lori - posted on 03/07/2012

Holly - I'm glad to hear your DD is transitioning to her crib pretty well. Hopefully she'll start sleeping longer stretches for you soon too. :)



As for DH... all I can say is.. that sucks! Having a baby certainly changes things. My DH and I argue much much more since we've had kids than we ever did before. Part of it is certainly sleep deprivation. Neither of us is getting as much sleep as we'd like. And part of it is lack of time for just the 2 of us together. Even though we see each other every evening after he gets home from work, and weekends - it's not like we're spending time "together". We're entertaining the kids and doing family things... but heaven help us if we actually start to have a conversation. We are ALWAYS interrupted by either the baby needing something or our preschooler wanting to know what we're talking about and what does that word you just said mean mommy or just needing to be center of attention. And once we get the LO's quiet again... either he's distracted now or I am and we never finish a conversation. Then by the time we get both kids to bed we're also ready for bed. On the rare night that we'd both be up for staying up and spending time together.... one way or another... it never fails that that's a night that either the 3 year old wants to sleep in our bed, or the baby decides to wake more frequently. Ugh!



Things have gotten just a itty bit better for us since the baby turned 1, and I've hired my 14 year old neighbor to watch both girls on Wednesday nights for 2 hours. She watches them from 5 - 7 at her house. That way we have 2 hours to ourselves right after he gets home from work, but before we have to start bedtime routines. Sometimes we go out and have dinner together, other time we just stay in. But either way we can actually have a little bit of conversation. I still get mad at my husband on those Wednesdays if he tries to just come home and turn on the TV. I know he's tired and just wants to relax... but he also complains about our lack of a sex life. I find my interest in it increases a bit once we've spent some uninterrupted time together.



So I guess here's my tip... try to find a way to spend even a little bit of quality time together. Even if it's not spent being intimate.. it may lead to more intimacy later.

Holly Janelle - posted on 03/07/2012

Morgan- I'm sorry that you have to quit nursing in the next month, do you have to take medicine that isn't safe? My DD have had a great transition to her sleeping in her crib. I rock/nurse her to sleep around 8:30. I just set her down and I dont worry about waking her up just gently put her in her crib. I enjoy the alone time i get until she wakes up wakes up for her nighttime feeding. The thing that I need to get down is rocking her back to sleep but I have been bringing her to our bed because I'm so tired. Your lucky your son sleeps 8 until 4! I wish my daughter did, she wakes up every 2-3 hours at night to nurse not sleeping near me doesn't make a difference with that. I'm happy with the age I chose to switch her to her own bed/room. She understand where my room is and where her room is and knows I'm right next door and I'll be right there to get her if I hear her crying so I think that's relieves a lot of stress that she would have to go through otherwise.



The intimate times have no returned back in our relationship though. I'm angry at him and frustrated he stated that it was because we argue you too much and it's because of that. He said it takes hima couple of days to get over it and until then he just doesn't want to touch me. Then when he finally gets over it we argue again. So I have just found to not let little stuff bother me and sure as heck don't talk to him about it or it will start an arguement because letting little stuff bother menis really annoying to him because he isnt that way at all. What happens with my step son while he is at work not to talk to him about it/ call him unless it's something he really needs to handle/address. He also said that breatfeeding to him is definately not a turn on and apparently it's turning him off but if I stopped I know I would resent him because I love it and this bonding time is so important to me and my plan was to fo it until she self weans, but I don't want it to ruin my relationship! I'm confused and hurt about this all.



Lori A- you are so sweet! I love seeing that you have commented on my posts! I did everything you wrote on your comment and it's working and everything has been great! Thank you so much!

Lori - posted on 03/07/2012

Holly - how's your daughter doing now? Is she starting to sleep in her crib at all?

Morgan - posted on 03/07/2012

I'm dealing with this now with my 6 month old. He now sleeps in his own crIb for most of the night. A typical night would be from 8:30 until 4. Then I get up and bring him back to bed and nurse him. I do have to quit bf within the next month so I am a little worried about what I will do then. Training him was difficult. I try the nursing him until he's asleep method but some nights he's not willing to so there are times where he has to cry it out when I've done all I can do. I know that it will be way more difficult on him if I wait until he's older so thats what helps me get through it. Stay strong in what ever you do. I know my baby sleeps a lot longer in his crib now which made me feel bad that I might have kept him from getting much needed sleep. It's a difficult process I know, but you'll be fine. Good luck!!!

Sandie - posted on 03/05/2012

I know it may sound a bit silly, but I found that as soon as I wasn't scared of waking him up when I put him down, my little one was fine. I would lay him down once he was well out of it, but I was terrified he was going to wake up and stay awake for hours and I'd be exhausted, resulting in me being so tense and trying to move so slowly to lay him down that he must have felt it, and always woke up. One night I was so tired, when he was asleep I just plopped him in his bed, (sounds bad, I was gentle of course but just laid him down with no "careful, don't wake the baby" feelings) and he stayed asleep. It was a quick "put down" so they was no slight tremble as I slowly eased him into his bed and wriggle my hand from under him.



Good luck!! It will all happen eventually, just stay chilled as best you can, and take the time while your little one is in your bed so discover other parts of the house with your hubby ;) can be quite enlightening, lol.



xx

Lydia - posted on 03/04/2012

Start with nap time. try to get her to sleep in her crib for the naps so she gets used to the new sleep environment. And than try it for night time. As soon as you get her to nap in her crib, you might as well use the nap time at least on the weekends for some romance... it would provide a time for you as a couple alone in your bed! That's what me and hubby did for a long time. Nap time romance!



