Biological Parents in 2 different states, school begins - kids ages 5 & 2, I'm the girlfriend.

Toni - posted on 07/21/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I'm the girlfriend that has a teenager of my own with a boyfriend who has two kids ages 5 & 2. The biological mother lives 1 hour away in another state. The 5 year old begins Kindergarten this year. The biological mother agreed to let the 5 year old live with here with her Dad and go to school here because that's what the 5 year old wants. What is the best decision for the 2 year old. Should the 2 year old stay with the mom every other week and attend day care during her week for the majority of the day for her to spend time with him in the evening and see both kids every other weekend? Or should he stay where the older child is going to school (with me, at home) to establish more of a "normal" family type of environment, while having both kids see the Mom every other weekend or every weekend? The situation can be reversed to where the kids both stay with the mom and attend school there/day care there and see the dad every weekend or every other weekend. I understand that either way it is a loss of time with both kids, but should one kid be away from the other every other week because he's not old enough to attend school? One of the negative factors for the mom is that I am the girlfriend. Not many mothers out there would want the "girlfriend" to raise their son. Please let me clarify that I "the girlfriend" came into the dad's life way after they split up! I have had nothing negative happen with the Mom other than I'm the girlfriend to her ex. The kids adore me and my daughter, our home and home life. Please help make a healthy decision for the kids sake!

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Toni - posted on 08/12/2009

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I just wanted to post what's currently happening. The 5 year old is attending school here with us and the 2 1/2 yr old is staying with us every other week. I've enrolled him in a child development school for the week he is with us to try to keep normality. Being that all the kids are attending school, we thought it would be best for him to be among kids his age, socialize and learn what he can for when he begins school. He'll be 3 soon, and you can't be too young to learn! Also, I wouldn't want the biological Mom to think that I am trying to take her place by any means. Him being in school would surely avoid that much jealousy or unkind thoughts about me (I can only hope). I know when I was working hard and a single Mom, when my Mom watched my daughter I got somewhat "green eyed" because I couldn't be there to see what she was learning and doing for the first time(s), but I was definitely mature enough to understand that I'd rather have her watch my baby than put her in a daycare center. And as much as I would LOVE to watch the 2 1/2 yr old, I definitely don't want to cause more problems for my boyfriend with his ex than he already has to deal with. Any extra thoughts would be appreciated, of course, if you guys have any. Warmest Regards.

Toni - posted on 07/31/2009

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Thank you Kristine for your words of encouragement. I just wish his ex would see it the way you do. I wish she would appreciate what I do for them and see that I'm the one who spends all day with them and has potty trained her son and have weened him off the pacifier. I definitely don't want her to think that I know better than she does, but see that I've already been through these stages.

The result that my boyfriend decided on was, the son will still continue to rotate every other week between our house and the mom's. The mom is going to put him in a day care by her. He believes that his son won't want to be separate from his sister and it will be displayed in his behavior, which will cause the mom to lose her patience with him too, causing her to let him stay here as well. He wants the natural order to just fall into place because it causes less friction between him and her, allowing the kids to decide (basically).

I've agreed that causing friction and "telling" her that he's to live her won't go over so well. She's already given her son to us often enough just because she couldn't handle his temper tantrums. What's odd is that we don't really have that problem here.

Well, I guess that it will gradually come together. Thanks again, because seeing your response(s) really helps me see that I'm not the only one out there that goes through these rough times. I do hope all works out for you, as you've got a lot on your plate to deal with and go through. My warmest regards....

Kristine - posted on 07/31/2009

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You shouldn't split the kids up anymore than you have to. It is already hard on them not having there parents together regardless of how they act. I understand the situation all too well. My situation is a bit confusing but let me try. My oldest son, who's 8, lives with his dad in California and I only see him once a year, but talk to him every sunday... which is very hard on me. My second marriage went sour and we had 4 kids together... the 6 year old and 4 1/2 year old are with him in Tennessee. He has a girlfriend and I think that she is wonderful. If it wasn't for her I would have never allowed my children to live with there dad. don't get me wrong, he's a good person, but they still need the 'mom' side to look up to. Than I have our 3 year old and 2 year old. They wanted mom. Than i have my 9 month old with my current boyfriend, who is still in the picture. The kids miss each other like you wouldn't believe. Thankfully I have a much more civil relationship with my kids' dad in Tennessee and we each see the kids several times a year. My boyfriend has two chilren with his ex as well, so we deal with that on top of all the other confusion, but in the end, it all works out. If I could have all 6 of my kids back here in Michigan with me, afford it and still keep my sanity, i would do it in a heart beat. But my oldest wanted to be with his dad and the two in Tennessee wanted to be there. Thankfully they are all doing very well and being taken care the same way that I would. I hope that this makes sense to you and it helps... Just because your the girlfriend doesn't mean anything... I think that my oldest boy's step mom is wonderful and I feel the same about my other kids' dad's girlfriend. I know that they are not trying to be 'MOM', they all have kids of there own and they are just trying to help and do what they can to make sure that the kids are takin care of. I hope this helps. Sorry if your confused, if you want me to explain better just write me.

Toni - posted on 07/29/2009

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Thank you so much. You were very helpful. Every little bit does help and it's good to know that I'm not the only one out there that this is happening to.

I definitely let them know that their mom loves them very much and is excited to see them (even though I know we'll be getting them back sooner than we should because she has no patience for them - especially the 2 year old boy) She seems to do very well with her 5 year old girl (they do girly things together), but the boy often gets left out and left behind. I don't mind getting them EVER (as you), it's very frustrating though that I can't talk to her (she doesn't want me to) in relations to the kids and what they do, how they behave, etc. I'm the one who is with them the most and does more with them then any of them. The dad (my boyfriend) works a normal schedule and sees them for dinner and bedtime.

I've already raised a child (she's 15 going on 16) and have been through the stages she's going through with her kids and I know I could be helpful to her if she only was open enough to receive it. Unfortunately, she still loves her ex and wants him back (at times), just because she wants her cake and eat it too. She cheated on him for 3 years and didn't think he'd ever get up the nerve to leave her and find happiness! She's very jealous of the relationship he has with me.

I've always wanted a big family. Having them in my life is everything I've ever wanted! I should just count my blessings (as I do every day I have them and my daughter) and be grateful that a part of me is instilled in them for however long I have them.

Thank you very much! It's nice meeting you here :)

Leanne - posted on 07/26/2009

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It sure is tough being the step "girlfriend"/mum. I am now Stepmum to my husbands 2 children. They were 2.5 and nearly 4.5 when I met their father. I have been very careful right from the start to ensure that they know I am in no way trying to replace mum but it hasn't been early as I think it would be fair to say that their mother does not always have their best interests in mind.



Both kids are currently still living with their mother in a different two to us as to-date this has been what they have wanted, I think due mainly to their very young age. We have started letting them know that if this is what they continue to want then that is fine but I must admit it is a struggle at times to not just pick them up and take them away to what we know is definitely a healthier option for them. Unfortunately I don't feel able to give advice but my recommendation is that at the age of 2 if mum is capable of caring for them it would be preferable but in your situation I would think that separating them at the same time as another major change such as school would have harmful long term effects and may not be of benefit to you as they grow older.



sorry not a lot of help I know but will watch this post as with ours now 7 & 9 we are nearly at the stage where one or both will want to come and live with us on the farm where we also have a 2 year old and baby on the way. Stay strong and positive, the main thing is to keep letting the kids know how much you all love them (including mum) :-)

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