Sometimes I want to just run away and never come back. Does that mean I don't love my children?

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Noelle - posted on 07/13/2013

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I have a 10-year old son on the autism spectrum. I had him late in life (I was 43 when I got pregnant). His father committed suicide on my son's 4th birthday, so there's no dad or father figure around. I should mention that I have (1) depression (which has been a problem for me for as long as I can remember, and (2) a chronic illness that could kill me unless I get chemo (which I have been putting off for 2 months now, telling my doctor I want a second opinion). Over the last 2 years, my son has gone from a wonderful little boy to someone who swears, acts out, and does not do what I ask of him. For example, I will tell him in a nice way NOT to go into the brown cabinet (where I keep my medicine and also candy lol), yet he continues to do so. Same thing happens with everything else. I tell him specifically NOT to do something and he does it time and time again. I feel like either (1) running away so I can be on my own; or (2) not even sure I could do this but I'm thinking of calling to have him put in foster care. You must think I am a terrible mother. I sleep a lot lately (lot more than usual). I'm seriously considering not getting any treatment, and what I have will kill me within 2-3 years - it's kind of a wimp's way of committing suicide. I just don't know what to do anymore. His only grandma lives in Florida and she sees him 2 or 3 days a year. It is always just him and me with NO break. I'm just living a miserable life with absolutely no joy or happiness in it at all. I really truly think he would be better off with another family anyway. But I could never have him put into the foster care system - I couldn't do that to him. If I call DCF (the Dept. of Children and Families), I'm afraid that would be bringing them into my life and they have so many foster children to deal with as it is - what would they do with my son? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I've tried calling Big Brother, but when I mentioned that my son was on the autism spectrum, the person on the phone said "Well, we don't take autistic children as we haven't had much luck in the past with them." Someone please help.

Kevin - posted on 07/18/2013

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Of course not. If you didn't want to run away occasionally, I would wonder. Just like anyone who does any job, you need a chance to decompress and find yourself again. I think you should plan weekly to go out and have time just for yourself. If you don't, resentment will creep in and then that will affect you negatively as a mother.

Tracy - posted on 01/08/2013

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No I don't think this means you don't love your children. I think it just means life is to complicated. Tonight I actually typed in googles search engien is it normal to hate my kids because I was so stressed to the max from my 7 year old son not wanting to do his homework (which is a fight every night) not wanting to listin and just being totally idk just being himself I guess. And then I have my 10 year old son who can be the same way in diffrent aspects. He does his homework without a fight but getting him to help around the house is like pulling hairs out of his head one by one. Lately I have been so over whelmed and I'm not sure if it's from everything that has been going on the last 2 years or what but I have noticed in myself that I'm a lot more uptight and always on the verge of break downs. ANd the last few months I have been crying a whole lot more. Tonight I was to the point that when my 7 year old was acting out I was ready to call his dad and tell him just to come get our boys that he could have them and I would pay childsupport to him because I felt like I couldn't deal with it anymore. Thank goodness the phone rang right at that time and it was a friend I could talk to and she listened. Then my fiance called and he could tell something was bothering me so he also listened. He also told me that since I am not seeming like my normal self lately he thinks I need to cut back on my job that he believes my job is a lot to do with my stress. I'm a CNA and last month I lost 4 of my residents in a week it takes a big toll on a person. Then this past weekend I saw something I thought I was prepared for and well basically I wasn't and I will never get that image out of my head. Once my fiance told me he thinks it's my job and he was explaining to me everything that has been going on at work that I"m not dealing with I just pushi it off to the side it opened my eyes. He was right work is killing plus I"m in school to become a nurse so thats a bit more stress to add to the picture. Everything will be ok for you as it will for me too I just think this is a normal part of being a mom and I am so thankful that I now have a wonderful fiance who listens to me and lets me cry when I need to and doesn't hang up on me ( he's a truck driver so we talk on the phone a lot) Yes I think it would be easier if I had a little more help around here considering I'm a single mom basically but you know it's life and we all are handed opsticals to make us stronger and these children are going to push us to our limits but we will get threw. Nobody ever said parenting was easy we all will have our moments I guess and mine was tonight. Thanks for letting rant.