As to get her to go to sleep without nursing her to sleep you can try nurse her bit earlier than usual and try to keep her awake during the nursing session and than put her down when still awake but sleepy.

Ania - posted on 02/29/2012

I would start with putting her to crib for the first part of the night and teach her to fall asleep on her own without breast in her crib with you standing there and singing or something to comfort her until she falls asleep, but do not take her out of the crib. If she gets up you can hug her and wisper that it is ok and put her down. You will probably repeat that process many times first few bedtimes. It will take a while especially during the first week, but it will get better. If she will learn that crib is good and you are positive about it, she will get it. If it does not work all night you can just take her back to bed in the middle of the night, but also step by step try to cut it back. It will probably take a month, maybe more but it will work. Just be patient.

Crystal - posted on 02/29/2012

Holly i am having the same issue with my 7 month old. he has always slept with us from the beginning because he just slept so much better next to me and i slept a lot better knowing that he was breathing and nursing him was a lot easier. I would like him to sleep in the crib now just because he is getting bigger and there is less room in the bed and i would also like to have some down time with just my husband but I have tried putting him in there for nap and at night time and he wakes right up when i put him in and i do not believe in the crying it out method either. So he continues to sleep in our bed and my husband and others keep pressuring me to put him in the crib, they make me feel like I am a bad mom or something because i let him sleep in the bed, they say i spoil him and that its not good for him, well letting my child scream at the top of his lungs is also not good for him so i feel stuck. i think that you and your husband need to meet somewhere in the middle, maybe you set up a playpen or bring the crib into the bedroom? ive also heard of taking one side of the crib off and hooking it up somehow to the side of your bed. maybe she sleeps some of the night in the crib and the rest with you guys? im probably not much of a help becuase i am going through the exact same thing but just know that you are not alone!

Janice - posted on 02/25/2012

At 11 months old it is okay to let you LO cry a bit during sleep training. Now my daughter did nap w/o me and slept from 8- 11/12 in her crib each night from 6-7 mo. on but here is my story on how we stopped

I co-slept with my DD from midnight (sometimes earlier) till 7-8am but at 9 months she stopped sleeping well in our bed. She learned to crawl and instead of just nursing to sleep she would stay awake and crawl all over us. At 10 months, I decided to both night wean and stop co-sleeping. I night weaned 1st over 2 weeks. Then once she was okay with just cuddles instead of nursing I started the transition to her bed. Instead of bringing her to bed with me when she woke at 11-12. I would go in her room and just comfort her. I would pick her up just for a minute and then just encourage her to sleep with humming, and back or hair rubbing and hugs when she stood up. She cried but I was strong. I didn't leave her alone. I gradually comforted her less. Sometimes I would sit in the chair next to her bed and hum. I would also do the same every time she was up so usually it was 2x a night -11-12 and 3-4am. It took about 5 nights but each night she cried less and slept longer. It was rough on both of us (hubby didn't participate much because he would cave) but in the end we were both much happier getting a full night sleep.

We had set backs when she was sick 1-2x and she would end up in bed with us for a week and then it would take a couple of rough nites to get back in the routine but I personally was very happy with how everything played out.



Good luck!

Lori - posted on 02/24/2012

Yes a baby monitor will be necessary in this arrangement. I keep mine on all night long and right next to my bed. I can hear her every time she coughs or rolls over or starts to make any sort of noise.



When I'm putting my LO down I nurse her till she's asleep. Sometimes she unlatches herself, other times I unlatch her. I keep holding/rocking her until I'm sure the unlatching didn't wake her (usually only an extra minute) then I lay her down. My older daughter was a lighter sleeper than my LO is. If I didn't do it completely smoothly, with no extra shifting or anything, she'd wake up and start wailing that I was putting her down. My 15 month old isn't as bad and will continue to sleep through a slight bump or jostle and doesn't wake up to the sound of the door opening or closing. I did basically the same thing with my older daughter except I didn't have a rocking chair I liked yet so I would nurse her to sleep in my bed, and when she was asleep I'd unlatch her and then pick her up and carry her to her room and put her down in her crib. I much prefer the rocking chair now since I have a comfy one in the babies room. This way she is already in my arms when she falls asleep so one less movement to wake her up, and it isn't as far to carry her to her crib - again less movement to wake her up.



All I can say is give it a try, she might surprise you.

Holly Janelle - posted on 02/24/2012

@Lori- no she hasn't slept in her own crib ever. At nap time I nurse her laying down in my bed just like I do at night time until I can tell she is out the I try my best to unlatch her without waking her up. I'm afraid she is going to wake up everytime I try put her in her crib...I guess I'll just keep trying it until she doesn't wake up and stays asleep.

I'll invest in a baby monitor!

Thank you Lori you have been a lot of help :)

Lori - posted on 02/24/2012

I'd suggest a rocking chair and crib in a room for the baby. Nurse and rock your baby to sleep, and once she's asleep lay her down in the crib. When she wakes again, let her nurse again, but then lay her back down in the crib. This is how I transitioned my daughter from sleeping in my bed to sleeping in her own bed in her own room around 6 months old. She still wakes a few times during the night, and I always go in to her, but when she's back asleep I put her down in her own crib. She's now 15 months old. I'd love it if she'd start sleeping through the night, but I'm not willing to let her cry it out.



Has your daughter ever slept on her own at all? How about nap times? She may wake more frequently at first but she should start sleeping for longer stretches as she gets used to sleeping in her crib. And if you go back in when she wakes and cries, she'll still know you're there for her.