Being a step mom is the hardest job ever!!

Wendy - posted on 02/21/2013

Just remeber that when kids go back home with you (Bio Mom) kids tend to have one version of what really happens and until you really find out or investigate it through the father then it may not be always true. My own son tends to change his story at times and it has happened to me. So I always welcome a family meeting to set the truth straight. Just my own opinion. I know it may not always be so easy to do this, but it the best way. I talk from experience. I really feel kids try to play both sides. So SAD that my step daughter's mother won't even try to communicate with me. Instead she runs to her Lawyer like a child to supposedly say false accusations about my husband and I that are not true. What I've learned is that women act very imature and petty, you need to be an adult about things with common sense!! Emotional attatchment to ex's is not good, move on an be happy. As long as the children are happy that what really matters here. It about them not the bickering back and forth and who wins or getting offened about everything.

Lakota - posted on 02/21/2013

Most of the stepmoms on here sound wonderful. I wish my sons had one of you instead of the stepmonster he has. That being said..........................I still think being a single bio mom is the hardest. :)

Angie - posted on 02/21/2013

I agree 100 %

My boyfriend and i have a 3 month old baby , but i'm also blessed with a beutiful 5 year old Stepdaughter, has a stepmom i look after her has if she was my own daughter i clean, cook, wash look after her when she is sick and love her much. I think that we has parents need to look for the best interest of our kids ! ! !

Being a stepmom is the hardest non paid job ever ..... our Opinion doesnt count, our job is never appreciated. this is for all the "mom's " we dont want to take your kids away, we know they will never love us has much has they love you and most of all we will never take your place. the only thing we want is for them to be HAPPY .

Crystal - posted on 02/19/2013

Hello to all moms... Step and bio. I am both so this is not to offend anyone. I fall on both sides as many but..... let me break it down to bio moms first. Most of us are the main parent meaning the child spends more time home in our house. We do everything either by ourselves or with a husband or partner... I am protective of mine but because of history and whoever ends up there her dad will have to get use to it because I will not change my childs sturcture to make an adult feel comfortable about herself. NOW with that said my child is not disrespectful, very loving, and will speak up if she uncomfortable. The last ex felt she was disrespectful because she called her by her name and she wanted my daughter to call her mommy. I didn't see an issue with this because she as his fiance was NOT her mommy... Now I could see if it was in a disrespectful manner but I sat her( his fiance) and my daughter to make sure it was not disrespectful and that she knew that just because you plan to marry her dad does NOT make you her mom to come in and start to discipline her, tell her how to handle things in school or at my house. I felt this was needed because as her bio mom you don't step on my toes. Meaning until I know you as a person, you don't try and advise her on what to do in any situation. ME and her DAD are raising her. Now as a step you do have to be careful when it does come to discipline because if you cross the line it can and will affect you. Well this one crossed the line when she slapped my child. I almost when to jail but you better believe I pressed charges for assault on a minor. She is no longer going to marry her dad and she better not come near my child ever again... This is a big reason why the family courts have no choice but to remove the child from that environment once it gets to that level. If my child is disrespectful to her SM in the future I would expect her to handle it but also call an let me as well as her dad and let us know what course of action was taken. I understand children will lie and play the 2sides against each other too which is why EVERYONE must be on the same page. Get to know both sides before you marry somebody with children already because if there is drama before you than your presents will not change that. It can make it worse if there is mistrust or as in my situation a history of lots of women who think they are my childs mom and she don't know them from the next one off the streets. Now as a SM too I can very much understand that you are trying to figure out your place with reguards to his or her child, discipline, how to handle when things when the child is in your home. Well I can't say for everyones situation but I followed my own advise. When I met the love of my life both of us came with a child. I kept my child separate until I got to know him and once we were talking marriage it was time to sit down because I didn't see any drama but I wanted to be sure his child's mom was comfortable with me. If I was going to be around her daughter I felt that she should know me. I wasn't looking for approval but more of respect that if she ever felt I did something wrong, or needed to know anything when it came down to taking care of her daughter when with me, she could just pick up the phone and tell me. I came into the situation understanding that I have no rights to her child with reguards to the legal side of things and major decisions are left to her parents. Yea it can make you feel bad but being a bio mom I tell the all of his ex, fiances this. And as a SM you should be able to voice your concerns to hubby. I noticed that a lot of you are saying bio mom hates you, and won't even give you a chance. Reach out to her, ask her to meet you somewhere mutual just the two of you and talk. And also listen to her concerns as well, you may be suprised why she has not liked you all this time, or if she doesn't trust your hubby so how could she trust you not knowing you??? If you have tried to this than I applaud you and feel so bad for you. Just hold head up and take good care of your stepchildren or child like you would your own. There mom may act like and ass but you don't have to stoop down to her level and through your actions it can show your stepchildren how to handle a situation the right way. ONE thing we all as mothers have to understand and come to terms with is the child is first and we must protect our children at all cost and stop fighting each other.

Shay - posted on 02/19/2013

Respectfully I am a BIO MOM! Just not one running around saying im better then anyone who didnt conceive my child. I didnt say that as a step I was better then the BM just stated that at times my step parents or adopted parent was far more a parent then the BIO ONES who created me. Taking offense to that shows a lack of security in who you are as a parent. Sorry that you felt I insulted ALL BIO PARENTS! There but it is the truth whether you like it or not.

Wendy - posted on 02/18/2013

Hello, I am knew to this site. After reading your situation, I know I am not going mental crazy for thinking is it just me going through the exact thing you are. The only difference is my situation is about 1 year in only and it sounds and feels like I'm about to head down your road for until the children turn 18. Just the thought of having to deal with BM is on her jealousy issue's and false accusations through using her own children is amazing to me. I have read up on "Parent Allienation" and sounds like our situation just hard to prove, can't believe Mom taking this road on her own children. WOW! I never put my own children through this with my ex. BM has gone out of her way to use the children as messenger's (8,6 girls) for everything. Instead of addressing the issues with Dad or SM she report's it to her Lawyer and file's paper work in court. Sound like she hasn't admitted to herself she has communication issue's. BM is out to make us look like child abuser's. It's funny how BM doesn't make a big deal when I do all the thing all above you said you do. Your right about having to set structure and decipline when they are not your own children but they with not come over to be disrepectfull and not follow rules because BM is telling them not to listen to me. Can you believe she has a lot negative things to say when we haven't even met once, Only the evil eyes she gives me when I have walked the children out to meet her. I even smile at her and she can't even acknowledge a fake smile back in front of her own children. Sounds like this is the type of behvior she is teaching her own children. If all this things that she is claiming, a real good, honest mother would sit down like adults and discuss the issues that are really going own and work out a plan. Well BM Mom has stated "She wants me to stay out of it" which I find to be very imature and sounds more like she can't control her jealousy issues. Well I can take that road but then I have to explain to the children why I don't wash there clothes, why I can't help them with homework, why I can't brush their hair, why I can't bath them, Why I can't take them to the park, why I can't have a simple converstation with them because when they get picked up and on the way home the interigation begins because BM calls it "Let's have girl talk". Anyways I can go on and on but will stop here for now.

