HOW ARE YOU ALL DOING IT?

[deleted account] ( 17 moms have responded )

Hi my name is Brittany. I was at one time a total loser. I was a selfish 16 year old highscool dropout. I had been on my own since I was 15. I got pregnant and married at 16, and after some growing up went back to school, and onto college. I married out of stupidity. he had issues miles long. I divorced him, dropped out of college, and worked and worked, and eventually became s police officer. I had a very high powered career that I was great at. Eventually I remarried. My husband is educated and a great man. however he is also a police officer for a different dept. He adopted (our daughter). She had just turned 3 at the time. Our jobs (the long hours, the out of town trips ( I worked out of town) and the separate living arrangements..I worked REALLY out of town) began taking an emotional, and physical toil on our baby. So I quit, thinking it would be best for us all. I am SO unhappy. I have the type of personality where I need to be constantly doing or creating something..making progress somewhere. It sure shows. My baby who just turned 4 is reading. She does basic math, and is learning asl among other things, but I need to do something for me. I push her to hard and I see it. I am working on it, but I don't know what to do. I need to be able to pour myself into something constructive. I need to feel useful and accomplished. Now I'm pregnant, about 5 months. It brings on a whole other set of issues. I used to run miles a day before prego. I have asthma and can't take an inhaler, so I can't run now. I feel gross and like a blimp. I know its unreasonable, because I'm not. Its that need to be accomplishing something that makes me feel that way. I'm 21 and I feel like such a failure because I don't have a degree yet, and I'm not fluent in other languages. I just need to accomplish, but now I don't know if it would be wise to go back to school yet. I feel doomed like I have just given up the next 3 to 5 years of my life to this baby. My husband won't really be there to help. The hours are very long and we don't have any family in this state, and due to his contract moving is not an option for at least another year and a half.I need help coping..

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Cesly - posted on 08/06/2010

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I salute and envy you! with all your experiences, you manage to stay strong. Some people would give up but you just didn't and that alone is an accomplishment that even if you didn't finish your study in college, you were able to raise your kid. You know what you don't have to rush to college and have a degree. Your job now is the most difficult one among the others, raising kids and shaping their personality and being is really hard. Honestly we're kind of in the same situation, I married at the age of 19(I'm 27 now) and didn't finish college and the worst part is that I can't work because i have to stay at home for my daughter who has a very special condition and that made me feel like a loser because I can contribute any financial support but instead of feeling that I said to myself that I shouldn't feel that way because I have the most important job of all and seeing your kids grow everyday does not worth a penny. Your accomplishment would be seeing your kids one day having a good life and successful when they grow up. If you really want to accomplish something for yourself, set your goals and number it down. You can try online learning to learn new skills and improve yourself and then you can use those newly learned skills to land a job online. have you heard Brainbench? you can learn new skills and new things there and you can apply online like in Odesk. That's what I'm doing now to improve myself and skills.Hope it helps.

Dana - posted on 08/01/2010

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Brittany, you need to ask yourself a few questions. I hear that you have a lot of passion and have to have something to direct that passion too. You used to run, but at a loss now. I used to run and took up power walking with weights to keep fit during pregnancy and the eliptical at the gym. Being a police officer, why can't you contact the community you are in and do something from home, review cases, paper work, research,etc... I KNOW everyone is short on talent and determination. You would be an asset and be constructive for yourself and your family. 21 is a great age to embark on this and give you more experience at the same time! Write down your accomplishments, gifts, talents, and go out there and ask for it so you can still accomplish. You can also take an on line course to fill in any gaps you feel. Yoga was not "strenous" enough to feel like I did anything. It was great after my walking and eliptical though. I can see you are trying to push your daughter too, to compensate to keep yourself busy. Good to some degree, but she is four... Pull her in the wagon, or push a stroller on your walks, filled with a few weights. Make a fun trip out of it for both of you!

Teresa - posted on 07/24/2010

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Perhaps you just need a little space for thinking. You feel deprived because you are taking away those things that will make you happy- a little time for yourself. Regain your strength and think of how lucky you were somehow. Other moms suffer more and harder problems than you do. Enjoy being with your kids. Be happy that you have the chance of being with them. Don't miss the chance of watching them grow. There are a lot of opportunities online- education and jobs.

