From Nurse to SAHM in new town with husband gone 25 days a month....Going Crazy!!

Tina Marie - posted on 03/25/2013

Wow, you are facing some challanges, but NOT insurmountable ones.(My husband had taken a job in a city 3 hrs away and was gone from Sunday night - Thursday night. I returned home full time for out 2 kids in a new town without friends. I totally get where you're at.)
So here are my random thoughts based on my experiences, use or toss what applies.
First the other ladies are correct, go to a church, go to several, check them out. Most larger ones have a MOPS or SAHM group or just meeting a couple ladies for coffee will be immense help. You must do something a couple hours a week away from the kids. PT job, volunteer ( you could bring them with you to volunteer somewhere). They NEED to see Mom interact with others, smile, laugh, converse, ect., not alone all the time growing bitter, and matte. *Keep a journal, include the daily tasks, mundane, random thoughts ect. this will help you get it out of your head as well as for discussions later with your husband. Studies show being alone constantly (without random outside stimulation) will also age you and deteriorate brain cells.
Can I ask how long your family has decided to live seperately like this? A major problem with split households is that both parents create their own seperate lifestyles. Typically its the man that goes out of town, as it applies here so I'll explain. Both adults create their own schedules, interests and daily patterns, moods ect. Then the husband returns home to find that the children refer to mom for everything, there isn't a relationship established between husband and children, They are no longer accustomed to moods, personalities, pet peeves ect. Dad ends up fighting for authority, feels liek a stranger, and kids then view him as a PT Dictator that arrives and complains about everything OR Dad becaomes the PT Fun weekend guy with out any responsibilities trying to make up for being gone. Ususally one extreme or the other. Then Dad gets fed up and its just easier for him to go back to his quiet, self centered routine out of town and everyone 'thinks' its better this way to avoid fighting.
PLEASE realize your children need to see you feel valued and healthy. It's for their growth as much as it is yours. Get a parttime job or volunteer somewhere in your field. Being a SAHM is a fantastic career as long as it's healthy for all involved. In a split family scenario you are a single mother, so ask yourself this, "What would happen if I was technically a single mother?" What decisions would you make then? What supportive reseources do you have? (I recently read an article about a 20 year marriage in a rut so they pretended to be divorced and each parent had to take over all responsibilites for everything in the home a few days a week. It really helped both of them to regain some of their independence and respect for the other.) Plus your being emotionally happier would be beneficial to your marriage too as well as to yourself.

**Attend City/Town Council Meetings/ or even volunteer in a political group-- you'll be greatly appreciated, meet lots of good people and get into activites free. The following places have community boards and are socially minded for the community; Churches, Community Centers, Libraries, Homeschool groups usually KNOW all the best local stuff, Bowling or sports, Soup Kitchens, Shopping Centers, Clinics, Hospitals, Gardening Centers, Co-ops, Scouts/ 4-H, Craft Stores

Libraries have millions of books to help you and most will say to take care of yourself well if you want to take care of your children successfully.
Good luck, I'm sure you'll do fine, you sound like a lovely person.

Bethany - posted on 03/18/2013

I have just transitioned to a stay at home mom after working for 7 years as a dentist. Not by choice, but because of multiple herniated discs. It is quite the transition. I like it, but still it is strange to go through having something tangible to say that you accomplished today...like "I went to work and made money, or went to work and did this". I will tell you, there are days that I feel like I have not done enough...or don't really know what to do? I have a 2 year old son, very busy. There are days that I just want to tell my husband, when he asks, "So what did you do today"....I just want to say....Ummmmm...I did not kill the baby and did not burn down the house. :) I am transitioning into the stay at home mom community, and my husband came from a stay at home mom home. He has never once said, I wish my mom worked. Even though you may be feeling like you are not doing enough...you are. Your kids have the comfort knowing you are AVAILABLE, even if they don't express it now, they will come to value it. Day by Day you will figure it out. I told my husband that I needed him, not to ask questions like "So, what did you do today". It's ok to watch TV and work out...and take time for yourself. That does not mean that you are neglecting. I'm sure you children will eventually appreciate a more relaxed mother...but keeping up with 4 acres does not sound restful. You need some help girl. Your husband cannot expect you to be the go to gal for everything. That was another conversation I had to have. It's all about expectations. In my situation, my husband is a CPA, so I am a tax widow for 4 months of the year and I'm sure he "deep down" feels a little resentful of the extra time I have. I get it and told him I understand and thank him for his work, he thanks me for mine. I think it would be incredibly difficult to have a DH that is not understanding or has unrealistic expectations. That fact that you are even worrying about this is a good sign that you are not a slacker by any means. Yes, of course I'll do a load of laundry or go get the groceries, but it is not easy to stay home...especially after being in a work environment. I get it. I sometimes feel lost. We will figure it out day by day. You children will appreciate that time right after school they get to see you and the comfort of you being available. Don't "Mommy Guilt" yourself about not doing enough. I have the same thing. 4 acres...get a cheapo blue- ring pool this summer and live it up with them. Balance...a hard thing to find...but hopefully we can find it. Don't kill yourself trying to be the "perfect soccer mom" :) While I was working I had these grand ideas of what stay-at=home moms did....don't feel guilty if you are in your jammies all day. I can guarantee that if a stranger asked your children, does your mommy do enough for you...or do you like your mommy staying at home....that they would unequivocally say YES!!! It will take some time to find your groove and extracurricular's that you enjoy like the other ladies said.

Stacey - posted on 01/28/2013

I agree with Tara. Get the kids together with other friends. Can you work PRN anywhere once a month just to keep your skills up and meet other nurses in the area?

Bunko or book clubs can be fun. Do you have a church that you have connected with? You HAVE to connect or you will drown!!! I totally understand and have been there. I'm a nurse, SAHM and full-time blogger and writer. Finally found my friends, voice and fun. It takes awhile, but you have to go search for it!

Tara - posted on 11/04/2012

Do you have any playgroups that are close that you might be able to join?

Chloe - posted on 09/10/2012

Thanks for the ENCOURAGING rating Sally.



I love to help others by giving them ideas of how to use their talents.

Anyone need help , give me shout.



Chloe

Chloe - posted on 09/04/2012

Wow, I would love to help you. You are an expert in so many areas, have you ever considered using your skills to educate others in your community?



I bet that would boost your self worth tremendously.



Chloe

Mildred - posted on 09/02/2012

Sounds like you have a lovely setting but are dealing with the big bad wolf of CHANGE! In our 34+ years of marriage we have moved into at least 10 different communities (lets not count the houses! :) ) and 2 of those were even into different cultures. So I know all about fear, and lonliness, and wondering "how on earth did I get HERE?!"

My best advice is to decide WHAT you actually want and/or can do, taking into consideration what's best for your kids. (They are going through a change, too.) Write out the pros and cons. If you want to be a SAHM then figure out a way to use your training, skills, and interests to meet other people. Maybe you can do an occasional workshop to help people learn how to deal with certain conditions (diabetes, pregnancy, caring for aging relatives - I don't know what your area of expertise is). If money is an issue, consider starting a home business or taking a casual position at the local hospital or care home. And if being a SAHM isn't what you want long term but its your only (or best) option right now, then take it one day at a time and be sure you find joy in where you are right now. I think we tend to spend a lot of time 'waiting' for the next best thing and forget to see the joy and beauty around us!

As for chores, a 10 year old is quite old enough to be helping with the mowing and floor scrubbing, and a 4 year old can definitely do some simple chores too. Involve them in your day to day activities and enter into the playtimes they have too. Find friends - yes, go looking! - and in a few months you'll wonder why you were so stressed! :) And don't forget, hubby probably isn't having the time of his life either - 25 days a month away from the people he loves best? He probably hates it as much as you do, even though he may have more work-activity to fill the daytime hours!

{{{{Hugs}}}



Mildred Carroll

I Refuse to Participate in the Poor Economy -

I Love My Life!

www.Mom2Six.com

Lauren - posted on 08/19/2012

I also left nursing to stay at home and talk about CULTURE shock!!!! Are there any local places to go where other SAHM's go? What size is the city you live in?

Sally - posted on 08/12/2012

Beck Lyn, I know exactly how you feel! I was in the same position until I started working from home. It really changed things around for me and I'm a new person!! Maybe you need to try doing something for yourself.. something you can enjoy while you're home with the kids. :)

Chaya - posted on 07/27/2012

I'm big on church,so I recommend that again. You may find someone who will babysit cheap or free. I'm certian there are good hospitals in your community, if there aren't go to a rotten one and improve it.

BeckyLynn - posted on 07/27/2012

Money is tight we moved with the intent of me getting a job doubled my house payment and his pay increase is only 350/month not to mention he now has to pay for his own fuel daycare is expensive and he is never home so no a job is not an option thanks for the post though! Church is definitely an option!

Chaya - posted on 07/27/2012

You can afford good daycare, you can get a job. If your husband doesn't like it, tell him to deal with it. If you want to join a book club or a gym, join one, better yet, join one that has daycare.
If you aren't a member of a congregation, you can go to any church, they don't care if you're a member or not.