What to do about my Father-in-Law

Deborah - posted on 07/30/2012

What absolutely awful advice I have seen on this site!!!!!!! Criminal!!!!!!!
All these women sharing their stories about controlling in-laws and then getting pathetic and pussy footed responses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No NO No NO No!!!!!! Times a million!!!!!
You ladies are absolutely correct in identifying very controlling and completely UNACCEPTABLE behavior from your in-laws. To the lady above, confront your extremely cheeky and out of line father in law! Do it!!!! How completely cheeky and on a subconscious level, sexist and domineering, of him to throw your breast milk. Put him in his place or face the consequences of further trouble.

Women - do not lie down and take abuse and allow weak women to write and encourage submission. Get lost to those women!!!!!!
Stand up and assert yourselves.
I'd love to chat one-on-one with you ladies telling other women that they are not considerate enough or patient enough. I have many choice words for them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Courtney - posted on 05/14/2009

Having active grandparents is a gift. From someone who has never had any assistance from grandparents on either side. Have patience. Set your boundries, but patience.

Ashley - posted on 04/20/2009

thanks Di that's really great advice! it makes a lot of sense too. i'm really going to try to validate him more and let him know how much we appreciate him.

Di - posted on 04/20/2009

In short, thats your FIL's way of making himself important. Usually controlling behaviour stems from insecurity. Make him feel valued as grandad. When he tells you to do something say thanks for the advice, I'll think about it. Mostly just praise him about what a great grandfather he is. My ex FIL was the same with all his children and children in laws, except for me, the diff was that I made him feel valued in my life. You will be surprised about the change it will make in him. O yeah, and pray, pray, pray.

Nancy - posted on 04/11/2009

My father in law died from cancer a month before my son was born.  Although he was controlling when he was alive, I would love to spend just one day with him and let him see his grandson whom reminds me of him so very much.  Time goes by so fast...you are going to blink your eye and your son will suddenly be in high school.  Don't waste this precious time being upset with anyone.  Are you good at making jokes?  If I were you, I would approach anything that upsets you as a joke, but with some hidden meaning behind it.  For example, if my father in law would have dumped out the breast milk, I would have held up the empty bottle, looked at him while laughing, and said something like "ah...hello Dad...that was my milk..." and laughed again.  Later on I would have joked with him if he offered to feed the baby and said something like - "A...yeah...you can feed him - if you promise not to throw my milk out again!" also while laughing.  So much can be accomplished if you approach someone in this manner.  They don't get mad back at you because you are laughing and joking, but they remember the point being made.  It also forms a bond between you too because now you have that "joke" between you.  Hope this helps.

Nancy

Shawna - posted on 04/06/2009

I have alot of the same trouble with my father-in-law. with the kids he is alway down grading them and just treating them really bad he also treats my husband really bad. He just doesn't seem to understand that we got married!!! He will call constantly needing something. I understand he is elderly and can't do some of the things that he used to do but he can't seem to do anything for himself. He wasn't so bad when my mother-in-law was still alive but we have done everthing for him for 17 years!!!!We used to go out every weekend and I would clean his house for him and cook all his meals for him< he was just ungreatful for anything I did for him. He is abusive to myself,kids and my Husband.

I am with you on how to talk to him and still get the point across. I have gotten to the point with him that when he calls I just give the phone to my husband. I have talked to him about the way he treats all of us and he tells my husband that I am being mean to him. ( I do have ot say it started out with me talking nice to him and has excelled to me just being mean and nasty to him, I am ashamed of how I have let it get to me)

But on your part I do agree with you about him not feeding strange things to the baby. My father-in-law let his sister and brother-in-law put the extra breast milk I had in the frig in their coffee!!!! so there I was nothing to feed the baby!! ( he was to small to latch on and I was having to pump everything and feed with a bottle)

And like you I oculd go on for ever, I have 17 years of stuff I could say!!!!!!

Ashley - posted on 04/06/2009

Thanks for all the advice. we've been able to talk to him and things are getting a little better. although he did ask if he could feed our 5 month old son spaghetti this past weekend. (but at least he asked first so I think we're going in the right direction;) )

Nicole - posted on 04/05/2009

I can relate with your situation.  My father-in-law and my husband almost got into a fist fight when he tried to tell my husband how to control me and my husband stood up for me.  After that day he's backed off a litttle but I've had to bite my tongue and let my husband yell at him when he suggested sending our then 3 year old son, he's 5 now, to military school to beat the spirit out of him because he was too active and undisiplined while at the same time telling us that we're too hard on our older son.  He said he wasn't going to interact with our daughter because he doesn't like girls and why did we have one, so we told him that God gave her to us for a reason and that he either accepted and treated her as he did the boys or he would be separated from all of them.  He puts down my children in front of their friends on how they're better at sports, so we try to limit their time with their grandfather and we never let them watch the kids or be alone with them for more than an hour and not without my mother-in-law there.  I let my husband do most of the talking because it comes easier from him but I pick my battles and speak up when it's absolutely more than I can bear from him.

I would take the advice of these other great mom's, talk to him, set down the guidelines or rules to be followed and if you're not getting through, find someone else to babysit and only have your son around when you are there to supervise.  Sometimes it's hard for them to remember that you're not a child yourself and can make intelligent decisions for yourself.  Plus that times have changed and what worked when they were raising their kids is probably different from the way things are done now.  Good luck!

Debbie - posted on 04/03/2009

I would not have him babysit and if it becomes so bad at parties don't go until the child is older.

Jessica - posted on 03/31/2009

I read somewhere to thank the interfering parent on doing such a good job(with there child), but there parenting is over, and you will consider any advice but it your turn to be a parent. But you would like them to be there to be a grandparent.

Melinda - posted on 03/23/2009

It might just help to write him a letter.  That way, you could say as politely as possible what you & your husbands boundries are.  I went through something similar with my mother in law.  My daughter is now 4 1/2 & I no longer ask her to watch my daughter.  It's just easier & less stress than having to deal with it!  Pray about it & put in in God's hands!  I hope this helped!