Children brainwashed by their dad and new step-mother

Martha - posted on 04/21/2013

This woman story needs to be HEARD there are problems that other mother’s who stay at home to raise there children and are losing them and there homes and any sort of income to provide for these children for a BIAS judge who is making calls that are not in the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN.
I Need Advice on how to handle this situation, I need to know how and what can be done. If someone would please take this case into consideration, recently my dear friend just got divorced, and I’m trying to help her in any way I can, because it is so unfair. Because this is an outrage that a mother who gave birth to these 2 young children has to suffer like this, where is the JUSTICE IN THIS. I recently sat in a court room observing a relocation case. This divorce dragged on for 3 years and after 2 years of standing before a judge the mother was kicked out of her home along with the father of 2 minor children. This case had no domestic violence, no drug or abuse or any other negligence. This case was nothing but VICIOUS EX-HUSBAND SEEKING REVENGE ON HIS FORMER WIFE AND TRYING TO ALIENATE THE 2 YOUNG CHILDREN FROM HER. The mother whom was a stay at home mom for 7 years of marriage went before a judge to obtain residential custody and after 3 years was throw out on the street with no job, no health insurance, no car, and no savings, and no money while losing residential custody to a man who makes over $100,000 a year and played the sympathy card of being daddy of the year. It was later found out that the judge allegedly could have been BIAS to the case due to his own Personnel Situations. This JUDGE has no RESPECT for stay at home moms or tolerance for keeping accurate notes during the testimonies given because his decisions are always in favor of the men. Plus, her ex- husband was going around the house with a tape recorder tapeing her and harassing her in front of the children, getting her upset. Is this normal for her ex- husband to have residential custody of these children, Plus this man WIRE TAPPED the phone to get all the info (OF COURSE HE WORKS WITH COMPUTER’S AND HE’S A SUCCESSFUL GENIUS) if she was talking to her lawyer or a family member and a minor also was talking on the phone with his grandparents he knew everything that was going on. So he was one step ahead of contacting his lawyer. This is a FEDERAL OFFENSE. And if she would send a text message to her ex- husband in regards to the children he changed all the wording. (cut and paste) THIS IS AGAINST THE LAW. This is very important, that this ex-husband WIRETAPPED the house phone and gets away with this. JUSTICE should be served. Also, when you put your hand on the BIBLE to tell the truth and only the truth you tell the truth but this man put his hand on the bible and he lies and lies and had his friends lied also for him, and the courts believed him. PLEASE, IS THIS JUSTICE FOR THE WOMAN AND CHILDREN? This mother had a well know attorney with no criminal record, her only crime was being a LOVING NURTURING MOTHER who was there 24/7 for her children, that spent the last 7 years raising her children. A judge who could recommend cutting out food and therapy for the children vacations and utilities by living in a one bedroom shack that was provided for the mother to live with her small children through the COURTS RECOMMENDATION while the father remains in the residential home in a 5 bedroom 3 ½ bath THIS JUDGE SHOULD BE REMOVED FROM THE BENCH. Plus, the residential home is in foreclosure is this the way to raise 2 young children. Her ex -husband has residential custody. Sorry to say, this case had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING to do with the BEST INTEREST OF THESE CHILDREN, NOTHING, It had to do what was the best interest of an ex- husband who had ENOUGH MONEY TO CONVINCE THE JUDGE AND HIS LAWYER. Something needs to be done to this respect. Even her lawyer did not fight for her which is a real shame. Is there anything or someone that could at least help? Justice really needs to be heard. ESPECIALLY FOR WIRETAPPING.

Nikki - posted on 04/05/2013

my ex after putting me and my children through hell has finally brainwashed my 13 yr old daughter to live with him and his girlfriend 17 yrs younger than him i got so hurt watching what going to court was doing to all my children i gave up and let him have her i endured both him and his gf laughing at me very imature social workers were involved and were absolutely crap they dismiss manipulation and alienation from the menatally abusive parent naturally i used to have a go at her because she couldnt see it she recorded me and gave to the social worker i was so hurt by this i didnt shout at her i just sadi you are so stupid you need to open your eyes and see what is going on the social worker called it emotional abuse its not, what he is doing is damaging brainwashing her i just want to protect her i love my children so much because i got the house and wouldnt take him back he wants revenge no matter who it hurts who said to me you think im a cuxxnt you aint sen anything watch this space and he meant it i just hope my daughter sees what he is doing sooner i cant see her i know it will only damge her more i know how malicious he will be making comments but cleverly he knows what he is doing im so upset he wants reactions he will never get a reaction im hoping she will eventually see or that he gets bored because he cant get to me

