Does your working husband make you feel worthless because you are a stay at home mom?

UNKNOWN - posted on 08/18/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )




I am a stay at home Mom of 1 and pregnant with my second. My husband sometimes makes me feel like because I do not have a steady job like he does that I am not contributing to the family. He often makes me feel like I am lazy and a bad mother. I don't think he means to make me feel this way. I know he loves me more than anything. Maybe its my hormones. I have his supper cooked everynight when he gets home. I have all his clothes cleaned and put away. I even lay out his clothes for the next day. Our house is spotless and I take care of our 5 year old. He thinks that I sleep to much. I am 5 1/2 months pregnant. I am up and down 100 times a night to go pee, my hips hurt and I don't get a good nights sleep. So there for I sleep when I can. He tells me this morning that I act like a teenager sleeping all the time. He is mad at me because our son is on the same sleep schedule I am. He goes to bed about 10 ish everynight. He is up about 4:30 everymorning and goes back to sleep around 7 and sleeps till about 9 or 10. My husband says this is not healthy. I know he is right. I know our son should be on a regular sleep schedule so when he starts school next month he will be alert and ready in the mornings. Does this make me a lazy and bad mother? Advice please....I feel like one!


Anna - posted on 09/03/2010




Oh off cause it doesnt, its so hard having your second child, my husband has just been reading this with me and he was saying excuse why dont your do theses things !!! :-) you sound like a great mum and wife be proud you do enough and also your expecting, your body is telling you too rest so you rest for your health and your baby....your son is going through changes one a new baby and two starting school both big things he will settle down, your doing a great job hun, your a great mum and wife it probably your hormones I was the same too but I was always crying x

Holly - posted on 08/27/2010




you are doing the most important job anyone could ever do and that is taking care of your own child

Kristen - posted on 08/28/2010




I know most people tell me that all kids should be in bed by 8 and blah blah blah (my sons do go to bed at 8 in the winter - its a lot easier for them to sleep if the sun isnt shining into there rooms - maybe try buying thicker drapes or hanging a blanket over the bedroom window) but in the summer i tend to let them stay up till 8 30 or 9 .. it depends on the day if i can tell my oldest is in a really cuddly mood and just wants me to hug him i give him a little longer on those days ... i feel if your son is waking up after 6 - 7 hours of sleep that putting him to bed earlier will make him wake up earlier too at first but if you keep telling him that its still bedtime and that he needs to keep sleeping until the sun is out he will eventually get used to it.
and i am going to agree with elizabeth about the jealousy thing (same thing with my man) however it is still unreasonable,rude, and disrespectful of him to act that way and say those things. tell him he can comment on how much you sleep AFTER he carries a baby for 9 months! but really dont take it to heart because hes upset you dont work because you shouldnt have to! And if he wanted you to keep working he should have thought of that before having a family! daycare is very expensive unless you have an amazing job you would pretty much be working to pay the daycare bill anyway! i dont think your a lazy or bad mother your body is growing an entire new person so i dont care how hard your hubby works it doenst compare!! just make sure that if your ever over tired especially after your child is born to ask for help when you need it so you can take cat naps here and there.


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TaTanise - posted on 09/05/2010




I'm going to weigh in on this one because I was there. To begin, I just think your husband lacks understanding. It might help to have your OB/GYN speak to him about the importance of rest for you. I did that and it worked wonders. Because your child IS getting adequate rest, I can't say the sleeping schedule is unhealthy. This is a matter of the "Jones". What works good for one household might not be right for another. Your not lazy NOR are you a terrible mother. You line right up to the bible's standards of a virtuous woman who is blessed and a ruby. But that's entirely a different topic.
~ Stay at home mother of 6 and housewife

Lin - posted on 09/03/2010




You are not a lazy and bad mother - I know of adults without having to care for anyone else have messy homes, always having to eat out, and get into the habit of buying new clothes instead of doing laundry. Kudos to you dear for keeping up with the house and your two guys while growing a baby at the same time!

What may also help you is if you cut back on some of the things you do around the house - the less you're doing gives you a bit more time to rest/sleep. Sure, neither your husband or son can clean the house during the day, but your husband is an adult and can put his clothes away and dress himself. He can occasionally cook supper for you all. Your son, if he doesn't do it already, can help tidy up and put things away - I've seen 15 month olds throw away their paper plates from lunch, your son can do it (and he might be expected to do so at kindergarten).

