Husband asked me to stop breast feeding

Lana - posted on 12/30/2012 ( 53 moms have responded )

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I had a hard time dealing with the realization that i was going to be a mother. I was told that breast feeding was a great way to bond with my daughter and my husband was supportive. I am now 2 months into breastfeeding and he has asked me to stop. I wont lie. Breastfeeding did kill my libido, but sex is still painful for me as i tore during delivery. My thing is the few times i tried my daughter on formula. She had gas HORRIBLY. So i would prefer to give her breast milk. He complains that he feels left out and that i have an unfair advantage to bond with her and he feels its selfish. Im really infuriated by this. I only plan to breast feed her for 1 yr. as a breastfed baby myself i was still a daddies girl as a child.
What would you do or say if this happened to you?

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Bad - posted on 01/05/2013

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Tell him to grow up. There are a million other ways to bond with a child then just feeding. Like changing a diaper, or giving a bath, or a massage. There is no way in hell breastfeeding is selfish. He needs to mature quick.

Celeste - posted on 12/30/2012

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There are so many other ways to bond besides feeding. Is he involved with her in other ways? My husband changed diapers, held them, bathed them. There's a ton of things for him to do so that he can bond.

I would be infuriated too. I would NOT stop. For argument's sake, let's say you do switch. Is he prepared for the cost? The painful gas that it caused her? So sorry you're going through this, I hope that you figure something out!

Laura - posted on 01/06/2013

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I can't believe your husband called you selfish for wanting to breastfeed your daughter. That actually shocked me. Sorry but it's the truth, I was really surprised by that. Please clue him in on the multitude of health benefits to your child that she cannot get from formula. What he needs to learn above all else is that when you have a child, your needs come second. What's best for the baby should ALWAYS come first and you're giving your child so many benefits by breastfeeding her, it is SO much more than bonding however that is a big part of it. You are being anything but selfish as nursing is not always easy on the mom but I think you're doing a great job. Please don't stop doing what you're doing. Perhaps seek some advice from a lactation counselor or look for support from your local Le Leche league. Those women are a great source of support and information. Good luck to you.

Christine - posted on 01/08/2013

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All doctors agree that breastmilk is ideal and best. Breastmilk has antibodies in it which help the immune system and is the diet that was created for her/all babies.

It is also more work and money to make, buy, and clean bottles/formula. You will be cursing him under your breath every time you have to wash a bottle or warm one up in the middle of the night :p. And nursing helps you to lose weight as it burns a ton of calories. Your body actually stores fat reserves to burn off while you nurse so if you don't nurse.. it never gets burned off. It also (though last I checked this was not conclusively agreed on) will give you a less likely chance to develop breast cancer if you breastfeed for at least 6 months. He should want what is best for you and the baby which is to breastfeed.

However all that said you could help address some of his concerns by pumping and letting him feed her some bottles sometimes. There are also TONS of ways to bond with a baby. The most intimate one besides breastfeeding is skin to skin contact. Google "kangaroo care" or "skin to skin with baby", basically the baby is just wearing a diaper and he is not wearing a shirt and they cuddle skin to skin. It releases bonding hormones between him and baby. Parents of all babies are encouraged to do skin to skin contact. If a baby is premature it is especially encouraged as babies tend to do better if they are getting skin to skin contact. Also just looking them in the eyes and talking to them helps them to bond and get to know you. Maybe you could get a baby carrier/sling and let him walk around with the baby?

Pretend your husband loves soccer and starts playing soccer a lot with your kid when she gets older and ask him how he would feel if you asked him to stop playing/talking about soccer because you were jealous of the bond they were forming over it? It just seems unfair and not right. And is he going to ask you to stop doing all activities he feels is creating a stronger bond with your child than him for the next 18 or so years? Just some ideas for you anyways.. do what you feel is best for you and your baby and your family but I do hope that you continue to nurse your baby.. of course baby will be fine either way, as long as you are feeding her, but like I know my dad wasn't supportive of my mom breastfeeding so she never did it and then they divorced 5 years later and I think she greatly regrets her decision to listen to him and wishes she had done it. Hope you can hash this out without too much drama over it!

[deleted account]

I too am sorry you have to go through this situation, but as others have said before breastfeeding is the best thing for your baby. My husband felt left out at first, but then I started pumping to go back to work and once he started feeding our son with the breastmilk in the bottle he felt more involved. I think if he does become more educated as to why nursing is the better choice he will understand and encourage it.

On a side note, if he is more worried about the loss of sex then he is being completely selfish. Some men do not understand how physically strained we are with carrying a baby, giving birth, and healing. It's not just a paper cut that heals within a few hours.

