My kid is a bully

Melissa - posted on 11/29/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

Brief background: I life with my bf and his 10 yr old daughter. Before we moved in together 1.5 yrs ago he lived with his mother and step father for about 1.5 yrs. During this time the child was waited on hand and foot. When she goes to grandma's now she is excessively rude to her and tells her what to do and to do things for her. We have asked the grandma repeatedly to stop allowing this behavior and it starts a fight that apparently I am responsible for. The child has an excessive amount of clothes and we have asked the grandma to stop buying her clothes. She refuses to listen. We also asked her to stop giving her snacks after school because she doesn't eat her dinner. She again kept doing it. She would also sneak snacks into the school for the child without us knowing. She would then tell the child to to not tell us/lie to us, depending on the situation. She is now not allowed to have any "unsupervised" time with grandma and grandma is not allowed to pick her up from school any more.

She called her teacher a b**ch about a month ago because she did poorly on a spelling assignment (even though the teacher said over and over to use a dictionary-- she said she didn't feel like getting up to get one). We thought we had the issue resolved .... I went in for Parent/Teacher Conferences to find out that she called a substitute teacher the same thing because "she gave them a science assignment" which I guess she did poorly on. During the conference she got straight A-'s, however, scored low in the conduct sections of "Respecting Others" and "Taking Responsibility." I have tried to instill these things into her, but obviously I need help.

I went into speak with the school counselor for advice and was informed at this time that she is a bully to other children. Especially is she doesn't get her way. She's not physical with them, but I want to take care of it before it gets to that point. She basically is bullying them into doing what she wants.

I tried to speak to her father about this and he seems to think that I'm just talking negatively about his daughter and is "tired of hearing about it." I am only seeking help from him and since I am with her most of the time, I encounter most of the lieing (EXCESSIVE about EVERYTHING) and the rudeness. He understands she has a problem, but all he does is yell at her for it, and it obviously isn't working.

When he gets home at night, if she had been in trouble with me, she tries to get cute and cuddly with him and tries to put me on the outside. (She's a smart kid.)

I'm at a loss and don't know how to approach her. Everything has to be about her. Even when I was opening birthday presents this past weekend, she told me she wanted my things. I told her no, that they were my gifts. My mother and I were then looking at a couple hats she had bought for our cousins and she repeatedly said she would take one. She's not rude about it, but we told her three times that they were for someone else for Christmas.

So with all the lieing and being disrespectful, the main thing I am worried about is the bullying. I have seen her be mean to her cousins about things that grandma bought her and not them, and can see that one day it will turn into phyical bullying if something isn't done now.

I know this is a lot of info, but I didn't know how much info to give and I call her "the child" because I don't know if I should use her name...