Anne - posted on 02/18/2013

Jennie

Congratulations to you, that is lovely :o) Yes that should be an eye opener for the kids, "no mummy and daddy isn't getting back together"

Yeah I hope it gets easier when they get older.

Catrina - posted on 02/17/2013

I can relate. I have been a stepmom for 7 years now. I have a stepdaughter who 15, a stepson who is 10 soon to be 11 and a son of my own who is also 10. It is by far a very difficult place to be. My stepson often disrespects me. He will yell and scream at me and call me names. It do not get the back up from my husband like I should. He gets away with eveything. My stepchildren live with us and visit their mom on the weekends. I found out that my step son treats his mother the same way and when his stepfather disciplines him he calls my husband and says that he's being mean. He does the something to me. He wil
Call my husband and say that I am being mean because I sent him to his room or I took gaming away for the day. My husband will than jump all over me for it. I feel that he is showing his son that it is ok to treat me that way and that he does not have to listen to me. My stepdaughter tries her best to help me she has even stood up for me because she knows what I have to go through. I can never catch a break. I can only hope and pray that when my stepson grows older, that things will start to get better. As for their mom, we do have our differences and she has realized that I am not here to take her place. I am another person who just loves them just as much and cares for them just like she does.

Jenell - posted on 02/17/2013

My boys have a step mom for about the same time and while yes she provides materialy through my ex husbands funds but she does the foot work none the less, she expects that to be grounds for respect. She treats my kids very poorly emotionally and puns there dad against them constantly. If they do something wrong she calls their dad and "tattles" then licks herself in her room until he gets home then they get an hour long lecture about what THEY did wrong, she has tried kissing my a** for a couple years now but bottom line us if my kids aren't happy neither is mom, and I sure as heck won't be taking her word over my kids! Especially when all I hear is how much kids exaggerate or lie about things. Never once have I heard an honest admittance and acceptance of wrong on either of their parts yet they lord over my kids heads like tyrants! My kids are so unhappy it breaks my heart! Their dad was never this person before Idk what she did to him but his kids aren't even on his list of importance other than for the "control " factor anymore! I really want to punch her in the face for hurting my kids like this! I am remarried as well and my kids have both said they have a better relationship with their step dad then they have with their own father. But if my current husband ever pulled any crap like that then we wouldn't be married cuz you can't repair a broken child! That's a one time shot. A step parent has a very important role but nit all know how to handle it. You can love them like your own but you have to respect that they have real parents. And while that may be hard to do , it's necessary. And you will gain far more respect from the kids and the other parent by doing that. A real parent won't rake your side if their children are unhappy.
In any case u do hope you guys figure out your situation. There is nothing harder than trying to deal with that and upset children. And never compare what you've been through to what your dealing with. Every situation is different.
Good luck.

Tammy - posted on 02/17/2013

I am a mother and I get along great with their step mom. I am very grateful that she loves my kids and takes such good care of them. We work together for the good of our boys. We may not alway agree but the boys know there are different rules at my house then at there dads and they need to follow all of them.

Crystal - posted on 02/17/2013

To all the SM here, I wish my child had one willing to talk to me and not think that just because she dated and married her dad within a couple of months that she automatically has a say, rights, etc... not all bio moms are bad either. That's why you should get to know a man, his family, and the baby mama if he has son cause once you seal the deal you are going to go through some things no matter what. If it's drama before you than you don't want it.....

Crystal - posted on 02/17/2013

Your stepson love you and please believe it even if they don't say it. Being both myself, I'm just sensitive that they do have a mother who is there. Yes there are certain situations that a SP just does not have a say but there are situations that you should. If bio mom hates you than that's her problem, just continue take care of you stepsons when you can. Hopefully she will come around sooner than later. But as a bio mom I can understand something's, I trust no one when it comes to mine but in time when I get to know whoever will be my child's stepmother, we will sit down regularly to make sure we are both on the same page. You should voice your concerns to hubby so he can at least try and talk to the bio mom. And maybe everyone can sit down and talk.

Stef - posted on 02/16/2013

People that take on other peoples children is a.hard task not.only are we trying to build a.happy healthy relationship.between stepmum and daughter we are also.fighting.the negative and.jealouse outcome of the ex it.isnt a good look, sometimes extremly frustrating, but at the same time biting our tongue and keeping bond healthy between mother and child, i support my steldaughters mum 100% but i get nothing ineturn and when the stepchild starts seeing that jealousy and negativity from the mum then the shit hits the fan and the kiddy winks start playing up its sooo hardddd !!!! Well done all you other stepmums stay proud mother instinct is nature , some have it, some havnt , and if youve got it flaunt !!!

