9 year old stepdaughter lying ALL the time

Lissa - posted on 11/30/2011 ( 28 moms have responded )

18

0

0

Long story short... My husband has custody of his 3 children from his previous marriage. He has had custody of them since the divorce because his ex wife dropped the kids off to him one day and didn't return (or call) till 8 months later. The kids were really young when he got custody of them (the youngest only 7 months old) so they have never really had a stable relationship with their mother. She has been in and out of their life since the divorce (and since had 3 more children with different men). The kids have never had a positive female figure in their life until their dad married me.
At first it was GREAT and still is except the oldest and her lying. The kids and I are very close. The girls (the 2 oldest) love doing girly things with me cuz daddy is a "man's man" and they had been without the girly things for awhile. The oldest especially took to me, copying me, wanting to dress like me, wanting to dye her hair my color... LOL It was really cute and I was so happy our family was so happy. The thing about it is the oldest is a horrible fibber. She lies about everything. We have had problems at school with her lying and starting drama making herself out to be a victim. We understand this is an attention thing and we started having "Daddy dates" on the weekend where my husband takes the kids individually to do what they want and spend time with them without me. I think it's a great thing for them to do!! We thought this special time each child had with their father would help the cries for attention....
Well, about a year ago his ex wife decided to actually take the children for her weekend for the first time in months. Of course they went and it wasn't an hour after she had picked them up that she called my husband SCREAMING at him about how I had "grabbed the middle child by her arm and threw her out of a room". WTF? He turned and asked me about it sternly (which upset me that he could even think I'd do that). I told him I hadn't and they argued about it for awhile. When he hung up we discussed how she was probably just trying to start problems and left it at that. We ended up getting papers going to court. She was accusing me of abuse. We were flabbergasted. She claimed she saw bruises on the childs arm. We went to court and with no proof (no pics as she said she had) the kids remained with us but it was a 2 day deal and 5000 dollars for court cost/lawyer for all this.
Yesterday I took the middle child to a doctors appointment while the other 2 were in school. On the way home in the car we were singing to the radio together and she suddenly stopped and started crying. Having no idea why she was crying I asked what was wrong.
"(my oldest sister) was the one who told mom that you hurt me! I wanted to tell mom that it wasn't true but mom started yelling and got so mad I was scared to tell her it wasn't true. (the oldest) saw mom yelling and kept telling her that you hit us and yell at us and that you are mean! (the oldest) thought it was funny!!"
I was shocked. Why would she do that to me? I've bent over backwards to make sure I'm doing everything right. I am so sensitive to the fact that they are children from a divorce and try the best I can to be consistent and make sure they have time with their father. I never talk bad about their mother even though she trashes me and my marriage. I realize the child is only 9 and they can do some pretty out there things but this worries me so much. What should we do? My husband was outraged when I told him. We confronted her and she tried to lie her way out of it and finally told us yeah she had said that with no explanation as to why she had done that.
I'm starting to see a very alarming pattern with the oldest child. Her "worship" of me is very fake in alot of ways. She is quick to flatter anyone who she wants favor of at the time. She lies about everything from brushing her teeth to outright outlandish stories of how she is a victim. She is really 2 faced with her friends at school and called her best friend who is over at the house all the time "fat" to another girl in her class and they proceeded to make fun of this girl til I walked in the room. She claims she hates someone and then she is friendly to their face if she sees them. She steals and she ruins her clothes and shoes on purpose sometimes especially the most expensive things we get here. She puts candy wrappers in her brothers room and then comes to us and tells on him for "stealing candy".
What is the deal? We try so hard to make everything as normal as possible here. and we have addressed this issue with her several times from punishing her to talking to her and telling her if there is something wrong she needs to come and talk to us. Are we doing something wrong? I worry her next step is to accuse us of much worse. She has already caused a court room drama with her lies.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Megan - posted on 12/14/2011

13,092

16

89

I took my comment down because I gave my thoughts and there something fishy going on.

M - posted on 08/21/2013

2

0

0

A kid with an attachment disorder cannot be parented by instinct. It is nothing like parenting any other kid. You have to do it by the book with guidance. She needs professional help. I am the stepmom of a 13 year old stepdaughter and have been since age 5 and your affection is no match for the affection and attention and adoration of the owner of the womb she came out of. She will damn you for trying. It will go on forever. Your relationship will break up for this. You will have a constant commotion of questions and concerns running through your head. More so, than a regular mom. You will talk about it to friends that will diminish your struggle with "it's just her age". When someone compliments her based on her chameleon-like charm, their gullibility will infuriate you deeply. How can they swollow such blatant manipulation? For this, you will tire of the kindergarden game, her playing you against everyone and everyone against you. You will send her on sleepovers, even though she barely does anything to earn them, just for one moment of the kind of day you can only have without her. You will wipe the slate clean one hundred thousand times and still, it will crumble under the disappoinment of her flippant mother. Anger is pain. Find someone to help you help her. She needs to scream. She needs to learn how to articulate her pain. She needs to learn how to forgive and live in the present and be grateful for her gifts. She also needs to know what those gifts are because she feels worthless. She needs to meet her intrinsic motivation with whom she is a stranger to. She needs help processing all of this because the immediate task of growing up and developing her character depends upon strengthening the ability to communicate what is in her head and heart. She can't do that alone and she will never stop taking her pain out on everyone until she gets a little help. If I could go back, I would have NEVER make the same decision.

Kathy - posted on 12/05/2011

14

0

0

I am a stepmom who went through a similar situation. I married a man who was 11 yrs my senior with 3 boys, 5, 8 and 9. i was 19 without children who wakes up one morning with these boys dropped on my doorstep and a note saying that she cant handle it anymore for us to take them. so i did the best i could. i became pregnant shortly after and at 21 i had a daughter and three stepson. it was rough.
the middle son was my problem child. we went through the lies, the calls to DFCS, calls to cops, being ran off the road by the BM, the BM committed for coming after me with the gun, etc. you name it i have been through it. when my middle step son was 11 he was 6' tall and decided that he didnt think i should tell him what to do. so one night he pinned me down and beat me in the face. my dh had to pull him off me. it changed my whole life. it is hard to explain how one person/childs action affects your whole life and if you have never been through it, you wont understand. you not only have to deal with physical marks there are also alot of emotional marks. what you are dealing with is the emotional marks. each lie that is told leaves a mark that you feel and each time the mark gets deeper. the child doesnt understand it.

this is what i am trying to say with all that, a child male or female wants that motherly love and no matter how much you love them or you treat them like your own, they are know that they are not. they are starved for the mothers love and will say and do anything to get it.
the BM on the other hand needs to be the adult and handle this like an adult. of course she probably will never. she will make allegation until she loses the power she thinks she has and you will continue to pay.

i will give you hope. i have been married now for 17 years and with this man for 19. my youngest stepson and me are close, i think of him as my son and i would be proud to call him mine, he is now 23. my middle stepson, who physically abused me (btw this was condoned by the mother, until he did the same to her), has been in and out of jail and is a drug addict and alcoholic and is 27, the oldest has disabilities and has his vices too, he is 29.
my family has been through this. when the kids get older they will want to live with her and the court will go along with it unless she has ever been proven unfit. this will decide the path they choose. all three of my stepson have chosen a path, the youngest is the most successful and he lived with us most of his childhood. we have often talked about his life, he tells me all that as kid who wouldnt want to live with a parent who let you do anything and not have to go to school. two years ago, their mother died at 43 from emphysema. i felt so bad for the boys. again my youngest stepson called me to talk about it, his words to me were (and this can explain the things you deal with) "i know she has never been a real mother to me, but she is my mom. i have her blood and it hurts that is gone." all i could do is cry. i cried for him and i cried for her. she missed so much of his life and when she was in it there was nothing but drama. these kids will see it when they get older. i never thought they would, but they will. the kids look back on things and all you can do is your best.
all i can tell you is hang in there. also, you may want to get the child tested for a mood disorder. in with all this i was also given custody of my two nieces, both of which have bipolar disorder. part of the disorder includes lieing, hypersexuality, acting out (almost like tantrums), etc. counseling is key for both you and the children. you have to stay sane to keep it all together, but it gets better. i can honestly say this, i have been taking care of children since i was 19 and have survived. my total child count is 3 stepson, 2 daughters (age 16 and 3), and 2 nieces (age 17 and 13). you will survive, i did but learn how to stress the big things and let go of the little ones.
i hope this makes sense. i tried to keep it short but it is hard, because i have been there and am still going through it. contact me personally if you need.

Erica - posted on 11/30/2011

22,931

8

42

I would definitly stop fretting over the things you cant handle nor change. No need for it. I agree w/ Chelsea on this one, let the proper authorities worry about it. IF she wants to change she will. I dont know what custodial parent would want that kind of person in my childs life, let alone know a mother that doesnt want to see her kids . I have a friend that her ex says that same crap like you do, so i really dont know what to believe, because she does try and see them and she has been seeing them and does pay support but the ex and his gf pin a lot of BS rules that are unnecessary .

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

28 Comments

View replies by

M - posted on 08/26/2013

2

0

0

Wow, I ddn't even notice the date...
At times, I have the same concerns about posting but I think a response helps those in a similar situation connect when searching. When I search, I'm pretty specific with my wording and search for people with, for example, a 5 year old boy and 13 year old stepdaughter with an absent mother. A lot of things that I relate to are not necessarily a fresh topic but the insight helps none the less.

Of course, I am curious as to how it worked out now that everyone is two years older. ;)

Nicola - posted on 08/23/2013

64

0

3

Just wondering why a 2 year old post is in the main page for discussion which was sent to my email address.

I and a lot of people (such as @MK who recently wrote an amazing response below), spend a good amount of time thinking about people issues at hand and writing responses.

I like to read all the responses from the author of the post to get a bigger picture of someone's situation before writing anything. So it's fairly time consuming.

Ok :) ill get to the point.

I was about to respond to this post as i really wanted to, but then i realised that this initial post was written 2 years ago.

I'm not even sure if the issue is relevant anymore? If it is, I apologise.
But it seems that a lot of other people's concerns aren't being responded to, because to access them, you have to go into each community individually to find them.

Sorry, just a bit cranky that I put a lot of effort into what I was going to write as a response, to then read that this is an old post.

X

Lindzie Beachy - posted on 12/14/2011

5,875

9

53

bottom line, they need a professional to help with this sort of thing, anything abnormal behaviour that certain child needs to get it checked out and talk about it. My DS lied a lot too but kids just do that, especially if they feel fear from what the Counselor said to me in a private conference.

Christina - posted on 12/14/2011

2

0

0

Older kids will lie about anything to get attention and stir the pot ...I have seen it....just because they think its funny...teenagers will do anything nowadays....no respect....especially if they are having problems...they younger child admitted she wasn't hurt and was going along with the story because of her older sister...she is scared of the older sister...who is probably the "abuser" NOT the Stepmom......they do need help...

Hollie - posted on 12/13/2011

9,454

15

55

All i can say is have this little girl be enrolled in individual therapy and family therapy so it can improve the relationship with mother and child.

Christina - posted on 12/04/2011

2

0

0

Wow I can't believe what I am seeing.....how everyone has turned against Lissa....they obviously have never been in your situation because IT IS VERY RARE FOR A MOM TO LOSE CUSTODY OR GIVE IT UP TO A DAD......I am in your situation...my stepdaughter is now 14 and will be 15 soon...she came to me at 6 when she was starting 1st grade and boy where there problems....her Mom was and is a NUT...YES I SAID IT..because she is!!!! Mental case with a capital M and has the medical records to prove it..even drove 400 miles to my house parked her car, blocked my driveway and peed on my front porch where MY BOYS had to step over it to go to school.....her daughter had already been taken by her Dad......the Point I am trying to make is...it will get better....my daughter was on meds....she had issues...she didn't want to see her Mom, but she did and had to because of court orders, the damage these Moms do their kids is awful....but you need patience...notice I call her MY DAUGHTER, she calls me MOM....my sons are her BROTHERS, one of them just 13 mos younger than her....we are a family...we had court issues too...because when she went to her BM house and didn't listen to her and went outside unsupervised at age 11...BM went to work and left her alone so someone in her apartment complex called CPS.....THANKS BM....HOLD YOUR HEAD UP LISSA there are those of us who DO UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT YOU!!! IT WILL GET BETTER

Lissa - posted on 12/02/2011

18

0

0

Brooke...I understand that Step moms may "lie" about alot of things out of jealousy. It's not common for a mother to not want her children but the judge decided from the bench that my husband was to have custody of the kids because their mother was lacking that much. I wasn't around then. My husband has had custody for awhile before we married. There are "moms' out there that just have kids and don't take care of them the way kids should. It's sad. I have no bio kids of my own but these kids I have the blessing to have been brought in my life are just as much mine as could be. It hurt me tonight to see the middle one look sad (and I know why) so I tried to cheer her up by letting her play on the computer which is normally outlawed in our house. She misses her mom. What do you do? Call her mom and MAKE her take them? We have tried. And tried and tried. She always has an excuse. We try to do what is best for the kids. HONESTLY. As much as we disagree with what their mother does... at least they spend time with her when she takes them! She has told them we lie to them about Santa and the Easter bunny..... we hold out tongue! Ugh it's so frustrating but it's FOR THE KIDS!!!!!!! We live in MO. My husband is an engineer so he makes good money but we have one that is seriously illl. alot of our bills go to her doctors and we have one with ADHD. His meds are expensive too :(

Erica - posted on 12/01/2011

22,931

8

42

@lissa what state do you live in , if so i can get some info to a helpful link about help

Erica - posted on 12/01/2011

22,931

8

42

just a tip nobody in this community likes step mothers bashing BM's. becuase not everyone tells the truth

Erica - posted on 12/01/2011

22,931

8

42

arent the kids on state insurance there are plans out there that help out for funing if you dont qualify which you might considering she doesnt pay support

Lissa - posted on 11/30/2011

18

0

0

"same crap like you do, so i really dont know what to believe,"
Believe me or not that "crap" is true. We have a unique situation where my husband cares about his children and has custody of them. Sorry... I thought it was only men who ducked child support and chose to not be in childrens lives. Believe what you want but I live it. I see it. It's confusing to me so I can't imagine what it does to the kids. We DO try to make her come to their events and the last time she DID take them we had to talk her into it and the fact is she dropped them off at my husbands mothers house Saturday morning of that weekend. In fact it is court ordered that she is to know about every event and my husband is a stickler for playing by the rules so he doesn't lose the kids. We tell her about everything from a lost tooth to their grades. She ignores us. Yes it is hard to believe. But yes, it does happen. I try all the time to imagine what the kids think when she ignores them. As much as I don't understand why she is the way she is and wonder if it's not hurting the kids we try to make her be a part of their lives so that we dont even take a CHANCE of hurting them anymore then they already are. We make no rules that are outlandish. At her house it is her rules, they watch movies we don't let them watch (we don't say a word) they dress in clothes we don't let them dress in ( oh well) they even say things we wouldn't let them say but it's her house her rules. Nothing we do is to keep her away, in fact we bend over backwards to make her a part of their lives.

Lissa - posted on 11/30/2011

18

0

0

The issue in the first place isn't even about their mother. I mentioned her for the kids' background and then got accused of trash talking her. I was explaining myself. We don't really worry about that stuff other then the CS because we have one that is sick and her doctor bill are way high. We pay them without help but it would be nice to not have to struggle. So I was just saying. My husband and I only worry about how her behavior is effecting the kids. Obviously we are having problems with one of them. If my main issue was to come here and complain or worry about what she was doing I would have done it a long time ago because it's been going on since she lost custody of them.
The main issue is the child's behavior and that is what I was getting at from the start. I AM worried about being a good parent which is why I came here for advice.
The things our daughter is saying in school is pretending to be sick and playing sick for days to the point we take her to the doctor and she STILL insist she is sick (until she gets home and she wants to play). She also "enjoys" starting rumors and pitting her friends against each other. They are starting to figure out the problem is her and she complains she has no friends. She talks about people behind their backs and then is just over the top friendly to them when she sees them. This behavior is in school and out of school but the difference is at home we can watch it and put a stop to it when we see her do this. But I can't go to school with her everyday. The principle has even had a meeting with us about her acting like "a mean girl" stirring up drama and spreading rumors. I understand this may be just "girl" but the abuse allegations went too far!

Lindzie Beachy - posted on 11/30/2011

5,875

9

53

The Court system will take care of her and no need to worry about it. Usually if a step parent that worries all the time with the biological parent is up to, they end up nowhere. So really dont stress just know you do a good job in parenting ok?