Heather - posted on 10/20/2012

Recently a judge became a whistleblower about what happens behind the scenes of court rooms and in judge training. She says that judges are taught to minimize domestic violence/child abuse when it is raised during a custody proceeding and also she shared that they ARE talking about your cases behind the scenes. Have you ever got the feeling that your cases just sat in limbo while nothing was done and your child sat for years with a family who is allowed to brainwash the child against you, alienate then from you for years, in some cases abuse the child, and nothing happens? Chances are there's a lot more happening then you even know about. Bias is real in court. Corruption is real in court. Don't accept it. If you find out people are corrupt in court like the lawyers and are using the system to harm you and your kids file an abuse of process suit against them. If you ex is keeping you from your kids and brainwashing them against you, file an intentional infliction of emotional distress suit against him. You can ask the higher court for an injunction or you can ask them for a writ of mandamus to force a judges hand when they stop all action on your case. You are infiltrating a judicial system that is like its own clique, you are outside the clique and the alienators seem to be accepted as the better of the two parties. You are considered the person trying to rock the boat. Since the alienator is a classic liar and in many cases has psociopathic tendencies they are very good at coming across as the least threatening party in court and somehow come across as credible. The judge need only use their eyes and ears when it comes to the evidence and they would see that the parent alienating the kids cares nothing for the children and is a selfish, controlling, in many cases abusive parent. Never give up on your kids. Kids who do come back home, remember things you send to them. Those notes you send do make a difference. Unknown to me, I sent a note to my daughter 3 days after she tried to cut herself and commit suicide. A month later when I called her on her birthday, she talked about that note for 30 minutes thanking me. In the note I told her about a dream I had where she was much older and had just had a baby and I was there with her and we were smiling and laughing and happy. In my note I told her someday again we would be together. Lesson: you just never know what you send may make a difference. Its hard not getting anything back but just know from this Mom that I am 100% certain it does make a difference. My daughter still goes thru modes where she hates me and starts behaving like him. Its part of growing up in violence and living with a controlling, psycho Dad. If they are telling you they hate you, don't believe them. Its the ex's hate of you that has been forced on them. They are simply complying and keeping themselves safe. An girlfriend to my ex- husband once shared with me that my daughters were interrogated after all of our phone calls and the family would tape record those calls. My daughters would cry while they were interrogated by the family and say things like "but thats not the truth, why are you making me lie." Eventually they would be brainwashed into saying whatever it was the family wanted them to say. Lesson: nothing they said was true, it was forced. I was relieved to know that some of the hurtful things being said to me from them, were forced. This girlfriend is an ex of his now after he went after her with a gun and tried to strangle her. He still has the girls. There have been many moments thruout the years where the love has been shown to be there full force between us despite their attempts to alienate. It has never been severed though they have tried and tried their hardest. The children are still able to be manipulated by this family but you have to remind yourself that someday they are going to wind up on your doorstep. However you can't live every moment of every day thinking of these children (I know thats hard to hear), it is taking years off your life! You have to keep the truck rolling in the court demanding your parental rights be enforced and start doing things to make you better. Thinking of everything that happens when you have been the parent left behind is going to make you sick. You have to get help, therapy, DBT therapy is awesome and can help those traumatized by Parental alientation heal. You have to learn to live in the now and not create more suffering for yourself living in the past. Your children need you to be okay. They can't tell you that because the crazy people they live with would make their life miserable, but they love you so very much. They miss you so very much and someday they are going to tell you that. The sooner you can get them the better but mine have lived in the abuse for 7 years and still when I saw them this summer they cling and cry hysterical when its time for me to leave. The love bonds can never be completely broken. Do not ever listen to the words from them. It is rehearsed, and might as well be a script from the alienator. Never give up good Moms and Dads. I know you can help change the system and help bring your babies home. Mine haven't come yet but they will. I have three more babies God has blessed me with and a husband who is awesome! There are days its too much and its okay. You have to hang in there and hang on dearly to those of us who are also going thru it. Find someone who in a group like this and get someone you can call when you are having those moments that are unbearable. No one knows more about this pain then someone going thru it. Somehow that has always made it more bearable for me to talk with a friend of mine who has gone thru it. After 8 years she got her daughter back too btw, so there's always hope. Always, and your children in the very secret places of their heart that no one can infiltrate, love you! They always will even if they can't express that to you and act a completely different way. God Bless you and may he shine his face upon you and l ight your pathway to justice.

