Being a step mom is the hardest job ever!!

Catreal - posted on 04/14/2010 ( 364 moms have responded )

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I have read many blogs on here from mothers who are worried about the stepmom getting in the way. Well I am a stepmom and have been one for 6 years now,and let me tell ya the job sucks. You don't know where your place is with the stepkids.Mine live with me half of there life,so when they are here I am just suppose to step back and do nothing according to some moms here! I can't do nothing for one I really love them as my own,and 2nd I do have my own children to and I don't want them to see the other two getting away with everything. I am not an evil stepmom.What I do for my kids I do for my stepkids also. I am sorry real moms but I think I should have a say in rasing my stepkids I pay for things they do,I buy their colthes,I get there hair cut.I take them to the doctor,I help them with there homework,I cook for them I wash their colthes.When their sick I take care of them. Isn't that all things a mom dose? I wish real moms could see how hard some of us stepmoms work at rasing your kids!! At the end of the day now matter how hard I work at rasing my step sons they will always love their mom more!! As that is the way it should be,but I just want alittle space in their heart,and I do not feel like my step kids love me at all. There real mom hates me,and won't even talk to me! I am sorry real moms but if I am helping rasing your kids I think you should talk to me,why not you know your ex-husband is not doing all the work with the kids so why not try and get along with the new wife. I wish real moms could just step back and look at the step mom as a helper.The kids know who their parents are,and they have enough love for many people in their life. I am just saying if you have a good woman who is trying to help you with your kids why do you have to hate her,because you think she took your place. I have an ex to and I work very hard to get along with him. Anyways real moms can you just give us step moms a break. Not all of us are bad!! And my step kids do not call me mom either...

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Sissy - posted on 11/24/2012

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Catreal – kudos to you on this post! I have been married for almost 2 years with no children of my own. My husband has a 15 yr old daughter and a 12 yr old son from a previous marriage, and let me tell you, being a stepmom is NO easy task. I’ve enjoyed reading many of the posts here. They all help shed some insight into the world of step parenting…..just from different perspectives. One of the posters, Sara, particularly stood out to me; primarily, because I disagree with some of her points, but more importantly, because I was able to learn from them.

I want to first address the misconception that stepmoms want to “mother” their spouse’s children. That we so badly want to “step up” to the plate and prove what great stepparents we can be. I won’t pretend that I know the mindset of every stepparent and say that this is not true, but please do not speak for everyone. In my case, this could not be further from the truth. It is largely perceived that stepchildren have the most difficult time transitioning into a new household, but let me assure you that the same can be said for the stepmom who must also accept “the new life”.

In one of her posts, Sara basically said when things go awry within the blended family, the mom, dad, nor children should be blamed, and that in fact, the stepmom is to blame for marrying into a divorced family without researching the previous arrangement. What you fail to acknowledge, Sara, is that when the relationship is DONE, it is DONE. A person’s past relationship will NEVER stop those in love from moving forward with THEIR marriage. No one is going to learn everyone’s skeletons upfront. Sure, I was aware of some of the troubles my husband had with his ex, but neither of us spent our time focusing on their relationship which was dissolved; we were too busy focusing on OUR life that was quickly building. When I married my husband, HE was the package deal. NOT his ex, and NOT his children. I have NO interest in being their mom. That may seem a bit harsh, BUT it is a reality. The challenging part for me was welcoming HIS children into OUR home and making it work in a way that we would all be comfortable. And I am supposed to accomplish this while dealing with his very nasty and controlling ex, who has attempted everything from filing frivolous lawsuits against him to packing up and moving her children more than 300 miles away without his knowledge. It doesn’t help that she has been jealous of and intimidated by me from day 1. Imagine that.

But this brings me to my next point, which is the “perceived” role of the stepmom. Sara, I commend you for caring for your daughter and not relying on anyone’s help; particularly, not forcing the stepparent to take on the role of the actual parent. It’s that kind of virtuous independence that single moms should take note of. But it seems that you have forgotten exactly what a marriage is. When I married my husband, WE became ONE. There are a new set of household rules that we both contribute to. We don’t make important decisions about anything that affects BOTH of us, without first discussing among us. This is where I disagree with your take on the stepparent-stepchild interaction.

You said, “His primary responsibility until those children are grown is to them, not to you.”

Not true. A husband’s responsibility is his FAMILY. That includes his children AS WELL AS his wife. If he does not take care of his children, his relationship with them will suffer, as will his marriage if it is not properly cared for. If you do not want your children to be forgotten, it is equally important that you do not try to diminish the role of the wife. She is equally important in his life.

Now, seeing that we function as a unit, a household….a home….BOTH of us will contribute to some of the decisions made involving his kids while they are in OUR care, in OUR home. You seem to embrace this false notion that the stepkids should only interact, or have to answer to their dad – as if he is a separate “entity” in our home.

You said, “As for love and affection...hon, he's being very clear. He doesn't want your love and affection, nor, apparently, your family. He wants his dad, full stop. And you're lucky -- he's not six, he's not helpless. You can let him separate from your family, and just have his dad, without fear of damage. He's already on his way out, and he knows it. I wouldn't expect him to grow more cooperative over the next few years.”

…..This is exactly my point, which is a very unhealthy way of analyzing and dealing with the situation. We as stepmoms should know which lines not to cross. In no way would I try to be intrusive of my husband and his kid’s relationship, or ever try to prevent them from having alone time. But what those children need to realize is that there will not always be alone time. They should not see it as “coming to daddy’s house that is separately shared with that lady”, they will have to accept that they are coming to their daddy’s (other) family’s home. I know that it can be a very painful concept for a child to accept, but it is no different than me having to accept the expensive (and in my mind overcompensated for) child support payments, the time that my husband will spend away from me, the holidays in which our time will be divided….the list goes on and on. That “acceptance” thing goes both ways and it does not matter who was here first. The point, is, we are both here NOW. My husband’s finances are MY finances and vice versa. When my husband was laid off for a few weeks, I PAID the child support. Do I expect kudos from the mom, because after all you feel she owes no one anything……but even to this I say NO. I don’t expect kudos, but I do expect her to understand that my husband and I function as a unit – financially as well as emotionally, so please don’t minimize OUR involvement by saying that the dad “can do it all by himself.” Rarely in ANY healthy marriage, does any single partner do it all by themselves. It is 100% teamwork, and it does not stop with stepchildren under my umbrella.

When the children stay with us, we don’t stop our normal lives and incorporate some make believe schedule that is only intended for them (and my husband). Guess what? Work hours don’t change just because they are here. And you know what else? We still have just 24 hours before the day is over. Don’t be so naïve. Sometimes my help is required to make things work for THEM, even when I DON’T necessarily want to be involved. But that’s because we are working to accommodate everyone – not just the kids, and NOT just me, the stepmom. That is what I think moms do not want to accept.