April T. - posted on 08/05/2010

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I am SO GLAD we have this forum! It is nice to release all the stress, emotions, and feelings we have as mothers. There is a LOT of work on our part. Not dismissing the fathers at all. We are just created differently as women. We are more nurturing. And sometimes it becomes a hindrance for us because we spend so much time nurturing others and too less of time nurturing our SELVES!
I have said I WANNA JUST RUN AWAY plenty of times! Nothing wrong with this. We are human, we do so much, we wear so many hats, and sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that the easiest feeling is the desire to run away from it all. I have had these thoughts plenty of times: especially after having my second child who is COMPLETELY opposite my first one. These thoughts (running away) happen to me frequently. Sometimes I just want to give up, and then I realize that I can't let this stress and feeling of being overwhelmed control my life. We have a choice: to choose life or to choose to just exist. I choose life and so I work on trying not to let the busyness of it all get to me because I don't want to give up. I want to keep moving forward regardless of the stress. I hope this makes sense. You are a Mom and there is a lot of pressure on us. We continue to encourage each other, and uplift one another. That is how we get through. We support each other and LISTEN to each other. I love being able to listen to others and feel like, "Yes they feel what I am feeling: I am not alone!" Keep moving forward. Take a break whenever you can. And make the choice to take breaks. It is healthy for us. Not taking a break becomes a chronic detriment to us. :)
Blessings to you :)

Karen - posted on 09/02/2012

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Absolutely not! You are simply human, and so are they. They will love you and hate you and be indifferent and want you and need you and reject you and insult you and hug and kiss you, etc. When I first became a mom, another new mom shared with me that never before had her emotions been so intense and swing from very high to very low and go from bliss to rage. I was so thankful to hear her say what I had been going thru. Surrender to it, embrace it, but practice extreme self care. You need time for you to connect, to socialize, to exercise, pamper yourself, and recharge your batteries. God Bless...Hang in there...

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Lisa - posted on 06/26/2014

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Hi Noelle,

I am sorry to your story. Do not despair. There is help out there for you. First, I believe you need a support network for both your son & you. You need to take care of yourself first, otherwise you will be to weak to take care of your son or be able to make a decision in completely good judgement. I do not know what kind of insurance you have, but there are support groups for emotional and physical ailments. A good doctor for your son is important, as well. There are different services available to you because of your son's disability that you should be accessing for both of your well being.
I am a mother of 4 and grandmother of two. I have a 19 year old daughter with Asperger's. I also suffer from depression. I have been her primary advocate since I recognized she had differences at the age of three. Life has been very hard, and I could type up many a story including her hospitalization, etc. You are not alone. You need to ASK from help, even if it is just your doctor, to start with.
I know you want what's best for your son, so do not feel guilty for just being human, as well as ill on top of that. I will say a prayer for you both tonight, although I am not too religious. Please get prescribed good medication for your depression and address your medical issues. Do not put it off any longer. Once you get to the other side (of wellness) you will be able to better seek out the right support for your son to take some of the burden off of you. You will get there. Keep hope. I belong to AANE and have done research on where to get help for my daughter, but it's been a long road. Autism is in the same category, but with more severity, so I do not know where you should start, except for your doctor's office and internet research. I have read a ton of books and that has help educate me about her, and in turn, I can educate others in her life. Again, please do not give up hope. I wish you all the best.

Helen - posted on 03/21/2014

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Hello Melissa I may be able to offer something to help your husband, let me know if you're interested

Ally - posted on 03/19/2014

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I feel this way so often, I have anxiety disorders starting 2 years after my son was born, ad's made the disorders worse so i came off, things have been so hard and im in a very stressful living situation as well, the littlest things my son does (he's 5) pierces through me and sends me into a rage i just want to cry or yell or something.. i tell him not to do something he does exactly what i told him not to do, or i ask him to stop or dont or please do or dont do something and hes constantly pushing my buttons.. i have cried and cried because i feel so guilty everytime the thought of wanting to run away or give him away comes into my mind. im at my witts end.. husband works nights so its been impossible to catch me time.. and giving my son a nap is like torture as he wont go to sleep that same evening if he does take one.. i get saturdays.. 4 days a month sometimes not even that to be "alone".