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Lori - posted on 07/10/2013

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Thanks for the update Lana! I'm so glad to hear you've found meds that are working for you. And glad to hear you are still breastfeeding. You've made it past your 1 year goal and you're still going!!!!

I found it much easier to continue nursing the 2nd year. With my first I only planned to nurse for 1 year too. At the beginning of that year 12 months of breastfeeding seemed like SUCH a LONG time. But once my baby turned 1, we weren't ready to wean. So we kept nursing till she was 2. With my 2nd I had a goal of 2 years, and she is now 2 1/2 and still nurses before nap and before bed time.

Lana - posted on 07/10/2013

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UPDATE: Vagifem gets a mega thumbs UP! Pricey, but it helped tremendously. Things are going much better now. I was diagnosed with PPD and I am now on meds for that. The BEST part is that I am STILL NURSING :-D

Linnea - posted on 06/08/2013

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Try showing him some research on why breast milk is best for baby and tell him it's not selfish it's the best thing for her. Way to go persevering when the pressure is there to stop! You are doing the best thing for her!! I also suggest - even if you don't "feel like it" (lack of sex drive), choose to do it anyways and prioritize meeting his needs too and building your relationship! Strengthening your relationship is also the best thing you can do for your child!

Lana - posted on 06/07/2013

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UPDATE: 7 months out and he asked to stop nursing again due to my lack of sex drive. He says I have nursed "long enough" and he doesn't know where I got this idea that I have to nurse for a full year "formula is just as good" I have been prescribed Vagifem for the lack of estrogen in my body. Maybe the estrogen will ease the pain.

Esther JaNeil - posted on 02/23/2013

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I would recommend a Moby or a Sleepy Wrap for him to bound with the baby. In addition, bottle breast feeding would be an easy way for him to connect.

Julie - posted on 02/23/2013

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He needs to be patient and a good dad and do what's best for your baby and continue breastfeeding. You should stop when you are ready. Besides he can bond in others ways. I notice with my husband that he infantilizes himself with the kids and I become the mom with everyone. Maybe he doesn't realize he's reacting like a child and doesn't want to share you with the baby. Try finding a way to include him like cuddling while nursing. I didn't like having my breasts touched when i was nursing because they were sore from all the baby's abuse, pinching tugging etc. But I wouldn't have stopped nursing for anything. Stop when you are ready.

Zoe - posted on 02/18/2013

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You Brest feed your child as long as You want to. It's what's best for your child. Becoming a parent is a really big change, but making a decision to bring a child into the world means sometimes compromising on things and maybe putting yourself to the back of queue for a little while, while your child gets what they need.
Please stick to what you feel is right.

Amanda - posted on 02/18/2013

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Honestly, your husband is the one being selfish! I tore with both my delivery, I am pregnant now and I will probably tear with this one too. He needs to be more supportive of you breast feeding. He can bond just as much with the baby with a bottle when you're not around. You still have stitches at your 6 week check up, atleast I did. Explain to him you still hurt, and it's going to hurt the first few times you do have sex again. Breastfeedin has nothing to do with Libido. My husband and I didn't have sex until atleast 4 months later. He needs to be educated on the benefits of breast feeding, plus it is so much cheaper than formula! There are other ways to bond with the baby too, bath time, diaper changings, holding them or talking/playing with them. Also, men don't and will never understand the pain and healing process of giving birth. My sister's husband compared her labor pains to a stubbed toe, it took all my strength to not slap him while she was breathing through the contractions. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, good luck, and don't give up on breastfeeding.

Debra - posted on 02/16/2013

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you can try pumping for a feeding and letting him bottle feed her while you catch up on sleep or get a shower in or something. But your ability to feed your child should trump your husbands need for sex. You tore and I understand that. I was an emotional wreck and didn't feel like having sex for about 6 months after because it hurt so bad. My husband was understanding and I was so emotionally crazy that he didn' t dare suggest anything of the sort because he knew that was called walking on dangerous ground. What is he doing to help you? my libido was shot because i was tired. I was feeding a baby and trying to care for a two year old. My husband gave me plenty of space, burped the baby and helped out around the kitchen. A man with dish pan hands is sexy! He will bond with his daughter in plenty of time, but he has to make that time his own. He can take the baby to burp her, rock her and change diapers. In time she will be a toddler and will run up to him and fling her breast fed chubby arms around his neck. In the mean time, tell him to have patience. You will be back to normal one day but he needs to give you time. Having a baby is not easy, healing takes time. It takes about 18 months to completely return to normal after having a baby or having surgery.

