Hubby resenting me being home w/kids?

Maria - posted on 06/02/2011 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I had a great career when I met my husband. We had a boy last year and I was laid off. Now I am home and we have decided this is the best thing for our family. The problem is I feel like he resents the fact that I get to stay home. I also feel like he feels an entitlement to the money b/c he makes it (we combine our money).



I feel like I have lost my independence after working so hard to achieve it.



Does anyone else have these issues?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Wenbi - posted on 06/06/2011

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He's envious of you. That's a sign of a good dad who wants to spend time with his own kids. Hear him out and think of solutions that might help him feel more part of the family. One thing to keep in mind is that nothing is fair. However, you guys can do things to make each other feel appreciated.

And yes, after being the breadwinner for 8 years before becoming a SAHM (not by choice), I wouldn't say that I lost my independence, but I did lose some of my previous identity, which was hard to reconcile. I think it's understandable, and it took me a full TWO years to be ok with my new 'job.'

Terri - posted on 03/07/2012

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My Hubby resented everything I did & do with the kids. He gets jealous of where my time is spent, almost like a spoiled brat. He even told me once that he resented the fact that I breastfed both my girls because I stole that bonding time from him. (waaaa, poor baby) Well Just like Christy suggested, I went away for 1 night with his sisters (not my friends or family of course) and he never mentioned it again. He tries to lay on the guilt when he is feeling guilty about not 'knowing' the girls. But he is only deflecting how he is feeling onto me so he doesn't have to actually do something about it. Now, my girls are 12 & 10 and if he tries that BS on me now I just deflect it back so he has no choice to either suck it up & actually spend time with his girls or pout. It is usually 50/50 but it is then his problem & guilt not mine.

Amber - posted on 06/12/2011

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Maybe you should just talk to your husband about how he feels. Also, maybe he just feels overwhelmed because he is the only one bringing money in? I'm sure it may get a little overwhelming being the only one financially supporting a family. I just started a home-based business, it's definitely not a get rich scheme or anything but it definitely helps me feel like I can contribute while staying home with the baby. If you are interested, send me a message on here and I will tell you more about it. The average person with the company makes about $300/week working 20 hours per week. Most of the company is also actually made up of stay-at-home moms and it doesn't require any education. Some people in the company have a high school diploma, and some have a PhD... it's just a good way to make a bit of extra money and be a stay at home mom.

Christy - posted on 06/05/2011

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Oh crap! Do it anyway! At least when you ask him what he and the kids did all weekend, it will start your arguement (not that I want you to argue). I went on a girls' cruise in April of this yr and I thought my better half's head was gonna explode while I was gone. Again, 3 days, 2 of which the in laws had them. WTF?

Kelly - posted on 05/12/2012

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You said "we decided this is best". I think it's wrong for him to make you feel guilty if he agreed.
You also said you "feel like he resents you". Maybe you're just feeling guilty and he doesn't care.
When I had my first child I too felt like I had lost some independence. In a way we do lose some independence. We are depending on another person to support us. With love though, we shouldn't feel guilty. We are having his children and caring for them. We are not just sitting at home just because we don't want to work.

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Joy - posted on 07/07/2012

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We've had similar issues. Although I wasn't laid off, but voluntarily started working part-time. I make a lot less than my husband even at full-time though. Before I found out that I was pregnant with #2, we had discussed me going back to work full-time and my husband going part-time. But as I said, we found out that I'm pregnant and even at full-time we wouldn't be making enough for both of us to work. So I'll be a full-time SAHM when the baby comes in a few months. If I could make as much as he did or more, I think that I would let him be the SAHD for a year or two. (My sister works full-time and her husband works part-time.) But unfortunately, my profession pays a lot less than his does.

He has been pretty frank that he's jealous and wants to be equal when it comes to raising our children -along with all the other household duties (he cooks, buys most of the groceries, vacuums and helps me with dishes.) He has also voluntarily given me nights 'off' to watch our first child while I head out to movies or a girl's night out. We will probably end up switching some of our roles as the children get older or as the market changes or we find different work opportunities. I think being flexible about who has what roles in the household is a good thing so that independence is not permanently lost. This flexibility requires a lot of talking to each other. I'm glad to live in an age where women have closer to equal rights as men do in the workforce (I say close because we are not making as much as they are generally.)