Stef - posted on 02/16/2013

I totally agree, i have an 11 yr old stepdaughter, i do everything for her, we only have her weekends , term time and school holidays, so pretty much same amount of days the mother has, so much has been going on i.dont know what to do . I do so much for this girl, just recently, she came to ours for a week term time, and asked the mother to send extra clothing, so she did but the items didnt fit size 8-9 bearing in mind my stepdaughter is 11 nearly 12, so i put them in the bin and didnt think anything of it, she tried them on of course, so my sd txt her mum and said iv put those clothes in the bin as they didnt fit, well that was it the mother went ballistic, saying the skirt was too big in the waist so unless uv got really fat thats a joke!! Im not happy i wont be sending clothes again, i believe i have every right to protect my stepdaughter from such cruel words, and why would a mother say something like that, my sd quit often tells me.things e.g shes not been dentist.in over a year, she hardly ever gets her hair cut, if she asks for something when her mother goes shopping its always a no, if my stepdaughter asks me for something and i can afford it by all means i will try my best to get it, i paid out £600 for her 11 th birthday party which we had at home, theres no respect from the mother why not im doing her a.favour, she couldnt be bothered to even sort out her daughters hair when she had nits last week, soo me again goes shop pays £13 for a bottle of nit lotion 9pm at night and does it there and then , sti no thanks or anything its rude, she makes up lies about me to her daughter to make her not like me , i have the stepdaughter telling me she.doesnt trust her mum and she.doesnt like her mums boyfriend and she sends her in skanky.clothes because she says they are the clothes that her mum doesnt want to see her in because they are old, she tells me that her mum is always having ago at her and nearly every week.shes grounded, then you have the stepdaughter deleting messages so her mum doesnt get annoyed when shes asked her dad if she.can stay longer, its asif shes trying to please us both , but then the mother is txting my partner saying i twist things with the daughter and that i let my steldaughter take the blame for.putting.the clothes in the bin , when i didnt even know she had txt her mum and told her about the clothes i dont get it, whos causing the issues here please help me !!!!

Leesa - posted on 02/16/2013

Any suggestions on how to control a bratty selfish 14
Year old sd, she is a nite mare she wants to go out every week end
Is very immature and doesn't even pick up after herself like normal things like using a tissue instead of throwing it into the toilet like my own 3 do she just leaves it on the bathroom bench and takes for granted i will pick it up. She won't shower unless told too a hundred times, and when she does even though i wash everyday she will put her dirty undies back on and continue to wear them for 3 or 4 days???? Even when she has her period she will wear blood stained undies for days. We have spoken to her about this an she doesn't seem to care. She talks to her father like shit and swears at him and trashes her bedroom which I might add is also my daughters room if she isn't allowed to go out. And when she is here is locks herself in her room on Facebook. Every time she isn't allow to do what she wants she uses the well i might as well go back to bio mum then cause living with us sucks, yesterday she pulled this an her dad finally stood up an said no worries pack your bags an we will take u back but she hasn't gone yet an i dont know if she will but i know this sounds bad but i am starting to wish she would, before she arrived our life was stress free and my kids were happier me an my bf never fought but now she is her starting trouble I'm starting to resent her any ideas

Jennie - posted on 02/13/2013

Anne
We just got married yesterday!!! We are too happy! My husband actually got teary eyed during the ceremony! It was so sweet! We told his kids and the daughter was ecstatic! The son on the other hand kind of gave and "oh man" sigh. Yet he says he really likes me, so I think it's more of him being "Mommy's boy" and now he definitely knows for sure that they're not getting back together. I think it'll get easier once they get a little older.

Calisa - posted on 02/13/2013

I am a stepmom now for 5 years. My stepson has wanted to call mom and has done so for 5 years. He lives with us and I treat him as my own. Some of my new friends does not either know he is my stepson. His real mom is not in his life. However, today he decides to want to call me by my first name. This really hurt, but I know I know I should understand. It is hard though.

Anne - posted on 02/08/2013

Jennie

Yes I found back to my big love after 15 years and got married last year.
Oh my god what you have to put up with, makes my life sound easy, though my life is every day. I wish my step kids lived with their mother.
Some of their behaviour is so shocking as I am not used to it and like you, I think about my daughters and how I don't want their behaviour rubbing off on them. But if his kids can run around like mad kids why shouldn't mine, however my kids do say "god aren't they noisy" but I wonder if they say that as they have heard me say it as what little child don't want to run around having fun. But maybe they realise fun isn't running around in the house when they know they are not supposed to. We have brought our own kids up from birth, taught them right from wrong and given them so good values and morals.

Luckily your step kids are older and they probably will visit less and less as they become teenagers and want to hang with their friends. I so feel for you. This is what I am worried about, my step children as teenagers!
We are slipping further and further apart and no kisses or hugs any more.

Anne - posted on 02/08/2013

Shell
Thanks for this, I really need to be able to let this out. I don't know anyone that go
through the same so it is difficult to find someone that fully understands.

Shell don't you have any children of your own?

Yes I keep reminding myself that my husband is worth this and one day the kids will move from home, but it is a high price to pay for someone you love, but yes he is worth it.
It is really hard as we know we are better parents than the ex, but I find when the damage is done then it is difficult to change, not impossible but difficult and also because it is three steps forward then two step back due to their bio mum. However it used to be the other way around, but she has stopped drinking and seems better, though that does not make her a good mother.

The boy age ten saw a therapist a few years ago and also last year. He has also had private tutoring as he was very behind at school.
Kids are guided from they are born so it is difficult for me to change things especially with the ten year old. He can't do anything and is lazy so it is a struggle and shocking to see that he can't do basic stuff. Also the attitude is "it wasn't me" or " "I didn't do it, put it there etc" They simply don't feel any kind of responsibility and that is difficult to teach them as they are pretty old to not feel that.
Anyway I am taking my kids on a weeks
holiday, home visiting their grandparents, the step children are visiting their grandparents. Should be good with a whole week off.

Thanks again Shell and please vent to me. Better to get it out.

Yoshi - posted on 02/08/2013

Omg i wish i would have really got to know my step kids before i got married!!!! my step son isn't that bad but my step daughter makes me want to punch myself in the face!she doesn't listen to anything i say, and when ever i tell her something she runs to her dad and tries to get out of doing whatever i say! Seriously maybe its her age ( she is almost 3 ) but she is a total brat! she will not allow her self to be potty trained at mine and my husbands house but the moment she goes to my in laws house she is willing to be potty trained and will refuse her pacifier... i think she sees and understands that she goes back in forth between her moms house and our house so she tests what she can get away with. I do so much for this little girl even though she drives me crazy and is a total brat at times... I have no freaking idea what to do any more!!

best advice ever when thinking about becoming a step mom is to really truly get to know the kids before you decide to be a step mom! and really evaluate if you can deal with them for the rest of your life, because its hard to reject them after you thought you could deal with children that aren't yours!