In your problem with your husband making you feel lousy, ask him how much it is going to cost him to hire someone to do all the work you do when/if you are put on bedrest, and maybe show him a few prices in your area for childcare, cleaning, transportation, cooking, laundry, etc. (some laundromats will clean and fold your clothes for you - all you have to do is deliver the laundry). Ask him what lazy teenager would do all this work for free in additional to carrying his child, tell him it hurts your feelings to hear him stay things like that, remind him you are his wife and the mother of his children, and deserve a little more emotional support during this difficult time; him having to see how much you do contribute monetarily each month may open his eyes. Sorry for the soapbox moment, but I have family members who think I don't do anything because I'm a SAHM too and it gets under my skin too.

In regards to your son's sleep schedule, is there anything waking him up - an alarm, a neighbor's ride honking the horn, etc.? I had a problem with my kids getting up early and discovered that it was really bad on days when my husband's 3 alarms were being put on 5-minute snoozes for 45 minutes - our kids' room is right across from ours. So when I started making my husband get out of bed and take care of the kids when his alarm went off too much, he started to get up after the first alarm sooner, and the kids stopped getting up as early on a regular basis. One of my friends had to get thicker curtains to block out the early morning light from the sun (and lights from the street and cars) shining into their kids' window to keep them from waking up so early.

With your sleeping, talk to your doctor - s/he may be able to give you a prescription for a sleep aid or the go-ahead to take Tylenol PM (which may help your hip issue too).

I hope some of this helps....hang in there!

Becca - posted on 09/02/2010




My husband get his little digs in about me not doing anything and sleeping too much but I'm 5 1/2 months pregnant with #3 and I totally feel ya about the pee'ing all night and the pain that sets in when I've been up doing too much. I agree the your 5yr old needs to be on a much better sleep schedule... if you know this and it will keep your husband off your back a little, fix the problem. Start working on changing his sleep patterns... It's easy to make our kids adapt to our schedules but if your a stay at home mom you really need to set bedtime guidelines and change your schedule to fit his needs. Getting this under control now will make a huge difference when your new baby comes... For all the other things he may say, don't worry about it. I find that I take things way more personally because on some level these are things that I may feel myself at ay given time, so when he says things it sometimes hits a more sensitive nerve... Keep doing what your doing, sounds like your doing a great job to me!

Abbyh84 - posted on 08/28/2010




Honey, if you are anything like what you just described, you are a wonderful wife and mother. You should consider telling your husband how he makes you feel sometimes with his comments and also make a list of all of the things you are responsible for at home. When I left my job (which I loved) I actually felt that it was easier to be a working mom than a stay at home mom. It's a full time and after hours job! When you talk to him, take responsibility for the sleep schedule issue so that he doesn't feel as if he's being attacked and work out a line of communication so that you can both live in an environment conducive to a healthy marriage and a happy family. My sister-in-law once told me this when i was whinning about feeling worthless for not working. She said " What you do does not define who you are. It's the way you touch the lives of others around you that defines who you are." I still have those days of feeling worthless, but we have to remember that we are doing the most important and hardest jobs out there...raising the future....not asking anyone else to do it for us. :)

Elizabeth - posted on 08/23/2010




Maybe the two of you can compromise. Step your son's bedtime back by half and hour every couple of days until you can get to be in bed at a reasonable 8 PM. I bet your hubby just wants some time alone with you.

When he wakes up, don't let him go back to sleep, just be up for the day (it will be hard!!!). Try a "rest" period after lunch. Also, by not going back to sleep for those 2-3 hours in the mid-morning, he will be more than ready for bed earlier.

You should definitely nap during the rest period too. Being sleepy is very common in pregnancy. Gently let your husband know that your body is telling you to get more rest, and it's only going to tell you to do things that are good for the baby. If you need back up, ask your doctor to speak with your husband about how taking a nap and getting a good night's rest is very important.

He also might be jealous ;) Not of the sleep, but I know for awhile my husband was a little jealous I get to stay home with the children. He didn't think the work I did was low quality, he just wished a little that he could be the one to stay home once in awhile. Once we got that out in the open, it was a lot easier for me to realize his frustrations were not with me, but more about how working long hours and finishing a Master's degree at the same time meant he was missing out on both of our kids' lives. HTH

Kim - posted on 08/19/2010




He is right that the 5 year old needs to be on a much better schedule. But, its not as easy as He or even you think. But I also know how you feel about feeling like you dn't do anything right.

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