Dad gone for 15 yrs, now wants son to see him and blame me???

Jennifer - posted on 05/27/2009

I understand what you are going through...I have a 12 yr old daughter whose father rarely comes to see her or even make the effort to call her...he even went so far as to tell her when she was 5 yrs old that he didn't know when he was gonna see her again because her mom didn't love him anymore!...All the advice I can offer is to explain the situation to your son and let him amke his on choice as to whether he wants to see his father or not...that's what I do with daughter...it's her decision if she goes to see her father in the summer.If she tells me she doesn't want to go then she doesn't go.

Wendy - posted on 05/25/2009

We were young too but don't take the Blame...explain your side & let your son decide!!

I had 4 children, my yougest 2 don't want anything to do with their biological father & call him "sperm Donor" as like you I did everything so they could see him but when I drove them to his place, his girlfriend(over 40) would chuck tantrums & go to bedroom so he would follow leaving the girls to watch TV on their own. This happened several times so in the end they told me they didn't want to visit him anymore.

Shameron - posted on 05/20/2009

Wow, this is a tough situation. I dont envy you nor do I have the right answer as I havent been in your position. I can say however what I THINK I would do were I in your shoes.

Seeing as your child is now 15 or 16 years old, I would think he is old enough to understand most of what has happened with his father. I would probably sit down with your son and explain to him in black and white terms the full situation. Keep from finger pointing and bad mouthing the father though. That will only lead to later resentment with the kid towards you. The only thing that your son needs to know is matter-of-fact information. I was 14 years old when I had you. Your dad was not ready to deal with a child at the time. No, he didn't come to see you. Yes I had to raise you on my own.

I would also let your son know that the father is wanting to see him. Let your son make that decision. He is old enough to know what he wants. I would also suggest counceling to help your son deal with some of the feelings that he will go through. There will be hurt, resentment and anger and it would be better to have another outlet where he can express it than just you. If he can get his feelings out in a positive manner than he is going to be less likely to pull the teenage "I hate you" role.

Again, I would ask your son, because this is about your kid, not the relationship you had with the father. Was the father a jackass? Sure sounds like it, but regardless of that, he is still the kid's father and it's best to do what is in the best interest of your child than harboring resentment and taking it any further. Doing this keeps you on the high road and proves to your son that you have tried to do everything to facilitate a relationship. Seeing how the father has been in the past, the father is more than likely doing this briefly and wont remain around much longer. this will allow the child the ability to see that as well.

Robin - posted on 05/20/2009

Jodi,

This is a tough one. I would not assume any responsibility for the father, and I don't care how old he was or what his parent's put into his head. He was old enough to help make your son but not mature enough to deal with it, but you did. I have no sympathy for these kinds of fathers. They make mistakes and are not willing to admit them to theirselves or their children and somehow try to blame us in their messed up way of thinking.

In my opinion, I would not keep any contact with the father of your son, after telling him that he screwed up and it is up to him to make amends. If he continues with his excuses, I would let my son know what is going on, if he is over 13 yrs old. If not, keep it to yourself and keep a journal. I am now showing my children the journals of the crap that went on during their childhoods that they never knew about. Let your son make his own decisions about seeing his father if he is old enough to do so.

My oldest daughter (age 27) is going through a lot of what you are. Her kids' father pops in and out of their lives once every six months or so, sees the kids for a day and is not heard from for another six months or longer. No birthday or Christmas cards, etc, This behavior upsets them more than if he just stayed away. They act out in school and out of school, they get depressed and they have a lot of anger. Two of her three children are now in counseling. I say it could have all been prevented had she just kept their father from seeing them. Again, this is all my opinion and take it for what it's worth. I wish you and your son the best.

Gabrielle - posted on 05/13/2009

Wow!!! Not been in your shoes but in defense of the father...how old was he when you were pregnant?? Maybe his parents planted crap in his head! I would have to say hate is a very strong word to use and most children really don't understand hate yet. I would just personally tell the dad that the son is not ready to see him cause he is confused and maybe later in life he will want to and as far as you having to take the blame....of course I would not do that but no blame should be told to the kid whether he is 6 mos. or 18 years. Because that is confusing him even more. Let him make up his mind about things and all you can do is be there for him. As for your mom having guardianship over him and others....that is probably confusing to him too. Especially if you are remarried that bit is kind of confusing to me to but there are tons of single parents out there that it is hard to financially take care of their kids but they do it. Hun just keep looking up and it will get better!!