Jennie - posted on 02/07/2013

Sounds like we're all on the "hate list" of ex's and bio moms. We don't see his kids as often anymore. The daughter has more social activities and the son, well he's still as rude as ever. I still get my hugs and "love you's" when we drop them off, though. My fiance', whom I've known for 25yrs and was my high school sweetheart, we reunited after 18yrs and are FINALLY getting married this spring. He is getting so frustrated with his EX because she claims she gets electricity shut off notices in the mail, but he just found out she's able to buy a 2013 Camry! WTF?!?! We've been dealing with this legal matter over his CS modification and visitation and it's come to a screeching halt. He's to the point now of just letting things be the way they are except the CS modification. The kids don't seem like they care one way or the other to visit. Now that Daddy doesn't make the $$ he used to, they don't want to come around because Mommy and Daddy spoiled their little butts rotten and are now dealing w/the reprocussions of it. It's completely my fiance' and his EX's fault for giving in and not disciplining the kids when they were wrong. And when Daddy made $20/hr instead of $12/hr now, he took them EVERYWHERE and they ate out at expensive restaurants EVERY NIGHT. Hell, those poor kids look at a home cooked meal like an alien popped out of Bishop's stomach!lol My fiance' has told me that he feels so guilty for saying and feeling this: "As much as I look forward to picking up the kids and having visitation; I look even more forward to taking them home. I feel like I'm moving on from my kids." Bless his heart. I know he doesn't mean it with bad intentions. I fully understand the frustrations he has because I went through the same crap w/my ex when he wouldn't allow me to have visits w/my 2 older girls. But he says it's just so much easier with just him, me, and MY 9yr old daughter. I feel bad and somewhat guilty, but I do encourage him to see them. His ex does not make it easy in the slightest. I don't expect her to, but she doesn't need to be the biggest, rudest, and most inconsiderate B**** either! It sucks because my 9yr old daughter has more respect for the both of us than most adults have for the common person. And when HIS kids are with us, they behave badly and are rude. My daughter sees that and thinks it isn't fair that they were getting away with their attitudes. I finally had to put my foot down and say " Hey, if we're doing this as a team, then you need to speak to your children about their behavior. I won't allow them to be a bad influence on my daughter. If you don't say something, I will the next time your son raises a hand or fist to hit you or when your 11yr old daughter starts talking about having sex and S&M in front of my kid!" He started keeping them in line, and his son now doesn't want to spend as much time with his Dad. I don't feel bad about that. He is just going to have to realize that OUR marriage isn't going to revolve around them, and as someone earlier posted and I fully agree: The kids grow up and move out. He really is worth it.

Shell - posted on 02/07/2013

I wasn't dating any man with kids. And I was in my early 30's. I met my husband and fell in love. But was nervous about the baby mama drama. I talked to the only woman I know that had NEVER wanted kids. Accidentally had one of her own and married a man with 3 and 2 ex wives. I asked her for advice.. she said to me: He "was worth all the crap to me. To be with in the end. Just my husband and I. The kids will move out... And it will be just us. He was worth it. Is yours worth it?" Now that is close to what she said and I thought long and hard. And made my choice and still today... it's hard. There is only one person in the world that I am soooo close to hating. Yup, it's the EX. And hate is a HORRIBLE word and emotion.

I hope yours isn't having trouble in school. Ours is 6 and in 1st grade. Already banned from the bus. Seen principle 5 times already. Gets in trouble at least once a day for being silly and causing trouble. If he was with us I GUARANTEE it wouldn't be so. But since she has no control over him... we are powerless except on Wed and every other weekend. He desperately needs us.

i REMIND MYSELF WHEN ITS TUFF... I LOVE MY HUSBAND. HE IS WORTH IT.
It's hard but try to find a way to reconnect with your husband. Togetherness. A team.
And utilize your disciplinary skills and ability.... I accept NO back talk or nasty mouth. A TO or other discipline for back talk and a smartmouth. Don't kno if their rudeness includes that.... but trust me. You would be doing them a favor if you don't allow that. Hard as it is on you. If you NIP it... it will soon stop and you can go on being a happy family. Basically FIND a "happy family" place for everyone.

Good luck, keep me posted. I will help as much as I can. And will be your venting board =) tx for letting me vent!

Anne - posted on 02/06/2013

Yeah see looking back I can see I should probably have stayed in my own house. I met my husband 19.5 years ago. I was young and Foolish, wasn't honest to him or to myself and somehow we ended up with different partners. Then 4.5 years ago I suddenly received a letter from him. We had previously kept in contact but lost contact after his first child was born. He suddenly came across my parents address after tidying up old boxes. We lived in two different countries the first two years and then I moved close to him. My husband asked the mother to have the children but she took him to court and she lost the case and my husband ended up with residency. I knew the out come of the court case before I moved and moved in with him but I love him so I decided it would all get better. However I would have preferred it to be just him, me and my kids as it was supposed to have been when we first started going out. Being in the situation and watching from the outside is very different, but of course I didn't enter this blindfolded.
All I can say is I love my husband dearly but unfortunately being a step mother sucks.

Mandy - posted on 02/06/2013

Oh Anne I didnt mean to imply we live together. Heck no. And I would not live with him due to his Son. Now why dont I end the relationship with him? Because he is not his son. And I can handle 4 days a month of inconvenience. And as my therapist told me maybe seeing positive interactions between children and adults could be beneficial to the child. I will not throw the baby out with the bathwater. My boyfriend is a good man, kind, caring and loving to my girls. He just lacks in parenting to his son due to the actions of his ex-wife...why fault him for that. I wont however become the "happy little family" with him. Not at this juncture of our lives. that is my choice because I refuse to end up in the situation soooooooooo many of the women here are complaining about. Reading your post and looking at my situation I could definitely see the same thing happening in my life if I did decide to move in and/or get married. Thank you for that.

AND YES it IS the parents responsibility to RAISE their children to be responsible productive members of society! Not to just watch them grow up. And I feel for you because if you are the only one trying to do this with your step kids it is an uphill battle you may not win :( you are fighting against their bio parents lack of parenting and indulgences...

Anne - posted on 02/06/2013

If you cringe every time your boyfriend comes home with his son that isn't good either. Married or not married you still live with your boyfriend and his son is as much in your life now as if you were married. Legally you are not a step mother but it doesn't take a word to describe what part you play in your boyfriends son's life. it is all the same. My step children does not call me anything different or see me any different from before we got married to now. However my daughters does and now calls my husband dad now and again, for them it has been a change in what relation they have to him.