Trella - posted on 11/12/2013

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I was beginning to think I was the only one going through this "drama"! My life for the past four years has been complete chaos. I am the mother of four children and one step child. I do whatever I can to have a amicable relationship with my kids step mom but my step sons mother is .. well I don't have a word for it! My stepson lived with my husband and I for three years until last Christmas when she did not return him from a visit because as she says he doesn't like me! No surprise though she will do anything to make our lives as miserable as hers. She has told me to stay out of her and MY husbands relationship, has called him on many occasions begging him to come back to her and have another baby, she has tried to physically throw herself at him during exchanges of the child the list goes on and on. The utter disrespect this girl has shown me is ridiculous! She sure doesn't have a problem though when it is my money taking care of her child! For the three years he lived with us she sent two packs of socks, one shirt and a pack of underwear! My husband was laid off and had a hard time finding another job so who paid for all his clothes, shoes, school stuff etc.... My stepson will be returning to live with us in June and I am completely scared to death over what is going to happen. I feel like my husband is constantly trying to be extra nice to his kid so that he "likes" him more. I have my own children in the home and I am strict on them (it has paid off, I have one going to whatever college she chooses on a full ride next Fall) but I am expected to just let his kid do whatever he wants so as to not upset a child and his mother? It is ridiculous! She has NO say so over what goes on in my house just as my ex husband has no say so but yet I feel like I have to walk on egg shells to keep a 7 year old from having a temper tantrum and crying to his mom that I am mean because I make him pickup after his self, do his homework, eat his vegetables and respect the other people around him? I swear if I would have known that being a step parent was going to be this hard and frustrating I would have NEVER married again! I have even thought about just leaving and getting out of this mess for my own sanity. Guess we will just wait and see what happens!!

Jacqueline - posted on 04/20/2010

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I happen to be one of the lucky stepmom's who has a loving stepdaughter (16) and an Ex wife who is more interested in her new life then to bother with ours... It wasn't always so... In the begining the Ex would make strange comments in my presence as to say she could still be with my man and that I may not be fit for the stepmom position... I told my man that whatever the problem was between the two of them that the child or myself had nothing to do with it and if there was something that needed to be said that she could say it to him or the courts... When she seen (after 3 yrs) that I was not going anywhere the comments grew fewer and fewer.. As for the the girl, she would give me a hard time and rebel and say "Your not my MOM"... It did hurt but I never let her see it... She was 5 when I got her and I was 20... I would tell her then that No I am not your mother but how would she feel if you talked to her that way?? If she was being hurtful to me I would tell her not to speek to me at all... Because I was very playful and loving to her it upset her for me to not to speek to her and she would come around... I would then talk about why I chose not to speek to her and explane why she should appoligize... As time has passed (10 yrs) Both mother and daughter appreciate my place in this whole sittuation... I am a happy person, if you want to be a CAPITAL B, it is your choice but you will not rain on my sunny day...

As far as the teenage years, PMS and or moodieness... I told my daughter that she could be misrible by herself because her father and I only want her to be happy and if being around us made her unhappy that it was her choice not to come to stay with us... She has learned to control her attitude and is pretty happy and very well behaved 98% of the time...

With all that being said, you should not cater someones pitty party... There is no reason to converse with the Ex if they cannot be civil... That's what the courts are for... And if the childern are being feed lies and hate it is your job to reassure them that you only have the very best intentions for them and hug & love them as best you can... Soon they will be able to see for themselves what honest love feels like...

I think some of the stories I have read about stepchildern being mean or disresentful is due to a lack of information and caring on parents (bio and step) part... If you do not want to be a stepmom or don't want do deal with any part of it... Take your self out of the picture... Kids pick up on the negitive energy and you get what you give... You can only control your role...

Lakota - posted on 02/22/2013

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Wendy, I know a lot of biomoms can be that way. It is very unfortunate. But, it is not the case with me. My sons don't say anything good or bad about their stepmom. The main reason is because they hardly see her or their father. I tried the family meeting. Welcomed her and my ex into my home, etc. I used to email them both about the boys and their accomplishments, etc. to involve them with their lives. I stopped a couple of years ago because they have no interest. My ex feeds his new wife with lies which makes her hate me which makes my ex stay away from his kids. He likes the drama and creates it. So, in some cases, it is actually the ex-husband that keeps stepmom and biomom at odds with each other.

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Leslie - posted on 06/24/2014

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I have been with my bf for 3.5 years, we have been living together for one. We live in his 'marital' home. I also have MS, diagnosed 2 years ago. His now 15 yr old daughter is driving me completely crazy. She's sullen, she acts like it completely pains her to speak to me...or to hear me speak. She has told me she doesn't like me, she has refused to put on her seatbelt in the car, she refuses to say please and thank you. She and her dad both seem to hate when I change anything in a house that hasn't been updated for 15 years. And she's there half the time. Ladies, how do you know when it's time to give up for your own sanity? I'm so confused and torn. It's just awful.

Anonomis - posted on 05/04/2014

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I am a step mum of 3 kids and my husband and I have 1 daughter together. We have 50\50 custody of his children. I love being a step mum but the boundtys can be tricky. My step kids all love me (unless they're in trouble then they hate me) but there always a pleasure. I took them on when I was 20, the youngest was 4 and eldest was 10. IWe now have a 2yo, I treat them all the same. I'm also a university student and I care for my dad who lives 30km away. So its bloody hard stuff, iv recently cut down the times I can look after the kids, my husband works shifts so we now only have them when he's home, so the time has cut from 3-4 days a week to 3 days every 6 days as I'm not able to take them to school etc. I have been made to feel like iv done the wrong thing and like I'm being selfish, my mother in law is now constantly having the kids so the ex can go on holidays etc and I'm feeling like its my fault because I should be having them.. My father has a terminal illness, I have my own 2yo and I'm doing a university degree, am I being selfish or is the ex just jealous? And trying to make me feel bad by loading the kids onto my mother in law (about 3-4 of the 6 that's she's supposed to have them) grrrrr.. Sorry for the vent, being a step mum you feel like your not allowed to complain about your step kids biomum.....

Lexii - posted on 05/03/2014

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I am an 18 year old step mother to a wonderful 3 year old boy. (Aka bug) There are alot of things posted about bio moms and step there is not a huge diffrance my husbands ex had the same jelousy problem untill bug wanted to come see me and she seen how happy he is it took her about a year to get that step parents are not here to harm ur child but to love them by choice to help them grow and to help keep them safe. When bug is at our house he is treated like my own son even when mommy comes over because there should not be an over power in parenting when i say something mommy and daddy back me up and vice versa that way the plan sticks .everyrhing is easier on a child when ALL of his parents are co-operating as 1 family not well u do what u want at ur place ill do what i want its lets talk and make sure the kid does not get confused or upset in the majour changes in the different households ... now after reading this has it helped u think about the fact that a family of young adulta can come to a cival solution but there are people in there 40swhen still cant realize any of what i have typed

Michelle - posted on 04/15/2014

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I am 19 years old, not a step mom but I have an older boyfriend who I moved in with and who has a daughter from a previous girlfriend and she is 7, a bit on the "stuck up" side which is completely different than how I live or would have my kids live. Her mother is a 28 year old lives at home, collects child support and doesn't do anything for herself, she doesn't even treat her daughter respect or manners. So when we get Kayla on the weekends Friday-Sunday I deal with attitude and lots of stress, being a full time student and worker, the weekends use to be when I relaxed, but its too much of a hassle on the weekends. I get aggravated and try not to let things affect me but I feel as if they do. I love Roger we have been together for 2 years but the weekends are starting to come and I dread them, I dread taking her to my parents house because I am embarrassed by how she acts and don't want anyone to think that she would ever act this way if she is my kid.