Michelle - posted on 01/16/2014

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I've had the same feeling many times. I have an 11 year old daughter who is dealing with depression and OCD. I myself have been battling depression for as long as I can remember. My daughter is so sad sometimes and even though I have depression as well, I don't know what to say to her. Nothing I do seems to help her. I take her to a psychologist as often as I can but it's very costly. Lately she's been getting head lice over and over and I'm so frustrated with that. Everything is overwhelming me so much even though I don't think it should be. I've been depressed all my life but I've never felt the way I have been these past few weeks. As much as running away seems so appealing, I know it is not an option and therefore I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like the worst mother for feeling this way, feeling like I just don't want the responsibility of having a child any more. It's like a vicious circle of depression. It never seems to end. I don't know what to do.

Melissa - posted on 12/27/2013

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I know just how you feel. My son,who is nearly 13, has ADHD , with asberger traits. Unless he is handed his medication, he wont take it and when he doesn't he is abusive. My husband who is also ADD, needs to find better ways of dealing with his ADD other then drinking a pot or two of coffee a day to keep him semi normal. But he doesn't.
I have depression, mainly due to losing my house 4 years ago, realizing that I wont be able to have any more children after waiting for 10 years for my husband to get his life together, because he felt we couldn't afford any more children and finally going back to college, after years of me telling him it would be a good idea. (he has a degree in "airport management" because he wanted to be a pilot. He finally decided that going back to college would be a good thing, after being laid off from a job he hated, but spent all of his waking hours there, ignoring my requests for him to come home on time and not work so much. buy the time we moved on, my cat that we had since we first got together died, we lost our house. My son and my husband were both diagnosed with ADD,and we had to move in with my parents for the summer. My mother most definitely has ADD, but refused to get tested, because she has faith, and this is what ADD is with God in control. And that all of my problems will be solved if i just go to church and have more faith. Also it doesn't matter what my husband did , he loves you and you have to stay together.

The main thing she wont see is that my current husband, has done exactly what my first husband did, strung my along with promises, and then making excuses when I try to have the promises delivered on. The difficult part to come to terms with is that looking back, I have made all of the big decisions in our relation ship, I asked him out, I made him decided if he wanted to marry me or not and If i hadn't gotten accidentally pregnant, i really don't think we would have ever had children.
We don't argue, mainly because he goes into little boy mode, and I sound more like a mother scolding him, rather then a partner trying to work problems out. I am not attracted to him any more, we dont say I love you, I cant stand the thought of kissing him, and sex is a very rare thing, and only happens if i start things. I want to move out, but first I am college student broke, and I cant stand the thought of being away from my son .
. am also in college full time getting my degree to work in the fashion industry. Mainly because I am very good with sewing and things like that. I had a nervous breakdown about three years ago, and another this spring.
I am sick of living like this, being treated like the bad person who demands to much. I know living like this isn't fair to either of us, I would like to keep a kind relationship with him, but i doubt that would happen. I am dying inside and it feels i have no way out.

Karaoke - posted on 12/18/2013

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I googled I want to give away my kids and found this. I'm pretty sure u love your kids Yarixa we all do, but they are a lot of work and people just need a break. I'm a dad, not a good dad either, I read a few posts on here of woman saying bad things about men, and it sounded like me. I hope you don't feel alone having a hard time with kids, I have a hard time, other people have a hard time, we just need help. If I could afford a baby sitter I wouldn't be looking up topics such as this, sad I consider giving away my six month old twins just because I can't afford a babysitter. It's a sad truth.

Mary - posted on 12/06/2013

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No that does not make you a bad mother. We love our children and need a break. I'm 24 with a baby under 1 and a 2 years old and a 9 year old dog. It gets really stressful as i have no family, it just me and my husband. Sometime having my husband feel as good as not having him. I'm with my kids and the dog 24/7 and get NO BREAK and feel that way all the time. my husband always playing a game that he pays for every month online. My husband does not get it he think i over react and I'm selfish for wanting or taking a break. He loves his GAME way too MUCH. His argument is that he works and his mom raised him as a single mom ( She had FAMILY who helped her with him as they all lived together). so when hes home i leave the kid in the room when he is so he can see them and lock myself in the room to just breath. since i dont really get that my kids are VERY attached to me. I can't even use the washroom or shower or even leave the house with other them they follow me everywhere and cry to go with me. Don't get me wrong i love them and wouldn't change that for the world but EVERY MOTHER NEED A BREAK. My cousin has been coming for the bast two year for a week so when she come she always gives me my ME time she a doctor so she knows it important. She knows i do it all from looking after the kids, walking the dog, looking after my husband, cooking cleaning washing, i do it all as i have no choice my husband does not offer a helping hand. Don't feel bad we all feel the need for ME TIME.

Kayanna - posted on 11/14/2013

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Hi Megan, you ladies don't know how relieved I was to find this feeling I have been having doesn't mean I am a terrible person. I am 35, have 4 kids: 14, 10, 8 and 7. I work 40 hrs / week. My kids are all over-involved in sports and dance, boyscouts ect...so much that every day I go from work to running kids to and from events. On top of all this chaos my 8 yr old daughter has a pretty fierce temper and victim complex. I am actually 98% positive she has ODD. Lately she has been acting out more and my temper (words included) has been getting out of control. I am finding it harder and harder to remain calm and patient with her and have actually said some pretty terrible things to her recently. Now she has begun threatening to tell people what I have said to her during these fights and I am so embarrased and tired that I really am beginning to think that "running away" from my life sounds like an excellent option.

Megan - posted on 11/04/2013

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I want to run away sometimes too. Im 32 yrs old, i have 5 kids, 14, 12, 10, 8 and 6. I work 50-60 hours a week and sometimes i just wanna disappear. It doesnt mean i dont love my kids it just means i need a break. Not just from the kids but from everything ya know.

Alaina Nicole - posted on 10/26/2013

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Thats how i feel i was 18 when i had my daughter now shes pushing two and dealing with her and working, and school and on top of that dealing with a man that is so un motivated in everything. I feel like i turned 40 before i turned 20 so many times i wish i would have just went to college and moved away and actually lived a young vibrant decent life instead of working a two bit job and living in a crappy apartment.. struggling. I do just want to run away soooo bad more than anything in this world.

Noelle - posted on 07/14/2013

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I would like to thank everyone for their responses....what I take away from these is that I definitely need some time ALONE. I have already been diagnosed with depression and am on meds for that but I have never felt this way before. I think the problem with my health was just the straw that broke the camel's back. As I write this, my sister is on her way over. Thank you all so much for all your wonderful advice. I had at least 28 responses so I wanted to just write one big thank you to all of you. Thank you for getting me through at least this one day and I will continue to check in here and get back to all of you personally. Many hugs and much affection, Noelle

Misty - posted on 03/26/2013

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Absolutely not! Sometimes I have those same feelings.. I think it means you need some mom time. I know how difficult this can be! What I do is give myself a time out, I let the kids know that moms need to go to their rooms too. They think it is great and it gives me a sec to collect my thoughts. Hope this helps.

Keara - posted on 12/21/2012

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I have four children, Ben who is nearly 15 and super clever but unmotivated, Holly who will be nine on the 23rd, and is so amazingly motivated ( I from my position keep waiting for a man give his opinion and scar my baby } Max will be six on April 6th 2013, my birthday, the day I turn 40! The day Max Crossan was born was the day Paul Crossan, Or Rick O'Shea decided he did not want to be married, He is a radio broadcaster so our separation/divorce was not so nice! I met a man very soon after paul disregarded me< and we have a mad son, Oscar De Murphy as he calls himself, I am left feeling that men took some thing away from us when we took their second names, women are independent, no matter how many children we have

Anne - posted on 09/06/2012

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No Yarixa, it not at all means that you don't love your children. We all women indulge our self in so much work and family responsibilities that we forget that we forget about our a personal life. Recently I faced this situation. I got so pissed from my kids and hubby, I started shouting at them, I dint feel like sitting with them, and felt miserable and worried.Then my hubby took me to my friends place for a week. And that welcome break brought a complete change in my life. It helped me realize that at the end of the day, we all have our personal lives;we need to indulge leisure shopping, pampering ourselves, freaking out, meeting friends, doing adventures stuffs which can help us to regain our personal identity. So I request you to take a break and spend time on yourself and enjoy the way you do it before your marriage, you will feel refresh and start loving your family and kids once again.