Anne - posted on 02/06/2013

Well personally I believe that if kids misbehave, like walk all over parents that is because the parents have and are not doing a good job. My daughters never disrespect me or answer me back, are never rude to me, never expect me to do everything for them. In fact they often offer to fetch things for me, help me with stuff and in general are just pleasant fun loving girls that are never rude to anyone. That is of course how I see little adults should be as well as us adults.

Mandy - posted on 02/06/2013

Well there isnt much more too it. You can not change people. Damn I wish I could. If he refuses to take the reins and responsibility you WILL be stuck in this vicious cycle that is damaging to you and your children. You cant take the weight of the world on your shoulders and not eventually buckle, even Atlas stumbled.
You already dislike his children and honestly they probably know that by the fact you prefer your two children. I am not condemning you for that. I prefer my two beautiful girls over any other person's children as well and prefer spending time with them. I cringe when I know my boyfriends son is going to be coming down with him. That doesnt make me a bad person. It makes me intolerant of bad behavior and disrespect. But you cant change them...
Hold you head up. You are working on your degree. Something many people never complete. You are better than how they treat you! This also is not just a step mother issue. This is a parental issue regardless of biology. Every day I see children walk all over their parents. It is sad.

Anne - posted on 02/06/2013

Yeah that was a pretty simple answer.

Mandy - posted on 02/06/2013

I have a pretty simple answer...you chose to sign on as the stepmother. You either accept the situation or you move on. I hear a ton of whining from people that CHOSE to become step parents! Seriously! Did you not DATE the person before marriage? Did you not see what things were like before hand? I mean gosh I am dating someone now and due to his child I told him we would never get married. I do not want to be a mother to his son because he and his ex-wife are over-indulgent, too lenient and both feel guilty over the divorce and the affect it has had on him. Shit the kid is 6 and still wears pull ups cause he is lazy and they let him get away with it. And it didnt take long to see the writing on the wall. We have been dating for 5 months and I only see his son every other weekend. Believe me Im not a genius by any stretch of the imagination. It blows my mind the people that walk into this stuff blind. OH and before anyone says "Oh but you dont have children" I have 2 beautiful girls. I know the parent role. I know what would be expected of me to take on another child as well and I am comfortable enough with myself to admit my shortcomings. I wouldnt do that to my boyfriend, his son or my girls.

Good luck!

Anne - posted on 02/06/2013

I hate being a stepmother. It seems to get worse and worse. My daughters refers to my husband as an extra loving dad. My step children see me as just some one that looks after them. I wonder why the mum doesn't want them back. I also wonder why the kids don't ask to live with her. I guess it is confusing and a tough decision for young children to make.
I hardly can't finish my degree as all my energy is taken up stressing over my home life. My eldest step son is so often ill and I am trying to make him eat more and better. I do everything a mother does but as he said this morning "why do you always moan at us" I moan as I have to remind a 10.5 year old, plus his 6.5 &7.5 year old siblings to do everything, from closing the cupboard doors, close the taps, switch the lights off, flush the toilets, don't put clean clothes in the washing basket, don't put dirty school clothes on, brush their hair, sit nicely at the table, say please and thank you and the list goes on. I hate my life and my husband thinks I have such a lovely life as I can go at home every day and not go to work. But I loved working, now all I do is house work and clean and wash after very messy step children and my husband moans when I on some holidays would like just to take my girls away somewhere. So this lovely life I am supposed to have means having his three children 12-15.5 hours alone a week, do all jobs what a mum does for his children including guidance, home work etc. and ideally have them all on school holidays too plus all the sick days his kids have. Mine are never off sick so I only have the pleasure of his children being off. And if I didn't just take my two girls out on my weekends then I would end up doing everything at the weekends too as my husband is tired as he works too much. So now I go out so I can just be bio mum to my two lovely daughters.
Please give me advise, this life I of course have chosen for myself is driving me in sane. I know it is my own fault as I married my husband knowing he had three children full time.

Anne - posted on 02/05/2013

Shell

Yes I feel guilt every day and that is horrible. My husband does not understand, I think it might take a step mum to understand.

Anne - posted on 02/05/2013

Shell
Yeah I need to let it all out now and again as it is so frustrating and it is so easy to get into a bad habit. I feel I have to have so much extra energy to be a step mother. I find the kids difficult and rude and I can easily fall into being moody myself and give them less than children do deserve. I also find that if one of the step children do something then I am half annoyed with all three of them and of course that is not fair. But I think it is because they all annoy me so I am at the moment half annoyed at them all the time and that is what I struggle to break through.

As you said then they get it from their mum and that is why I can't see an end to this. Unfortunately my husband does not understand, but I find you have to be a step mum to fully understand how difficult this all can be.
Yes I feel guilt every day

Shell - posted on 02/04/2013

Prayers to you Donna... Good luck!!

Anne: you said "The thing about being a stepmother is you should and could always do better. I am often left with a feeling of guilt. " I don't know about all Moms... but I can tell you that whether step or bio..... WE ALL should and could do better. We make mistakes. We are human. And we also have the guilt afterwards. But remember.... that is not a SM problem! That is just human nature!

I'm sure you are doing a great job!

Anne - posted on 02/03/2013

I will, good luck Donna.

Donna Sue - posted on 02/02/2013

Thank you for what you said. You have described her perfectly. We just filed for custody. Pray for us. :)

Shell - posted on 01/30/2013

Anne,

I definitely wouldn't let the step daughter take toys away, bully or hit..... This might be an opportunity for you to guide the child down a better path. I'd try to let the kids work it out, but I wouldn't want to let the SD keep that up or it could get her into trouble down the road in school and stuff.

It might also be an opportunity to lead into discussion with them all about bullying... It's in the news more and more. That bullying isn't nice and what to do if they are bullied.

