Jennifer - posted on 03/13/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )
I'm just going to kind of fill you in on my situation and all the things I'm feeling about it. I think I just need to get it out. Thanks in advance for any replies/advice.
I have been with my fiance since July 2009 and we have a six and a half month old daughter. My fiance and I started out in a kind of odd situation. If you're going to judge, please don't bother commenting. Anyway, my fiance and I started talking while he was separated from his now ex wife. He had filed for divorce but had yet to have someone serve her the papers. We started out friends with a mutual attraction that I said wouldn't go further until he was divorced.
Well, that didn't really happen. One thing led to another... and you all know how that story goes. His ex wife harassed me constantly even before we started dating, and it just amplified when we finally did start seeing each other. She made me feel really wrong for being with him even though they were separated and he had filed for divorce. (He did have her served before were started actually dating) In November of 2009, I found out I was pregnant and then miscarried. And then I found out I was pregnant again the day after Christmas... I know, I know. That definitely wasn't supposed to happen, but it did.
In August, I had our daughter. I cannot believe the love I feel for her. I have loved people dearly, but never like that. Never the way I love my beautiful little girl. :) I think I had the baby blues pretty bad and thought I would never make it through the sleep deprivation and lack of nutrition... but here I am. I have come a long way since then. And I want another child already. My heart is screaming for another child. I feel like I have been waiting to have kids forever. And I'm only 21. I'm pretty young yet and have a lot to do. I work, watch my fiance's nephew monday through friday, am taking a cna/hha class and trying to raise my daughter, not neglect my relationship and keep up with normal stuff like household chores and such. I'm tired... always.
Did I mention my fiance and I are getting married May 1st this year? I'm doing all the stuff to save on money, so it's a lot of work and seems like a ton of money. :( And I'm not sure if I'm getting cold feet or what! I don't like the idea of marriage, but this is ridiculous. The closer I get, the less I want to go through with it. What is wrong with me? And it's not just that... I don't want to have sex anymore. I just don't feel up to it. Is that from breastfeeding? Is it because of being a new mom? I feel like crying all of the time because I want to be able to be intimate and just can't make myself. I shouldn't have to "make" myself... And I already want another child, but I feel like I'm being selfish and dumb. Especially since I'm already running myself ragged and I don't have the urge to become intimate. *sighs* Sorry if I don't make any sense. I need to cut this off. It's getting long. Thanks to those that take the time to read it, and hopefully understand it and reply.