Julie - posted on 08/30/2012

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I have had that thought more than not lately and I can't seem to manage my time to feel like I I am doing things for me. I feel like all my time and energy goes to work, raising my two children and trying to keep my marraige going. I am so tired, I feel a lot of resentment towards my husbands and sometimes my kids and that makes me feel like an awful mother which just makes me more depressed. I have depression and anxiety and have tried about six different depression medications but there not doing the trick. But I jsut keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Kimberely - posted on 12/19/2011

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When I found this site and read all the posts, I just broke down in tears. I knew I wasn't alone but I also don't like complaining or sharing with people about my issues with motherhood. I have a 16, 4, & 3 y/o...I'm 43 and about to just run away forever. I'm so tired! I'm glad I found this blog cuz I was a "confirmation" away from booking a trip. Now, I guess I can let the reservation expire and try some of the suggestions the moms posted.

Shamsa - posted on 07/12/2011

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No of course it doesn;t mean you don't love your children, cuz if you didn't, you won't still be here!
Everyone needs a lil private time, and it's important, vital, to get some too!
I was always scared of babysitters, but after 2 years of never being without a kid to worry about, I decided that I need to lax. So I got a babysitter who works full time with somebody else and asked her to sit for a few hours late at night when my child was asleep, and I had the best time with my husband at dinner

Jennifer - posted on 07/12/2011

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No! You just need to take some time for yourself and relax. Find an outlet - be it exercise, crafts, a book club, whatever - that you can do on your own without your kids. You'll feel better about yourself, and more ready to deal with the trappings of being a mom. I love my kids more than life itself, but I have times when I just want to run away and never come back, too.

Natasha - posted on 07/10/2011

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No you just need a day to breath alone, I would love a vacation alone for a week but I can't, you human and thats normal u everything you do is about kids and can get overwhelming try and get a vacation in or a break. If you can't do that make the bathroom into a spa some candles and bubbles get a face mask and soak in silence little things like that I am greatful for feels like your not home until the lil one cries for a bottle and diaper change :) LOL

Evone - posted on 07/06/2011

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i'm going to keep it real......sweetie..WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD!!! lol, you wanna run, hide, disapear...etc. HELL NO, it does not mean you dont love your kids.. all it means is that you have not found that balance yet in your life. You need....n i say this with loven respect...to create mommy me time....i dont care if its twenty mins out of day. if you have to wake up early or go to bed late...try to put some personal time in..or else you will go crazy....if its starting a book, picking back up an old hobby, if its turning on radio n dancing madly around your house naked..lol DO IT!! i have four boys three of which live at home with me...ranging from 10yrs old to three yrs old..if you have older kids..PUT THEM TO USE. it is okay with having your children help out sometimes...thats how you teach them to be independant... i dont have the luxury or family and friends to watch the kids or take them away when i need a break..so my oldest, i tell i need some time to my self..i set out an activity thats fun for them and let him see what is is to be older an teach the smaller ones..if you dont have older kids..Disney is your friend...lol there is nothing wrong with setting all the kids in the room...with you putting on a movie..n while they watch you put on the headphones or read a book...put out snacks for them...cause your going to clean up the mess anyway...n see if your life at home dont change for the better. n if your in a relationship with someone and they are around...GO ON STRIKE!! force your significant other to help out.. if he/she are there why not get some you time..demand it.

Angela - posted on 07/03/2011

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I don't think that because I have felt like at times. I feel like you just be so overwhelmed with your life and sometimes we feel like knowone cares or understands but we are not alone in the way we feel. I don't know if you get some me time but every woman needs that time to themselves. That time to you need not to do have in schedules or duties. You need to do nothing.

Jasmine - posted on 06/09/2011

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I am SO in the same boat as you!!! I feel you, really I do... I feel overwhelmed lately and stressed out, I have NO stress outlet, no time to do anything or relax ME time!!! :( Been meaning to see my therapist for some advice and tips on what to do.... doesn't make you a bad mom /parent or anything... WE ALL DESERVE SOME ALONE TIME at some point.. otherwise we'd go crazy..

Tracy - posted on 06/08/2011

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Yarixa I felt the same way the other day. I actually flipped out on the kids and my husband. I love them with all my heart. Things are just so stressful and have very little time to myself unless it is late late at night. I agree with everyone saying you need a break. Even if it is just a whole day by yourself. I call them a mommy day which I haven't had in almost a year. If you can get some one to watch the kids for the day I bet it would relieve some of your stress.

Tania - posted on 05/20/2011

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no way your so normal ..we all feel like that . get some me time if you can even if its relaxing in a nice bath, get yourself some bath balls or oils or something and just relax it does me wonders xx

Coral - posted on 04/12/2011

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No, i think you love them so much!! sometimes that happens to me too. You're overwhelmed.

♥TIA♥ - posted on 04/06/2011

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Hey do things you like to do more often, your only human, not a bad parent at all. You probably just feel a little like you sacrifice everything for your family. Which you probably do. Which means your a wonderful parent. Take some time to reflect on you. And what is good for your soul. It's not being selfish at all.

Chairettie - posted on 03/28/2011

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No that means you are normal and you need a time out - a mommy break. Sometimes we just need to get out for an hour or so reboot - have a cup of coffee or just relax :o)

Stifler's - posted on 03/28/2011

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NO way. I feel this way some Saturday nights when we're at home watching tv and getting fat and not having sex.

Jennifer - posted on 03/28/2011

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Of course you love your children! You've just lived in our present culture that has taught you that you should be out working, or that you need "Me time" to function properly.
Neither are correct.
I've been a SAHM for 19 years now, so I do know how you feel. It can be overwhelming!
Is there an older woman in your life that can encourage you? That is what you really need, just someone to sit with you and say "Yarixa, you're doing a great job! Your kids need you, what a blessing you are to them! And what a loving thing you are doing, staying home to raise them. It's a hard job! But I know you won't regret it when they are grown. You'll be so so glad you made the decision to stay home with them!"
Then she would ask you about your children, and you'd get to tell her all the wonderful things about them and it would would cheer you up and motivate you.
Blessings!
Jennifer

Carly - posted on 03/26/2011

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Noooo!!! It means that your a Great mum that just needs some time to yourself.Do u have a partner/husband that can mind the kids for a day or few days to give you a break? You just need some time to yourself ,even if it's just a hour /couple of hrs a day to yourself.If you dn't have a husband/partner then how about asking a famly member or trusted friend to mind your cildren for you one day a week for the day to give you some much needed "me " time ... that will help you get some sense of reality back and much needed sanity back,and youll feel refreshed again when you do go back to your kids!

Dana - posted on 08/03/2010

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No, it tells me you need a break, some ME time rest and re focus. It is not easy and we ALL have those moments the thought crosses our mind, if only momentarily. Hang in there. You are not alone!

Kimberly - posted on 07/27/2010

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We all have days like that. We just need a break sometimes. That doesn't make us bad people, just mothers!

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No it means you are human - you need to take a break can somebody look after your kids for a day so you can have some time to yourself? If not maybe you could hire a babysitter or use a local nursery maybe once a week to give you a break. I would maybe discuss your stress levels with your doctor because you may be suffering depression in some form. Just remember that you do love your children you may think about running away and not coming back you do not DO it (I sometimes think about punching people in the face but I don't do it there just fantasies). Good luck

Champa - posted on 07/26/2010

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I completely understand what you are going through. No, it doesn't mean you don't love your children. You just need a much needed break. Do you have any family near you or at least a support of friends? You just feel a little overwelmed at this time.

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