I understand that you are probably just venting and maybe didn't need my 2 cents lol

I totally understand as our son comes from BM and has a total Lack of responsibility (just like BM) "It was an accident" or "I forgot" or "I didn't do it" even if I saw it with my own eyes. He then gets in trouble HERE for lying but he is now pulling the same stuff in school. She has almost gotten him in trouble over here for lying because he says a and she says b.... but then she "remembers" oh... .well maybe it was a. I forgot. So I totally get that she is probably acting like her BM and it's just disturbing and depressing! But I'd say Nip it! We are doing the best we can with the time we have to teach him right from wrong, respect, responsibility, honesty and FIX all the crap that she is instilling in him when he is with her. Feel free to vent anytime as you can see... I needed to also!!

Anne - posted on 01/30/2013

Hi Barbara
Thank you for your response.

Non of us ever talk badly about their mother.
The two youngest don't remember living with their mum. The youngest boy even asked his Nan a few years ago if I was his mum or the bio mum was.
What I struggle with the most I guess is the daughter's behaviour and especially when I find her not nice towards my daughters. When that happens a lot of old stuff unfortunately comes up as it has been like this for four years but much worse than it is now. I have brought my daughters up to be sweet and unfortunately they are always too sweet to my step daughter even when she isn't always sweet. I then find myself getting angry at my daughters because they should stand up to her and not just do what she demands. The boys are always nice to my daughters.
I guess when it comes to it the biggest dilemma I have is my daughters always being too sweet. I sit and watch my step daughter do what she wants and then no matter what my daughters always play with her and do what she wants and ask them to do.
And I hear what you are saying and I know it isn't easy for my step children either. I also know that the bio mum let her daughter get away with anything. If she took toys away from her older brother, the sister always had the right to do so.

Barbara - posted on 01/29/2013

Anne,
No body said parenting would be easy, but step-parenting is truly a challenge. As far as the kids are concerned, try to keep in mind how conflicted they must feel. I suspect the daughter wants to be with her mom all of the time and not 'trade' living arrangements. If her birth mother has had a new baby recently, this adds more grist to this mill, resentful of the new baby, you, her father and the entire situation. It polarizes the children and they don't know where they belong or 'fit in'. The kids tend to take their frustration and dissatisfaction with the situation out on the 'step parent' because they see you as the barrier to their parents getting back together. As adults we realize that is highly unlikely if not impossible, but kids live a fantasy life that includes having both parents living with them. The 'ideal family' is where the kids are in their heads, and you don't fit into that picture. Their dad doesn't see this because most of the unpleasantness is showered on you, probably more so when he isn't present. It isn't a happy picture, but it is what reality looks like - perhaps even court ordered, so you're stuck with a difficult situation that only you can make the best of. Don't talk poorly about their mother, remember to enforce house rules about behavior, chores, bed times, etc - but do it with kindness and understanding. Behave respectfully toward them as a model for good behavior and give them the space to mature. The most important thing is to NOT take their attitude toward you PERSONALLY. They live in a world of conflict and are struggling to find a balance between the two homes, their own feelings and the varying rules that may be in place at each home. The birth mom has her own set of issues and I would try to be supportive of the kids without reference to their mom about anything.

Anne - posted on 01/29/2013

Hi Shell

Thanks for your reply.
Yes it really is nice to know I am not the only one.

Unfortunately my husband works far too much and therefore I feel it is all on me. We have never sat down and spoke about my involvement but as he is at work and the kids lives with us he let me control everything which is difficult at times as I can then come across as the "bad" person as I set rules etc.
They all have a day each morning where they lay the table and tidy up after breakfast. As they eat dinner twice a week at their mum it is only the morning I do it. Five kids so a day for each of them. It is the ten year old I feel should do more as the others are more likely to help with stuff such as dinner and they are 3-4 years younger too. They all make their beds in the mornings as well.

The thing about being a stepmother is you should and could always do better. I am often left with a feeling of guilt. Like when the kids come home from their mum and they are rude or don't talk to us I feel I should raise above it, but I am only human too and when it happens often enough I get dragged down.

Anne - posted on 01/29/2013

Hi Donna

That sounds terrible with the bio mum. At least I have no dealings with mine, but my theory is she isn't that interested in the children and only do things for show. Also the new baby she has is an income. If she wanted her children she could challenge us but she doesn't.
It is very frustrating because it is all out of your control.
I can only say I hope it gets better with the bio mum, but I doubt it. As you said she holds a grudge against you as he married you, not her. Unfortunately her jealousy is taken out on the child.

Shell - posted on 01/28/2013

Anne, how much involvement did you and your husband agree that you would have in your household with your SKs?

I've been with my husband since b4 my SS turned 2 yrs old. He is now six... he makes his bed (maybe not the way I would but hey He is HELPING!!) , picks up his own room (again with exceptions to whether it's perfect or not and if I need to do a once over lol), puts his dishes in the sink and sometimes I have him help with laundry. I know it's not much but by 10 I fully intend to have added to that list! Why not try making a chore board..... everyone can help with housework. Then set aside and hour on Saturday or Sun that you all spend doing some house cleaning??

The best advice I have about the kids being different..... its the same here. We have totally different rules, morals, values, personalities, BRAINS etc than he has when he is with BM. Be consistent in your home, maybe make a rules board that they can refer to when they refer home. And by all means take the high road. She may be badmouthing you but do not do so to the kids in return. They will grow up and see the way things are. You don't want to be THAT SM!! And it is hard sometimes..... when she let our 4 yr old play Call of Duty. Yes... she did!!! WTH??? So when he told us this we said he can't play it here, it's rated M and is not for kids. To his but my Mom lets me. Well we just do things differently. So hard not to spout yeah but she is WRONG!!!! We had to remind him that we didn't want to hear about him knifing and killing people when he played. We just said we don't want to hear it and changed the subject. We still have to do that sometimes. Good luck my friend! You will be glad u joined... its such a relief to know there are other women out there that are dealing with and feeling the same emotions as I am! And such a relief to vent and be UNDERSTOOD!!! =)

Donna Sue - posted on 01/27/2013

Amen Step-mom!! I hear the frustration in your voice and I feel your pain. I have been a step mom for over 25 years...and am now a step-mom of a 3 year old..I remarried last year and my husband is a wonderful man and a great father. We just started getting him overnights this year and its great but of course his mom hates me and is very resentful that he didnt marry her when she got pregnant with him. So of course she makes our lives miserable and the lives of everyone around us..she has 3 other children by different dad's and gets almost 1,000.00 a month in support. She is constantly calling DCF on us, taking us to court, and just making things soooo hard. she screams at my husband in front of the baby...its just really hard and I totally agree with you. Why can't we just all get along for the kids...it would make life soooo much easier!!

