My in laws hate me, and I don't know what to do..... :(

Melissa - posted on 08/06/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

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So my husband and I have been together for 8 almost 9 years. I have my two older children from previous relationships. When my husband and I first moved in together with my children, his mom was awesome. She took them everywhere and did so many fun things with them. She really didn't like me, but she was so good to my kids. We got married, and had our first child, and things were still tense between her and I but we had a working relationship and she was still good to my kids. Lately, she has distanced herself from my older kids and only really is involved with Noah our son together. So there has been drama over me telling her if she can't do for all don't do for any and many disagreements over the past 2 years or so. She has told my husbands sister and brother that my two older children have said nasty things to her like "you're not our real grandma" or that she feels like Noah is the only one who loves her. She also gave them the perception she was sending money and paying our bills and doing things like that which is completely UNTRUE! So I posted to her it was very unfair of her to do all these things for Noah and not the others, and it started a firestorm. All of the anger and resentment and reasons they don't like me has come to the surface and really I will never win thier friendship or liking ever. My poor husband is stuck in the middle I know, but I didn't think it was fair to make him choose, but that's what they did. What do I do? I'm really not a bad person, but his mom isn't going to admit she lied either. Is there any way to draw something postive from this or is it a lot cause?

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Jane - posted on 08/06/2011

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The simplest thing is to figure out how to put some distance between your in-laws and your immediate family. Mine were several states away so I never saw enough of the good ones, but didn't have to deal with the effects of the bad ones on our kids.

Otherwise, you need to sit down with your husband and ask his advice on how to deal with them. They are his family, after all, and he probably still wants a relationship with them. However, he married you because he loved you and your older kids, so he may need to lay down the law with his family, as in "love me, love my wife and ALL my kids."

The most positive thing that could come out of this would be if you and your husband are able to set some limits that will allow all the kids to feel loved but give you some space from the in-laws.

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Jane - posted on 09/06/2011

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You might consider blocking everyone's emails so they can contact you only through your husband. Contact any of them only via snail mail, and then only to tell them good news about all of the kids and share photos. Don't ask for anything and don't offer anything. Just be resolutely upbeat and talk only about kids.

Kelly - posted on 09/06/2011

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Just dont make any effort with them at all. Dont offer to do anything for them, If she wants the kid/s she can come get them, dont reply to emails and such from the brother and sister, and come christmas time, only talk about the children. This works with my inlaws and we have continued this for the last 4 years, and it has finally got to a point where the MIL calls me occasionally and asks me how Im going. Dont let these people stress you out. Gossip is never fun, so dont participate. Good luck

Melissa - posted on 08/07/2011

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Thanks Jane, he has told her that she needs to stop being so nasty and rude towards me, and accept and treat the kids equally. After that his siblings sent emails and messages basically attacking me and sharing information she gave them that villanized our children. It's really unfair to the kids because if they're expressing how they feel even if we don't like what they have to say, I try to listen and understand what they are conveying to me and why they feel that way. I try to respect thier feelings and opinions and hear them out. But the kinds of feelings they are sharing don't just pop up out of no where, so I wish she had atleast tried to listen. Anything I shared with her wasn't meant to attack, hurt or make her look bad. It was meant to open the doors of discussion in hopes to find and postive resolution to the problem. Unfortuniately that feels like it isn't possible now. I don't want her love and acceptance of me, but to prefer the company of one child and villianize the others is really very unfair. I'm really sad by the whole situation but fistance is the best answer at this point. I feel bad for my husband though. It's not easy for him. Thanks for the advice :) I appreciate it sincerely.

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