Heather - posted on 02/15/2013

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Hello, I also tried to have sex too soon. It was very painful and I think it made it harder to recover. My midwife scolded us both and described it to my husband like this: the placenta was attached to the uterus. It unattached after delivery leaving a open gaping wound that will cause bleeding for 6-8 weeks. Nothing should be inserted because it could allow bacteria in that can cause infection. That is why you can't take baths, swim, have sex or use tampons. Heal first. I know it was hard on my husband because during pregnancy the hormones made me very much in the mood and then he was cut off. I breastfed all three of ours an average of 20 months. I think that initially it's the sleep depravity, and healing after delivery. Once the baby's routine at night settles in your sex life should pick up. It is also true that having your husband help out with chores, and bathtime etc is like porn for women. Nothing like seeing him do acts of service to help you rest up so you can feel more like a woman than a mom. Give it some time ask for his patience with your recovery.

Laurie - posted on 02/12/2013

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My husband was not supportive at all of my breast feeding my son. He actually tried to tell me that I wasn't going to before he was born. Well, that wasn't going to happen and didn't. I breastfed my son for 16 months, and he actually said to me later that he was glad I did, once he finally educated himself. Now that I am pregnant again, he keeps telling me that it will be too difficult, because he cant feed the baby, and I have to give formula. Well, again , that is not going to happen. I pumped and had frozen milk when my son was a baby, and he still rarely fed him, as i was home with him anyway. Breast milk is what is best for baby, and if you can and are breastfeeding then there is no reason to stop because he feels you should! Do what is best for you and baby, and don't feel badly about it. He should feel badly about pressuring you to stop! Good luck, and stick to your guns!

Tricia - posted on 02/11/2013

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This is not something that Dad can understand or be jealous of. The baby will bond with him a little later over many other things. Right now all your baby needs is nutrition and sleep and breast feeding is best for you and your baby. It may be that your husband doesn't understand that this isn't you choosing to be intimate with your baby as opposed to him. The libido may be lower when you are breastfeeding but this is also just an after birth reality as it is your bodies natural built in way to keep you from getting pregnant again too soon. Hang in there you will never get this time back with your baby, enjoy it.

Rachel - posted on 02/11/2013

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Holy. All my kids took their sweet time bonding with their dad, and now they are all huge fans of his. It's natural. As for your sexdrive? That's just from having a baby at this point. If, in nine months, you still have a low sex drive, you can look into some bioidentical progesterone cream, but give your body a breaka weaning your child will not guarantee the return of your sex drive. You can try pumping, but I could never get. good results. Your Hubby needs to learn to share your body for a while. His sacrifice is nothing compared to the sacrifice you are making to. feed your child the best possible food.

Holly - posted on 02/09/2013

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I'd tell my husband to a. Quit being a dumbass b. shut up! Lol

Oh and I'd pry add a grow up and get real.

Who's the baby here. Him or the infant!

Loretta - posted on 02/07/2013

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If he thinks your libodo is bad now, wait until you add the resentment that you felt pressured to give up the beautiful breastfeeding relationship with your daughter before it was even best for her to do that. Your husband sounds immature and misinformed. Baby's are bonded to their mothers from the time they spent in the womb and until they are about 6 months old, they can barely distinguish their mothers from themselves. This does not prevent them from bonding with their fathers--on the contrary, this strong bond with you will enable her to bond more fully with her father. The most troublesome part of this to me is the fact that he is approaching this as if the bond with your daughter is about HIM and YOU and for HIM or YOU. The reason we want healthy attachments for our children--even when those are to us as their parents--is because it is the best for THEIR development. I know it is normal for new daddies to feel a little left out of this early mother-baby thing, so maybe if he talks to some other more experienced dads it will alleviate some of his insecurities.

Jennifer - posted on 02/05/2013

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if you like you can pump, and he can feed her. i would let him know that you feel that it is better for your child. i breast feed my second daughter and when she started the baby food she did not to any more only at night. not every baby is the same, but switching can be hard on her little system, formula can make it hard for them to poo also. beast milk has its benefits its free, a natural laxative, and you control what she eats with what you eat. as for your time alone let him know that it hurts you, but you still love him. try to get him to understand that you are not fully healed yet but when you feel that you are you can try again. ripping in hard on a woman's body it takes longer to heal then being cut. i know this from ripping on my second, to being cut on my first. i hope you can work out your differences, this is one of the hardest times in a married couples life.

Leyla - posted on 02/05/2013

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I'm sorry if this is mean....but tell him to suck it up. he suggested it and the now because of his selfish attitude he wants you to stop. what about his baby? what about what is best for her?

Mavis - posted on 02/04/2013

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A lot of women have difficulty with sex after having a baby. Different positions may work differently for you than before (if the two of you can relax enough trying out your new body could even be fun).