Anne - posted on 01/25/2013

Hi
I have never written here or anywhere else before, but I thought I would try this as I probably moan too much to my friends about being a stepmother and I am not sure they understand it as well as us who goes through it.
I have twin daughters and we have been coming in my now husbands house for four years. My husband has three kids and the two youngest are one year apart and my daughters are right in the middle. The eldest son is 3.5 years older than my twin daughters. My husband won full custody when we started seeing each other. The kids now, by court order sees their mum after school Mondays, Wednesdays and every other weekends. His daughter who is the same school year as my daughters has never been nice to my daughters. She has always been mean to them and especially one of them she has singled out for 3.5 years amongst slamming front door in her face, luckily it is getting better. Luckily my kids have always remained nice to her, but unfortunately they still want to play with her, which I wished they wouldn't as my stepdaughter is very controlling and mainly only think about herself. After we moved in and my daughters got a bedroom of their own, I did see some changes as no longer could she control everything as my daughters also had a place to play, without following orders from their stepsister. It is all very frustrating to watch and my husband doesn't see nor does he get it.
The boy now age ten doesn't help or do much in the house, nor does he go out much to play with friends. The other two kids never bring friends home either, though I encourage them to do so. Not sure the daughter has many friends either. The youngest boy is struggling with good manners, like doesn't say thank you are hello, good bye and it took him a whole year to say good night to me, only says it now as I have made a big point of it. Non of them really say good bye in the morning or hello when they get home from their mum. I have made a big point about it to them and their dad so sometimes one of them does now. I find it so rude.
I do all the washing, cooking, cleaning, take them to their childminder in the mornings, pick them up from school Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other Friday, take them to the doctors, hairdressers, dentist etc. The eldest boy is often off school as not feeling well and I have now made comments to my husband about why his mother does not want to take some of the sick days. She used to drink but seems to be better now, though I have no dealings with her any more. But she has just had a baby so I guess she is feeling better. My point is since she never has worked, nor ever will work and only live very close to us, why not take more responsibility for her kids. Obviously she is not interested in having them full time, but after all it is her kids not mine. Like every other stepmother I experiences the same difficulties. Yes they will always love their mother most and who am I really to them? I found this article, actually for my husband to read and for him to try to understand his children are different when they come home from their mum. His daughter no longer talks to us when she comes home from her mum, she used to be rude but I have spoken to her about it and now she just remains silent and goes in her room or play with her one year younger brother. The day after she will again talk and play with my daughters. Have a read of the article.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/step...
When I had read this article, I had finally put research to my theory, However my husband still don't see his kids are different, as to him they are not, but to us they are, especially the daughter.
I love my own kids so much and I find them pleasant, a joy to be with, they are happy, helpful and a very kind natured. I find my step children lovely too, but often they are not happy, rude, moaning and it is up and down all the time with their moods. I know if we had the kids full time it would be better, but since she is in the picture many times a week then I feel perhaps she should just have them, as this is not doing any of us any good.

Lori - posted on 01/23/2013

my daughter calls her step mom..."mom" i hate it. her dad thinks its ok because the neighborhood kids called his mom "mom"

Shell - posted on 01/18/2013

Puliti... pls message me again! I'd love to share and chat more as I think we have a lot to help each other with. I've got a "date night" so I'm gonna go watch a movie with my hubby. I'd love to "use" (LOL) u as a vent and get your personal advice and I'd love to be "used" as your vent too! You are most welcome and I hope to chat again!

Puliti - posted on 01/18/2013

@Shelle

Thank you for your kind words. I reread my earlier post and feel a bit guilty for sounding so harsh. This marks the first real time that I have spoken about my situation and I've had a lot pent up. I just want to clarify that most of my anger stems from the bio mom doing things to that poor child's mind that will take time to alter and most of which will never change. I don't blame the child for the way she acts because she hasn't learned any better from her mother or unfortunately my husband (he's always been accustomed to having her for 2 days out of the week so I understand that he concentrated more on spending time with her rather than discipline). I also understand its confusing for the child because I went through a similar situation when I was a child. The only thing that saved me from turning into an unstable, bitter and unfulfilled adult is that my mother and step-mother never put me in the middle of their personal feelings. Even though I didn't have an ideal home, I was free to love and be loved fully from those around me. I wasn't even aware that they didn't like eachother until I was an adult!

It pains my heart to know that this child does not get the same opportunity because a child produced from a split home needs the most love and support they can get. It pains my heart to know that I am in limited control when it comes to helping change things to make it better for her and I fear that she will grow up unhappy, not well adjusted and bitter because the people around her, besides her father and I suppose myself, aren't doing everything they can to make sure that doesn't happen. I resent the "rules" that come with being a step mother because even though I love the girl like she is my own, I can't necessarily take over like she is. I feel helpless at times, but I know I have to just do what I can and try to be there for my step daughter to the best of my capabilities. Thank you again, Shelle!

Shell - posted on 01/18/2013

I know I was cautious about dating men with "baggage"... ex-wives, kids etc. rightfully so... when I finally consented to date a totally hot guy and he proceeded to tell me what his 10 yr old boy had done to past girlfriends of his. Uhm.... no 3rd date! And he wasn't so hot anymore!! Then I met my husband.... his child was only 1 yr old. I thought well.... maybe this will be easier. And it is. With the child anyway. It makes a difference, it's easier to bond with a baby... My son will never know his life w/o me in it. I am a Mom to him. He knows this. I'm very happy with my Husband and our child. I simply wish we had him full time so that the majority of his influences were positive and consistent. With the BM.... he is having trouble. Even his teacher knows when he has been with us because he is calmer and less.... volatile and dramatic. That tells me we are doing something right. I just hope that God or the courts... will FINALLY give us what we deserve. A happy family with visitation to the BM. Good luck Politi.. you are lucky to have urs FT. Enjoy it, teach that child to be an upstanding citizen and wonderful caring person in the world when she is grown. You get that privilege now. I wish we had that Opportunity!! Good luck!

Puliti - posted on 01/18/2013

Being a step mother is the most thankless job there is. I'm new to being a stepmom and right off the bat, my husband's child moved in with us full time right when we got married and moved in together. Immediately I was expected to play the mommy role (my husband works nearly 50+ hours a week & is understandably exhausted when he is home) and help him raise his child. A job I was in no way prepared, or informed of. Now I'm 21, trying to start school and get my life together and without a single complaint, I took on the mantle of cooking, doing all the cleaning, helping with homework, etc.

I do all of this and bend over backwards for what? The bio mom talks terribly about me to the child, tells her to disrespect me, not to listen to me, etc. and my poor husband is too stressed and tired of the situation to back me up and take charge of the discipline in the house. Not to mention that his daughter is spoiled, VERY disrespectful, self-centered, lazy & mean. Now since this is my home too and I've taken on the bulk of the responsibilities with her and I work a job and try to get my school work done, I am in no mood to be told that I have to just subject myself to whatever the child feels like dishing out. If it isn't my place to discipline, then I shouldn't be handed the responsibilities of being a mother in every single other way. I don't even like my step child, but I care for her and my husband the best way I can simply because I want to. Now I'm coined as the "evil step mother" because I refuse to be walked on.

The bio mom has always been jealous as she considers her ex and her child her territory but I've made it clear in every way I know how that I don't want to be my step child's mother. I have my own place in life and am quite content where I am. In fact, it's the bio mom's fault that we're even in this situation because of the choices she's made. Yet I'm the bad person for trying to be there for her daughter because she can't be. Step-parents do a lot of work and it isn't always guaranteed that we will get the rewards that come with playing such a tricky road. Alot of times its plopped onto your lap to accept responsibilities you never thought you would have. If any bio moms that have step moms around your children are reading this, please take heed to what I am trying to say. Some step parents are "evil", but some just end up looking that way because they can't please everyone, walk on eggshells, take the strain on their marriage, accept being 2nd or 3rd from the very beginning of their relationship and do a thankless job forever. It can be enough to drive you insane if not handled properly or at all.

I'm trying not to become that stereotype. I don't want to dislike or resent my step daughter, her bio mom or even my husband. Therapy and talking to other step mothers have worked wonders for my happiness and peace of mind. Thank you for your time.

Leesa - posted on 01/17/2013

Thank u shell, your post was so nice an very true

Shell - posted on 01/17/2013

Leesa.... ME TOO!! But then I think of how much I love my husband. And how much he and my (S) son NEED ME! And I'm not saying that to be sarcastic or egotistical. I literally don't think my husband could run a household w/o me HAHA He was a lost puppy when I met him and he is now the man I knew he could be because he has a strong woman walking with him in life. I'm quite sure that is how your children and your hubby feel about you!. If you need to vent anytime also... please feel free to write me!

Nicole - posted on 05/21/2011

I love every minute of being a step mom there are alot of stressful times at the moment our stepdaughter isnt speaking to us and that of course is all my fault not to mention she was doing everything in her power yo ensure that her dad and i separated, we also have two boys and at the end of the day when the kids are with us they are treated no differently than the bio children being a step mum is hard but i wouldnt change it for the world.

Brittany - posted on 11/19/2010

Being a step mom and a bio mom I try to understand why some bio moms can be so spiteful towards step mom. My son (ss) loves me immensely, I am his world and he is mine. I think it is this relationship that bothers bio mom. I think she would feel better if me and our son had a good loving relationship that was not a son-mom relationship, but the reality is that we do have a son-mom bond. As a bio mom myself I can see how that would bother her, I would hate the idea of having to share my bio son (bad enough I already have to share my other son). In the end you should not pay much attention to what bio mom says, since much of it comes from how good of a mother you are. Unfortunately both men and women think that giving birth to a child entitles you to automatic parenthood, but it takes being there through it all that makes a real Mom and Dad. I try to ignore negative comments and just raise my son the best way I know how and know that he will grow up to be a loving and caring man because of it. As for bio mom I truly hope that one day we can have an adult conversation about our son, but until then we do our thing and she does hers.

Julie - posted on 04/30/2010

Being a step mom for 19 years was really hard depends on their mom she made it worse never appreciated anything still close with my stepdaughter am separated from their dad for over 2 yrs due to domestic violence he is now best friends practically with his 1st wife after she put him n me thru hell courts playin visitation games etc,.but i always loved them like my own never take it out on them not their fault they're in the step kid position ya know theyre innocent but it was hard they repeated well my stepson tried causing problems between all of us sometimes it worked i did have fun and tried making their weekends fun as well now i am a step grandma time flies lifetheir is short ya know try just to be there for them no matter what their mom was always scared they would call me mom i never tried taking her place they never called me mom it was ok ya know they wanted to but not allowed it worked out ok i am not bitter it was challenging and rewarding have 2 other children ages 18 now and 15 my stepkids r in their mid 20's they were in my life first like i said make arrangements to do fun things together and give them their time alone as well with their dad

Tarita - posted on 04/24/2010

I can totally relate. I'm a step-mom to 3 and have been for about 5 years now. Being a step mom is NOT easy, not at all. I totally agree about feeling like you do and pay for everything, that's how it feels sometimes here. My husband's son, moved out 2 1/2 years ago and barely talks to him. His mom and her family bribed/promised him something but in turn he blamed it all on me "the strick step-mom". At one point he even blamed me for their divorce and I was sort of going through my own divorce and didn't know his dad then. He even would say that Dad wasn't like this until he met you and all sort of allegations that hurt. We have worked our way through some of this. He also has 2 daughters: the 14 year old goes back and forth every week and the 11 year old lives with us full-time. The older daughter has ADHD & Bipolar and let me tell you that is not easy. She is very angry at her mom but won't tell her mom or talk to her. She has been in counseling (which of course we pay for) for 5 years now. She gets mad at her mom and takes it out on me, yelling, cursing, acting up, etc. It is so difficult and when she does this the other kids get upset too and sometimes my hubby gets angry at them. It can be extremely stressful. Why can't these kids accept that someone new in their lives loves them for who they are and realize just what we do for them?? I'm not trying to replace their real mom, I'm just asking for some repect and manners. Is that too much to ask in return for everything we do for them?? His girls do call me Mom but that was totally their choice. From the beginning I have told them to call me by my first name or something nice, but to have it come from their heart. They both call me Mom and my son calls my hubby, Dad.