Elaine - posted on 10/11/2012

I'm not sure whether it's comforting or depressing to think that many others are in situations similar to mine. I was with my ex for 15 years, during which time he completely destroyed my self-esteem.



When I told him I was leaving him, he acted as if I had been cheating on him all the years I had been with him, and told my children as much. He started seeing his new wife within about a month after I left him, after he had told me he would never be with anyone else, and told her, too. He even embellished and told her how I had hit him and beat up on him (keep in mind that I am half his size and have the strength of a dead gnat). He also told her that I was emotionally abusive to him!



He then proceeded to keep taking me back to court over and over again until I finally gave up custody of the children, because I had lost my home, my job and my car. I had nothing left to fight with. Now, his girlfriend (now wife) was there, and yet, she has posted online that they WON custody of the children because I was an unfit parent and because my boyfriend (now husband) was evil (he's a very good man who has rebuilt my self-esteem). She insists that the children see nothing that she posts online, and yet, they are constantly calling me about things like I'm posting right now that I have posted online. This means that either she is guiding them to see how I'm "badmouthing" their father, or she is lying about what they see online. Either way, between herself and my ex, they have nearly completely destroyed my relationship with my children.



I know that I was never a perfect parent, and I have made my share of mistakes, but I also know that children forgive their parents when they are allowed to, and my children have not been allowed to forgive me for anything that I've done wrong.

Tanithia - posted on 10/06/2012

I have been divorced for around 9 years. I attempted to keep a cordial relationship with the father of my 2 girls, but when my x got with his future wife, she soon put a stop to it and now the only time he speaks to me is when he rings up to harrass me/tell me off. My girls' stepmother was manipulative and contrrolling from the beginning. She has had a very negative impact on my relationship with my daughters and basically acts as if she is their mother. She told my oldest daughter about periods when she was about 10, before I got the chance to. Since the girls were little she has made sure I don't have my girls for one night more than her, even tho it is her, not their father they spend most of the time with. When my oldest daughter was around 8 or 9, she wanted to spend the night with me, not her dad and I ended up with the stepmum screaming and swearing abuse at me on my doorstep. My x turned up too and then they were both abusing me. The situation now is that my eldest is 13 and despite us having a very close relationship till recently, she has tiurned against me and gone to live at her dad's and is apparently getting on famously with the stepmum. My x and her do not care in the slightest about my anguish over being separated from my daughter. I have no idea when I will see her again.Because she is 13 she is old enough to decide where to go. I am powerless to do anything. I wrote her a letter encouraging her to keep in contact and apparently she refused to read it...my other daughter told me...and the stepmum read it to her!!! The stepmum and my x have 3 kids of their own, so it's not like she has no kids of her own.I recently broke my ankle and was about 20 minutes late when my youngest was waiting at home for me. She is very responsible and nearly 12 years of age. Because my x told her she should never b left on her own she then rang the stepmum who hotfooted it over to my place so when i came up the drive she started telling me off/abusing me for leaving my daughter on her own. This was when i had a broken ankle and couldn't drive/was reliant on other people to drive me around. Some of her comments to me...in front of my youngest...Don't you look away wen i am talking to you.....I'm already looking after your other daughter...I've been putting up with this for 10 years!!! etc etc....many people would have taken them yto court years ago but I try to avoid unpleasantness/drama, but it like she and my horrible x are winning in this sad and sorry situation.

Sharon - posted on 09/17/2012

I feel for you, but have little feeling left. My x husband likes to throw money and power around. Our marriage was one sided, his way or no way. When I had my children my strength grew, so did the arguing. As he is a senior police officer in Australia, I respected and was intimidated by him. I come from a hard working family, never been in trouble with the police and my parents have always been honest. The respect I have for the police is part fear, my x fueled this. He once told me if I did not sign the legal paperwork stating I wanted no money he would take my kids away. The intimation is obvious now, I'm glad you have some strength.

Life goes on, 5years. Yes it gets easier, but it never leaves.

My idea of not arguing for the childrens sake, has put me here. Not wanting to have my children witness the two people they love the most, fighting, choosing a side. Well look where it got me now.

I told him his volital actions and words towards me to the children where a form of child abuse! He went to his superior to say I was claiming he abuses the children. Wouldn't you know, the Australian government now introduce a law stating: verbal slanging of your x via your children is a form of child abuse!!

But like you, he has a barrister I have public defender(wishing they had not another domestic), with respect to all P/D.

I do wish you strength, stay true to your belief. And if your in a position not to be hurt or intimated by him, don't sign fir anything less than an equal parent is entitled too. My thoughts are comfortated knowing I'm not alone, not wished, just reassured!

Leona - posted on 09/16/2012

Thank you Sharon for your reply, I am new here too. I was happy to get a response but sad to know that others are going thru the same thing. As I have been researching it, I found that this is happening to other mothers too all across the country. Its so unfair and unjust. I was a stay-at-home-mom to my four children for almost 14 yrs, and the day I left him I went into safe housing with my children, and thats when our whole world changed. He got a high priced lawyer, I got a public defender I was depressed because of the years of abuse that I endured from him, he had everything I had nothing, and he was granted custody. I have been going thru long drawn out painful custody battle with him for almost five yrs now. Now since he has remarried his wife does not want me at all in their lives, when we were in court last month he offered me a deal if I wanted to see my children I had to drop the violation petition that I filed against him. Now its going to trial, I was supposed to meet with my lawyer on friday, and she cancelled on me, they reschedualed me for next wk. Our trial date is October 4 and I will only see my lawyer twice before that the 19th of sept, and October 1st. This whole ordeal is just so truly devestating, Im trying to prepare myself for trial

Sharon - posted on 09/16/2012

Leona Ashley please ref to my previous post, this was for you

Sharon - posted on 09/16/2012

Leona Ashley please ref to my previous post, this was for you

Sharon - posted on 09/16/2012

I would really like to get in contact with you. I'm only just new on here, desperate and typed in words and this website came up. I have not seen my babies for 18mths now and only just received their new address. I'm beside myself with pain, how can I move forward when I feel like I'm in limbo. The absence is killing me, I've always been a hands on mum, there is no words to explain my heart ache. People think I must be withholding some truth for my kids not to want their mother! I'm beyond worrying about others, I just want my children before they get use to it. The law states a child can not make up their own mind, why then can we as a parent not have the right to force them home!! Brainwashing allows a child to see one side, I will not enter my children into an adults argument. But my x has no trouble and this is not child abuse? Should we not as parents shelter our children from the harsh real world. I know I do, and would like them to enjoy life because adult life will come quick enough.

Leona - posted on 09/15/2012

Im going thru the same thing, I have been trying to find a website where I could talk to other moms who are going thru this too, it truely is a heartbreaking experience. I feel like nothing is getthing done about it. My ex husband has remarried and his new wife is completely alienating my kids from me, she has made it where I cannot even call the house to speak with them. The last visit I had with my girls was almost 6 months ago, he is violating a court order by keeping them from me, and it has yet to be heard in court. I have numerous documentations of his willful violations but the last two times we went to court I did not even get in front of the judge, his lawyer just offered me a deal asking if I would drop all the violations telling me if I want to see my kids then I would have to agree to his terms. I said no deal, because I went thru this with him once before. Where he was in violation of the court order and I agreed to drop them and so I did only for him to violate it again. In the meantime I am not seeing my children, but there is a court order in place that he refuses to follow. I dont understand how he can keep getting away with this, while the courts just drag it out. If there are any moms out there who is reading this and can relate, please send a reply. I miss my children terribly and I just need someone to talk to about this!

Claire - posted on 09/11/2012

Hi there

I am a mother of 2 beautiful daughters aged 6 and 8. I have now been divorced for a year. My youngest still desperately wants to be with me but my eldest has been so brainwashed against me that it scares me, the things she says to me she should not know. I have always been a devoted mum. i never worked until they got older, I teach in south Africa so that I can be finished work by 2pm and be with my kids after school and have all the holidays with them. however my ex has turned on me. I never thought he would do this to me....................... he calls me evil, I behave badly, I am unstable, I am a whore anything he can think of and the kids hear it all. I am totally devastated that he took them from me and that i feel i have lost my kids..................the relationship has been so broken down and twisted that i fear i will never have them again. I am dying inside, they are my life. i am meant to be a mummy yet that has been taken away from me and it hurts to the deepest of my core



I am at a loss, no one seems to be able to help me, I am stuck and alone..............all I want is to be a mummy again yet he wont let me

Sharon - posted on 09/05/2012

I would like to know the out come of what now must seem like a lifetime ago. I have three children, however I refer only to my older two. After 10years of divorce and the fathers constant baging of me the mud is sticking. Im at a lost. No one will help, always told they will come around in the end...Thats to long!!! They are OUR children, the age is 14year old boy and 13yeatr old daughter, their sisiter is 5 living fulltime with me alone.

Where do I start. My x Husband is a Inspector in the Police. Please any advice would by appreciate.

Sharon

Jolie - posted on 09/02/2012

Lori,. Your story could be mine... it is exactly what I have been going through for the past six years. My life has never been the same and I struggle with self blame that easily turns into self destruction if I let it. My entire identity has been destroyed as I know my reason for being on this earth was to be a mommy. I would of never in a million years of thought my ex would vanish me away and turn them against me. I have always been a great mother and never put my kids in danger or harms way. I like most mothers would take a bullet for my babies. All I want you to know is GOD BLESS YOU... and any other parent that is going through this. Alot of advise has been given to me and the one thing I keep hearing is they will know the truth and want to see me someday.... but seasons have come and gone, my babies are teens now. Pivital moments that I missed out on in their lives never to regain. So I pray and try to believe that there is a reason this happened and it will be revealed to me soon. As for the ex and his wife I also pray, I pray that the saying is true that EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY!11

Monique - posted on 08/17/2012

Boy, do I know what you are going through and it is nothing short of agonizing. I have continuously done my best to take the high road and there is not one single email or comment from me in the past three years that can be even slightly inferred as anything other than respectful and keeping in line with the philosopy of everything I do I do in the best interest of my daughter. It absolutely bites when you continue to "play fair" despite your ex and his new wife constantly attacking you and slinging mud, yet I want to always be sure that I carry myself in a way that makes my daughter proud. It certainly isn't easy and so much emotional energy has been wasted that would have been much better invested in the caring and interaction wiht my daughter, but I can't change their behavior, only MY REACTIONS to their behavior. I'm learning more about parental alienation and how many resources there are on the topic, in addition to working with groups that are doing what they can to promote public awareness in an effort to put a stop to this sort of thing. I wish I had more comforting words for you and all other moms going through this; for now I hope it helps to know that you are NOT alone.

Vanessa - posted on 01/22/2010

you must stand back and just let the kids know you are their for them and love them as mutch as you always have.they wil come back to you.its verry hard to do so but they wil relise things for themselfs and they wil soon enough relise that true colours of their father wil come out.ask me it happend to me and took me plus min 10 years for my kids to believe me and now i have bothe my girl and my grandkids on my side and love them dearly.this is struggles woman have to go through but patience is the answer.the take care.be strong.regards.everything will come right again

Keziah - posted on 01/22/2010

I wanted to apologize because for some reason (when compared to others' comments) my knowledge seems incomplete or lacking part of this story. These other people obviously have insight into details of this story I do not and I meant no harm by anything I said that was misleading or incompetent. I wish you the best with your situation. You always have a home with us.

Vicky - posted on 01/21/2010

We are going through a similar situation except its the mother and her bf who is brain washing the kids and sadly their father is not allowed to see them.

Ellen - posted on 01/20/2010

A good book to help in understanding how this happens is titled "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard Warshak. When I first read the chapter on parent alienation, my mouth dropped, because I immediatley related to it and was surprised that what I was experiencing, had a name and that others had experienced it too & this psychologist figured it out & wrote about it! This book will not only help you understand, but it will give you the tools you need to fight back against brainwashing. The children can be brainwashed at any age. Mine are 12 and 18 and have both been brainwashed. They actually believed that I abused and neglected them! My daughter, who in late 2008 called me her best friend has not spoken to me in almost a year! I have read most of the book and used the advice given on my son, the 12 year old. It worked! My son is coming around and starting to see his father for what he is. Don't ever give up!

Terry - posted on 01/20/2010

Hi lori, I went threw this same thing. My kids at the time were 13 and 16. Dad made all these promises of a better life and ect... I really hated my ex. The kids didn't care and were bound and determined to go with there dad so I said fine. I had raised them myself for so many years and i knew that eventually the truth and reality of the empty promises would come out. My kids are now 15 and 18, the truth came out. They started to realize the truth but i stepped back and although it cut me like a knife, i made them lay in the bed they had made. I didn't trust them, i didn't want to question what they would do next to try to destroy me. They call and I do see them but I had to be patient and let it take its course. It was the hardest and toughest thing i ever had to do.

Keziah - posted on 01/20/2010

I had to completely cut their ties with their father because of physical and mental abuse and limited the ties for his family (because they would pry for information and deposit little "thoughts" in the boys' heads) to visitations for an hour while I am there. They didn't take me up on that so that shows their true colors. It's all a game of control and they lost so they don't want anything to do with the kids, not that they had much to do with them before that.

Keziah - posted on 01/20/2010

They need therapy and if they are trying to mentally manipulate these poor kids they need limited contact. Mental manipulation = abuse. Any adult who uses a child to get to another adult is abusing that child mentally/emotionally. Kids that age are impressionable and don't need that type of internal conflict!

Billie - posted on 01/19/2010

My experience in court of law is you are guilty unless you can prove otherwise. Courts respond to nasty blown up drama letters, esp. if spoken by a child through help of those adults that mean me harm and only have hate in their hearts, yet they cry out "in best interest of child" what is in best interest of child is for the adults to get along and work together. Actions speak louder than words. Being a child of divorce does not have to be hard, our society sets it up that way, if thats what we expect then thats what we get. What makes it hard for the children of divorce is when the adults in their lives work against each other to take away from, rather than to work with and add tooo! The movie Stepmom is a good example to this! bring tissue. honor each others differences, its not a competition!!!!!

Billie - posted on 01/19/2010

To further understand the "mechanism" behind this "evil" is to read the book "Nasty People, How to Stop being Hurt by them without stooping to their level" By Jay Carter, Psy.D. Its all about Love & understanding, Knowledge is the key.....

Billie - posted on 01/19/2010

I came to know Emilias experience she writes about below. I have had to let my 14 yr old go & became to toxic to be around me and my younger 11 yr. old. It came down to "I deserve to be treated with respect", the door is open to him if he ever decides to come home again. I look forward to the knowing that his intelligent spirit will figure out this "evil" game and he will eventually come back to me (& preparing myself that it may be when he is an adult & has his own children) The pain is in our "missing" his teenage years together and the positive guidance I could provide him during this dark time in his life. A good book to help in understanding how this happens is titled "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard Warshak. When I first read the chapter on parent alienation, my mouth dropped, because I immediatley related to it and was surprised that what I was experiencing, had a name and that others had experienced it too & this psychologist figured it out & wrote about it! Most of all rise above the evil game, refuse to play it & be happy anyways (i.e. live by example) The children will figure it out! Just send them Love......Let go and let God on this one, it will take care of itself, just be looking & listening for ways you can be influencial--the book may help.....Sending you blessings of courage & strength

Connie - posted on 01/19/2010

Actually, Cyndi did NOT go through the same situation. I am the "brain-washing" step-mom...I can assure you that we've done no such thing. We work hard to take good care of our babies, and always have. Also...every mature adult parent knows that you cannot be divorced "behind the back" and your kids don't get taken away from you w/out cause and court ruling. This step momma has told no lies and Cyndi, you know that. I love all of the kids VERY much and my only motivation is their well-being. And I can tell you that the only thing harder than being a mother, is being a step-mother. There are many sides to every story. My story is a lot different than hers. But in the end, it's really about what IS BEST FOR EACH INDIVIDUAL CHILD, and who is willing to provide that. My hubby and me work to raise people, we don't work to please anyone else.
As a step-mother, who obviously does NOT get along w/ the hubbies ex, I can only say, please please do what is best for the little ones and DON'T lead w/ what YOU want or need as your focus. But at 16 and 20...if they aren't talking to you, then it's more than just "brain-washing". If you have to approach two grown children, it is best to do so w/out blame and with extreme caution. Every child loves their biological mother. Be patient and give it time. Being a child of divorce is very hard and it can take years for everything to heal. You may have to apologize for things that you didn't do. But if you really love your children and want a relationship with them, then pride will not stop you. I hope it works out for you better than has for us thus far. I know that my husband misses his daughter terribly and he is a terrific father!

Cynthia - posted on 01/10/2010

Dear Lori,
My name is Cyndi. And I have went through the same situation. Although my children were much younger when their father divorced me (behind my back, when the kids were visiting him). They were 6 and 4. Their dads girlfriend (now step mother) tried to brainwash my kids and told them horrible stories about me. Told them that I didnt want anything to do with them and that I didnt love them. This went on for about 7 or 8 years. They alienated me and my family from my kids. We would call constantly and she wouldnt tell them that we called. She is truly a horrible person. And their father, well, he let her do all that. Whether he knew about it all or not, he knew about the majority of it and he did nothing. My daughter now 14, lives with me, b/c she told them she wanted to spend time with me. She now realizes the truth and what kind of person I REALLY am. And her brother 12, see also. She tells him all the time what lies their step mother has told. Just give it time and keep trying! They will come around, I hope for your sake. Believe me I know what you are going through. Just keep your head up and never give up. You are still their mother and maybe one day they will see what has really happened. Good luck to you.

Tina - posted on 01/09/2010

I am in a similar situation. My husband of 18 years left me for a younger woman with no children. She comes from a rich family and is a trust fund baby. Her family bought them a new home and my ex has absolutely no assets or bills for their household in their name. He didn't show for the custody hearing or divorce and all but ignored his children for almost a year. Since moving into his girlfriend's new home, and getting a job, he's taken the kids on rare visitations, when she allows him to use her car. They see that he's living well now, and is surrounded by new things. They don't understand that none of this lifestyle is his, and they don't have to do chores and only eat take out when they're with him because his girlfriend doesn't cook. It's frustrating because I cannot compete with the veneer of the perfect lifestyle. My oldest stayed with them once she graduated and since the girlfriend gave her a cell phone and laptop computer for school, she won't speak to me. Now my middle child, 15, thinks he'd like to live with his father and his girlfriend too, because they bought a new x-box 360, which they allow him free access too. I had packed the game system away until his D and F grades improved, but he told his father and his answer was to go buy him another to use at the girlfriend's house. Anyway, my son has announced that he will be moving with his father at the end of this month. I don't want him to go, but he doesn't understand. He only sees the grass as greener on the other side, just as my daughter did. I guess they have to learn for themselves as long as their father continues to see this popularity contest being more important than what's in the best interest of the kids. If I fight, or try to reason, I end up looking like the control freak...I figure I have to let go. I would have hoped it would be later than sooner, but I cannot effectively parent if I'm not being heard. I guess the lessons will have to come the hard way.

Anne - posted on 01/08/2010

I couldn't even imagine! I almost lost my daughter awhile back due to being brainwashed by her father! She told me she wanted to live with him! Luckily she is only 9 yrs old and with me having residential custody she can't make that decision on her own! She is coming back around though and slowly realizing that wasn't the right choice to make and hasn't mentioned anything since about wanting to live with her dad! As a matter of fact he has screwed up lately and she caught on! I wouldn't give up and let them know you will be there when they're ready to come around! It's so hard when your patience and feelings are being tested like this! I pray all the time for my children!

Michelle - posted on 01/03/2010

The only thing you can do is talk to god and pray for them, your children and for their dad and step-mom.. There is nothing else you can do.. Well there is unless you want to fight about it and bring unneeded stress in your life and go to court and so on... Im going thru the same situation, well we were, but my stepson is being brainwashed by the MOTHER and GRANDMOTHER to hate his father and me.. :( Stepson is 12 years old and we have been in his life for the past 9 years.... Everyother weekend and every wednesday and sometimes more if the MOM or grandma were having their good days.. When i say we have been there I mean we Love him with all of our hearts first and foremost, we discipline him, he has rules that he must abide by. We attend Church and we have accepted jesus in our hearts and he comes with us on our weekend. We go out to dinner,lunch, movies, vacation and so on.. His mother and his Grandma love him very much IM sure!!! Son lives with his grandma because mom doesnt want the full responsibility of taking care of him....HOWEVER they do not discipline, he has little to no rules to follow, gets bad grades and its just the complete opposite at his grandmas house then ours......Worst of all they brainwash him and they have for the past 9 years telling him that his father is a low life and how is father is never there for him ( when he has been for 9 years) He comes to our house telling us of how his mom hates us, she lies to her son and then he comes to our house upset casue we didnt do this or we are not doing that when its not true and the mother tells the son that his dad is a drug person ( His father is NOT a drug person) and i can keep going down the line...WE say nothing neggative to him of his mom or grandma.. NOTHING... We pray for them and pray for my husbands son that this doesnt affect him negativly... TOO LATE.. One wednesday i corrected my stepson at my house and he went home screaming and stomping and crying to his mom because he knows his mom likes the drama and she calls my husband to bla, bla, bla...... The next wednesday SEP30th my husband went to go pick his son up and first he had to play a game of where is my son.... MOm came out of the house and said he was at the school.. Husband went to go get him there and son was not there.. Called his son on his cell phone( which at age 12 i dont know why he even has one) and his son cursed his father out with every name in the book and hung up on him.. THEN he pulled up in his sons driveway to pick him up and his son came out of the house with baseball bat and told his dad (own flesh and blood and they are close) as he cursed that he never wants to see him again. By the way the mom and grandma encourage the son as he is doing this to his father...My husband felt sick to his stomach and left.. I mean what could he do.. NOTHING.. Sad isnt it... His son completely disrespected his father by all means... We have already forgiven his son in our hearts and same with his mom and grandma who now nothing about love and life and we pray for them.. We are not persuing Court or calling them and so on.We do not want to force his son to be with us. I guess at age 12 his mom allows him to make his own decisions....To this day we have still not seen or heard from him.. 3 months and 3 days.. Its a sad situation but God gave us that strength to overcome this.. His son chose this and His sons heart needs to be healed... Our is healed.. God has everything happen for a reason and when his son is ready to come to his father and appologize on HIS OWN then we will be there for him.. Until then we will allow god to work within his son and come to us when hes ready.. IN YOUR CASE... again- pray for them because as i tell my husband YOU are his Father and i believe every child needs a mother and a father in their live and the child knows this too.. so i believe if you hand it over to god he will take care of what needs to be done. Sometimes its not when you want it to be( which i tell my self).. You must have faith and sit back and wait. They are your children and you are their mom.. Show them Love always and just dont be invloved inthe drama andthey will see that.. they will enjoy whatever it is they want to enjoy for however long but you are momma andthey will always come back... Hope thats the same with my husband?

:)

Tameka - posted on 01/01/2010

I am not a divorced parent, but i gre up with parents divorced and thought i could offer from a childs perspective, one parent did the same about the other in my upbringing, but as my mother still made contact with me, and took me out to lunch to talk, that was always a start, and i started seeing the other side that i was not being told about by my father, my advice is to try and saty in contact with them, but start small, thats the key, and gain some trust, then go larger over time... dont push hard or you willpush them away.

Leslie - posted on 01/01/2010

Dont you EVER give up! One day they will need their mom & thats when they will realize who loves them , who has cared for them , from the day they were born...My heart goes out to you , I know this is the most painful thing ,you can ever have to deal with & it does something to you & you're spirit . Remember this : As long as you are alive & breathing ,the Dad & Step mom, (has not one) ....you still have a whole life-time to get back to ,where the relationship was with them before this & IT WILL COME ..just pray and be patient & let God work in you're favor ..he will fight this battle for you & it took me a long time to figure that out ! You take care & I know it will all work out for you...

Meg - posted on 12/31/2009

Pray and continue to show them unconditional love. They will eventually realize who really loves them.

Emilia - posted on 12/29/2009

There is nothing you can do except to accept reality and move on with your life. You may send cards with genuine sentiments telling them how much you love and miss them for birthdays or other occasions but be prepared to be continuously rejected.

I know how much you hurt four times over. The pain can not be expressed to people who have not lived it. A mother living without her child is like asking a human being to live without air and water and yet we must find a way...

All you can do is keep reaching out in simple ways until you feel you've had enough and you are entitled to have a life too. Accept that you have no control over the actions of another but YOU DO have control over YOURS. Keep living your life with your head held high knowing that you are a good person. If your children ever find their way back to you then welcome them with open arms. If not, then that will be their loss... not yours.

I'm very sorry for you and understand your pain. I hope that you will find a way to be at peace. Going to the gym and helping out the people around me with supportive words (when I can muster them) helps me. I hope you find your way. :o)

Valerie - posted on 12/29/2009

Send them a heartfelt letter expressing your desire to be in their life. Don't push. Don't put down anyone else. Be patient and consistent in letting them know every so often that you are there and would like to be with them. There has been a big void and it takes time to build trust...

Jeana - posted on 12/28/2009

One day they will figure out for themselves who was wrong.It seems like the more u try the more it makes the kids not like u.If u don't know what they have been told I can see how hard it is to get them to talk to you. Try and find out what they have been told.Good luck.