Pumping and letting him feed the baby could help you three bond as a family. I found that the most effective pumps were electric (I hand a really hard time with manual ones & it wore me out) and expect pumping to have physical adjustments similar to when you started breastfeeding (it may not be comfortable at first). If breastfeeding is working for you and baby, don't let yourself be pressured but if breastfeeding isn't working for you, take a look at some of the formula options (some are gassier than others).

Don't be afraid to give yourself time to adjust to being a mom and being a parent with your husband (it can really change a lot of your relationship dynamics).

All my best to your new family,
Mavis (mother of three with #4 on the way)

Melissa - posted on 02/02/2013

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I was breastfed as a baby, but I had the closest bond with my father. He held me a lot, took me on the truck with him and burped me. I feel the bond comes from time spent with the parent, not necessarily from breastfeeding. Yes, I feel breastfeeding creates a special bond for only mother and child. We are the ones that carried and nurtured that unborn child for 9 months. You deserve to have that special bond. As everyone else has mentioned, Dad can do other things to bond with the baby~things that will work. I feel you should breastfeed as long as you can, because your milk is made just for your baby and she will benefit in many ways from that

Kzed - posted on 01/31/2013

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First of all, your husband is definitely out of line asking you to stop breast feeding, especially since your baby is so little and formula is making her sick. As for the bonding with baby, there are many other ways for fathers to do it, namely baby slings. Hey, you could even pump some milk once in a while and let him feed her while you go out for a bit, or get a full night's sleep!

However, it sounds like you both need to figure out your post-baby relationship. I highly recommend the book "Babyproofing your Marriage", as it deals with the issue of sex and intimacy after babies: www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com, both from male and female perspectives.

Samara - posted on 01/26/2013

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Here's a link for you. http://www.notmilk.com/101.html
Perhaps you can remind him that the benefits to his child are far more important than his grown up needs or wants as a man and that's why children rely on its parents to make good decisions for them regardless of the personal sacrifices to mom & dad. A temporary inconvenience could bring lifelong lasting benefits to your child. It really seems like a no-brainier to me.

Jessie - posted on 01/23/2013

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Firstly libido: its normal for you to not want to have sex so soon after having a baby. im only a first time mum but i have brought up 3 other new borns to toddlers and i knew how exhausting it was. dont let him rush you into having sex if it is painful or your just plain not ready for it.
Secondly him bonding: get him to give her her baths and change her. thats just as good and when your not feeding he can play with her and lay her on his chest. there are just as many opportunities for him to bond the same way as breastfeeding help you bond with her....

[deleted account]

This happened to me though not as early. My husband was supportive at the beginning but beyond a year he started to complain. I said it's not as easy as just saying "It's time to stop", especially if the baby is not ready to stop. My first stopped on his own at 17 months, but my second went on longer. She does have a developmental delay though so I think that's why she wasn't ready to stop. Anyway, I did not let my husband bully my into stopping before either of us were ready. When my daughter was into her third year, I said he would have to be more involved if he wanted to help ease her away from the breast. He didn't have the patience to do this so we continued on until she was ready to stop, reducing the number of feeds till she didn't need it any more.

I am glad I continued on beyond the first year. My son had an unusual bug (cryptosporidia)around his first birthday which meant he had sickness for nearly two months off and on. If he wasn't breastfed, he would have ended up dehydrated and would have lost a lot more weight than he did. It was literally a life saver, in my opinion. My daughter has been quite healthy and the traditional childhood illnesses have been quite mild. Breastfeeding provides invaluable antibodies that you just can't manufacture in formula. I know not everyone can breastfeed but we shouldn't be discouraging those who can. Maybe you can show your husband the science of why breastfeeding is so good. The KellyMom website is really good for that. You should only stop breastfeeding because it is no longer working for you or the baby. Good luck and hope your husband will listen to your concerns.

Lori - posted on 01/15/2013

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Please do not stop breastfeeding. It is the best you can give your baby. It is liquid gold! And what parent doesn't want the best for their child right? The first two or three months are the hardest so don't quit now after all the hard work and effort! I would continue breastfeeding for the year despite how your husband feels. IT"S NOT SELFISH.

But, don't go out on a limb and leave your husband either. Understand that this parenting thing is new to him too. Just like how woman get post partum depression (I had post partum obsession, at least that's what I called it), men too go through changes and emotions. So, try to include him in everything possible. Instead of confronting him aggressively, try to be sensitive to what he may be going through and feeling an kindly explain the benefits and let him know you understand how he feels. Be empathetic. He's jealous. It's kind of cute, I think. My son has never even met his father so to me your husband is showing he cares and wants to bond with the baby too. Don't give up on breastfeeding. Give him some facts. Michael Jordan was breastfed and so was Albert Einstein. Try to give him some good facts that relate to his interest. Who is his favorite athlete or artist? Try to look them up and see if they were breastfed. I agree he needs to be more sensitive to you as well. It's a two way street, but two wrongs don't make a right so don't be insensitive to him just because he's being insensitive to you. Granted, if the situation gets that serious where you feel you need to leave him then you do what you FEEL is right. But I highly doubt it would be just because you chose to breatfeed, there would have to be other reasons as well.