Two years ago, I was in a promising career as engineer in an electronics company. Those were the days when I felt the world was in my hands, ruling the realm where most dwellers were men. Nevertheless, I felt so empty. I was miles away from home…my son. Though he was still 2 year-old baby at that time, I have to leave him under my aunt’s care in order to give him a good future. Being a single mom I had to sacrifice-that was my belief... read on

http://blog.clariity.com/job-changes/whe...

Jessi - posted on 06/22/2010

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In the sense that you dont have the family/friend support where you live is something I can relate to.I am 22 turning 23 this year and I am married have been for 5 yrs.We have a 41/2 yr old girl,a 31/2 yr old girl,a 21 month old girl and a 2 week old litlte boy.We moved from the city we both grew up in our entire lives late 2009 to my husbands new posting which is 1200 kms from there with no family or friends here as support.
My husband is in the army and so we have 3 year postings at each place.Its now been 7months since we moved here and Ive managed to put myself out there and meet other women.mothers and we get together for playdates etc.
Its not easy,but I relish in being a fulltime mum and being my childrens main carer and teacher for the first important developmental years.I know what theyre learning and be subjected to and can monitor it all better.Does your unhappiness come from feeling lonely?Because it sounds like your husband is not there in a supportive role.Have you two sat down and spoken about how you feel?Maybe you might want to look into finding a way to be productive whilst at home.Maybe study from home(if you can in your state)to get that desired degree,or get the tools to learn that language and teach your daughter too.Also maybe get out and about and out youself out of your comfort zone.You never know what might happen if you do!!!

Sudha - posted on 04/20/2010

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You can involve in your daughter's schooling activities as volunteer..that way both of you will be busy.I got married after college and 2yrs of work.I was just getting good and wanted a career.I was feeling the same way when all my plans went down the drain after I got preg and my hormones weren't so kind to me either.Had help for for 2 months after delivery and after that on my own,of course ,hubby from time to time...but his work hours r crazy.
Right now...I got over all that and moving on...cos I found new set of mom's group,with kids same age as my son....hence socialising made things much more soothing.We do playdates,mom's night-out, sleepovers...You can build your own network.
Relaxation techiques,breathing exercise( depends on ur health), reading books,watching comedies,net surfing etc helps from time to time.
You should take it easy on urself cos you have another baby coming and I'm sure you'll find your career path again after 2nd kid.I'll be looking for one after my second...atleast something to keep my focus on.Keep saying..you can do it!

Moni - posted on 04/18/2010

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Find some mom groups to get together with. There are some great groups out there, some with moms as young as you, that will offer some much needed support. Find some prenatal exercise classes; a great way to continue to exercise and meet other moms.

Maybe you should try an online class. It's always nice to keep your brain stimulated. Having something to focus on for you can help you become more relaxed, feel better about yourself and keep you from being bored. Try to enjoy your time with your daughter. Kids are only young once, they need to have the time to explore their world and now is a great time to share all those new experiences with her. No need to push her so hard in academics at this age, kids learn so much better from real world experience.

Wenbi - posted on 04/08/2010

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For me, I found that finding some friends through a moms organization really helped give me the emotional support I needed when my husband was gone for a long time. In time, I also began leading one of the groups. Organizing activities allowed me to have a sense of accomplishment. I use meetup.com, but I'm sure there are a lot of other groups around you. If not, start your own! You're definitely not the only person who feels this way!

Zeljka - posted on 04/05/2010

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Dear,
you are so upset! I can see all your energy and life, and that is great! OF course you have to show your energy and talents, and it is meant to be so! But no need to rush to college - now when you're pregnant! Your family needs you. You can make great food for them, it makes even greater impact on your family and builds greater memories than mom's degree. You can do some art, decorate you home, sew for your children - it is such a challenge! Maybe you can grow plants in your garden, or in home. If you grow them, you can bless others. People love to get a plant, or basilicum for cooking in lovley pot. There is zillion lovley, calming and usefull things for you to do around your home in this season of your life. Embrace it! It is great! You are still soooo young! You have time to raise your children and go to colledge and get a degree when they go to school! It will be great! So, be peacefull, everything is okay, you are great wife and mom and you will make it all - in it's all time. Hang on!
And give your husband a lot of attention, hugs, give him a massage, enjoy precious time together every day!

Christine - posted on 04/02/2010

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Maybe u can join a volunteer fire dept or do security somewhere? It sound like money isn't an issue since u plan to hire people to help out with your childs education so maybe u can get a part time nanny and go find a part time job or like I said volunteer. Maybe you can help out with the school system and be an advocate for children to get a good education. I don't know where u live but it sounds like may e it's a smaller town?I don't know...these r just a few ideas that came to me while reading your post. Oh another idea, since u obviously know a thing oemr 2 about teaching young children, maybe u can feel accomplished by sharing that with other children. You have an amazing story and I can't imagine doing all that you have done! Keep it up, it's sounds like u r doing great! And chin up dear you haven't worked so hard to be so unhappy!

Cathy - posted on 04/02/2010

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I am in a simalar position. I quit my job when my daughter was born. She is now 16 months and I am going a little crazy. I have always been very independant. I like to earn my own money. I do work from home but I find that my daughter doesn't like when I work and makes it difficult. I want to go back to school and finish my nursing degree. I was soo good at what I did and I feel like if I get a job then it won't bother me as bad with my husband working so many hours. He leaves at 7 am and usually doesn't get home til 10 pm. I feel like a single mom at times. He wonders why I am always calling him and why I have to go places to get out of the house. Before I has my daughter I loved to ride horses. I have three and barely get to ride them every 2-3 months. I don't have any family near by to help watch her. My mother lives 3 hours away so she comes up maybee every 2 months to help me with her but I am always helping my husband with our cows when she comes up. My mother in law lives 5 miles away but she does not want to watch her and even goes inside when I pullinto the driveway to talk to my husband. She will no even come over to say hi in church. But when others are watching she acts like she is her world. She even tells everyone in town that she sees my daughter all the time and that she loves her. I just want to bust her out.

Jeanette - posted on 03/28/2010

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maybe it is possible to take some online classes until later on - instead of stopping altogether until later - but even then later could be 24 for you and that certainly isn't too late - you are kind of ahead of the game - accomplishments behind and still ahead - this time with your baby(s) will be so important to them and you -

Alicia - posted on 03/26/2010

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Hi
Don't worry so much you are very young and have your whole life ahead of you. There is a time for everything.The time you are able to spend with your children is precious. You can never get it back. It's great you are able to stay at home. Maybe you can make a schedule for yourself so you can follow a routine. I know it's hard staying at home after you are used to always being on the go. I tend to go nuts when I'm out of work. But you have to do something you enjoy wether it's being on circle of moms, watching your favorite show, or maybe working from home just to keep busy. Enjoy your kids and you won't regret a thing. There are different ways to be successful in life and raising well adjusted kids is one of them.

Jennifer - posted on 03/25/2010

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You are doing awesome, it's so great to hear about someone who started out rough and made such a turn around. You should be so proud of yourself for accomplishing so much, and if you need to take a break from working such a demanding job for awhile, don't beat yourself up over it! The most important job you could ever have is to be a mother to your children, and you can always go back to an away from home job again once you are able to move closer to family and have help. Keep yourself busy finding hobbies and day trips that you can do with the kids, and enjoy every minute with them, before you know it they'll be grown and you can't go back in time!

[deleted account]

Well that's' a whole other issue. My daughter is highly gifted, and public schools here at least are a joke. She will be home schooled and when necessary private instructors will be hired. We have already started homeschooling. She is 4 and is reading, doing basic math, learning biology and learning to sign. For now I am sticking to things she really enjoys.

Monica - posted on 03/24/2010

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congrats on becoming a police officer while raising your child! What a great accomplishment. Alot of people like yoga while they are pregnant. Not the physical level you are used to but at least it will give you something to work on. I know what you mean though about giving up more of your life. My son will be 2 in May and we are having another in June. I think about how far we have come with him and it makes me tired to think about starting all over again. I want to wait until my husband is out of school to go back to work and that's at least another year. I understand why you need help coping.

Morgan - posted on 03/23/2010

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I feel horrible for you :(

but really dont know how to help I love being a stay at home mom and dont really miss working at all, I feel like raising my daughter is very constructive.

do you enjoy anything creative that you can do in your spare time?

like making jewlrey or baking? somthing that your daughter could enjoy as well?

and remember as hard as it is to raise two kids your daughter should be heading to school next year for at least half a day so that might give you a little break, have you tried to meet other woman where you live and maybe swap some babysitting? or just chat over coffee?

well anyway I know I wasent much help,

but good luck with your growing family :)

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