Michelle - posted on 07/02/2012

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when ever my husband and I are having an argument the catch phrase I always seem to get is you go to work and earn the money and I'll stay home and bake the cake or watch TV. I use to just let words like that wash off my back but I think I've had enough now and give it back to him as I think he would say that to shut me up and I've learnt if I want a say in this relationship I need to stand up for myself

Traci - posted on 05/21/2012

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why not get a stay at home job.. thats what i did... works out great... my income will double what my husband makes... lol..

Marylou - posted on 05/09/2012

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Ya what's up with that? They just don't understand what it is like to be a full time mom/housekeeper. It's tough!

I got crap at first too, but I said heck with it and started my own business and make more than hubby now, lol. Now I get the best of both worlds:)

Gerri - posted on 05/08/2012

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I had the same issue. I was working and making decent money but when I had to quit my job to stay home and take care of my special needs child(who is having to be home schooled) he started acting weird. He even had the nerve to say to me that "it must be nice not to have to do anything other than sit at home"!! Whatever!! I told him he could stay home and take care of the house, our 3 teenage daughters, and the pets!! I also told him he will have to be the doctor, the referee, the taxi, the teacher, the chef, the laundromat, and the maid!!!! I will go back to work if you can handle all that......LOL that seem to shut him up and I haven't had any attitude from him since.

Sheri - posted on 02/18/2012

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Do you want to get back into the game? Perhaps 10 hrs a week and supplement your family's income? or is that not an option?

Natalie - posted on 01/09/2012

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I can relate . I had a vibrant career in music and a music copyright working as a background singer and building my own brand. I had my daughter and my life took a different turn. I was stuck at home for 2 yrs though I love my family I lost my independence and ever so often I get the attitude from my partner. Something had to give . I searched for job for months nothing. I went to stay with my mom for a bit while there I started a take out restaurant and it is going well.I also found a great income opportunity with Skinny Body Care and I start to feel purposeful again.I am making a good income, recording again. . Sometimes having a child can throw us off our goals a bit but sometimes its a time for introspection.take the time to find something you are truly passionate about and convert it into an income stream. I love meeting and talking to people selling etc . Skinny body care is filling that passion.

FL0 - posted on 01/05/2012

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Have you sat down and discussed this issue with him? I would let him know how it makes you feel and explain the pros vs the cons of you staying at home. If the pros outway the cons, which I am sure they will, then maybe he will ease up a bit. Would you feel better if you were still working? Have you thought about working at home?

Ivana - posted on 10/20/2011

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I am in the same sitation like you, I'm at home since my eldest son was born small, 2005, and I know how you feel, I am in demand for work,Ido not know what to do and really more me crazy in the house, all I'm under depression a year ago i lost the baby i had a miscarriage and after that everything went wrong..any job will save me,but,wherever I go no one takes time from what I Aam looking for,from 6 pm

Kelly - posted on 09/06/2011

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lol. The conversation I had with my jelous husband was as follows
"Sweetheart, Ever since the dawn of time, man has been the provider and protector of his mate and offspring, while women have been the cook and carer. Its in our genes. Humans are not that far out of the cave for this to change. Now If you want to be the woman, you can go out and find a nice man who will be happy to provide and protect you, and I will find an oafish caveman down the pub who knows his place in life.Your choice". End of discussion. End of problem. Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 06/08/2011

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I think you need to speck with your husband about how you feel. Sit down together and do a household budget don't forget to asign money for yourself to do with as you please.

Maria - posted on 06/03/2011

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Christy-I should do that! I did go out one night with a girlfriend and it was nice. Of course he gave me sh*t or it, but I told him he could do the same thing. The whole weekend though? LOLOLOLOL, that would be funny! He would prob go up to his mom's house and have her and his sister take care of the kids.

Christy - posted on 06/03/2011

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YES! Have him stay home with the little one all weekend while you go somewhere, ANYWHERE and let him get back to you. It was like that here at first but things are better and we are on the same page financially now. It took a good year or so though after I started to stay at home with the kids (now 2 and 3).

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