You both are new to this so emotions are all over the place. Be patient. Breastfeeding at first may seem challenging. The first few months all my son did was breastfeed and nurse. He is exclusively breastfed so I didn't do bottles much. Only when I absolutely had to. My sons father left me when he found out I was pregnant, but my family such as my mom and sister were extremely annoyed that I chose to breastfeed because they too felt left out. It bothered me a lot that they weren't being sensitive but at the same time, I tried to understand their point of view. Also breastfeeding was never done in my family so to them, I was doing something very foreign and unconventional to them. Despite all of the heat I got, and trust me my family took every opportunity to make jokes and call me names (seemed insensitive but they did not intend to hurt me), I still breastfed. My son is now going on 11 months old and I still breastfeed. My family got used to it and found other ways to bond with my son. He ADORES his grandma. So breastfeeding will not changes your child's love for their dad.

Encourage your husband to bath them or cuddle them to bed. Do you co-sleep? I did and it was easy for me to nurse my son and sleep. Perhaps you could nurse and your husband can cuddle?

Also, you can pump and allow your husband to bottle feed the baby your breastmilk from time to time. When the baby starts eating solids, at 6 months, then your husband can do the feeding. Let him know that this is just TEMPORARY. He should understand, give him time for his emotions and all the changes to settle in. You guys will get through this. The first couple of months are the most challenging but I promise you it gets easy and it will all be clockwork. Even the breastfeeding. By the time my son was 4 months old, he's feedings were predictable and I was able to nurse him within 7 minutes and then I was done! Let your husband know that the constant nursing (which babies do when they are newborns, a lot of time for comfort) will eventually settle down and become more scheduled and A LOT faster!

Good luck! But no matter what, please don't stop breastfeeding. You are doing such a great job! Your motherly instincts already kicked in you see? You know and FEEL what's right for you and baby, never second guess yourself. My family used to make me second guess myself at first and I always thought I was doing something wrong but it felt RIGHT. I learned to ignore everyone, because EVERYONE always has some kind of advice and opinion on how you choose to parent. Follow your instincts, they won't fail you. Mine never did and I never wanted kids so I had a hard time accepting motherhood too. but once I held my son for the first time, I instantly KNEW him and my instincts always guided me and he is now 11 months and perfectly healthy. So you go nurse your baby and don't for one second ever feel guilty about it.

Lots of hugs :) Good Luck on this beautiful journey!

Melissa - posted on 01/13/2013

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I would tell him where he could stick his stupid attitude. There are about a million other things he can do to bond with the baby; feeding isn't the only way. How can feeding your baby the way nature intended them to be fed be SELFISH?

GAH!

Now, for something more constructive. If he is really keen on feeding her, would you be willing to come to a compromise? Maybe she could have a bottle of expressed milk once a day? I mean, it's not the best thing for her, but it's certainly next to it, and if it keeps your partner supportive it may be the best thing for everyone.

Lindsay - posted on 01/13/2013

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Oh hell no! Who's the selfish one!?!?!?!? Tell your husband that you are doing what's best for your CHILD, the important one now! If he wants to bond there are a million things he can do with her, bathing, changing, cuddling, singing, reading, playing games, etc!! Also PARENTHOOD is what kills your libido, not breastfeeding! Tell your husband to stop being selfish!

Rachel - posted on 01/13/2013

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Try to find other ways for him to bond with her: burping her, rocking her to sleep, giving her a bath, etc. Breastfeeding is best for her, and it won't last for ever. In a few short months, he will be able to help by feeding her solids.

Christine - posted on 01/13/2013

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Glad that you talked to him about it and that he was able to figure out what his issue was and discuss it. Sounds like he is a big help :) and has hopefully discovered there are many ways to bond with a baby besides feedings! Men were not physically/biologically designed to feed a baby which means that they just have a different role in caring for the baby and bonding with them. He just needs to keep exploring to find his (unless he already has)! Glad to see you held strong too. How supportive a woman's boyfriend/husband is of nursing actually makes a huge impact on if women decide to do it or not (statistically speaking). I think it's great that when you were faced with him being unsupportive of it you didn't just stop but decided to get input on it and continue to do it. Hopefully he has learned about some of the benefits and is even more on board with it! And awesome too that you talked it out and got it all figured out.

