Really need support

Tosha - posted on 05/20/2011

Is it possible that your son is demanding your attention every time you sit down to nurse the baby because he is jealous? Have you tried explaining to him that you have to feed the baby now and you will be with him when she is done? Does he have a favorite book, toy, video that will hold his attention long enough that you can nurse?
Please don't quit. You'll still have to feed her anyway, only it will be even more stressful because you'll have bottles and sterilizing and boiling water then cooling it down etc. etc.
Breastfeeding is best for both of you and it's always available, always sterile, you don't have to worry about forgetting to take it with you or running out and best of all, it's FREE.

Monica - posted on 05/16/2011

Erica, it sounds like you are frustrated from all your responsibilities and breastfeeding just happens to be one of them. I don't like to give advice because I am not walking in your shoes but, speaking from your account of everything it sounds like you need to re-evaluate your relationship and decide if you wish to continue down this road or seek support from others like your family or friends. It isn't helpful to your baby to be stressed out when breastfeeding. Please strongly consider marriage counseling and don't try to do it all; you are only one person.

Laura - posted on 05/16/2011

Tell him that he must "first do not harm". You need balance and quickly. Write out a shedule of what is happening to you- on paper and go over it with him. -alot of men need a visual cue. 2nd- you get your sleep. you go to bed and if your two and half year old is up- it's daddy's turn. Don't expect equal parental care even if he does not have a job. He is obviously not equpt or trained to be an equal partner in parenting and you must accept that you are the primary caretaker. He should do things like clean up, take the older child outside so you can focus on your newborn, be outside house as much as possible. Keep breastfeeding- your child needs it, you need it.

Julie - posted on 05/15/2011

Erica, my heart aches for you. I agree with the other posts that sometimes men just don't have a clue about how hard it is to stay at home with kids day in & out, with no adult stimulation, and minimal sleep. I remember my time on maternity leave and how the days would just run together. Is there a way that if your husband has the day off, you can make a deal with him that for 24 hrs he is the sole-caregiver for your son (getting up, making meals, playing, bath, bedtime, a load of laundry or two) so you can focus on your daughter (heck or just take her for an overnight trip to a family or friends house). The last thing you need is for you to get sick; and this may make him realize how "easy" he's had it. Or, as previously mentioned he's a big boy... so he's in charge of his meals and laundry. Just simply don't wash anything of his and only make PB&J sandwiches. If he complains, tell him you just can't do everything; however, if he'd like to help you out... and maybe show him a journal for a few days that has a time and activity for everything you do. Also, (just because I can be a “witch”) I would not be quiet when he’s asleep and you’re up with the kids. Heck, bring your daughter into your room at night; and if he’s a big napper, vacuum, dust, turn on the tv… in other words, limit his sleep to what you get and see how long he can last… (I know it’s not very nice, but sometimes you can’t “tell” people anything, they have to experience it).

Something that I haven't seen mentioned yet is that post-partum/clinical depression can begin with this type of stress. I believe mine was triggered from stress and guilt (largely driven by my pride and refusal to ask for help), compounded by exhaustion. Unfortunately, at that time, the only med that I could take was secreted into breastmilk , thus my daughter became a "formula-fed baby" at 2 months (which was INSANELY expensive until she turned 1). That being said, is there a counselor at your OB or pediatrician's office that you could talk to?? Talking to someone who you don't know may help make you feel better. They may also (with your permission) be able to have a "heart-to-heart" with your husband. Also, something for you husband to remember is that daycare is very expensive, especially for two kids with one being an infant (we will be paying close to $1,000/mo at an in-home that allows for part-time kids, ages 2 and infant). Is that an added cost he's considered???

I hope everything works out for you!

Kathy - posted on 05/15/2011

I agree with the other moms here, this is more a parenting/relationship issue than a breastfeeding one. I'm the oldest (by 19 months) and my mom quit breastfeeding my sister after a few weeks because she found it too hard to manage a toddler, a nursing newborn and a 1970s era husband who was either at work or wanted his dinner and didn't change diapers. I'm not sure how she could have done it differently, but some thoguhts for you and your son are:

In addition to making sure his food, water, bathroom needs are met before feeding , at 2.5 your son should be able to to entertain himself for at least a little while. Could he hang out in the same room and play or "read" while you and the baby nurse? Maybe he could sing to the baby, so that he feels involved? A front carrier (e.e. an Ergo) can work for nursing too.

Re: your husband - Is there ANY chance that he would listen to the childrens' doctor about how important it is for them (and you!) to sleep et al? One last thought, my guess is you do all the shopping too, perhaps just don't buy the sugar foods (e.g. honey bun) so your husband can't give them to your son at bedtime. It certainly won't solve the underlyig problems, but it's a step towards making things easier for you in the short term.

Good luck, and take care of yourself.