Michelle - posted on 04/15/2014

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I am 19 years old, not a step mom but I have an older boyfriend who I moved in with and who has a daughter from a previous girlfriend and she is 7, a bit on the "stuck up" side which is completely different than how I live or would have my kids live. Her mother is a 28 year old lives at home, collects child support and doesn't do anything for herself, she doesn't even treat her daughter respect or manners. So when we get Kayla on the weekends Friday-Sunday I deal with attitude and lots of stress, being a full time student and worker, the weekends use to be when I relaxed, but its too much of a hassle on the weekends. I get aggravated and try not to let things affect me but I feel as if they do. I love Roger we have been together for 2 years but the weekends are starting to come and I dread them, I dread taking her to my parents house because I am embarrassed by how she acts and don't want anyone to think that she would ever act this way if she is my kid. It would be nice to get some advice or tips, I am only 19 and I think it makes it harder, I don't know whether to step back or what to do on the weekends.

Jennifer - posted on 03/05/2014

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OK, so now that the stepdaughter is 12, she says she's bi sexual and has posted pics of herself and this girl, who mind you, has gone to juvenile for hitting her mother, AND goes to alternative school. Last Saturday, my husband did visitation by himself. It has been this way for a couple of months because his daughter told him she wanted it to be "just their family". Well, "Just Their Family" involves the bio mom!!! Although my husband hasn't taken his ex wife with them on visits, it's driving the daughter crazy; not to mention driving a wedge between me and my husband, which is EXACTLY what his daughter wants. Now, she's moved on to making run away and suicide threats. My husband says he'll get as involved as much as he needs to, and if it means being down their with them then he'll have to do just that. The thing is, my husband cannot be trusted around his ex wife, as far as not showing her any emotions. Hell, he won't even be affectionate with me, and God forbid I should try to help him with the situation, even though he asks for my advice. I am raising my 10yr old daughter differently than what my husband and his ex wife are raising their kids. I am a completely different type of parent. I MAKE my daughter behave, because she knows if she steps out of line, there ARE consequences and I DO FOLLOW THROUGH with them. I feel like a total outsider. She posted hateful things about me on FB and Instagram, then told her Dad that she likes me now. How can she when I haven't seen or talked to her?! Of course she likes me now because I'm staying out of the way and her Dad is doing the visits by himself without all of us. My husband won't t\even tell her that "JUST OUR FAMILY" means "OUR FAMILY" as in I'm a part of that family, not their mother. He says he doesn't want to hurt their feelings. Then he claims he had a conversation with them about me and my daughter going to the visits too, and he said they both agreed to it. WTH?!?! They are kids! There is no compromise, there is no "well they agreed to it"!!! Bulls***!! Since when do they get to call the shots?! Then, my husband later tells me that when he and I were txting, she told him to turn off his phone because I was getting on her nerves and she didn't care what I had to say. Well, you'd think my husband would've told her to mind her own business and that it was an adult matter we were discussing. I'm over this s*** with her, with his exwife, WITH HIM!!! He has A LOT of thinking to do, and he better decide real quick on "OUR" level of importance. His kids get his obligation to them EVERY WEEK and we're in the poor house. Plus, they get him all to themselves with out me and my daughter every other week, and he spends money on them. On the weeks we don't have them, my husband mopes around, gets up long enough to eat breakfast, smoke a cigarette, then goes back to bed all weekend. He doesn't want me to go anywhere and says he is hanging out with me and my daughter...how? By us just being stuck at home and watching him sleep??? Then if we have gone somewhere together on an off weekend, it's only what HE wants to do, we have to get it done fast so we can get home for him to go back to bed. He won't enjoy life without them either. Everytime we have gone somewhere, he'll make sure it's near their house and he'll find a way to squeeze them in to our conversation, then he gets depressed about not having them. He likes blaming me for that too. Then, he'll ask for my advice or he'll tell me about how he wished he didn't have his kids, and how he should've used a condom, and I think he says that stuff because he thinks that's what I want to hear. But I encourage him to spend time with his kids. I always tell him, "If you're that depressed about it, then go get them." Or I'll say, "You know what? Why don't you call the ex wife, and see about getting your kids for a while today? It'll get you out of the house and you can spend some time with them?" He says he doesn't want to that he wants to be with me, but then just sleeps all the time. His daughter has been so manipulative, more so lately, I'm at my wits end and my daughter doesn't even want to be around her. HELP!!!!!

Jasmine - posted on 03/01/2014

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I am a stepmom or two teenagers (boy 13 & girl 16). Prior to marrying my husband, it wasn't too bad. I was never close to them; I tried,but they won't allow me to get close. It's because they feel that if they get close to me, they're betraying their bio mom.

I use to get along with the ex until she found out that we got married. It was no secrets, the kids were there. I know the kids told her cause she didn't go off until
the kids got home from spending the Holidays with us. She claim that she found out from Facebook, which neither myself or my husband have an account. The daughter over heard me talking to her Aunt about Facebook and decided to call her dad and said that Mom found out because there's pictures of your wedding on Facebook. But when we asked all our family members, they said there are no pictures of us on Facebook. That's how I discovered that the kids were lying and trying to cover up how their mother found out.
It's that most of the time when the kids are around (M-F) I feel like I am "The Help" to them. I am just drain from trying to fit it and feeling like I can be apart of them. I have pretty much threw in the towel. I know that many are saying you get what you put in, but I don't feel that at all. I just feel used most of the time. My husband keeps telling me that if there is something I want the kids to do, I need to be the one to tell them. They don't react to my request like they do with their father.
I love my husband very much!!! He's a wonderful father and husband. He is very fair and never allow them to disrespect me, but when he's not around, his son will push every button I have.

I think I should stop venting now. Thanks for allowing me to vent, I am feel like I need to see a shrink to help me with my stress.

~ Jasmine

Anna - posted on 02/18/2014

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I'm a step mom to a 10 year old little boy and have three of my own kids. My stepson is with us 50% of the time, and I do everything for him that his mom does - but at the end of the day, I know that I am not his mom, and nothing I could even try to do would remotely come close to that. I think that as stepmoms, we need to take a step back and step into the reality that our jobs are not to replace the mom. Our jobs are to be another parent that loves them and respects them, and loves unconditionally. We also have to know going in to the role of stepmom that it is not an easy job. Quit trying to be mom and enjoy being stepmom.

Laura - posted on 02/14/2014

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Wow so much information. I have a great 10 year old stepson who is really sweet. I've known him for two years. His dad and I are getting married in three months.
I have a hard time with the fact that I do so much for him ( we have full custody) - get his meals, try to do fun things with him, listen to his stories about wrestling, discipline him, love him, set up play dates and still he always wants his mom and she'll always be his number one. I know this is how it should be but it's just really hard to digest. She slanders me,
Fills his head, is on drugs, and makes up things to him ( telling him nasty things which I say to her.... Complete lies) she doesn't participate in any of his care. Is a very sick woman but yet gets all of his love. My mom says ... You knew he had a son when u got involved .... But truly no one can understand the magnitude of feelings that come along with raising a person who is not biologically yours until you are in the thick of it. Especially when his mom is so evil. Again I know I chose this bit I miss my privacy, I miss
My down time - and sometimes I don't want to talk about little kid things. I should be grateful that he loves me. I went out early this am to get him valentine gifts ... A bunch of candy, arts and crafts, sporting equip .... And he wakes me up earlier to show me the beautiful card he made for his mom with the materials I bought him as a valentines gift. He said to me 3x I did this for mom..... I felt like crying. I texted his dad ( my fiancé) and told him all of my feelings that I do so much and listen to all his little boy stories and nurture and care for him and he makes her this beautiful card... I know his mom is his mom.... But I do all her work and the rewards don't really comes way. My fiancé didn't give me any sympathy... He said it'll always be his mom and he said I really didn't like reading all the the things which I had written to him about the valentines day stuff and not getting his love. Any feedback would be great. No one understands except people who are in it.

Karen - posted on 01/04/2014

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I married a man with 3 kids who mother only comes to see them once every two weeks.She doesn't call or anything. I have three kids from another relationship. We have one baby together and are expecting a baby in may. My mother in law acts like his kids are her so I just stay out of the way and take care of mine. This is the hardest thing I have ever done because I don't want to be there mom I just love their dad. Any ideas on how to deal with this?

Alyssa - posted on 12/29/2013

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I am a step mother also. The biomom is such a horrible person to deal with. She called me the other day just to argue. I hate confrontation, & I usually shrug her off. She is so difficult when it comes to co parenting. I'm at my wits end with her trying to bully me.

Melissa - posted on 12/22/2013

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Advice; during an argument tonight I called step daughter a bitch note;) she's 30 she doesn't reply her father looks over and says your the bitch!!!! What do I expect from all of this?

Samantha - posted on 12/19/2013

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Hey, I'm with you an feel for you all the way, unfortunately the step kids will continue to do this an treat you this way until you stop an say enoughs enough or you can ride the storm. They will only realise when they are adults or when they have children, there is not a lot you can do. I'm sorry. I'm still in the position now, my s.kids are 17 an 15. I've had them full time for 7 years an it was great at the start for 5 years or so, now they hate me. Thanks to their mom.

Samantha - posted on 12/19/2013

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Hi Catreal, I totally understand where you are coming from.I am also a full time step mom. This is not a battle against all the real moms out there, we just want alittle support an respect from you as at the end of the day we are bringing or helping to bring up your children. I am having a hard time with my step daughter who I have looked after 28 days a month may I add who now doesn't even talk to me as she has been brainwashed by her mom an her family. It is supposed to be a happy time of year an our house is in termoil. My stepson has started to talk to me an his dad again but our S.daughter doesn't even talk to him. She constantly lies to us an her mom knows, she an her mom have planned that once she is 18 she is going to go an stay in Australia for 6-8 mths with her moms brother an wife, this is only the tip of the iceberge!! How is what she is doing helping the kids! She is suppoised to be their guider in life not head screwing. So I'm sorry to say moms don't always know the best. Have faith in what us step moms do as we have to have faith in what we do!

Elaine - posted on 11/30/2013

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Snap! Yes I would have run for the hills if I knew what I know now..If I ever get the courage to leave I'll never date a 40 year old with a young child.

Jennifer - posted on 11/30/2013

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A few weeks ago, my husband's EX called him at work just to b**** at him and lay a guilt trip for disciplining his son while he was visiting and because my husband had to work mandatory OT that weekend. That is her usual storyline. He called me after the argument with her; he was very distressed and started having a panic attack. That's what this wretched EX of his does! She stresses him out so bad that he has to call me to talk him through and calm him down from the panic attack! After he was calm, he asked ME to call her and have a "chat". Well, I called the EX and explained to her that MY husband would've told her himself but he had just had a panic attack. I told her she was ONLY to call him during his off work hours and ONLY pertaining to the kids unless there was an emergency with the kids. I also said she was to speak to him in a respectable manner as he does her and she was not to continue bashing him to her kids. And regardless of what their son may be used to getting away with at HER house, which is any and every thing, it would not be happening in OUR home.I told her that her guilt trips and all of her drama needed to be directed somewhere else and she was not to speak to my husband unless it pertained to the kids. I used a very civilized and calm tone with her. She began yelling and cursing me as loud as she could. I told my husband what happened and we left it at that. She continued to call him and do the daily drama skit for a couple of weeks. A couple of nights before Thanksgiving, my husband called to tell his kids he hoped they enjoyed the holiday and they started making fun of and mocking him for no reason. He was trying to ask his EX a question about some work equipment he believed to still be in her house after the divorce a few yrs ago. She told him that she wasn't going to speak to him unless it was about the kids. Then just yesterday, they got into a heated argument when he questioned her again; he called to talk to his son. Once again, he calls me and tells me what happened. Then, he tried to turn it around on me by saying that the EX is doing what I told her to do so now he can't get a straight answer from her. He actually tried placing blame on my because she wants to be a B**** and is now doing as I instructed and demanded her to do! WELL IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME SHE DID SOMETHING RIGHT! I've tried so many times to be civil with HER for the sake of the kids. I've let his kids take their time and not forced them in a relationship with me OR my 10yo daughter. The stepson has gotten a little better in his behavior, and when his sister isn't around, he's fine and gets along with my daughter.

Elaine - posted on 11/28/2013

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Trust me I relate. I raised two children of my own after their dad exited their lives. They are now 25 and 28..I met my husband with a 2 1/2 year old who was like a cave child..out of control..would attack me like a wild animal. I figured I could handle her and she would come around with some structure and boundries..well now she is 6 1/2 life has been a living hell...if I didn't love my husband so much I would of left 5 years ago..I thought he would finally come out of denial that she has issues..it's always your picking on my child. No I'm not she needs to learn respect and boundries. ..she has been suspended from the school bus..school and even sent to a behavior hospital for two months just to be told she's spoiled and wants her way..he doesn't punish her for being mean or disrespecting teachers or even the crapy attitude toward him..but I'm the bad mommy to teach her I will be respected from her.

Brenda - posted on 11/22/2013

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I have a 13 yo stepdaughter...a 13 yo daughter and a 17 yo son. Been married for 5 years.
My step absolutely despises me. She informed us that she will no longer come over because of me, and both her mom and my hubby told her she can make her own decisions(she always has). So her dad sees her 2x a month or whenever she feels like seeing him. She is manipulative, rude, and downright disrespectful. Not just to me, but her dad and mom too. Her mom who hates me as well told me she just believes in keeping the peace, now my husband is on the same boat as her. Let her do or say whatever so long as you never tell her no.
My husband says it's all my fault and he says he can't and won't do anything at all, he wants to keep the peace. Sometimes it like she thinks of him as more than a dad.
So now he rewards her behavior by buying her stuff and keeping it from me, it's like what he does with and for her is a big secret, and gets very mad when I ask about her.
He has no problem wanting to discipline my kids though, and so far I've been lucky, they are pretty good kids.
I'm sorry I ranted I gave no one that understands where I'm coming from.
If I had to do it again , never would I marry someone with kids.
What do I do, we just live separate lives, etc?..her mom just lets her do whatever she wants, she was even letting her date a 15 yo when she was 12.
Someone please help me.....

Stacey - posted on 11/21/2013

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So sorry to read this, but comforted to know I'm not the ONLY stepmom going through this situation, though mine is multiplied by THREE!
I started dating my now husband about seven and half years ago, he was a divorced full time father of three boys, ages 14, 12 and 8 yrs old. I was a divorced full time mom to two beautiful girls, ages seven and six.
While of course we anticipated bumps in the road as we merged our two families when we married after dating for two years, I was never prepared for the hostility I was met with.
Though all three boys showed enthusiasm and kindness about the marriage and relationship PRIOR to the actual marriage, they all did a complete 360 once the ceremony actually happened. All three boys have just hated upon me since the day I moved in! Mostly I know, it has to do with the influence of their PSYCHO. alcoholi mom, who doesn't even have custody OR even overnights with the boys,but does dinners here and there, and takes every opportunity she can to pollute the boys heads with garbage about how I will "never be their mom" or how " she stole your dad away from me!" (which is the biggest lie ever! We didn't even know each other when they got divorced!) and since my husbands ex-wife has conveniently befriended my sociopathic exhusband, he fills her head with even more crap, that she in turn tells my stepsons! This has resulted in SO MUCH GRIEF FOR OUR FAMILY UNIT it's hard to even describe! It's actually caused a rift between my husband and his own extended family! Even though they KNOW his ex wife is a whack job, by their own admissions, when they hear their grandsons, nephews, whatever, repeat the lies their mother has filled their head with about me, rather than sticking up for me, and giving me the benefit of the doubt like they one would hope they would, they call my husband ranting and raving like crazy people themselves!!!
I have not only one, but TWO lifelong domestic violence restraining orders against my exhusband , one would think that would be enough to question anything he might say about me, but apparently not.
It's been a hard las few years, to say the least and some times I'm blown away my husband and I have even survived this long, but if we've made it thus far,I think we have a god chance of going the distance!!

Priya - posted on 11/11/2013

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I'm so glad to have found this thread. I have been with my (now) husband for 10 years. I was still in college, and he had a 6-year old at the time. 10 years later, it has not gotten much easier. My husband and his ex-wife are extremely different from one another, and we've always had different rules. Even when she would say she had the same rules, we'd find out that actually their son had very few rules (no bedtime, was allowed to play really violent video games, no limits onf TV, no time spent reading, etc.). She and her second husband made fun of me behind my back and encouraged my step-son to think poorly of me, even though I was working so hard to provide a healthy, safe, and nurturing environment at our house. My husband and I have never spoken ill of my step-son's mom, even though is is COMPLETELY INSANE and thinks that being his BFF is being a good mom (except that she has a hot temper and hits her kids when they are rude). I have consistently said, from Day 1, that I am not trying to be his mom. I have only tried to provide stability and healthy alternatives in his life. Not that he says thank you. Instead, he has grown up from a spoiled, angry little boy into a manipulative, lying, pot-smoking jerk who pits his parents against each other to get his way. He never takes responsibility for himself; he is ungrateful and disrespectful. I have worked so hard to find the right balance of providing a safe, peaceful, positive home for him, without undermining his mother, and trying to respect their relationship no matter how screwed up it is. I am tired of being disrespected and thrown under the bus for my efforts. I have a biological son now (he is 5), and at the end of the day, even if we have had a problem, we sort it out and there is still so much love and tenderness. My step-son and I have no love or tenderness. Some of that I take responsibility for; in not wanting to compete with his mom, and wanting to respect their relationship, I have been afraid to get too close. But I have done a lot to take care of him, and he has never even so much as showed appreciation. And his mother might say thanks every once in a while for something I do, but then she turns around and makes fun of me with him. Because I cook healthy food, and I went to graduate school. She's making fun of me for that, while she feeds him 7-11 hot dogs for breakfast and buys him cigarettes? And do I get to say anything about that? NO. Nobody can tell her anything. I am tired of being made to feel like a piece of garbage. My husband hates dealing with her, so he basically avoids all confrontation and lets her walk all over him in process. 10 years and it's no better. What do I do?

Jennifer - posted on 10/27/2013

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So, I have a question I need some advice about. My 12 yr. old step daughter posted some horrible things about my husband and me on her "secret" instagram acct at the beginning of the week. Yesterday, we picked her and the son up to go see a movie. She was being overly nice as if she wete sucking up because she knew that we were aware of what she posted. Now then, my question is, why would a manipulative 12 yr old girl treat her dad like her boyfriend in the movie theater by feeding him popcorn, laying her head on his shoulder, putting her hand on his leg, she at this point has made him uncomfortable..she says"I just love you Daddy"
batting her eyes at him..then when my husband makes her stop because s

Jay_me - posted on 10/23/2013

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Ugh, I am not married to my SO but we just bought a house. I have 2 children 14 and 17. He has 2 children 4 and 7 which he has full time. They only see their mother 3 weekends of the month through the school year and every other week during the summer. She is worthless and doesn't take them when she should. I feel terrible because I loooong for the weekends to get her just so the boys go away. I feel terrible that I feel this way. The 7yr old isn't bad, he is a typical kid. I can deal with him. The 4yr old, he makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning or come home. Because of our schedules I get them ready in the am take them to the sitters, the I pick them up in the afternoon after work. I feel like a live in baby sitter. I am to the point that I think the 4yr old might be a touch ADD or ADHD. He knows what he can and can't do. He is not allowed to jump on the furniture. We will catch him, he will get in trouble and 2 minutes later, he will do the same thing. When asked, are you allowed to do that, he says no. On the way home from the sitter one day, he dug dirt out of the bottom of his sneakers and decided to make art work on my cloth seats in my new car. He plays with my roof lights after getting in the car. He's been in trouble for that. I fear one day, I won't notice and my battery will drain, Sometimes he will point it out and say, someone left your light on. Yes, you little ***** you did. At the sitters, she has a kitten, he threw a blanket on it and started jumping on it. Just days before, we got a kitten, he is no longer allowed to touch ours at all till he learns how to be with animals. When no one is around (or he thinks) he will sneak up on it, chase it, shove his face in its face. And lying, he LIES about everything. Every time you try to correct him, he will stare at you and smile. UGH It is so rude, I will yell, don't smile at me, this isn't a joke. He does the same to his father pretty much. He knows there are things not allowed with us and when he is with his mom or grandmother, or they are around, he will revert to what he does with them. With them, he will cry until he gets what he wants. With us, he knows there is no point, it doesn't work. At supper time he will ask for something, and we give it to him. If he sees someone else has something, he will not want his anymore and want theirs. He use to just grab it from their plate.We don't allow him to get anything else until he finishes all of what he originally asked for. With is gram and mom, he will cry till he does get what he wants. And there is no personal space. I will be in the kitchen cooking. He can't entertain himself with toys, a game, tv, ANYTHING. He literally follows me everywhere. I feel terrible but he drives me completely insane.

Angie - posted on 10/21/2013

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BRAVO!!! Finally someone who shares the same grief and agony! I am also a stepmom of 3 ( for 9 years so far) with 4 children of my own. When I married my husband, our lil' ones were still in diapers and pullups....wow it just seems like yesterday, now they are middle and high school ages. We live in a small community, in which I call, "Peyton Place". To make a very, very long story short, my husbands ex-wife/bio-mom/adulterer/etc. has made my life a living hell, playing mind games with her kids, lying to the community about me, not recognizing my kids as having any connection with hers, even though I raise them more than she does, oh goodness can I go on!! I am a big girl BUT when my own kids are being emotionally damaged by this woman, I draw the line!! I feel like throwing in the towel at this point and telling her and my husband to jump off a cliff ( together)! I am fed up with him being insecure about ..."who is the best parent, over compensating for his kids, and not being fair to my kids ( who cannot help that they live with us ( him) 24/7! My kids are held to a much strickter standard, as he is far more leinient with his kids...let's just say the same crime does not have the same punishment, and now my kids resent my husband and so do I! They are treated with less attention, asked to do more chores, and do not material things bought for them every other day ( oh, btw.....his children get the same "royal" treatment at their mom's, it's almost sickening to me AND my kids just have to suck it up.....soooooo tired of all this, at the point of moving out and protecting my own children....any advice?

Maria - posted on 09/19/2013

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I am a step mom or like I like to call it, a bonus mom. I have been a bonus mom for 4 years know. I have two bonus sons and they are really great kids but can't help but rebel when they come back from there moms when they visit every other weekend. When I first married she would want my husband NOT to bring me around for kids events she would actually put the kids in the middle and ask them if they wanted me to attend. We started going to a counselor and she made it clear to me that just because there mom says bad things about me doesn't mean the boys are telling her this. If mom questions them they have no choose but to agree with her to keep her happy. It's been hard but I try to understand her as well. She has never made an attempt to talk to me. Which for as a mother my self . I have a 6 year old with my husband. I would like to know who my child is being raised by. When's I meet the boys they weren't in any organized sports and they never knew exactly when they would see there mom and my husband and I made it legal visitations. Had to take her to court but this way its a little more stability for them. There mom is a little more involved or she likes to say she is. She gets them everyother weekend and she only see's them on that Sunday because they go back to school Monday and the other days her jobs makes it complicated for her. Which means if she had them full time they would always be with babysitters she wouldn't be there to practices, help with home work or even making sure shower and brushing teeth. My husband and I are able to be home with them we work the hours they are in school. My husband didn't ask for child support because he was hopefull that between them they could figure it out but nope 3 years later and no help from her. She barely has cloths for them at her house which they complain because she takes them to school every other Monday. Story can go on and on about her but I just want to know how I can handle the kids not being appreciative for all that I do? I will do anything for them I recently contacted her and she wasn't rude but she thought that I had no interest talking to her and honestly no I didn't she had nothing good to say about me to my husband and she would also tell the boys that my husband and I daughter was not there full sister so they didn't have to be nice to her. I wanted no drama all I was concerned about is keeping the kids happy and safe. But I see that it put the kids a stress full environment when they around both moms and it really hurts me so I decided to make the move. No kids don't call me mom I'm just simply Maria to them so she can't say I'm tryung

Amanda - posted on 09/16/2013

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Im only 5 yrs older then my oldest stepson so him and his brother have no respect for me at all im the one at the hospital during surgery im the one at football games I bought both there first cars with my income alone I plan the family vacations I cook clean wash laundry and after a break up or a emotional punishment from there father im the one there to hug them and a shoulder to cry on yet i get told your not my mother i dont need to do what you say and when i do tell them something they compleatly ignore me and go to there dad there is two boys a girl they are all under our custody and i have two children with there dad who also live in the house im not about to have my kids act like hithens and when i say my kids i mean all 5 of them there mom never has anything to do with them im the only mom they have yet still no respect. Luckly my husbend helps me and realizes whats going on he doesnt always agree but he does demand them to respect me.

Kajesa - posted on 09/14/2013

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Amen!!!! But to answer your question about being a "mom," its not just the DNA, it is about who is the care giver, nurturer, etc. But according to my kids' counselor, no matter how bad their bio mom has been to them or what they have done to them, they will always be mom. and they will always love mom. They hurt because of what mom has done to them and now new step mom is taking over her job. Doesn't do the things that mom did or do things how mom did. I know its VERY hard not to take it personal, or let it hurt your feelings, been there done that, I have 5 step kids, so I'm sure everything you've been through, I'm pretty sure I've been through. Good luck and don't give up, they need you, they just don't know it yet..

Kajesa - posted on 09/14/2013

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I am a step mom of 5 kids, 3 with one mom and 2 with another mom. You have said EVERYTHING perfectly!!!!!! The mom of the 3 girls are very thankful for me and knows that her daughters are being taken care of very well by me. The mom of the other two kids, a boy and girl, hates me, thinks its my fault why my husband left and all the blame is on me. So naturally she has filled their heads with all the crap and they came into the picture hating me. But they seen for themselves that I'm NOT what their mother told them I was. My husband is not a man to take kids away from their mothers, but both of these mothers chose drugs and men over their kids. All his kids were placed with us because they couldn't be mothers and take care of their kids. YES!!! Being a step mom is the hardest job EVER!!!!!! The younger kids go to their mothers ever other weekend and when they come back, they have behavior issues because of what she does to them, says to them, and then we deal with the fall out . All the kids love me, I'm glad I don't have that problem, but there is nothing easy about this job at all!!!! Moms should be THANKFUL of the step moms who do love their kids and take on the job of taking care of them because they couldn't , made wrong choices or divorce. Whatever the case is, they should be grateful that another woman is taking her time, love , energy, etc. to take care of their kids too along with everything else they have to do. OH! Another thing, PAY YOUR CHILD SUPPORT TO THE FATHER!!!!!!!!! It's amazing that when the shoe is on the other foot, the mothers expect child support every month. But when the table is turned, um do you not feel that you should take care of YOUR kids?!?!?! Really!?!?! Both mothers have not paid one red cent to us and we have had the girls for going on 4 years, and the other 2 we are going on a year and a half, no help or money from their mother!!!! Pathetic!!!!!

Lady - posted on 09/08/2013

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AMEN sister!!! I'm a step-mom too as well as a 'real Mom' (whatever that is suppose to mean) After all cooking meals, washing clothes, nursing kids back to health when sick, cleaning up their puck while their dad is out of town till you get violently ill yourself, drying their tears while both their parents are constantly unavailable to take care of them. So you quit your job and close the doors to your sucessful business so you can be there for these children because you love them and hate to think of them being alone since 'real mom' is a narcisistic alcoholic who abandoned them at the ages of two and four and dad travels across the country frequently for work.......only to be told that you are not a family, and things were better before you came into the picture......that's about as real as it gets. Question for the group.....isn't a mom the one that nurtures the kids, cares for them, and loves them on a daily basis? Or is being a mom all about the donation of DNA. Is the definition of Mom now reduced to just being an egg donor.

Stephanie - posted on 09/05/2013

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OMG! ILOVE YOU! I am in the same boat and feel the same way! I have only been a step-parent for almost 4 years, but I take care of our child all the time, I have him all summer because I work from home and can, I do all the same things you do, I have even tried to connect with his mom and talk to her letting her know I DO NOT want to take her place at all. I am in love with my husband and married him for him NOT for the kids. When I asked her if we could meet up and chat she flipped out, and cused me out saying our relationship will never last and that I am just a piece of ass..... Help. She is always trying to make me out to be a bad guy, but I treat our son the same as I treat our daughter (mine and my husbands). I bend over backwords for my children and that will never change. How do you get through?

Tricia Renee - posted on 08/23/2013

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I have dated my boyfriend now husband for 6 years and his girls were nothing but trouble to me I don't know what i did i tried everything to get them to stop they got their mom threatened me over a lot of things that is not true at all there dad believed them so he and I had a problem I tried leaving him 12 times because of his girls But he kept unpacking my bags telling me i should stay. years went on we decided to get married he said that might changed his girls minds will it didn't one year later things were getting really bad there soon to be step dad they called dad but caused him trouble as will they decided to tell there dad that they didn't want him as a father only because when they lied about me when they bashed me online they said they didn't when i had proff that they did the father said to them they are not allowed here any more...she blamed me for it and when she asked to come down that she was sorry for what she said he asked her why did she say that and she said that she didnt want me there because she thinks i hate her when i don't infact i went out of my way to get everything she ever wanted and take her places and i thought we were getting close when she was using me. come to find out a few days ago she has ODD and there is no meds for that problem so I told my husband that i will leave and he can have her here and he said no that i am staying he has not contacted her at all. when i told him to because she is going to blame me. He still is not going to do it he said. it is hard to be married in to a family when you got his sister that is around my age that hates me and i have no clue why we were best friends but she wanted us to brake up for some reason. she has schizophrenia and i am starting to think my husbands child does to along with ODD I just don't know what to do i am so unhappy.

Kate - posted on 07/30/2013

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I think the best way to help the situation is to talk to the kid's mother calmly and rationally. My husband has a 7 year old daughter. In the beginning of our relationship, his ex would say awful things about me so my step daughter would act distant towards me (especially in front of her mother). Once she realized that her daughter was being well taken care of and loved by me she stopped saying bad things about me. Since then things have completely changed with our relationship adn we get along famously now. Also, don't push the issue of them calling you mom. That can further divide things between you and their mother, and can make it uncomfortable and confusing for the kids. Let them call you whatever they're comfortable with. Try to sit down and talk with the mother. Explain to her that you are not trying to replace her as a mother, but just want to be another support system to her kids. Tread lightly, and try not to get defensive. You know how protective you are of your kids - and she is just as much about hers. I hope this works out for you.

Ndyanao - posted on 07/28/2013

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I'm a step mom of 2 boys and my husband and I have a daughter. there moms not only try to give me hell but try to install it in their kids its okay to act up with us. The way I was raise and the way my husband was raised are you totally different. We are bumping heads constantly. I tell the kids to do something and he will tell them different! If I say those aren't my kids I'm wrong but I can't treat them like my kids at all. I can't love on them. I do for them and our daughter and whatever I buy them I get complaints. I'm over it and its taking a toll on my marriage. we are in the 1st year and I just don't know what I can do. How can you love an care for kids like your own if your not allowed to?

Talona - posted on 06/30/2013

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I am a step mom of two wonderful boys. There biological mother wants nothing to do with them unless she wants and needs something. the yougest of the 2 is now 3 years old and I am the only mom he really knows. He has lived with my husband and I since we got him back from the state at a week old due to her saying that she would purposely land on her stomach 50 time to get "the little bastrd" out of her. When she does come around she expects him tocall me T and her mommy even though he barely knows her (by her own choice). The oldest, who is 7 now, choses to call me mommy.I have not forced it nor will I ever. Here is my thing though. This is my life, my family, and it was my choice to marry someone who already had kids. I knew it wasn't going to be easy and that problems will arise here and there.I don not, nor will I ever, think of my step kids as any less than mine. I love them as much as I love my biological children and nothing, not even God, can or will everchangs that. If they chose to stop calling me mom that is fine but it will be their choice and not someone else's choice for them. I will protect them with my life, love them for all eternity, care for them and nurture them. That is a moms job. It don't matter if youa step parent or biological parent when you take on a kid you make that oath to God to do you best forthe child!! Open you eyes people we all want the same thing what is best for our childen.

Rebecca - posted on 05/12/2013

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I have been dating a man now for about 2 years with a 6 yr old son. I have never had to take on such a task but became very fond of his child. His child has realized how important he is to me and considers me his other mother. He still calls me by my first name. I however have to deal with his evil jealous birth mother of talking bad about me when he is with her. I consistantly stick my ground and refuse to do the same. I would never try to take the spot of his mother yet try and do the best I can to put this child first and make sure he is loved. She is a few years younger and her ex husband my now boyfriend can never see eye to eye. She is a very controlling and manipulative person. She is constantly trying to make her son think what she wants him to think. Her parents too are very manipulative and mean spirited when they have the child. Myself and his father continue to tell our child he may have his own thoughts and if something is bothering him to tell us. He often communicates to us the things his mother and parents say and how it makes him feel bad. This has to be the most challenging thing I have ever had been apart of. She is consistantly late taking her child to school, having her parents pick him up and coming home each night after 8pm. She chooses her work over spending time with her son. His teacher has even communicated to myself and his father he is a different child when he stays with his mother. We have also been informed by the child she often has him sleep in her bed or she sleeps in his almost ever night. What in the heck do I do???

Leesa - posted on 04/08/2013

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Thanks Nicola, glad to see I'm not just being mean as my sd always tells us lol
I agree when I was 14 my parents wouldn't let me do something i wanted to do i was very upset with them but now yes I agree with them and when I'm telling my kids they can't do something i think god i sound like my dad lol but they were right ( mind u i would never tell dad that now) thanks for your advice and i hope everything works out with u and your family😄

Nicola Jane - posted on 04/07/2013

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Hi, Leesa and everyone else, sorry I haven't been around kids been off school and my partner so no time to myself lol, Leesa I think your totally right to say no to staying at her boyfriends, She will understand as she gets older, 14 is a tricky age they feel grown up, but don't know the world and what it holds at all, and thinking back to when I was that age, many many moons ago lol, my parents would say you can't do this or that and I would look at them and think they were just trying to ruin things, But you do realise they were right and respect them for that, it just takes time and a hell of a lot of patience on your part, which you seem to be doing very well, me well I don't know, I am still trying to figure out how to handle it all, and seem to be hitting a huge brick wall, anyway hope everyone is well, speak to you all real soon

Melissa - posted on 03/27/2013

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Your welcome Leesa :)

I am sure that she will be upset with you all in the beginning , but in the end she will understand, I have heard the teenage years are toughest, I am sure that I will be in your shoes soon. Since school holidays are coming up, I would see if you can come up with some kind of fun for you all to have , something to take her mind off of it, and maybe once she calms down it will be okay. Both of you two be sure to stand your ground as I said I am sure she will be mad, but things will be alright in the end :) Love will trump all the anger that she feels towards you afterwards.
Lot's of hugs to you all
Hang in there :)

Leesa - posted on 03/27/2013

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Melissa, thank you I'm glad to see I'm not the only mum who would say no to their daughter sleeping over at a boyfriends house. I must say her dad nearly had a fit when she asked him. It's hard because we don't want to lock her up and want her to have freedom and friends but its really scary to think what she will get up too if we let her. She is very stuborn and i just know she will be throwing a tantrum tonite when we tell her she can't but she doesn't seem to see we are only doing it for her own good not because we want to be mean. School holidays start today so I'm sure we are in for a fun time NOT. Thank you for your advice 😃

Melissa - posted on 03/27/2013

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Well My daughter is not at that age yet, but will be 13 in a couple of months. Honestly if she came up to me and asked if she could stay at a boys house I would have to say no . You trust her and that is a great thing, but like you said you never know what could happen. Peer pressure comes to mind on this one, he could be like "well everyone else is doing it "
I would find a way for you and her dad to have a talk first and see how it goes , tell him your fears, most dads have that fear also. But for me if it were my daughters I would say a big NO !!! She may get mad at you all in the end but, it would be better than the alternative of her ending up in a compromising position to where she feels she has to have sex with him, and always the chance of pregnancy . I will send some prayers for you all for strength and patience while you talk with one another and her. Keep us posted

Leesa - posted on 03/26/2013

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Hey ladies, just wanting some advice. My 14 year old step daughter has just asked
Me and her father if she is allow to sleep over at her 16 year old boyfriends house?????
She has told me she isn't ready for sex yet and to trust her but omg what do we do. I dont want her to do something stupid and end up pregnant
HELP she is generally a good girl but acts like a normal teenager but this one scares me what do we do any help and suggestions would be great

Mariah - posted on 03/25/2013

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Oh and Sometimes men need a push to grow some balls lol.. They want to be a nice guy but there's a difference between that and being walked on. Glad our partners are to that point! Sounds like we've helped them with that. What's right is right and some things just are not our problem and its not fair to make it your problem...

Mariah - posted on 03/25/2013

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Nicola, glad to see you put your foot down. I'm kind of in a similar situation. We give, give, give, and still get talked down to like we are scum when my bf has full custody. Like others have said, if she can't make her children a priority, that's her problem and they will see that eventually.. You can only do so much and after a few years, now that's how it is in our household- we will no longer be treated like crap when we do so much and the BM is a crazed deadbeat. I always think of the movie "hope floats" where the mother always relays the bad news about the father to the girl ex: " he can't come today" etc... Eventually the PARENT can tell them- can't expect you to be the bearer of bad news because their priorities aren't straight . It is their problem not yours . They can tell the child themselves.Hang in there I wish you the best. This site is so wonderful. And I DEF would not like her coming in cooking for the family. No way, it's her problem the situation is in. I recently had a similar issue and set it straight, and I'm glad ur partner stood up and said something as well :)) partnership is where it's at! ;)

Barbara - posted on 03/24/2013

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At fourteen she wants birth control? How about abstinence? What the hell are parents thinking about at this stage of life than letting fourteen year old girls engage in sexual activity? Gracious god, this is obscene! I have a fifteen year old daughter and despite the many issues we have (and we do have quite an assortment of problems) sexual activity thank heaven isn't one of them. My daughter can't seem to get most of her homework done, is failing three classes in 9th grade, threatening to drop-out of high school, has overdosed on ibuprofen twice (we are currently in family therapy), demanded this morning that I 'emancipate her'. Seems to me somebody should be grounded, all privileges removed beyond just the ipod and the cell phone and specific ground rules be put in place to save both mom and dad and the daughter the threat of pregnancy, but far worse, the threat of STD's that could compromise her health. I'm at a total loss, kids want all of the 'fringe benefits' of adult life but don't want to accept any of the responsibilities that come attached to those freedoms. Mom and Dad need to get real, real fast.

Mina - posted on 03/24/2013

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Every 14yr old is different. You have to tailor your parenting to your situation. I think she needs birth control. And I don't like needles either, but it's not like she has to get 1 everyday.

Nicole - posted on 05/21/2011

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I love every minute of being a step mom there are alot of stressful times at the moment our stepdaughter isnt speaking to us and that of course is all my fault not to mention she was doing everything in her power yo ensure that her dad and i separated, we also have two boys and at the end of the day when the kids are with us they are treated no differently than the bio children being a step mum is hard but i wouldnt change it for the world.

Brittany - posted on 11/19/2010

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Being a step mom and a bio mom I try to understand why some bio moms can be so spiteful towards step mom. My son (ss) loves me immensely, I am his world and he is mine. I think it is this relationship that bothers bio mom. I think she would feel better if me and our son had a good loving relationship that was not a son-mom relationship, but the reality is that we do have a son-mom bond. As a bio mom myself I can see how that would bother her, I would hate the idea of having to share my bio son (bad enough I already have to share my other son). In the end you should not pay much attention to what bio mom says, since much of it comes from how good of a mother you are. Unfortunately both men and women think that giving birth to a child entitles you to automatic parenthood, but it takes being there through it all that makes a real Mom and Dad. I try to ignore negative comments and just raise my son the best way I know how and know that he will grow up to be a loving and caring man because of it. As for bio mom I truly hope that one day we can have an adult conversation about our son, but until then we do our thing and she does hers.

Julie - posted on 04/30/2010

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Being a step mom for 19 years was really hard depends on their mom she made it worse never appreciated anything still close with my stepdaughter am separated from their dad for over 2 yrs due to domestic violence he is now best friends practically with his 1st wife after she put him n me thru hell courts playin visitation games etc,.but i always loved them like my own never take it out on them not their fault they're in the step kid position ya know theyre innocent but it was hard they repeated well my stepson tried causing problems between all of us sometimes it worked i did have fun and tried making their weekends fun as well now i am a step grandma time flies lifetheir is short ya know try just to be there for them no matter what their mom was always scared they would call me mom i never tried taking her place they never called me mom it was ok ya know they wanted to but not allowed it worked out ok i am not bitter it was challenging and rewarding have 2 other children ages 18 now and 15 my stepkids r in their mid 20's they were in my life first like i said make arrangements to do fun things together and give them their time alone as well with their dad

Tarita - posted on 04/24/2010

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I can totally relate. I'm a step-mom to 3 and have been for about 5 years now. Being a step mom is NOT easy, not at all. I totally agree about feeling like you do and pay for everything, that's how it feels sometimes here. My husband's son, moved out 2 1/2 years ago and barely talks to him. His mom and her family bribed/promised him something but in turn he blamed it all on me "the strick step-mom". At one point he even blamed me for their divorce and I was sort of going through my own divorce and didn't know his dad then. He even would say that Dad wasn't like this until he met you and all sort of allegations that hurt. We have worked our way through some of this. He also has 2 daughters: the 14 year old goes back and forth every week and the 11 year old lives with us full-time. The older daughter has ADHD & Bipolar and let me tell you that is not easy. She is very angry at her mom but won't tell her mom or talk to her. She has been in counseling (which of course we pay for) for 5 years now. She gets mad at her mom and takes it out on me, yelling, cursing, acting up, etc. It is so difficult and when she does this the other kids get upset too and sometimes my hubby gets angry at them. It can be extremely stressful. Why can't these kids accept that someone new in their lives loves them for who they are and realize just what we do for them?? I'm not trying to replace their real mom, I'm just asking for some repect and manners. Is that too much to ask in return for everything we do for them?? His girls do call me Mom but that was totally their choice. From the beginning I have told them to call me by my first name or something nice, but to have it come from their heart. They both call me Mom and my son calls my hubby, Dad.

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