Lauren - posted on 01/13/2013

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Hi Lana, I'm glad that things are working out for you, hubby and family. I know how trying it is to breastfeed and the trying time it is for your hubby and having alone time. Believe me! My frustration is at a astronomical high because I would love to have alone time with my hubby, but my son is hungry.. often. It was the same way with my 3 year old son too. But just know that "this too shall pass" LOL Your baby girl will grow bigger and when she does you can begin to feed her "big people food". My second son is 3 months now and he doesn't take to formula either. He hurled it so much, my hubby decided to go to back to breastfeeding. And its rough for us as a couple because we don't have a support system around us (family, etc) to help us babysit so that we could have a date day or night. But we make it work somehow but talking our frustrations out. It may get testy at times, but we know at the end of the day we love each other dearly and that's what counts that we understand each other. So based on your response to the commentary, it seems like you are on the right track. Keep communicating with your hubby and breastfeeding.. she won't be breastfeeding for long ;)

Amanda - posted on 01/13/2013

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Try pumping during a session.fed baby on one side while u pump other side. U can make enough to let him fed her right after work. Or in the middle of the night. Then u can either pump while he feeds or sleep! Don't give up though!!

Cathy - posted on 01/13/2013

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Initially I would probably say "Grow Up" and stop being so incredibly selfish, milk is what our baby needs and as her father you should be more than happy to put her needs before yours. However in an effort to keep this from becoming a huge issue I would: 1. Talk to your doctor, you should not be having pain at this point, even if you tore. Make sure you take your husband with you to this appt so that he knows you care enough to pursue feeling better. 2. I would stop being selfish on your part as well. Be grateful that you are the object of his desire and give to him regardless of your "libido". Marraige is about how much you can GIVE to one another, not take. 3. Your baby is a huge ball of needs, she needs diapering, bathing, rocking, cuddling, burping, and feeding, the only thing that he can not do is feed. All the other needs are fair game. Then lastly, you could occasionally pump and let him bottlefeed however the earlier to start routine bottlefeeding, the sooner baby will try to wean from you. Most IBCLC's with encourage 12 weeks of exclusive breastfeeding particularly with the first baby.
RN IBCLC, Fresno CA

Lori - posted on 01/09/2013

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Lana - I'm so glad to hear things are improving for you already. Becoming new parents is quite an adjustment. Between the pain of child birth, hormones, no sleep, constantly caring for another human being (your baby), and worrying over whether you're doing it all "right", it's amazing any of us survive the first few months.

Just keep communication open between you and your hubby, and it sounds like you'll both do great!

Lana - posted on 01/09/2013

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I would like to thank you all for all of your support, and sound advice. I have read all the responses with which I have taken huge chunks of tips and tricks. After talking to him I have concluded that comments made in regards to BF were made out of hurt. He didn't feel that he was able to "measure up" as a dad if he couldn't feed her. After returning to work I found a breast feeding friendly bottle for him to use while he is watching her during the day. I ultimately play stupid most times(share baby tasks)r, . If shes tired and cranky, I have him put her to bed/naps, I have him burp her, help bathe her, Another thing that has help greatly is facing her towards him if i'm holding her, he changes most diapers as well. In the short amount of time since posting this the differences are MASSIVE. Her little eyes follow him where ever he moves too. He even got to experience some of her first smiles!!(jealous lol). I haven't been nagged for sex, or made to feel bad about anything at all really. The HUGE problem he was having was that my emotions were all internal and he felt he couldn't help there, he couldn't quite bond with the baby, and the new baby wiped out my sex drive, and our alone time. Now he feels like a great father and he's content as can be! It feels great to know that my situation wasn't as BAD as it seemed or was at the time.
Thanks again!

Christine - posted on 01/08/2013

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And for the record I would not not not not stop nursing because my husband asked me to, especially over such a terrible reason, within the first year. I might consider it after age 1 and I probably would after 1 1/2-2 years old.. and by that I would I mean I would "start working on it" I wouldn't just one day stop, I would go through the whole process and make it easy on them and help us both transition.

Cari - posted on 01/08/2013

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You can try to get him involved. Pump some breastmilk ahead of time so that he can take a turn feeding your daughter as well. Tell him your also saving him money by not having to buy her formula, which is very expensive ! when he's in the mood maybe you can do other things to satisfy him other then intercourse if it still hurts...maybe even offer him some breastmilk if your comfortable with that.I've heard a lot of guys actually think that's sexy. Make sure he gets quality time with your daughter also, maybe he could help with bathtime. Even if you don't NEED help with something baby related ask him to help anyway so he feels useful :-) even though i would probably be bothered by this as well if i were you, try to remember that your hormones are still a little outta balance and you are both still adjusting to life with baby... Give it some time and try not to take it to heart

Katie - posted on 01/08/2013

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1) Your husband shouldn't be pressuring you for sex. If this is his first complaint about breastfeeding, discontinuing breastfeeding isn't going to change the fact that sex is still painful for you due to tearing. Add to that that your hormones are still adjusting after having a baby, that you're probably sleep-deprived and a little stressed--your libido will probably be less regardless, and that's assuming you have the time for it either way. Tell him to have some patience and in the meantime, enjoy himself, if you know what I mean. You can offer to help out in other ways, but he has to know that after you have a baby, your sex life changes, and he needs to be man enough to realize his needs no longer come first.