Lindzie Beachy - posted on 11/30/2011

5,875

9

53

Usually you have to be over 5, 000 before they do anything, sounds like you do have a beef with her perhaps you can get counseling to and air / vent out address these issues, because you say you want them to "attack " her DL

Lissa - posted on 11/30/2011

18

0

0

That is just one of her many excuses if she bothers to make one at all. There have been times before that she demands us to bring the kids to her (thinking we would say no) and we have gotten all the way to her house and she isn't there. Since I have been in the kids life she has only been consistent in taking them for her weekends for about 5 months TOTAL. That is over the course of 3 years. She owes HUGE amounts of child support but for some reason they won't go after her DL. She won't hold a job long enough for them to garnish her wages. But,,, we still try to do whatever we can to keep her in contact with them. I wonder sometimes if we are "forcing the issue" too much and if the kids see us trying so hard and it makes them feel like she isn't interested unless we make the effort :( That's why I try SO SO hard to be gentle when it comes to the topic of their mother. I am very confused by the woman myself but I feel sorry for her too... who wouldn't WANT to be a mother?

Erica - posted on 11/30/2011

22,931

8

42

I agree Hollie no BM would say they have more fun w/ the other parent, most BM's who dont have custody isnt because they have more fun at dads. Most BM s would want custody.

Lissa - posted on 11/30/2011

18

0

0

Thank you Brooke! I kinda wondered too if this wasn't a "phase" she was going through but it has been going on since she was 6. The lie about the abuse is super serious though. Her father and I spent 2 scary scary days in court praying that the truth would come out and the judge would believe that there was no abuse. I think I'm going to talk to my husband about her going to see someone to talk to. I know it's all about attention and we try very hard to make sure they all get individual attention so not to feel like they are left out. Sometimes I wonder if she does miss her mother when she is gone for long periods of time and this is her acting out about it. But there is nothing we can do about that. We can't force their mother to want to be in their lives. We try to get ahold of her through texts and phone calls but she ignores us or comes up with excuses why she can't see them. Her latest "excuse" was "they have more fun with you..... just keep them for my weekend". It's sad.

Lissa - posted on 11/30/2011

18

0

0

Then why did you say I was trash talking their mother? Don't judge me either please. I've have been a SAINT biting my tongue when the mother is around and trash talks me. I'm dealing with this little girl who I love like my own and I'm concerned that she will get someone or herself into serious trouble. I was extremely hurt that she told this horrible lie to her mother about me abusing her younger sister but I want to help her. She is becoming increasingly unpopular in school (not that I'm worried about popularity) but I worry that she is alienating herself from her peers by her behavior and she trys to get people in trouble for no reason.
As for their mother... I'm not sure why she wouldn't want to see them. Since I have been in their life I have witnessed so many little every day milestones that are SO amazing to me. Why anyone would want to miss that I'm not sure. It would break my heart to think that I could miss a second of those moments :(

Erica - posted on 11/30/2011

22,931

8

42

i have a 9 year old who is just the same. I catch him out and when I do we discuss why he lied and what could of happened if we didn't find out. I think it's normal and it's all about testing the boundary's and finding out what they can get away with.

Keep the communication going, try not to get angry (all the time lol) so try not to get angry, children seem to tell the truth if there is no physical or yelling screaming going on

Hollie - posted on 11/30/2011

9,454

15

55

Why would a mother not want to see their own child just gets me.

Lissa - posted on 11/30/2011

18

0

0

I'm not trash talking their mother. I'm telling the truth. We are going on 3 months now without hearing from her at all. She didn't call the one of them on their birthday and has yet to call. She doesn't pay child support. I never trash talk their mother at all. Honestly she never really gets brought up at our house. The kids have talked about her before and we are always positive about it asking "did you have fun? That sounds like fun!" We STILL try to contact her to get her to come to functions for the kids and she ignores us. There is ZERO abuse going on in this house and never will be. And if you read it correctly it was *me* who was accused of grabbing a childs arm and throwing her into another room. The child that told the lie admitted to us that she did indeed lie about it!!!
Sounds like another mother who is bitter about losing custody of her kids and someone else raising them because you unfit.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms