Being a step mom is the hardest job ever!!

Catreal - posted on 04/14/2010 ( 365 moms have responded )

8

24

0

I have read many blogs on here from mothers who are worried about the stepmom getting in the way. Well I am a stepmom and have been one for 6 years now,and let me tell ya the job sucks. You don't know where your place is with the stepkids.Mine live with me half of there life,so when they are here I am just suppose to step back and do nothing according to some moms here! I can't do nothing for one I really love them as my own,and 2nd I do have my own children to and I don't want them to see the other two getting away with everything. I am not an evil stepmom.What I do for my kids I do for my stepkids also. I am sorry real moms but I think I should have a say in rasing my stepkids I pay for things they do,I buy their colthes,I get there hair cut.I take them to the doctor,I help them with there homework,I cook for them I wash their colthes.When their sick I take care of them. Isn't that all things a mom dose? I wish real moms could see how hard some of us stepmoms work at rasing your kids!! At the end of the day now matter how hard I work at rasing my step sons they will always love their mom more!! As that is the way it should be,but I just want alittle space in their heart,and I do not feel like my step kids love me at all. There real mom hates me,and won't even talk to me! I am sorry real moms but if I am helping rasing your kids I think you should talk to me,why not you know your ex-husband is not doing all the work with the kids so why not try and get along with the new wife. I wish real moms could just step back and look at the step mom as a helper.The kids know who their parents are,and they have enough love for many people in their life. I am just saying if you have a good woman who is trying to help you with your kids why do you have to hate her,because you think she took your place. I have an ex to and I work very hard to get along with him. Anyways real moms can you just give us step moms a break. Not all of us are bad!! And my step kids do not call me mom either...

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

365 Comments

View replies by

Mariah - posted on 03/25/2013

26

0

0

Nicola, glad to see you put your foot down. I'm kind of in a similar situation. We give, give, give, and still get talked down to like we are scum when my bf has full custody. Like others have said, if she can't make her children a priority, that's her problem and they will see that eventually.. You can only do so much and after a few years, now that's how it is in our household- we will no longer be treated like crap when we do so much and the BM is a crazed deadbeat. I always think of the movie "hope floats" where the mother always relays the bad news about the father to the girl ex: " he can't come today" etc... Eventually the PARENT can tell them- can't expect you to be the bearer of bad news because their priorities aren't straight . It is their problem not yours . They can tell the child themselves.Hang in there I wish you the best. This site is so wonderful. And I DEF would not like her coming in cooking for the family. No way, it's her problem the situation is in. I recently had a similar issue and set it straight, and I'm glad ur partner stood up and said something as well :)) partnership is where it's at! ;)

Barbara - posted on 03/24/2013

12

0

0

At fourteen she wants birth control? How about abstinence? What the hell are parents thinking about at this stage of life than letting fourteen year old girls engage in sexual activity? Gracious god, this is obscene! I have a fifteen year old daughter and despite the many issues we have (and we do have quite an assortment of problems) sexual activity thank heaven isn't one of them. My daughter can't seem to get most of her homework done, is failing three classes in 9th grade, threatening to drop-out of high school, has overdosed on ibuprofen twice (we are currently in family therapy), demanded this morning that I 'emancipate her'. Seems to me somebody should be grounded, all privileges removed beyond just the ipod and the cell phone and specific ground rules be put in place to save both mom and dad and the daughter the threat of pregnancy, but far worse, the threat of STD's that could compromise her health. I'm at a total loss, kids want all of the 'fringe benefits' of adult life but don't want to accept any of the responsibilities that come attached to those freedoms. Mom and Dad need to get real, real fast.

Mina - posted on 03/24/2013

13

42

0

Every 14yr old is different. You have to tailor your parenting to your situation. I think she needs birth control. And I don't like needles either, but it's not like she has to get 1 everyday.

[deleted account]

Please ladies help me!!! My sd who i love dearly is the most disrespectly little brat today. Shes 14 and is starting to get the biggest attitude problem. We had to take her ipad and phone off her today so now shes sulking like a 2 year old. She asked us today if she could sleep over at her boyfriends house WTF i surpose we should be thankful she asked and not just did it but because we said NO WAY she thinks we don't trust her no its just we don't want to bring up another baby. I have spoken to her about birth control and told her that getting the needle would be a good idea but she said no u can't make me ( shes scared of needles) but the pill wouldn't work cause she is too irresponsible to even do her homework so i can't see her taking the pill properly. If it were up to me she would never have birth control as shes too young but all her friends are sexually active and i feel its the safest thing to do. I spoke to her mother today and she agrees what do u guys think is 14 to young to take birth control or is it the most responsible thing to do. I love her to bits but shes pushing all our buttons at the moment 😁

Mina - posted on 03/21/2013

13

42

0

Hey Nicola!
Good job putting your foot down! It seems to me that it's the both of them taking advantage of your kindness. He shouldn't leave it up to you to clean up HIS mess with HIS ex! And although I'm not a stepmom, I can definitely vouch for the good ones. My kids, just like your step kids, have been blessed with a great stepmom. And now she's one of my closest friends. My ex husband and I had been through the "I hate you" phase, and had already grown to have a very close friendship by the time he met her. And our family is big into roughhousing and being silly. So the day he brought her to my house for the first time first time, my ex had me in a headlock (yes we're real mature), and she jumped right in to help me! Just like it was 2nd nature! She fit right in. Its a lot easier to parent with 3 parents instead of 2. And my kids love her, and wouldn't dare disrespect her. She, like you, is a good parent to children that she didn't give birth to. And I'm glad that my kids aren't the only lucky ones. Kudos to you!!!

[deleted account]

So true melissa, my 3 step daughters were told me and their father didnt want anything to do with them for years as their mother left the state with them an changed her number but now their older they know their mother made up lies and now the 14 year old lives with us full time and hates her mother an doesn't even want to visit her which is the bio mums fault for acting the way she did in the first place so yes when their young if they get feed crap they will eventually figure it out and realise it was all lies. Just because u dont have full custody of your daughters means nothing an i would never judge u for that, I'm sure their dad is taking great care of them an its fantastic that he doesn't turn them against u and that he would never not let u see them he sounds like one of the grown up parents an alot of other parents could learn from him, life is too short kids grow up way to fast.

[deleted account]

Good for you nicole, so great to see you tell her where to go she has no right throwing her weight around like she did. She should really be grateful considering its u who is bringing up her children an also about time your partner put his foot down too good on him cause if he doesn't she will think she can get away with being a cow. LOL about the flowers bet she hated that but u know what maybe if she treated her kids better they would be giving her flowers and wanting to spend time with her. She has brought it all on herself really. Just goes to show u that u are doing a great job with the kids and they love u a lot, hope things keep getting better for u :) xx

Melissa - posted on 03/21/2013

99

0

10

Way to go Nicola :)
One thing is certain that I have learned and it is very true that after a while the children really do see what is going on. The part that is the worst is what they are shown to believe or to be the truth , at that time and age they are impressionable and will only be told half truths but eventually they will see it all and realize that things are not what they seemed to be . Luckily I have not had that happen with my daughters at all , their father told me once in a letter , it had to do with me getting them for summers and such( please don't judge me , but I am a non custodial mom , to much detail to go into , but my daughters are not with me ) that he would never keep them away from me cause I am their mother :) I had once mentioned to him that I was afraid that I would have every thing ready for when they come to spend the month we me and hubby in July, but that somehow it would be taken away, that is where his response of I won't keep you from them you are their mother :) So like I said this has not happened to me where my children are poisoned against me, but the older they get the more they see the real things :) Hang in their ladies :)

Nicola Jane - posted on 03/21/2013

8

0

0

Hey Melissa, and Leesa, well he wanted me to sort it out so I did, she came up yesterday, and I told her straight, don't ever say to my SD that when we are alone I beat her because I really don't like it and if she wants to carry on coming to my home to wise up, and she said sorry she was only joking, I told her thats not a joke and I won't put up with it, she was rather quiet after that, my Step son went out lol, the whole time she was here, my partner came home, and she was saying she couldn't get the bus back that she only had fare one way, and I nearly died when he said well you best not leave it to late you don't want to be walking in the dark then went upstairs and had a bath, he said to me yesterday morning, he is not defending her, he used too because that was what he always did, but he said he's not helping anymore, and he said to me I know you think I still care about her, but I don't, let her screw up herself the kids will soon see it for themselves, my stepson already has, he has no time at all for her, and the little one seems to be going that way, when she said I was taking her to get her ears pierced, and her mum said she'd take her she said no Nikki is taking me, I was a little mean, I had flowers on the side and she was saying oh have you two rowed, whats he done now, and I in all fairness told the truth, and said no the kids bought me them for mothers day, hmm lets just say the face she pulled was not a good look for her, I am so glad I found this site, you have both helped me so much, just letting me ramble, I just hope I can return the help hugs to you both.

[deleted account]

Nicola, I'm sorry but i think your partner needs to grow a pair and HE is the one to sort out his shit with the ex not u, they are the ones that made the kids so they should deal with it and tell him u an him are together now and if wants it to stay this way then the EX will not be coming to your house pretending its hers cooking an stuff oh my god i thought my bf had no balls until i read this their is no way his ex would coming to my home, cooking dinner or for that matter having family get togethers Christmas etc. if she is a alcoholic an cant have the kids at her home then that's her problem tell your partner to let her know shes no longer welcome and to go clean up her act and start acting like a mother. I'm sorry to read about your daughter being poisoned against you by her dad, in that respect I've been lucky as my kids dad an i get on fine an i have always had my kids with me they have had my partner as a father figure for the last 10 years so they really wouldn't want to go live with their dad anyway an he is not a nasty person nor am i. I don't want to offend u in anyway but if u want it to work u need to tell him its his problem not yours an to grow a pair tell her where to go or your gone, i hope I helped a bit and good luck :)

Melissa - posted on 03/20/2013

99

0

10

Morning Nicola and Leesa
Leesa I am happy that you liked my response to you. I hope you find a way to continue to be strong :) Nicola Sounds like you have been through a lot . You sound like a wonderful lady as well. Sounds like he should have given you more attention. I am not sure what was going on in his mind , but regardless of what he says about not wanting to do the same things with you or for you that he did for her , he should have, to me that would have shown you that he loved and cared for you. Sorry to hear about the way that you were taken out of your daughters life , I know that hurt you as well. Stay strong :) Will write you more soon
Hugs

Nicola Jane - posted on 03/20/2013

8

0

0

Hi Melissa, hey Leesa, what you said is amazing, It is a wonderful thing for both you and the chil;dren you get on, a bit like Leesa I have to deal with the fact she is an alcoholic, she has come into my home and spilt her drink everywhere, even her daughters room, I clean it up, he says nothing, she text him last week to borrow money he said he didn't lend her any, but he only told me this morning, because we were talking about the fact I wasn't happy with her coming to my home and cooking for the kids etc, and also when she was here trying to get the girl to say I beat her up, she lives with an idiot and is not allowed the kids there, he says he has to be accommodating to her because he doesn't let her have them, but she has done all this herself, he said I have to sort things out with her he is not getting involved, but if it was the other way round I would not allow my ex to speak to him like that, I too am a bio mum, my daughter is now 21, and yeah I do try she came over Christmas eve, I made it their day even cooked Christmas dinner for her and the kids, make sure they got her Mothers day and Birthday presents for her, I'm not saying I'm perfect far from it I can be a moody mare at times, but every problem we have had I have got it in the neck, when she turns up unannounced he will say well you weren't going anywhere whats the harm, or like I said I didn't really want her cooking in my home, it's always the same response, well what harm will it do, we have been together just over a year, and have never even had a night out, not one, yet he told me they were always out, but the first year with them they had no kids or ties, he used to buy her everything, gold the lot, but said he doesn't have to make that effort with me, because he knows I love him for him, not for what he can give me, I am not trying to be a marter or anything, but he will say when I mention anything, well you wouldn't want me doing the same things I did with her, does that mean I get and do nothing because they were together 10 years and I would imagine not much left to do they didn't do, he has told me, no more kids, yet he took her back about 2 years before we met and she was pregnant with another mans child and was going to bring it up as his own, that child would have been 2 now why was he willing to bring up another mans kid but will not have one with me, but I accepted that he doesn't want anymore, my ex took my daughter when she was 11 poisoned everything about me to her, to the point she told everyone I was dead, I would have loved my own child but I have given that idea up, I am 40 so I do feel too old now lol, he also said he would never marry me because of his past, yet he got engaged to her and bought her three engagement rings because she sold the others, he also got engaged to the woman he was seeing before me, she was moving from another country, but he said he only did it because she had to come over on a fiancee visa, but like I tried to say, he would have HAD to marry her if it had worked, but he just says he's glad it didn't and he had a lucky escape, I feel like I am being punished all the time, yet she can do what she likes, he said it's not like that, I can't explain how I feel, I gave up my own coffee shop, and left everything behind for him, I just don't know what to do, talking with him just gets his back up, he says I have to sort things with her myself as he if fed up with being in the middle, I can't even explain how I feel properly, I am a published author, I work at the kids school, but I feel to low to do anything at the moment and I hate that.

[deleted account]

Melissa, thank you for your kind words and advice i truly appreciate it life is hard sometimes but like u said if i dont show her I'm jealous she might finally give up and move on. The thing that annoys me the most is she seems to think because my bf does everything she saids he still cares and the funny thing is he only does it so he can see his kids and be in their life because whatever she saids goes an if not she threatens to cut him out of their life. And even with a court order in place she still does it and gets away with it so now we just go along with it, talk when we have to an ignore her whenever we can thank u again for your helpfully and kind words :)

Melissa - posted on 03/19/2013

99

0

10

I understand where you are coming from Leesa, I too am both as well :) I am sorry to hear of the troubles that you have faced . I guess being that I am both that I hope that all of us can eventually meet in the middle. Sorry to hear that you all have to deal with a jealous ex, until she finds someone steady in her life she may never truly be happy. Sounds like she needs someone to take up her time . Hopefully that can happen for her soon, so that you all can live a happy healthy life with your children and his daughter. I wish I had more to say that was helpful. My best advice love him and his daughter with all your heart, and it may be hard but try and not let her see that is gets to you . A lot of the times an ex may continue to do that cause they know it will cause a fight, don't let that happen and cause trouble for you and your man , it is obvious that you love him or else you would have been gone a long time ago. Each situation is different , I pray that you have the strength to hang onto the life you have with your man .

[deleted account]

Hi, your post was really great advice but i must say u must be one of the lucky ones. I am both a bio mum an step mum an believe me a thanks from the bio mum would be great but i have never received one an i have been their step mum for over 10 years. We all get on for the sake of the kids but in my case their is the jealousy thing only because me an my man have had a steady relationship for the past 10 years an the bio mum has not had a steady relationship at all in that time an the fact she thinks she can ring an ask advice an talk when ever she wants dont get me wrong if it was about the kids that's fine but 9 times out of 10 its not. She tries to cause trouble whenever she can an has always used their kids against their father both financially and emotionally she has even gone to the point of making one of her daughters ring their father an tell him they didn't want anything to do with him so her mother would take her shopping an buy her what she wanted, she even took them out of his life for 4 years an we didn't even know where they were an when it didnt work out she contacted us an all of a sudden we are welcome to see them when ever we want even to the point one of my sd lives with us full time now cause she couldn't handle her (shes 14) so as u can see u are one lucky lady to have a normal bio/ step mum for your kids some of us have to deal with crazy bitches :)

Melissa - posted on 03/19/2013

99

0

10

I joined this group probably over a month or so ago . I have read many many of the posts on here , all of them seem geared towards bio vs step moms . It seems to me that the bio moms are getting the same grief as a non custodial mother gets. All I have seen so far is that most step moms seem to think that the Bio mom is jealous cause she is no longer with the father of her children, for some that may be true, but then there are others that are not jealous of their ex's new love. It is said that bio moms are total witches, again for some that may be the case, and for others it is not . Same for step moms some may be horrible and others may not be . It can all go any direction . My children have a good relationship with their step mom, she takes them out and spends time with them, and she shows them love as well. I feel lucky in that area cause I know that she cares for them. I have told her many times thank you for loving my daughters and treating them as your own. So does that make me one of the bad bio moms or one of the good bio moms ? I see it as being one of the good ones, I have no ill will or bad feelings towards her at all, she took on that role of her own will and I am happy that she is the way she is with my daughters. I may not get responses from her , but she has also told me that she would share photos with me and things about the girls anytime that I ask her :)
I am happy to see that my ex husband is in a wonderful relationship with his new wife, and is happy. I too remarried to a wonderful man , and we are very happy. He treats my daughters as if they are his own as well, much in the same way that their step moms treats them as her own. So far I am not one of the jealous bio moms that I read about in a lot of these posts. My thinking is that if both parents have remarried happily and all parties involved are truly in love with their new husband or wife then there would be no room for either party to feel jealous towards their ex spouses . So think about it for a minute or two if you are happy and in love and things are going great with you , and the party that you consider to be jealous is also happy and in love then where does the jealousy come into play ? So I guess all I am saying is that if everyone is as in love and happy in their marriages with one another then no one should really be feeling jealous of their new spouses wife or husband . I am sure that some will read this and say that I am so not saying what I feel, or that I am lying , but no one knows me well enough to say that. For me I am truly happy and my ex is truly happy with his new wife in the same way that I am with my new husband . Meaning we are all living our lives the way that we want them to be taking care of our children and our spouses so their is not time for us to be jealous . I hope that one day that bio moms and step moms will eventually build a relationship with one another, one that involves the well being of the children in the relationship , one that will insure that they are happy and headed down the right road in life. If we all spent more time thinking of the children and our loves in our lives then there would be no step mom vs bio mom , or bad bio moms vs bad step moms , we are all labeled in someway by society and that is something that we all have to adjust to on our own, cause only we know our true selves and who we are and what we are about .

Nicola Jane - posted on 03/19/2013

8

0

0

Leesa it is the hardest thing to do, pretend she doesn't exist i do it too, then they reappear , we all get on so well when she is out the picture kids are happier too, hang in there Im hoping it gets better lol hope your having a good day

[deleted account]

Jennie, no of course not u didnt ofend me at all and yes his kids are like their mother they only want something to do with their dad when he can buy them things. Just like their mother my bf is only good for financial help. He had a really bad work accident 2 years ago an has had 5 operations since on his back an legs an we are hoping that workcover will offer a payout soon as he can't work again an he's only 36, its been really hard on me and my 3 kids with the ops an also his depression an all his kids think about is when dad gets a payout he can buy us this an my kids have not once mentioned it my kids have been brought up to not want things but his kids and the bio mom all they do is think off possessions an what they can get. We have 1 of his daughters living with us full time now an shes not as bad as shes like her dad but the other 2 are unbelievable. Thank u for your advice an please stay intouch

[deleted account]

Thank u yes it does help, i too think well shes the ex for a reason but i still hate feeling jealous i try to concentrate on my 3 beautiful kids and my 3 beautiful stepkids and try to pretend like she doesn't exist which is hard. Thank u an yes i would love to stay in touch its always easier to talk to someone who knows what it's like

Nicola Jane - posted on 03/18/2013

8

0

0

Hey Leesa, yeah I have the jealousy thing, I think it is because they have children together it feels like she has a hold on him somehow, and it is all down to our own insecurities, my past has left me very insecure and seeing them laughing and joking when I first moved up really got my back up, he told me he did really love her at first but she destroyed it all over the 10 years with her cheating, I have thought long about it and I think she had it in her head he would jump when she said anything and made me feel I would always be second to her cause they had kids, but it isn't like that, I can't change the fact she is their mother, however, I did tell her to her face where the kids are concerned it was between her and him, but where my partner is concerned he is with me now and I will step in if she starts anything, I do still feel insecure at times, I think it is a woman thing, what I try when I feel that way, is think to myself if she is an ex for a reason, and if he is with me now, if he wanted her he would be with her, and he isn't she lost out I gained my partner actually said to me, he would rather an ordinary looking girl with a beautiful personality, than a super model who was a bitch, I know it's corny but it is the person you are not what you look like that matters. and trust me my partner has told me he is nice to her face, he knows whats going on with her drinking etc, cause she rambles off to him, and being nice and joking makes her spill all that, but inside he honestly doesn't really give a damn, as long as she does nothing to hurt the children, he often says to me let her think what she likes when I have said she thinks he would drop it all for her, he said she is only deluding herself, he gets the info he needs end of story, hope that helps and I hope we can stay in touch it is nice having someone in the same boat

Barbara - posted on 03/18/2013

153

0

19

I'm sure that being a step mom is a tough job. The fact of the matter is, it's a job that was taken on WILLINGLY and presumably with eyes wide open. If you thought your new love, hubby was going to back you up once the wedding was over, think again. There is a reason why some of these relationships don't work out and it isn't all the dad'd fault or the mom's fault it's usually a combination issue. When kids are involved the relationship becomes that much more complex because of the frustration between the X's, different parenting styles and X-wives who can think of nothing better to do that make HIS new wife miserable. He's the pawn in this game and I'd throw all of the crap his X dishes out directly in his lap. I haven't read some of the posts here, but I've read many - my advice: Stop complaining about how difficult 'being a step mom' is, and just set ground rules with all parties: X-wife, hubby and the kids (assuming they are old enough to understand). You aren't a servant or a 'temporary' baby-sitter, make it clear, make the consequences understandable, implement the consequences immediately as soon as the ground rules are broken by whomever, and STOP BEING A VICTIM! Get over it, you signed up for it.
If you REALLY want a thankless job, become a foster mom - THAT is the HARDEST

Jennie - posted on 03/18/2013

10

0

0

Leesa, i didn't mean to offend you in my last post if I did. I apologize for that. I was only speaking from my own experience. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, and we were apart for 18 yrs. In that time, he had 2 kids with this wretched woman who is significantly younger and she is horrible. Every time my husband calls the kids, I get so irked by it. His kids only want him around when he has money to spend on them Now the bio mom won't even allow him to talk to the kids over the phone. My husband's mother took the ex wife's side in the divorce, and wants nothing to do with us; she is very well to do financially too. So she showers my step kids with lavish gifts and they don't want to lose that, even though they know the truth about how their mother is. They don't want to disappoint her and the rich grandma so they've completely cut off my husband. His ex wife, her family, and even my husband's family don't want him in his kids' lives, they all just want him to be financially obligated. We're dealing with this whole court thing and it has us both so stressed out. I can't say that I have to worry about him ever going back to the ex because she's a cow! LOL I may be a little chubby, but THAT part I don't have to worry about. The worse she gets with her attitude, the uglier she gets physically and I didn't think that was possible with her, but OMG! I can say I know for sure that I am exactly what my husband wants. The only bad part of this whole situation is the daughter. She's 11 and THINKS not acts, but thinks she's all grown up. She has the opportunity to have a relationship with her bio dad and only wants him to take advantage of him. My father passed away in 97, and we lost my youngest daughter's(9) father to cancer 4 years ago. My oldest daughter didn't grow up with her bio dad and it just sickens me and pisses me off so bad because my stepdaughter couldn't give 2 s**ts about her own father whom she is able to have in her life! I just want to shake her and wake her a** up! I get so frustrated with her. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure she stole my cell phone 3 weeks ago. She had been saying how badly she wanted that phone, it was my husband's old Android. I had it in the car, and when we went to drop his kids off, it was gone and she was acting strange and nervous. We haven't seen her since. She's been known to steal before. When I noticed my phone missing, my husband's first instinct was to call her and ask if she "accidentally" picked it up. Of course, no one wants to believe their own child would steal, but she's been caught a couple times. Hell, she stole make up from Victoria's Secret and had the nerve to leave the packaging in the car for me to find later. I questioned my husband about it and he said, she had probably stolen it. I'm so upset, and I know my husband is at the point where he's ready to just walk away, but he doesn't want to give up on his kids. It just stresses him out so bad, and he physically becomes ill. I only have HIS best interest at heart and I want what's best for him and OUR relationship. I know it may sound selfish, but I can't and won't stand by and watch his kids walk all over him. I feel bad for saying this, but is it wrong for me to wish the ex wife would just take the kids and move out of state to where my husband's family is? They've talked about it previously, so it's nothing new. But a big part of me just wants them to go away if all they're going to do is cause him grief and heartache.

[deleted account]

Nicola, Thank you heaps for all of your advice u sound like u have it all together
More than me and very smart, i have one quick question do u feel insecure and jealous of the bio mum like they have kids so maybe he might want to go back i get the jealously thing all the time an i dont know how to drop it. She the complete opposite of me an beautiful an i feel so insecure around her an i try not too but it upsets me when she rings even though i know it shouldn't it starts driving me insane. Even though my bf tells me all the time he wants no one but me any suggestions how to stop the green eyed monster it pisses me that she thinks he still cares about her but he only is nice to her so he can see his kids which she has held over his head for years

Nicola Jane - posted on 03/17/2013

8

0

0

Hi Leesa,
I don't think marriage is the answer to it either, I had two bad marriages, swore I wouldn't bother with men again lol, but hey life's weird for sure, she visited Saturday one hour she was here, saying about some bloke she's meeting up with, another one, but this is all said in front of her daughter, and as uninterested as I try to sound she keeps going, my stepson went to work with his dad so he didn't have to see her, little one was telling her we are getting her hair cut and ears pierced soon, and I got the glare lol, but she insisted it was me who took her even after I said why don't you go with your mum, she was saying no I want you to take me, her mum asked her for a kiss and she looked at me and rolled her eyes, I said nothing but she said to her " What you looking at her for I'm your Mum" I can't win it is blatantly obvious she is doing it all herself, but I think she thinks I am turning them against her, but everyone and this is no joke everybody I have met since being here family and friends, say it is all her doing even her own friends have told my partner this in the past, her daughter and I play tickle, but she took that the total wrong way and was saying in front of me "So when no one is around just you two she beats you up" her daughter said no, but she went on to say she didn't believe her, I was not happy but didn't say a word because I don't want arguing in front of the children, I told my partner who actually in all fairness shocked me by saying, don't worry about it, let her try she will lose everything and be made to look a bloody fool, what I think made her do it was she is on benefits which they stopped so she said she was refused for a loan because the kids don't live with her, I think she is plotting to try to get the little one, because after she left her daughter got on the sofa and cuddled next to me and said "I'm not going anywhere" so I asked what she meant "She said with her, I'm not living with her, I'm staying with you cause I love you lots and lots" I told her she's not going going anywhere not to worry, brought a lump to my throat, so I just put on a DVD and cuddled her up and let the matter drop, but it is so hard, to just not say anything, like I said before I work at their school as well, and the little one runs across the playground and leaps at me at lunchtime lol, she is hurting them and messing with especially the little ones head and I can't do anything about it, the boy I can honestly say is mine, he will tell anyone I'm his Mum not her, but she really screwed him up, the girl was to young at the time, but he remembers everything, anyway i'm waffling, please feel free to have a rant if you need to anytime, it's may help having someone else to moan to thank you again Leesa

[deleted account]

Also forgot to add he has asked me to marry him also but i don't think we need
A piece of paper to prove anything so its not the security thing
Thanks

[deleted account]

Hi, can anyone help me with some advice. I have been with my bf for 10 years an he has 3 kids with a real bitch he does anything she asks him for the kids of course but i know this sounds really bad but how do I get over being insecure an jealous of his ex. She puts her noise in our bussiness and rings my bf all the time for advice which most of the time has nothing to do with the kids. My bf also had a work accident and is on tablets that mess with his sex drive an makes me feel like i dont do anything for him anymore an because his ex is blonde/ big boobs like every man usually wants i feel so plain an ugly near her an am really starting to hate myself. My 3 sd are beautiful girls who i love very much an we get on fine but i can't stop feeling like this even though he has told me hundreds of times he wants no one but me. I know its my problem an i dont know how to get over it
Any advice would be great thanks

[deleted account]

Hey, yes like u i have thought about walking away too but my 3 kids have been with my bf since my youngest was 2 an shes now 13 so its hard for sure. I'm sure if my ex rang to talk about the kids 5 times a day my bf would be the first to get the shits, and its always the step mum who does everything cooking washing looking after someone elses kid an most of the time their own kids too an we dont get any credit for it. When my 2 other sds come to visit i have 6 to look after while my bf does nothing really but wonders way i dont want them visiting often, and the thanks u get from the bio mum for looking after her kids is zero so i understand we're your coming from an it sucks

Nicola Jane - posted on 03/16/2013

8

0

0

Thanks Leesa you sound so similar to me, it is so frustrating everyone has told me even him ironically it would be better if she moved away and didn't bother she never even turned up at the court case when she wanted overnights though the court refused it due to her drinking and living with an idiot, gave him full rights and dropped it all, he said he feels sorry for her, but maybe i'm hard but its her own doing, she said on one visit she was his third child, which makes me think she expects him to take care of her too, if she has no money she phoned him he said no after i said I would rather not our money is to support the children not her, then went out at midnight to get money for drink, got hit by a bloke and her money taken off her so she phoned my partner, who wouldn't answer the phone that time of night, but next day she told him, he did say it's nothing to do with me, your living with someone else now, but then flips and will let her do what she likes other times she gets away with speaking to him like rubbish, i never said any thing before he said it was just banter, so I told him no its not and not in front of the children, I will tell her next time, I don't speak to you like that, so she is not doing it, sometimes I think about just walking but I know it would destroy my stepson.

[deleted account]

Thank you so much for your advice it helped a lot. Yes the insecurity i have is an issue an yes i have got the your only the god thing before but to be honest he has asked me to marry him quiet a few times its me that I dont think being married makes much difference an if it were up to me i would just go to the court house an be done with it. I don't want the whole white wedding i never have. I have 3 kids of my own an my bf has been in their life since they were young, we now have one of his daughters living with us full time an she is a good kid, she calls me mum (mind u i have never told her to she asked an i told her its up to u) her mother told her the other nite her door is closed an she is never welcome to live with her again so u can see what type of person I'm dealing with as far as I'm concerned i could never say that to my kids but even after all this my sd still talks to her when she rings an finishes with i love u too which drives me mad. I understand I'm not her bio mum but her bio mum doesn't deserve her love or time thank u again for your advice i really appreciate it
:)

[deleted account]

Nicola, hi I'm in the same situation only i have know an been in my 3 sd lives for the last
11 years an trust me it never gets any better. My bf always is on her side for the kids
Sake (of course) the bio mum can do no wrong she wraps him around her little finger, guilting him into anything for the kids sake. I have 3 kids myself who have grown up with my bf an we now have one of my sd living with us full time an believe me its hell sometimes, the jealousy gets to me i know they have to talk because of the kids but she try's as hard as she can to come between us. We have been together for 10 years an she hasn't had a stable relationship since my bf. it's hard an doesnt get any better sorry i haven't been much help

Nicola Jane - posted on 03/15/2013

8

0

0

I have been a stepmom for just over a year boy 10 girl 7, they are wonderful kids I must say, always telling me they love me ect, however when I moved in with their father, the boy was always in trouble at school had no respect for women due to his mum's constant drinking and arguing with their dad, he now tells everyone im his mum not her, his teachers comment on how much his attitude has changed in school, and how much he is improving, the problem I have is she comes to see the kids whenever she likes , just texts to let us know, 90% of the time she is a no show when she does show up she creeps round the 7 year old girl and obviously she wants to see her mum but I feel taken for granted where she is concerned, my partner lets her get away with every thing he says it's "keeping the peace" and it's good for them to get on for the kids sake, which I do agree with with, but for example she has only seen them for two hours in the last seven weeks, I do everything as he works, she never has money to phone and will text to speak to them and I phone her off my mobile and let the girl speak to her, the boy never wants to unless his dad insists he does, but he seems to accept every excuse she comes up with and says things like well she hasn't seen them for a few weeks, my response is well who's fault's that she lives in the same town, he says its for the kids but like I have tried pointing out he never says well they haven't seen their mum it's alway seems he is doing it for her benefit not theirs, we argue a lot only over her, like mothers day, I didn't want anything but he made a point of remembering her and then suddenly remembered about me the night before and stopped at a roadside to get the kids to get flowers, his family all tell me she is a waste of space and was cheating on him constantly from before the 10 year old was born and how I was made for him, and they haven't seen the kids this happy, but he seems to just bow down to everything always defending or making excuses for her, he said he had been doing it for ten years and it was hard to get out of, when their birthdays come round she has to be centre of attention gushing the i'm their mum card and im left in the shadows even though I bake the birthday cakes do the food etc, sometimes she will even just turn up unannounced, and constantly I have stayed home when she said she was coming up and she never showed, with no text or anything, still im in the wrong because this annoys me, she treated him like dirt I know this form more people than just him, but he says its in the past, and his past is nothing to do with me, I dont know what to do or where to turn as I feel I am expected to let her do as she likes when she likes, just to keep the peace, this is my home, and sometimes I feel I don't belong in it, I even work at their school now attend parents evenings, but I am still below her, I know I am not their real mum don't get me wrong, but I love them and their dad to bits, but I know in the last seven weeks she has had money for drinks to me seeing the kids should be more important but when I mentioned that and said to him, I bet she managed to get a drink in the last few weeks though, he will say "well I don't know" or if I say once in seven weeks isn't good it is affecting the little one, he wwill say " maybe she has no money always an excuse but he says they are not excuses and he's not defending her, he has told me he did love her, but she ruined it over time, I dont want to lose him or the children, she brags about her kids on facebook the lot, I don't have an account I have been told, im just so frustrated because I cant talk to him about her, he gets annoyed and we row and it ends up my fault, or he makes excuses helpppppp

Jennie - posted on 03/15/2013

10

0

0

Leesa: It's very understandable you have those feelings of jealousy(I wouldn't exactly call them that) more insecurities than anything. They have children together, and you 2 don't. As for the constant phone conversations; I had to break my husband of that before we got married. He would call his ex wife for EVERYTHING. I flat out told him one day, "Soon you will see her for her true colors, and she has already turned on you. She will use EVERYTHING you tell her against you. If you want her to stop, then you have to limit the conversations with her to only those concerning the kids." I explained to him that it wasn't healthy for our relationship and he was still allowing her to have power and control in his life. Then the day came, she really turned on him. She reinforced an original court order for child support knowing he made significantly less in wages. So we in turn had to hire an attorney. This was a few months ago and nothing has been resolved; except for the amount of information he gives his ex wife. Now everything is through the attorneys. But then yesterday happened. I posted here on 2/26 about the current situation. Well yesterday finally came to a head and the head popped. My husband was having a conversation with his son and for some reason, the ex wanted to talk to my husband. It was only supposed to be about his kids' sports schedules and it led to WW3. She started in on him about how angry their daughter is with him because we found out a few months ago that MY oldest daughter(19) is also HIS firstborn. We were high school sweethearts that reunited after 18yrs. Well his 11yr apparently feels completely omitted from his life and tells her mother that her dad made her feel like she doesn't even exist to him. All because he posted on FB something about how he feels so blessed that everything is falling into place and he is so happy to have found out about his oldest daughter. She's making us grandparents this summer so that's what the whole hoopla's about. Well his 11yr old always feels she has to be the center of attention and she's a serious drama queen. Anything for the EX wife to feed on, she will. She's like a scavenger. Anything that's already dead and buried, she'll dig it up and make it stink! My best advise, Leesa, just sit him down and explain how uncomfortable it makes you feel about the phone convos with the ex. Use soothing words and don't be afraid to tell him that you feel insecure. Tell him that you're worried of the outcome because you don't have kids together and you feel she still has a hold on him because of the children they have together. I am the world's most awesome Mom, according to my 9 year old daughter, but it has been the biggest struggle being Step Mom. If I didn't have to, believe me, I wouldn't. But my husband is so worth every bit of it; I am willing to stand by him and fight the battle against the ex. And besides, I keep looking forward to the day his 11 year old turns 18. Just remember that; they do grow up and move out. Maybe you need a little more commitment from him??? Could that be part of the insecurity? If a woman doesn't have a ring on her finger and she's facing what we all as Moms or Step Moms have to face, then sometimes it becomes an issue. Just knowing that he has had a family, and you were not part of it, that's enough right there to send stress levels sky rocketing. If you and your BF have been together for 10yrs and still aren't married, to the EX and to his kids, you are still just the GF, not the wife, not the Step mom, the girlfriend. I've already dealt with that. I could be wrong, but I'm just speaking from experience. I hope it gets better for you Leesa.

[deleted account]

I have kind off a ok relationship with my stepkids mum, but she is a
Real bitch and every other word u can think off. She has always used her daughters
To get my bf to do what she wants guilt him into anything an used the excuse its for the kids,
Emotionally and financially. My 14 year old sd came to live with us a couple years ago
An now more than anything she buts into our daily life every chance she gets even though she rang an said she doesn't want anything to do with her daughter an she is never welcome back at her house to live. For example she rang 5 times yesterday an once today to ask my bf advice which most off the time has nothing to do with the kids. She has not had a steady relationship since she broke up with my bf an we have been together ever since, which is over 10 years so my question to u ladies is i dont want to sound like a baby but how do I stop myself feeling jealous of her an their constant phone conversations?
I don't want to say anything to my bf cause then it just starts a fight any advice welcome
Thanks

Wendy - posted on 03/14/2013

5

0

0

Catreal, I totally agree with your post and I am in the same situation. I am both a MOM first and then a Step Mom. I think a pycholisgist would also agree with us! When a Mom does not set decipline and rules for children consistantly then its a huge problem. If my son has rules then everyone else does to. Step children will also follow the same rules. How can a mother allow her children to fight with each other all the time. (hitting, name calling, out of control with behavior, etc...) I have two full grown daughter and I did not raise them like this. When the school teacher's also let you know your child is inatentive in class then that means there is an issue.

Bottom line is Bio Mom's that have issue's with Stepmom's that can't appreciate the help being provided with homework, cooking, washing clothes, brushing teeth, etc.... then they are the one dealing with inscurities, jeaoulsy issues and haven't move on! They can't accept the fact that ex-husband move on and the children like the new StepParent. We don't give it the time and day as a discussion in our daily life to discuss such petty issues that ex-wife turns into war war 11 (literally). Bio mom's should start reading the bible on anger issues, it is discussed there to help cope with your Anger and help you have peace in you heart.

Thank goodness I have never been that pycho Biomom with my ex. It's such an embarressment to be behaving/carring yourself in this manner. It's about the "CHILDREN" NOT YOU!
Stop using your children as messager and a tool to avenge what your imagining. When you make choices in the beinging, the grass is never greener on the other side. Own up to your choices!

Melissa - posted on 02/28/2013

99

0

10

Danielle

Your story gives me hope :) How long did it take for you and real mom to come to where you put your feelings aside of one another to focus on the children ? I am both a bio mom and step mom . I have tried for the longest to reach out to my 2 daughters step mom and she sent me a few pictures via facebook and email, but since then nothing . I have seen her by photo and once at my now husbands fathers funeral,other than that
I have not had conversations with her at all , I am about focusing on the girls rather than what she feels towards me or what I feel towards her. I have told her thank you several time for taking care of my girls and I really do mean it :) Like I said your story gives me hope for the future :)
Hope to hear a response from you
Melissa

Jennie - posted on 02/26/2013

10

0

0

Well this sucks! There was a horrible post on Facebook about my husband, me and our "irresponsible actions never ceasing to amaze some people"! It was awful! Not only did my husband's mother post something; the EX mother in law posted a threat to him and stated she would probably end up in jail if she saw him and that he only married me to secure a place to live! Now mind you, we've known one another for 25yrs, and we've been in love for a very long time. If my husband, then fiance', wanted to secure a place to live, he could've went to his boss for a place to rent. Hell, it would've been a lot cheaper than living in our house! LMAO It's just very upsetting to hear the EX mother in law still butting into his business. She has absolutely no right to an opinion when it comes to her EX son in law's marriage! I am completely outraged and beside myself right now! I just can't believe my husband's EX wife has stooped so low to tell her mother and MY mother in law a chock full of lies and fill their heads with such falseness and negativity! You would think if she were any kind of "real woman", she'd bow down gracefully and step the F*** back! Not her, oh no, she has done everything she possibly can to make my husband's life hell! She throws her fat a** around like she's Princess Hots**t and expects my husband to kiss her fat a**! Why? Because she has his kids??? BS! MY oldest daughter is HIS firstborn also, who is making us grandparents this summer. I know that just burns his EX's a**! lol That brought a smile to my face..lol I'm just sick and tired of everyone in his family and his EX's family thinking they have rights to control him and telling him what a mistake he's made, how stupid it was to get married, how disappointed they are...blah blah blah...his mother doesn't even acknowledge him, she's just a donor egg! But what really gets me is this miserable old hag of an EX mother in law thinking she has rights to voice her opinion and make threats! I know, I know, I have to take the good with the bad, but I DON'T have to take her s***!!! Thanks ladies for listening. This is THE BEST venting forum, and I'm happy I can share my emotions with a group who understands.

Brenda - posted on 02/26/2013

55

32

1

Well said and i really agree with every word you said. I two am a step mom to three kids who i love as my own. All three of them live with us full time. I do everything for them as i do for my four year old son. If there mom walked out of there lives today i would have no problem taking over. I already feel like i am more of a mother to them. I do feel my step kids love me, they tell me every day and let me in there life. I feel so lucky to have them in my life. When i talk about them i dont tell people they are my step kids because to me they are my kids. There mom and i have a ok relationship. She pisses me off because she is so irresponsible. Its like our rolls are reversed, Im the mother and she is the friend. I see what you are saying though, step moms get a bad rep. We get treated like we are evil and have no say in anything. All i can tell you is hang in there and keep doing what you are doing. your step kids are blessed to have you in there lives and so is your husband. Its hard being a mom but its even harder being step mom.

Danielle - posted on 02/24/2013

3

25

0

I couldn't agree more. As a "real mom" sharing my kids with their stepmom, I can tell you that it's not always easy between us, but we both decided long ago that our personal feelings are to be put aside and the focus is on the happiness of the children.

Arica - posted on 02/24/2013

34

14

0

Also, I was married for a short time while my children's father and I were apart, but am now recently divorced. I didn't have any children with my ex-husband. He didn't really discipline my children or get in the way of me doing it, but he would often accuse me of not doing it correctly, or the way he felt it should be done (no way in hell!), even though he had no children of his own and I felt he had no experience whatsoever being a parent. As a result, we often argued constantly, mostly over my 10-year-old because she's deaf, but also a handful. He always accused me of being "too soft on her". My children's real father was EXTREMELY jealous of my ex-husband as a result, especially since my daughters called my ex "daddy Robby". Of course my boyfriend is happy that my ex is out of the picture now.

Further, my brother has a teenage daughter from his ex-wife, and 2 sons from his current wife. His ex-wife is remarried, but my niece does not call her stepfather "dad" or her stepmother "mom". She calls them by their first names. She is, of course, very well-aware of who her real parents are. She does love her stepmother and my sister-in-law treats my niece like one of her own children. I don't know how the relationship between my niece and her stepfather is. But point being, I think it depends on the situation and the children's ages. Most children want their parents back together, and see a new stepmother or stepfather as a threat to their desire and attention.

Arica - posted on 02/24/2013

34

14

0

It's the jealousy factor. No mother wants to have another woman take their place raising their children, or having their children call another woman "mom". Trust me, been there, done that. My children's father was married to a woman who, of course, was my children's stepmother and at first, my daughters loved her and she would throw it in my face time and again "Your kids love me more than you!" and through anger, my children's father would say the same and yes it hurts like hell to be told that, and it only intensifies the jealousy. At one point she even tried getting my daughters to believe SHE was their real mom and I was "just a friend". It was horrible!

However, my situation has done a complete 180. My children's father and I are now back together, and I'm the stepmom of the 4 children he has with his ex-wife, and it has not been nearly as hard for me to be a mom to them as most stepmoms go through. I believe one reason for this is that all of the children have the same father, my boyfriend. (He and I were never married.) Secondly, his wife has NEVER done ANYTHING with or for her children, has shown no affection to them whatsoever, does not take care of them when they are sick or attend their school functions, NOTHING. She sits on her butt in front of her computer 24/7 and does not MOVE. My boyfriend and I do everything (mostly my boyfriend since we don't yet live together), and he is burned out. Their children are 8, 7, 3, and 2. The 8-year-old was very confused about me at first because she didn't understand why her 2 older sisters, my real daughters, had a different mom than she did, yet they had the same father, but now she understands more. Also, her real mom, my boyfriend's ex, used her as a spy and forced her to tell her EVERYTHING my boyfriend and I did. This woman did not treat her child like a child, only like a spy. She has never had any type of connection or bond with her children at all, and does not care. The 7-year-old is a boy and once he got to know me and saw for himself how much nicer I am than his real mother who does nothing but yell at him for no reason, shoves him and his sisters down, etc., he told his mother flat out "You're not my mom! Mom Arica is my mom!" I had NO influence in making these children say any of these things. They formed their opinions on their own. The 3-year-old took some time getting to know me, but now she does and she's a stinker but is comfortable with me. Now it's just a matter of getting the 2-year-old to know me, but it's a matter of patience. It took time, and the children saw for themselves that I treat them much better than their own mother does, and my own daughters have no problem sharing me with their half-siblings. My boyfriend has told me he has never seen his other children as happy as they are when he brings them with him to see me. He said his ex-wife made their lives hell, but now they are very happy with me and are always asking him when they can see me again. The 8-year-old literally cries when she can't see me. Her mother is constantly yelling at my boyfriend about the 8-year-old always wanting to see me. As a result, my boyfriend told his ex "You brought this on yourself. You never gave a damn about the kids, never wanted them, showed no affection for them, nothing! Arica has been more of a mother to the kids in a short time she and I have been together than you have since the days they were born! What the hell do you expect? She did not influence them in any way. The kids are not stupid. They know she treats them much better than you ever did." The children even call me "Mom Arica" and I have informed their teachers at school of this so that they know. I do discipline the children to help take the load off my boyfriend when he comes with them, and I take care of them so he can sit down and relax, something his ex-wife never did. To me, I no longer have 2 children, but 6, and I couldn't be happier. It's just dealing with my boyfriend's ex's BS jealousy which I strongly feel she has no place to have any because, as my boyfriend told her, she brought it on herself. I'm giving those children a true mother they never had.

