Dad that always breaks his weekends:(

Chrissy - posted on 10/24/2011

By the way, my daughter's (she is 2years old) father is entirely different. We have been separated for about 2 months now, and he couldn't go more than 2 or 3 days without seeing her and having her overnight almost every time he sees her and sometimes on consecutive days. If I even tried to stop him from seeing or having his daughter (not that I would as he is consistent with having her and a good father) he would start a world war!! That's the way i think a father should be.

Chrissy - posted on 10/24/2011

You know what I did in this situation with my son's father?? (and he was worse than that, not just by days, weeks or months, but by years as well) I told him if you aren't going to do it properly and cant even be a half decent father, don't do it at all. But i gave him the choice and i did it when my son was a lot younger. I wasn't going to let him be a fair weather father to our child (like only be around when it suited him with weeks months or years between wanting to see him) and let my son get upset by him repeatedly when his father let him down all the time. Unfortunately when I gave his father that choice, he chose not to be a father at all, and has had nothing to do with his son in about 10 years (and he is turning 14 now). And if he had of chosen to do it properly I would have insisted on a court order, so that he was made to see his son at the times he should have so there were no letdowns. But again I wouldn't have been pleased about that either because a father who loves his kid, shouldn't need to be forced to do the right thing by him, he should want to. But although my son gets disappointed on occasions that his father isn't around, its far better than him being hurt constantly and ongoing for years. I think my son is better off without him around anyway if his father couldn't even be responsible enough to have him regularly, and build a loving healthy bond and relationship with his son, then he didn't deserve to have him in the first place. That's my opinion anyway.

Lisa - posted on 01/30/2009

Quoting Liza:

Dad that always breaks his weekends:(

My ex-husband always says he is taking our son on a certain weekend, then when the week arrives he backs out like that wed. night. I make my ex tell him he's not taking him. So he can hear the disappointment in my sons voice. My son always says, I know Dad always does this to me. So he expects it almost, how sad it is it that an 8 year old knows his dads bad parenting habits already. This makes me so mad and telling my ex this doesn't help. I am always left to make our son feel good and do something fun with him to make up for his dad's letdowns.I am in the process of taking him back to court over this and other things...Any ideas? Thank you so much...

I was in this same situation that you are in.  I have two kids and my ex only complied with our custody agreements for a couple of weeks and then he just started this yo-yo thing with them.  Believe me when I say that even if your child seems ok with it, he is not.  You are doing the right thing by taking him back to court.  I did this too, he did not show up to court and after a couple of attempts to get him there I was given sole custody of the children.  I did take my kids to a counselor and I do recommend that for your child.  He needs to grieve for this relationship and let all his feelings and emotions out.  Sometimes kids won't do that with Mom or Dad for fear of upsetting you.  My kids were able to freely let their emotions out with their counselor.  They have come to terms with having an absent parent.  Birthdays and holidays are sometimes tough but my family tries to really help them through it.  My son will be 10 in 2 months and he asked to go back to see the counselor (we went through all this 4 years ago) because he is upset about turning 10 and his Dad not being around and he wants to talk to someone about it.  I fully support that.  Good luck to you, I've rambled on enough. Take care.

Sophie - posted on 01/30/2009

Hi Connie

Do you feel like you and/or your son would have benefitted from completely stopping contact or do you feel like it was for the best to keep it going regardless of how infrequent?

Best wishes

Connie - posted on 01/29/2009

I'm STILL bothered by my dad doing this to me.  I respect my mom SO MUCH for always being there!  My ex used to do that to my son and my son would cry and be so sad.  It really made me re-live my sorrows and lonliness of my childhood.  It got to where I'd tell my ex "Don't tell him you'll pick him up."  Or make excuses when he calls that your child can't come to the phone BUT "He'll see you this weekend.."  I just stopped telling my son his dad was coming and then I didn't have to mend his broken heart.

Sophie - posted on 01/28/2009

Don't be so hard on yourself Kerri! As I said before you do what you think is right at the time. It is certainly the case in the UK that the courts persue visitation from the absent parent regardless of the situation (violence, abuse, etc etc) and they say that this is in the best interest of the child. In a LOT of cases this leads to further issues but we as parents are made to believe that it is in our childs best interest to have contact regarless of it's meagre amount or inconsistancy. My parents were both divorced before they met and had me and I saw the things you have mentioned with my half siblings and now with my niece. I am trying to do my best by my daughter and limit the damage my divorce may do to her, All I can do is my best. I don't think we trust our instincts as much as we should. I have refused one on one visitation between my ex and our daughter because I know it is not the right thing to do to allow it. It is difficult to explain but I KNOW.

Anyway hang in there. Let your children know that you have only ever done what you thought was best. With my brother and sisters my mum made it clear that she would not allow contact because of their fathers behaviour but if, when they were 18, they wished to contact him she would do everything she possibly could to help them. One of the 3 did and quickly saw him for what he was. The other two have never bothered. My dad was more of a dad to them than their father could ever be and to them that was enough. So DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF! You are a Mum not Superwoman.

Best wishes x

Kerri - posted on 01/28/2009

I completely agree with you Sophie! Wishing that I would have phased out my ex. If only I could go back in time! But this has happened to me as well. My parents divorced when I was one or two, I remember sitting and waiting for my dad, I remember wanting my mom to do my hair so that he would like it, then sitting as still as I could waiting for him. I sat on the couch for hours and hours waiting, finally my mom said to get changed and play. My mom decided that it wasn't going to happen anymore. A few years later she met a man and was marrying him. He wanted to adopt me, so bio dad back in the picture (but I had no idea). He agreed to give up my brother and I as long as he didn't have to pay child support. I was happy to get a dad that wanted me and loved me, I felt so special. I met my bio dad about three years ago, when I was about 33. I was reluctant to meet him, but I did. I wanted to see what he looked like, see if he had a different story etc. All he did was bash my mom. I continued to talk to him via telephone (I live in Ontario and he lives in Alberta). The relationship ended quickly. I realized that he had a bad temper, and only cared about himself. I also talked with my parents and told them that I had talked to him and my dad told me that he threatened him at the time of the adoption never to come near us. I am so grateful that I wasn't pulled through the crap that so many kids are now a days. Is it because we, deep down, know that these guys are going to fail our kids but we don't want to be "the bad guy". I feel I was the bad guy for letting my kids go through the shit of waiting and let down because I did not put my foot down!!

Sophie - posted on 01/27/2009

I have seen this issue from inside and out. I have seen the damage that has been done to a (now teenage) girl through her fathers abandonment and continuous let downs. I am no psychologist but the one she sees on a regular basis believes it would have been far less damaging to her to have stopped contact until she was adult enough to decide for herself that she could accept the consequences to her mental health of his possible continued rejection. At the end of the day your job as a parent is to protect your child. You do what you think is right and you live with the consequences. You cannot say it is "wrong" to brake contact with a biological parent just as you cannot say it is "right" to continue it regardless of the damage it may do in the long term. We each know our children and our circumstances and make our judgements based on that. If it your decision to cease contact then do not feel guilty. Just as you should not feel guilty if you continue to allow contact. None of us have a chrystal ball, we do what we feel we must.

Good luck and best wishes

Kelly - posted on 01/27/2009

I am sorry but I have a strong opinion agaist phasing out bio dad. Whatever time he spends with the kids or not. I know the kids feeling get hurt and it is hard but phasing out bio dad brings up abandoment issues and someone will eventually have to answer for the choice you are making for them. Parenting isn't easy no matter your martial statis but examples are examples and the kids need to have them good bad or indiffernt. That is how they learn.

Kelly - posted on 01/27/2009

HI I understand my ex didn't see my daughter for the first few years of her life. His choice. I know this breaks your heart as well as your son's. What I did was told my ex " Hey your relationship with your daughter is none of my bussiness she is either a priority or she isn't! I will no longer make excuses for you period. I will do nothing but tell her the truth. Ex why doesn't daddy call? Hunny I have know idea why that is a question for him. Why doesn't daddy see me? Sweetie I do not know that is a question for him. It sucked but things turned around once my daughter started writting letters and calling with these questions. He had to start answering these to things instead of me taking care of it. He stepped up and realized what he was doing. Another thing that worked is I explained to her Dad that by his absence in her life she would be confused later on with what kind of man she wanted in her life because there was no example to learn from. How this could apply to you is. To your ex hey______ I want you to know that our son is learning from you on how to be a man. A man who doesn't keep his word or comittment how honorable is that??? The good news is you can teach your son things he doesn't like about his dad he can choose not to be. I think this is the most important thing we can teach our children is that we are not perfect and if there is something about us they can't stand . THEY HAVE A CHOICE NOT TO BE THAT WAY. Your son ulitamately is learning how not to be when he gets older he will not repeat these things later in life.

Liza - posted on 01/27/2009

Thanks, I really try to be as consistant as possible. i know that from working in a daycare for many years this an important thing and always follow through. I just do the best I can for my son and I day to day and pray that this enough for us both.

Sophie - posted on 01/27/2009

As long as you are strong and consistent for him then in the long run he will be fine because he will always know you are the reliable one and there when he needs you. Good luck...I hope it all works out for you

Liza - posted on 01/27/2009

I am taking his dad back to court because I want full custody and him to back off if he isnt gonna pay attention to our son. If he is then it needs to be more of a sceduale that he sticks to and doesnt break. He calls him and talkes with him and is good with him I just hate when he tells him I am gonna take ya this weekend and then calls and says no. My counsler is telling me a lot if the same stuff youare all telling me. thank you so much for your thoughts and similar problems. Take care.

Liza - posted on 01/27/2009

Im not remarried. but your right I try not to tell him when dad is taking him because it is always a failer. His dad lives 4 hrs a way so I cant do the week to week thing but this is great advice thanks.

Sophie - posted on 01/27/2009

Hi All

This seems to be a REALLY common occurance. In my case I have been back to my Solicitor (I like in the UK) and have had visiting arrangements re-statmented for him to agree to. I think things may be a little different here but I certainly agree that if your ex's actions constantly impact negatively on your son (which obviously they do) then put a stop to it. Make it clear to your son that you are not stopping his father from seeing him but that his fathers actions are hurting him and that you will allow contact when your ex makes it a regular and sustained event. This way your son won't blame you in later years for his lack of contact with his father and in the meantime you are sparing his feelings.

With my ex his visits or lack of them are a control thing. As soon as he feels I am controlling the situation he shifts the goal posts, he has never paid a penny towards my daughters keep and still thinks I think he lives alone, although I know he lives with another woman and 3 children. At the end of the day this man is a biological accident. A Father not a Daddy and your son is worth more than what he obviously fails to give him. Just look after yourself and your boy and you ex will just have to go whistle!

Sophie

Laura - posted on 01/26/2009

Hi Liza,first of all don't try to make up for what your x does...your boy already knows.I am sorry to say this....but it is hurting your little man more than anyone knows and its not fair.Take his ass back to court..you do what you have to do for your son and you.Just make sure your son understands as much as you can.If your x wants to be a loser dad than let him be..he will have to answer to his boy some day.You take care of you and that little man and be safe always.

Laura

Christine - posted on 01/26/2009

Have you ever tried not telling your son of the plans that his father makes? Or simply tell your ex not to tell him? This way if the child doesn't know about it, then there isn't that much disappointment. You can't make a father be a daddy... it's wither within them or it's not. All you can do is provide what you do already... the love and security your son needs. Good luck to you... I am sure I will be in your position soon and it breaks my heart.

Sarah - posted on 01/26/2009

My Ex and I have the girls week to week. Only his week is more like 4 days and my week turns out to be 10 days. I've gotten to the point when they ask when they will see me again I just tell them in a few days-being careful not to be specific because broken promises break childrens hearts. I have to agree, although he longs for his father, it may be easier and in his best interest to phase the bio-father out. I'm not sure where your new husband is in all this, but a good friend of mine is the son of his mother and his dad-whois actually his step father. He has said many times that although a step-parent isn't blood, they can love you just the same and in some cases-are better than what you had to begin with anyway.

Liza - posted on 01/24/2009

I have been doing that for 3 years. I have also been advised to get a gardian adlydum for my son. Because his dad is in another state I don't really know what the living conditions are.It is all hear say but I guess it can be used in court. I just started receiving child support threw the child enforcement agency here in Maine. That is a big help.They help go after dead beat dads.

Kerri - posted on 01/24/2009

One other thing that I have began to do is Document Everything. I am still going through court over child support blah blah, but anyway write down every time you have a conversation with him, what you said - what he said word for word if you can. When you go to court it is valuable.

Liza - posted on 01/24/2009

I am so sorry for you and your daughters. No we dont live in the same state even. He lives in Mass. and remarried this past Oct. I live in Maine. I give all of myself to my son and he doesnt have what it takes to be a responsible Dad. I wish i had never met him either other than the fact I have my wonderful son! Everyone has said to me that my ex will hang himself with our son at some point and I think he has started to already. My son is the one who always wants to go and see him, if it were up to me at all I say no. I hate the fact taht hes 4 hrs away from me and  I can't get to him fast enough if anything happens. Im going back to court to ask for full custody and see if I can get it ordered that his Dad needs to take a parenting class or two. His new wife lost her child to her mom and step dad because she was a druggie. Now a nonuser she thinks my son is the golden child. He is mine and not her's. I am glad that my son has an extra person to love him and she is good with him. All in all he is mine. He is torn between  his Dad and me. Which most kids in divorces are. I try to not say bad things about his Dad in front of him and always to reinforce positive things but as you know im sure, it's hard. Thanks for letting me vent and for the thoughts. Keep in touch if youd like.