2) It's understandable that he might feel a little left out. Encourage him to find other ways to bond with her. My husband changed all of our daughter's diapers (when he was home) for the first few months, and when he got home from work, I'd hand her off to him for snuggle time while I got things done around the house. Let him give her baths or change her. You can also try pumping so he can offer her a bottle of breastmilk maybe once a day or a few times a week. By 2 months, breastfeeding should be established enough that introducing a bottle shouldn't cause nipple confusion, especially if it's only once a day. My husband really liked it when I'd let him give our daughter a bottle at bedtime. He'd get to rock her and put her down. (And I'd pump and watch a TV show--bliss!) It was very special for him.

Sally - posted on 01/08/2013

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The PC thing to tell you would be suggesting other ways for him to bond with the baby and non-sex ways for you to give him attention.
According to my husband, "If he'd rather have his child sick than give up his boobies, he needs to grow up because he is not enough of a man to be a father."
I would say "your body, your rules". They are YOUR breasts, they are attached to YOUR body, and they were biologically designed to feed your baby as she was biologically designed to eat from them. If he doesn't like that, too bad for him. Also, though the hormones can be a factor (nature would be foolish to give you another baby when this one still needs you), the exhaustion of mothering, the pain of not allowing yourself to recover before stressing torn flesh, and the stress of his immaturity are all more likely to be killing your libido than nursing is. Parenthood can be harder for the dad than for the mom because we've had nine more months to get used to it than they have (and we have a lot of hormonal help), but if you don't make him see how selfish and childish he's being now, it's never going to change and will probably get worse as your child gets older or if you have more children.
Good luck

Danielle - posted on 01/08/2013

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I agree that he is the one being selfish here.

First of all, the very fact that he's made you feel guilty about sex when he knows it's painful for you is disgusting to me. He should have more compassion for his wife. Breastfeeding *can* hinder the libido but I'd be willing to bet that the pain you're feeling is more responsible for that than anything else.

He needs to back off and wait until you feel ready for sex. Right now, he needs to find other ways to spend time with you.

As for the little one, there are plenty of other ways for him to bond with her. If he'd really prefer to bottle feed her despite the gas pain that you've witnessed then he really needs to grow up. Putting a baby through pain for his own personal gain is pretty awful IMO. All of my children are daddies boys and all of them were exclusively breastfed and refused to even take bottles. He wasn't able to feed them yet my toddler insisted on dressing up as "daddy" this past Halloween... When they are sick, they all go running to Daddy. It's like I'm chopped liver here despite the fact that I have the boobs.

He needs to find something else and stop being so jealous.

What would I do in your shoes? Well, I'm 32 weeks (almost 33) pregnant and very hormonal so take this with a grain of salt- I would tell him that this decision is important to you, for your child. Give him the health benefits if you want. I wouldn't budge on your stance at all. If he keeps pushing/whining, honestly, I'd consider leaving. It's very harsh but if he's going to be jealous of a 2 month old baby and not see reason, he is only going to get worse. Give him the ability to see how immature he's being first though before you jump to something so rash. He may not realize he's being ridiculous- he might just be sad that he feels left out. Try to include him in other things as much as possible like other's suggested. :) Hopefully he'll see that feeding is not the only way to bond!!

Good luck!

Ania - posted on 01/07/2013

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Seems like daddy is changing into a jealous kid? Read about benefits for you and the baby www.kellymom.com and educate him about it.

Michaela (kayla) - posted on 01/07/2013

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Wow I thought my partner could be immature at times and he's 19 but he completely understands about breastfeeding and is with me all the way he was a little unsure at first because he didn't want to leave me to do the night feeds so he's said he'd get up with me not sure how long that will last but it made me smile also he understands that after we've had our child that sex will be off the books for awhile he just wants me safe and well

Melissa - posted on 01/06/2013

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Omg, That is a cruel thing for your husband tomake you do. He will just have to understand, sex is not in the cards right now. Especially if it hurts. It will just make later in life worse. Don't worry it will come back!!!! Breast feeding is the best thing for you to be doing,if you can do it. I understand it when it does not work for some women but truly the world association on health, (don't know the correct words but look it up.) says the average baby gets breast fed 4-7 years.Now that doesn't mean you have to go that long. Go what is right for you. You need to stand up to him and let him know that that breastfeeding is the best thing for you and for your child! Sex is not. Now that doesn't mean you can't do something else or find creative ways to be together with out it. :0) As in he could give you intimate massages with oil to help calm your sore area, with and understanding of no sex. I do agree there are other ways to bond but from your note it sounded like you don't trust formula. You have to listen to your heart! You will grow into motherhood. We all do. And are still learning. For me. I am still currently breastfeeding my almost 3 years old and am expecting in 2 months with my second. I plan to tandem breastfeed. But my first even though he only nurses 2-3 times a day he is not ready to give it up.And I am just listening to his cues. Really some days he only nurses once so he is weaning but in his time.