Lakota - posted on 02/22/2013

710

0

192

Wendy, I know a lot of biomoms can be that way. It is very unfortunate. But, it is not the case with me. My sons don't say anything good or bad about their stepmom. The main reason is because they hardly see her or their father. I tried the family meeting. Welcomed her and my ex into my home, etc. I used to email them both about the boys and their accomplishments, etc. to involve them with their lives. I stopped a couple of years ago because they have no interest. My ex feeds his new wife with lies which makes her hate me which makes my ex stay away from his kids. He likes the drama and creates it. So, in some cases, it is actually the ex-husband that keeps stepmom and biomom at odds with each other.

Wendy - posted on 02/21/2013

5

0

0

Just remeber that when kids go back home with you (Bio Mom) kids tend to have one version of what really happens and until you really find out or investigate it through the father then it may not be always true. My own son tends to change his story at times and it has happened to me. So I always welcome a family meeting to set the truth straight. Just my own opinion. I know it may not always be so easy to do this, but it the best way. I talk from experience. I really feel kids try to play both sides. So SAD that my step daughter's mother won't even try to communicate with me. Instead she runs to her Lawyer like a child to supposedly say false accusations about my husband and I that are not true. What I've learned is that women act very imature and petty, you need to be an adult about things with common sense!! Emotional attatchment to ex's is not good, move on an be happy. As long as the children are happy that what really matters here. It about them not the bickering back and forth and who wins or getting offened about everything.

Lakota - posted on 02/21/2013

710

0

192

Most of the stepmoms on here sound wonderful. I wish my sons had one of you instead of the stepmonster he has. That being said..........................I still think being a single bio mom is the hardest. :)

Angie - posted on 02/21/2013

1

0

0

I agree 100 %

My boyfriend and i have a 3 month old baby , but i'm also blessed with a beutiful 5 year old Stepdaughter, has a stepmom i look after her has if she was my own daughter i clean, cook, wash look after her when she is sick and love her much. I think that we has parents need to look for the best interest of our kids ! ! !

Being a stepmom is the hardest non paid job ever ..... our Opinion doesnt count, our job is never appreciated. this is for all the "mom's " we dont want to take your kids away, we know they will never love us has much has they love you and most of all we will never take your place. the only thing we want is for them to be HAPPY .

Crystal - posted on 02/19/2013

44

10

0

Hello to all moms... Step and bio. I am both so this is not to offend anyone. I fall on both sides as many but..... let me break it down to bio moms first. Most of us are the main parent meaning the child spends more time home in our house. We do everything either by ourselves or with a husband or partner... I am protective of mine but because of history and whoever ends up there her dad will have to get use to it because I will not change my childs sturcture to make an adult feel comfortable about herself. NOW with that said my child is not disrespectful, very loving, and will speak up if she uncomfortable. The last ex felt she was disrespectful because she called her by her name and she wanted my daughter to call her mommy. I didn't see an issue with this because she as his fiance was NOT her mommy... Now I could see if it was in a disrespectful manner but I sat her( his fiance) and my daughter to make sure it was not disrespectful and that she knew that just because you plan to marry her dad does NOT make you her mom to come in and start to discipline her, tell her how to handle things in school or at my house. I felt this was needed because as her bio mom you don't step on my toes. Meaning until I know you as a person, you don't try and advise her on what to do in any situation. ME and her DAD are raising her. Now as a step you do have to be careful when it does come to discipline because if you cross the line it can and will affect you. Well this one crossed the line when she slapped my child. I almost when to jail but you better believe I pressed charges for assault on a minor. She is no longer going to marry her dad and she better not come near my child ever again... This is a big reason why the family courts have no choice but to remove the child from that environment once it gets to that level. If my child is disrespectful to her SM in the future I would expect her to handle it but also call an let me as well as her dad and let us know what course of action was taken. I understand children will lie and play the 2sides against each other too which is why EVERYONE must be on the same page. Get to know both sides before you marry somebody with children already because if there is drama before you than your presents will not change that. It can make it worse if there is mistrust or as in my situation a history of lots of women who think they are my childs mom and she don't know them from the next one off the streets. Now as a SM too I can very much understand that you are trying to figure out your place with reguards to his or her child, discipline, how to handle when things when the child is in your home. Well I can't say for everyones situation but I followed my own advise. When I met the love of my life both of us came with a child. I kept my child separate until I got to know him and once we were talking marriage it was time to sit down because I didn't see any drama but I wanted to be sure his child's mom was comfortable with me. If I was going to be around her daughter I felt that she should know me. I wasn't looking for approval but more of respect that if she ever felt I did something wrong, or needed to know anything when it came down to taking care of her daughter when with me, she could just pick up the phone and tell me. I came into the situation understanding that I have no rights to her child with reguards to the legal side of things and major decisions are left to her parents. Yea it can make you feel bad but being a bio mom I tell the all of his ex, fiances this. And as a SM you should be able to voice your concerns to hubby. I noticed that a lot of you are saying bio mom hates you, and won't even give you a chance. Reach out to her, ask her to meet you somewhere mutual just the two of you and talk. And also listen to her concerns as well, you may be suprised why she has not liked you all this time, or if she doesn't trust your hubby so how could she trust you not knowing you??? If you have tried to this than I applaud you and feel so bad for you. Just hold head up and take good care of your stepchildren or child like you would your own. There mom may act like and ass but you don't have to stoop down to her level and through your actions it can show your stepchildren how to handle a situation the right way. ONE thing we all as mothers have to understand and come to terms with is the child is first and we must protect our children at all cost and stop fighting each other.

Shay - posted on 02/19/2013

11

74

2

Respectfully I am a BIO MOM! Just not one running around saying im better then anyone who didnt conceive my child. I didnt say that as a step I was better then the BM just stated that at times my step parents or adopted parent was far more a parent then the BIO ONES who created me. Taking offense to that shows a lack of security in who you are as a parent. Sorry that you felt I insulted ALL BIO PARENTS! There but it is the truth whether you like it or not.

Wendy - posted on 02/18/2013

5

0

0

Hello, I am knew to this site. After reading your situation, I know I am not going mental crazy for thinking is it just me going through the exact thing you are. The only difference is my situation is about 1 year in only and it sounds and feels like I'm about to head down your road for until the children turn 18. Just the thought of having to deal with BM is on her jealousy issue's and false accusations through using her own children is amazing to me. I have read up on "Parent Allienation" and sounds like our situation just hard to prove, can't believe Mom taking this road on her own children. WOW! I never put my own children through this with my ex. BM has gone out of her way to use the children as messenger's (8,6 girls) for everything. Instead of addressing the issues with Dad or SM she report's it to her Lawyer and file's paper work in court. Sound like she hasn't admitted to herself she has communication issue's. BM is out to make us look like child abuser's. It's funny how BM doesn't make a big deal when I do all the thing all above you said you do. Your right about having to set structure and decipline when they are not your own children but they with not come over to be disrepectfull and not follow rules because BM is telling them not to listen to me. Can you believe she has a lot negative things to say when we haven't even met once, Only the evil eyes she gives me when I have walked the children out to meet her. I even smile at her and she can't even acknowledge a fake smile back in front of her own children. Sounds like this is the type of behvior she is teaching her own children. If all this things that she is claiming, a real good, honest mother would sit down like adults and discuss the issues that are really going own and work out a plan. Well BM Mom has stated "She wants me to stay out of it" which I find to be very imature and sounds more like she can't control her jealousy issues. Well I can take that road but then I have to explain to the children why I don't wash there clothes, why I can't help them with homework, why I can't brush their hair, why I can't bath them, Why I can't take them to the park, why I can't have a simple converstation with them because when they get picked up and on the way home the interigation begins because BM calls it "Let's have girl talk". Anyways I can go on and on but will stop here for now.

Anne - posted on 02/18/2013

24

0

0

Jennie

Congratulations to you, that is lovely :o) Yes that should be an eye opener for the kids, "no mummy and daddy isn't getting back together"

Yeah I hope it gets easier when they get older.

Catrina - posted on 02/17/2013

7

3

0

I can relate. I have been a stepmom for 7 years now. I have a stepdaughter who 15, a stepson who is 10 soon to be 11 and a son of my own who is also 10. It is by far a very difficult place to be. My stepson often disrespects me. He will yell and scream at me and call me names. It do not get the back up from my husband like I should. He gets away with eveything. My stepchildren live with us and visit their mom on the weekends. I found out that my step son treats his mother the same way and when his stepfather disciplines him he calls my husband and says that he's being mean. He does the something to me. He wil
Call my husband and say that I am being mean because I sent him to his room or I took gaming away for the day. My husband will than jump all over me for it. I feel that he is showing his son that it is ok to treat me that way and that he does not have to listen to me. My stepdaughter tries her best to help me she has even stood up for me because she knows what I have to go through. I can never catch a break. I can only hope and pray that when my stepson grows older, that things will start to get better. As for their mom, we do have our differences and she has realized that I am not here to take her place. I am another person who just loves them just as much and cares for them just like she does.

Jenell - posted on 02/17/2013

5

10

1

My boys have a step mom for about the same time and while yes she provides materialy through my ex husbands funds but she does the foot work none the less, she expects that to be grounds for respect. She treats my kids very poorly emotionally and puns there dad against them constantly. If they do something wrong she calls their dad and "tattles" then licks herself in her room until he gets home then they get an hour long lecture about what THEY did wrong, she has tried kissing my a** for a couple years now but bottom line us if my kids aren't happy neither is mom, and I sure as heck won't be taking her word over my kids! Especially when all I hear is how much kids exaggerate or lie about things. Never once have I heard an honest admittance and acceptance of wrong on either of their parts yet they lord over my kids heads like tyrants! My kids are so unhappy it breaks my heart! Their dad was never this person before Idk what she did to him but his kids aren't even on his list of importance other than for the "control " factor anymore! I really want to punch her in the face for hurting my kids like this! I am remarried as well and my kids have both said they have a better relationship with their step dad then they have with their own father. But if my current husband ever pulled any crap like that then we wouldn't be married cuz you can't repair a broken child! That's a one time shot. A step parent has a very important role but nit all know how to handle it. You can love them like your own but you have to respect that they have real parents. And while that may be hard to do , it's necessary. And you will gain far more respect from the kids and the other parent by doing that. A real parent won't rake your side if their children are unhappy.
In any case u do hope you guys figure out your situation. There is nothing harder than trying to deal with that and upset children. And never compare what you've been through to what your dealing with. Every situation is different.
Good luck.

Nicole - posted on 05/21/2011

0

0

2

I love every minute of being a step mom there are alot of stressful times at the moment our stepdaughter isnt speaking to us and that of course is all my fault not to mention she was doing everything in her power yo ensure that her dad and i separated, we also have two boys and at the end of the day when the kids are with us they are treated no differently than the bio children being a step mum is hard but i wouldnt change it for the world.

Brittany - posted on 11/19/2010

16

0

2

Being a step mom and a bio mom I try to understand why some bio moms can be so spiteful towards step mom. My son (ss) loves me immensely, I am his world and he is mine. I think it is this relationship that bothers bio mom. I think she would feel better if me and our son had a good loving relationship that was not a son-mom relationship, but the reality is that we do have a son-mom bond. As a bio mom myself I can see how that would bother her, I would hate the idea of having to share my bio son (bad enough I already have to share my other son). In the end you should not pay much attention to what bio mom says, since much of it comes from how good of a mother you are. Unfortunately both men and women think that giving birth to a child entitles you to automatic parenthood, but it takes being there through it all that makes a real Mom and Dad. I try to ignore negative comments and just raise my son the best way I know how and know that he will grow up to be a loving and caring man because of it. As for bio mom I truly hope that one day we can have an adult conversation about our son, but until then we do our thing and she does hers.

Julie - posted on 04/30/2010

3

3

0

Being a step mom for 19 years was really hard depends on their mom she made it worse never appreciated anything still close with my stepdaughter am separated from their dad for over 2 yrs due to domestic violence he is now best friends practically with his 1st wife after she put him n me thru hell courts playin visitation games etc,.but i always loved them like my own never take it out on them not their fault they're in the step kid position ya know theyre innocent but it was hard they repeated well my stepson tried causing problems between all of us sometimes it worked i did have fun and tried making their weekends fun as well now i am a step grandma time flies lifetheir is short ya know try just to be there for them no matter what their mom was always scared they would call me mom i never tried taking her place they never called me mom it was ok ya know they wanted to but not allowed it worked out ok i am not bitter it was challenging and rewarding have 2 other children ages 18 now and 15 my stepkids r in their mid 20's they were in my life first like i said make arrangements to do fun things together and give them their time alone as well with their dad

Tarita - posted on 04/24/2010

4

21

0

I can totally relate. I'm a step-mom to 3 and have been for about 5 years now. Being a step mom is NOT easy, not at all. I totally agree about feeling like you do and pay for everything, that's how it feels sometimes here. My husband's son, moved out 2 1/2 years ago and barely talks to him. His mom and her family bribed/promised him something but in turn he blamed it all on me "the strick step-mom". At one point he even blamed me for their divorce and I was sort of going through my own divorce and didn't know his dad then. He even would say that Dad wasn't like this until he met you and all sort of allegations that hurt. We have worked our way through some of this. He also has 2 daughters: the 14 year old goes back and forth every week and the 11 year old lives with us full-time. The older daughter has ADHD & Bipolar and let me tell you that is not easy. She is very angry at her mom but won't tell her mom or talk to her. She has been in counseling (which of course we pay for) for 5 years now. She gets mad at her mom and takes it out on me, yelling, cursing, acting up, etc. It is so difficult and when she does this the other kids get upset too and sometimes my hubby gets angry at them. It can be extremely stressful. Why can't these kids accept that someone new in their lives loves them for who they are and realize just what we do for them?? I'm not trying to replace their real mom, I'm just asking for some repect and manners. Is that too much to ask in return for everything we do for them?? His girls do call me Mom but that was totally their choice. From the beginning I have told them to call me by my first name or something nice, but to have it come from their heart. They both call me Mom and my son calls my hubby, Dad.

  1. 1
  2. 2
  3. 3
  4. 4
  5. 5
  6. 6
  7. ...
  8. 8
If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms