My kid is a bully

Melissa - posted on 11/29/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Brief background: I life with my bf and his 10 yr old daughter. Before we moved in together 1.5 yrs ago he lived with his mother and step father for about 1.5 yrs. During this time the child was waited on hand and foot. When she goes to grandma's now she is excessively rude to her and tells her what to do and to do things for her. We have asked the grandma repeatedly to stop allowing this behavior and it starts a fight that apparently I am responsible for. The child has an excessive amount of clothes and we have asked the grandma to stop buying her clothes. She refuses to listen. We also asked her to stop giving her snacks after school because she doesn't eat her dinner. She again kept doing it. She would also sneak snacks into the school for the child without us knowing. She would then tell the child to to not tell us/lie to us, depending on the situation. She is now not allowed to have any "unsupervised" time with grandma and grandma is not allowed to pick her up from school any more.

She called her teacher a b**ch about a month ago because she did poorly on a spelling assignment (even though the teacher said over and over to use a dictionary-- she said she didn't feel like getting up to get one). We thought we had the issue resolved .... I went in for Parent/Teacher Conferences to find out that she called a substitute teacher the same thing because "she gave them a science assignment" which I guess she did poorly on. During the conference she got straight A-'s, however, scored low in the conduct sections of "Respecting Others" and "Taking Responsibility." I have tried to instill these things into her, but obviously I need help.

I went into speak with the school counselor for advice and was informed at this time that she is a bully to other children. Especially is she doesn't get her way. She's not physical with them, but I want to take care of it before it gets to that point. She basically is bullying them into doing what she wants.

I tried to speak to her father about this and he seems to think that I'm just talking negatively about his daughter and is "tired of hearing about it." I am only seeking help from him and since I am with her most of the time, I encounter most of the lieing (EXCESSIVE about EVERYTHING) and the rudeness. He understands she has a problem, but all he does is yell at her for it, and it obviously isn't working.

When he gets home at night, if she had been in trouble with me, she tries to get cute and cuddly with him and tries to put me on the outside. (She's a smart kid.)

I'm at a loss and don't know how to approach her. Everything has to be about her. Even when I was opening birthday presents this past weekend, she told me she wanted my things. I told her no, that they were my gifts. My mother and I were then looking at a couple hats she had bought for our cousins and she repeatedly said she would take one. She's not rude about it, but we told her three times that they were for someone else for Christmas.

So with all the lieing and being disrespectful, the main thing I am worried about is the bullying. I have seen her be mean to her cousins about things that grandma bought her and not them, and can see that one day it will turn into phyical bullying if something isn't done now.

I know this is a lot of info, but I didn't know how much info to give and I call her "the child" because I don't know if I should use her name...

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4 Comments

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Lisa - posted on 02/22/2011

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Wow, I feel your pain as you go through a lot for your bf child. Thank you for all the info as it helps paint the picture. Now my advice is just my opinion and ultimately you have to decide. I had a friend who tried to take over mothering a child of her boyfriend who had obviously been raised with some serious behavior issues. The result after years of her efforts were a sad result as she was the only one putting in effort. You will one day have children of your own. You are not married so please don't make the mistake of trying to correct someone else's child especially when you are on your own. You sound like a very intelligent, caring woman that will make a wonderful Mother someday, but please consider your long term relationship in this case because I doubt this girl will change if you are the only one trying. You cannot-i repeat-cannot raise children with a man who does not share your values and parenting methods. The child(especially the smart ones) will always sense the discord and work the easier parent...result is a very strained relationship with you and your boyfriend. I can't say get out of the relationship, but if he doesn't agree the girl needs counseling and team up with you...you will never be happy. As for Grandma....she is trying to overcompensate for the "trouble" her granddaughter has had in the past. Sad thing is, we all have trouble and she should be teaching her respect and honesty, not to be a spoiled brat. I would stop giving the girl ANYTHING for a LONG time no matter how much she screams and cries until she starts to say thank you. Good luck and I hope you find a solution. Again - this is just my opinion from an outside view, only you know all the details and what's right to do. :)

Rosie - posted on 02/04/2011

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Wow, I really don't know what to say to you other than I am sorry that this is happening. I think you will not be able to get through to your partner mum no matter how hard you try to explain things. You haven't said too much about if the child's mum is in her life or not. I would suggest if possible to talk to her school and explain where you are coming from and hopefully they will be able to get some sort of help for her. My daughter who is 7 is getting quiet angry at the moment over little things. Bullying is a hugh concern for all parents and I think that atleast if you are putting it on this website then you must be concerned which is a good thing for her.
I really hope this works out for you all sounds like you are not getting enough support from your partners side which wouldn't help thing either. Good Luck.

Aundrea - posted on 01/13/2011

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Sounds similar to a situation that I have dealt with. It sounds like this child may have oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). I would try to talk her dad into taking her to counseling. You didn't mention mom, I don't know if she is in the picture, but I know when my daughter would see her father, (very seldom) it made her very upset and the behaviors would get worse. I wish you lots of luck. I have recently withdrew my daughter from school for being bullied everyday at school and have seen a change in her for the better. With this girl being the bully if things don't change now they will escalate to physical. I wish you the best, it sounds like you are really concerned about this little girl and she is lucky to have you, she just doesn't see it yet

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