Shannon - posted on 01/06/2013

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You need to tell him that its his job to support you. If he wants to bond with the baby he can change her diaper, get her dressed, give her baths. Also you are at a great time to start pumping and getting a supply going. Tell him fine if you want to feed her you get the night feeds, go buy me a pump. He is being selfish, and at 2 months with tearing sex will be painful for a while. I was told no sex for 12 weeks with my son I tore so bad, even then it was painful. Also educate him on breastfeeding. You do need to pick your battles but this is one to defend for sure.

Nichole - posted on 01/03/2013

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I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I just want to encourage you to continue breastfeeding because I believe it is best for the baby. It is also really good for you. I think it is harder for men to understand what baby needs sometimes. My husband initially did not want me to breastfed (uneducated about health benefits), but now is okay with it. He still has a cut off time, but I will let the baby decide. I really hope your husband comes around and understands.

Christine - posted on 01/01/2013

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It is wrong that your husband has asked you to stop breastfeeding. You are doing the very best thing for your daughter and your husband should be very happy about that! I don't believe that breastfeeding kills libido. You do need to let your husband know that you are not healed yet from your tear. He will have to be patient. Babies have a harder time digesting the cow's milk formula as it is intended for calves, not humans. Hence the gas. In order to make your husband feel more included, have him burp the baby after your nurse on one side, then have him change the baby's diaper in between sides, burp again after the second side, etc. He can certainly hold the baby whenever he wishes, and bathe her, etc. There is plenty he can do to help and bond. How could he possibly deny you and your daughter the opportunity to bond without each other? That is so important for both of you. You are not selfish, you are a great mother. Good luck.

Dove - posted on 12/31/2012

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I wouldn't stop under a year. I don't know what I would say or do as I had full support to breastfeed at that stage... There are many other ways to bond with a baby... or many men would never bond with their babies and that just isn't reality.

Breastfeeding may or may not have anything to do with your libido... you just gave birth TWO months ago. I wasn't even done bleeding at that stage my first time around.

If he's feeling left out... find ways to include him. Sorry and good luck!

Cleaver - posted on 12/31/2012

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you shouldn't even be having sex 6 weeks after having a baby. your body needs to heal and get everything back where it should be which it why sex is hurting. it will hurt for longer if you continue having sex.
as for the bonding my husband likes taking baths with his boys feeling them on his skin hed also burp them most of the time. sometimes he even likes to just take off his shirt and their sleeper and hold them.

Lori - posted on 12/30/2012

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Educate him about the benefits of breastfeeding. How much healthier it is for your baby, how much cheaper it is than formula, and how there are health benefits for you too.

http://www.womenshealth.gov/breastfeedin...

http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-breastfe...

And breastfeeding or not, Mommy will always play a special role in babies life. You are still the one who carried your baby inside you for 9 months. Yes, breastfeeding helps you to bond with your baby. But you not breastfeeding won't help Dad bond any better. Celeste is right, there are so many other things that Daddy can do to bond with the baby. Any time Daddy takes care of your baby in any way, he is strengthening his bond. He can carry baby around, rock the baby, use a carrier/sling and take a walk with the baby. He can give baths.

And exhaustion, and still healing from delivery are very likely to be major players in the reason your libido hasn't returned to normal. Getting up several times a night with a newborn will make your first priority be more sleep when you do have a moment of down time. Don't worry too much... this time will pass. But it will take time. Ask you husband to be patient with you.

But it's still a good idea to try to pay some attention to your husband too. Even if it doesn't mean having sex yet. Especially as he's complaining about feeling left out. Encourage him to give you a break by watching your daughter after you've fed her so you can get an extra nap in or something - and then later take some time when the baby is sleeping to just spend quality time with your hubby.

Michelle - posted on 12/30/2012

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So why don't you pump and let him feed her breast milk from the bottle that way you can both bond with her. The libido thing has nothing to do with breastfeeding if you are still hurting after giving birth that is quite normal, healing time is something like to 6-8 weeks if you don't tare so probably longer if you had to have stitches, explain to him you are still healing.

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