Laurie - posted on 05/15/2011

Erica, I can't even imagine how hard that is for you as my husband is a fully involved Dad. My daughter is 21 months younger than my son so I have the same spread almost and it was really hard. It does get easier so hang in there but you must get some help from your husband preferably or a girlfriend. Do not stand on your pride - ask for help! - you will find that your friends will be more than willing to come over and give you a break (and probably give your husband an earful as well about how he should be helping - which might help as well!). Even an hour here and there so you can get some sleep will help tremendously.

After you try some of the less drastic measures suggested by the other ladies - all very good suggestions - as a last resort you might try threatening to leave him if he doesn't start to pitch in as you might as well be a single mom right now for all the help you are getting and it would probably make your life a lot easier if you didn't have to look after him as well since he sounds like an overgrown kid himself. It sounds like you need to stand up for yourself and start demanding (firm but polite) some help. I would be specific in your demands. General, teary arguments about "you need to help, I am so exhausted" probably won't get you the help you need. Treat him like a toddler and give him very simple, explicit demands at least until he starts to see the stress you are under and step in without being asked to. This may take a long time so just continue to ask for specific help. "Honey, I need you to take older brother to the park for an hour so I can feed daughter in peace." or "I need you to take both of them to the park for an hour so I can get some sleep." I would start with getting him to play with them for a while so that you have a break and move up to the more unpleasant (changing daughter) or complicated chores (making lunch for son). You might also try letting him take care of older brother for a day or period of several hours where he has to feed him and put him down for his nap by himself. It needs to be a long enough period of time that he can't just play with him for an hour or two while you are gone. You take your daughter and go out and visit some friends. You must have some girlfriends that would be willing to help you teach him just how hard it is to look after a 2.5 year old for even a day. You can get some sleep over at your friend's house while she drools over your new baby girl. Most guys don't have any clue how difficult it is to look after one let alone two children and telling them doesn't do much. They need to experience it for themselves when no one else is around to bail them out. When he says you should go get a job you tell him - sure - as long as you stay home and look after the kids. After a couple trial runs when he looks after both kids all day for the length of time you would be gone at work he will more than likely decide that it would be a lot easier if he went and got a job or at least stopped bugging you about it and accepted government handouts. Not ideal, but it would probably be an improvement over the current situation.

Bev - posted on 05/15/2011

make sure your sons bathroom needs are met, he has a snack, and something to do favorite cars, coloring book ect..and tell him baby sister needs help eating and you have to feed her assure him he has all needs met and now your re going to be busy for a while, and then nurse your daughter and concentrate on her being content,,,,mother of 5 ,3kids breast fed 4 or more years.

Bev - posted on 05/15/2011

stress can really drag you down when your trying to nurse a abay...GO ON STRIKE. let the house work go , make easy dinners for you and your other child...and focus on getting a huge drink of water, sit in a nice spot and nurse the baby , who as you can see from having another older child, the baby too will grow up so fast...so stop the madness, nurse your baby ...tell your other child how much you love him ,,,and enjoy the state money while you cn before its ripped from you..No job can reward you the way your childs smile will. Dont let any man or his family tell you when and how or if yur body is ready to go anywhere...mother of 5

Elizabeth - posted on 05/14/2011

Well as far as getting everything done while breastfeeding I use a front pack that helps a lot. As far as everything else I think you know what you need to do and don't need a strange telling you.

Lisa - posted on 05/14/2011

I know how difficult breastfeeding can be. I breastfed my daughter for nearly a year. Probably the most difficult part was that no one else can do it but you. I promise you though that if you get through the first three months its gets tremendously better. Instead of the baby wanting to eat what seems like every five minutes turns into a few times a day. Then they are on solid food and the times you do get to breastfeed you really cherish.
Also I know husbands can be very challenging during this difficult period for you but they literallly have no clue what it is like. Sometimes you cannot just suggest something with them you really need to demand it. I am not saying you need to be rude but just like with your children your husband needs to know that you seriously need help. No matter what his role is, if he is at home or works a full time job he cannot let his responsibilities fall to the wayside.

You are important too not just your kids and your husband make sure that he knows that.

Jo - posted on 05/14/2011

Hugs, more hugs and another hug again.

The other mums are spot on - your husband has issues and I can relate - mine clearly didn't realize what I really needed or didn't care, or was sO bound up in his world that he had no idea his normally capable, independent wife (qualities that I think subconsciously he knows I have more of than he) needed him in ways he couldn't grasp.

I hope counsellong helps. Who would he listen too? If not you, does he have a brother, father, mate, community leader who he respects enough to listen to??

Stick it out if you can - all the comments about money and time are spot on. But most of all, it is the most precious of times for you together. Do you feed lying down? It changed my life; aside from feeding it was substantially more relaxing for me too. Depending on how the 2.5 us with it all, could you do some of the day feeds lying in the floor so you can be near him too?

One thing about men- they are not mind readers. Yours may need to be bluntly but politely told want he needs to do. The technique I used and still use with mine was to have a list of things based in the time they took, run thru the ones I could do and then the ones I needed
Him to do. Sometimes we gave to do it everyday so we can catch up on where we both are. He never understood that breatfeeding takes enormous energy. He needs to know you need several hours rest even in the daytime to keep producing milk, especially in these early months. He needs to hear this often and probably also from sOmeone other than you, someone he respects.

In terms of your health, pay close attention tO your nutrition; u could easily be iron deficient already which will
Make you even more tired. Yr gp should be able to get your blood tested. Also, get some help for anxiety; there are herbal supplements that can really help and won't stop you breast feeding. Find a Natropath who specializes in new mums soon!!!

Dear, hang in there. You are doing an amazing job.

Angela - posted on 05/13/2011

My daughter likes to but into breastfeeding time for her brother too. I try to plan for when I know the baby will need to eat but it doesn't always work. Try to think ahead of your son, what might he want while you're nursing? Clean diaper, snack, crayons and paper, sippy cup of favorite drink. Then you can color together while you're nursing! My husband is a bit more helpful than yours and I have to calmly remind him sometimes that the baby needs me right now, I have to sit down and take care of the baby. Some other things that may work to say to him are if he wants to save LOTS of money not using formula, this is the way it needs to be. Or your milk will dry up if you don't take care of yourself. Also you get more wic for yourselves if you are not buying formula since nursing mothers get additional nutritious food like peanut butter and more milk. Also you can't have the energy to take care of the children let alone work if you aren't able to sleep. Can you leave your son with your husband by himself if you don't have anyone else to watch your son while you take a nap? Will your husband take your son to the park and then for ice cream or something for 2 hrs it would give you a little time to relax.
Good luck. Keep nursing. It will be a lot more stressful if you have to purchase formula on top of it all, then keep bottles clean and mix and warm formula up!

Erica - posted on 05/13/2011

i am doing my best to keep up with the breastfeeding but every time is sit down to feed the baby my son needs something and of course i my husband is home then i have to do even tho i am feeding. so i dont even get quiet time when i am feeding. i am doing the best that i can right now. i have been going to a breastfeeding support group that meets on thuresdays and i did go yesterday and it helped out a lot. so i think i can make it till next week.

Mirie - posted on 05/13/2011

I don't know what to say except: Good luck, but please don't quit. It's time well spent with your girl & at least you get some time to sit or lie down.

Try and take the rest in the stride. I know it's easier said than done. I struggle everyday, my stress levels are higher than my gynecologists and I have similar problems. Just not on your level.

Good luck, I hope everything will get better! I admire you, you have 2 kiddies!!!

Meisha - posted on 05/13/2011

i agree with the other 2 posts totally, please keep breastfeeding as its important in many ways and gives you some nice quiet time with your new baby, and you'll find it a real help in the future with calming her and getting her to sleep if she's sick. no offense but your husband sounds like an asshole! some couples counselling would be a really good idea, you shouldnt be doing all this on your own. your kids are also missing out on having an involved dad who sets a good example too.
i hope things improve for you! big hugs x

Daniela - posted on 05/12/2011

Erica, you must be so exhausted! I have a man who treasures his sleep a little too much as well and is not a big fan of housework, but at least I only have one child to take care of and it's not a newborn either. I agree with everything Kathy said. If breastfeeding is working well, don't give it up, it's that bit of quiet time amidst all the madness. Would you consider co-sleeping for a while in order to get more sleep? Do you have family living close by, who can give you a hand with housework? My daughter was kind of a fussy baby plus I started working when she was six months old, so I had to learn just to do the bare minimum when it comes to housework. At the end of the day your husband will have to start pulling his weight a little though. You can't be expected to do everything AND not sleep, that's just ridiculous. I really hope things are going to work out for you. Another big hug coming your way!

Kathy - posted on 05/11/2011

ERica, you need a BIG hug - you're reaslly doing it tough! Kudos to you!

It really sounds to me as if this is not a breastfeeding problem, but a relationship problem. Your husband really needs to get his act together. Your communication is all out of whack.I would strongly suggest that you organise some couples counselling.

While you're doing this, is there anyone who could keep an eye on the kids for an hour or two while you get some rest? Maybe you could ask a friend/family member to maybe bring you a casserole occasionally so you can have a break. Minimise your housekeeping - if it's not a hygiene problem, leave it till tomorrow and give yourself a break! And babies and toddlers only need a bath every few days - give them a good wipe over!

But I emphasise - some relationship counselling is essential to try and get yourselves out of this hole.

Treasure breastfeeding as a chance to sit down with your baby. Just hold her! Take the opportunity to have your toddler with you for a quiet time, or if he won't, let him watch TV. Yes, I know too much TV is not a good thing, but sometimes ideals have to go by the wayside!

Sending lots of hugs!